Ashamed of my past

[OneBrightHare]

Just looking for some advice from some other women really, as my past has really been getting to me. I have slept with 12 people and I’m in my early twenties, and have just finished University, most of these happened between the ages of 18-20 after I was cheated on by my boyfriend at the time. I have been with my current partner for coming up to a year now and we are great together and I told him about it past as I am a very hontest person and didn’t want to keep this from him, he was upset but he has gotten over it now. I just can’t help but think that my past has tainted me and I’m this awful person for letting myself get into these situations when most of them were failed relationships or I felt pressured that I had to sleep with them. I also hate the fact that a few of them are from my hometown and I am so scared that I am going to bump into them. There is so much media etc going around at the moment that deems women who with slept with a certain amount of people as unworthy of being able to be a good partner which I know isn’t true, but it’s got to the point now where it’s all I can think about ☹️

You can't unfuck them so I'd say don't worry about it.

I haven’t seen any of this ‘media going round’. Is it TikTok, by any chance? I suspect it’s your algorithms- once you click on something like that it shows you more and more until you find yourself in an echo chamber.
That is not the world view, as you can see from this thread.
Please be kind to yourself. Berating yourself doesn’t change anything or make you a better person. It just erodes the genuine person you are.

I don’t think I’ve had a relationship where anyone has even asked me detailed stuff about my past but I am edging 50.
Echoing the other posters I wouldn’t feel duty bound to be revealing this sort of information, as what does it matter really. I’d keep on guard from other weird behaviour from him.

It only matters if you have had sex with someone after you’ve been in a relationship with your current partner. I couldn’t tell you how many men I’ve had sex with over the years as it’s not relevant to real life!

I felt a bit like this to be honest. I’m not sure why I slept with 90% of the men who I did as I didn’t even fancy them that much. I found the whole finding my feet experience difficult when I was younger. I was searching for love but often thought that having sex with them when they showed me a grain of attention was the way to get it. I regret a lot of my younger days decisions. The sex was mostly crap and often drink induced

Men always want to shame and control us, op.

Always want to have double standards.

Since the begining of time, and ongoing ...even in Western liberal democracies we're still being subjected to incel and Red pill shite.

Find one of the men who don't act like this .... Always having to control women.

Do whatever the fuck you want to do and just lie if they ask.
If they ask though - and start making the sort of comments I'm seeing in your post - it means they are a certain type. And that's not a type you want a relationship with.

If you've had sex you didn't really want because of pressure, expectation, manipulation etc (as many of us have), time to work on boundaries and assertiveness.

Omg it's not even a big number op.
Please get off that algorithm of mysoginy that you're on online.
Read a book called the purity myth.
Follow lalalaletmeexplain on insta and read her book.

Men's penises are not so important that one poking into your body for a few unsatisfying minutes has any relation to your worth.

stop apologizing and own your previous decisions - they were what you wanted or what you felt pressured into at the time, neither are anything to be ashamed of.

No man deserves to know how many men you've slept with and it's a red flag if he's demanding to know.

Stop watching misogynistic crap on social media where they talk about body counts...

As for telling your boyfriend, why? You don't have to. My dh and I have no idea how many people we've each slept with prior to us being together.

Exactly this with bells on.

Honestly, this man is not a good man. Im concerned about his views of women.

Please dont allow him to make you feel bad about yourself.

This!

Good quality sex is lovely, and women should not have to justify having and enjoying. Double standards will never lead to good sex in the future.

It is all about equality.

It is similar to misogynistic controlling references such as “lost virginity”, which implies negativity. I never lost anything. I’m proud to have had sex with quite a number of people, l have needs. In many cases l invited the other person to bed, before they asked me. Bring on the name calling. It’s your body OP, it’s a temple. Care for it, love it and enjoy sharing it with someone who is prepared to worship it.

Seriously, I have no idea how many men I slept with before getting married; I’ve lost count. But do know that my husband had only slept with three/four so officially according to the media you speak of ‘the good partner’.

He had the affair.

Your boyfriend should never have made you feel any sense of shame over this and there was nothing for him to get over. His attitude stinks.

Let this go, don’t be consumed by shame, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of!

I thought this too. I swear the younger generation are going backwards. I read they all want avacado bathrooms this mornings 😱

It has been decided that a sexual encounter doesn’t actually count unless you have a full on orgasm.

watch your “numbers” go down … because so many men just do not know or care how to please a woman; it’s all about them, their pleasure, their needs, their opinions…

you don’t have to tell anyone about your past. Ever. You don’t have to remember or count your lovers, unless they ACTUALLY COUNT, as in matter, to you.

you don’t have to feel this shame he has put on you. Your body is not his to own.

men are so disgusting.

just hold your head up and be free! Love yourself and your life. If he shames you any further, walk away-
he doesn’t deserve you.

Meh, did he make you feel like this, or do you suffer from anxiety etc? 12 isn’t a big number. For the future, it’s no one’s business who you have slept with,

I’d slept with far more people by the time I left university, and I feel completely neutral about it, the way I feel about whatever the weather was like in those years. What’s concerning me is that you seem to be buying into some kind of purity cult in your head, and that you didn’t immediately dump your boyfriend for thinking that how many people he’d slept with before you was something he got to be ‘upset’ about.

Can’t believe this misogynistic bullshit is still going on. It’s all about trying to control women and take away their power. A woman who hasn’t experienced as many things in life, including relationships/sex, is easier to keep in a substandard relationship with a substandard man, which is what these men are.

I’d slept with 20 by mid twenties. And having been in a relationship for 16 years I now wish I’d slept with more! It’s part of experiencing life. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, do what you want.

Any man who asks this question is showing his insecurity...

OP, am nearly 60 with daughters around your age.
You have done nothing wrong.
I hope all sex was consentual and that you protected yourself.
Protecting your health is very important.

Your past is no one's business.
No one.
Please keep your past to yourself.
You never need to explain yourself to anyone, least of all a man.
Tell that partner of yours it is not for him to accept or get over.🙄

I think you should look for some counselling and do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help with self esteem and boundaries.

You are so young.
Your life choices are yours alone.
When you start explaining yourself or apologising for your past, you are setting yourself up for a toxic relationship where you may be judged.
Who is anyone to judge you or your choices?
No one.

If you were my daughter I would give you a big hug and tell you that you are very precious and deserve only the best.
Certainly not someone judging you about something that is NONE of their business.

Mind yourself.

Avocado bathrooms? Ffs....still traumatised from having one as a child....what was my mother thinking🤢🤮

My number is higher than yours, now v happily married to wonderful DH.

I wouldn't tell partners your number, not because it's anything to be ashamed of but because it's none of their business.

"he was upset but he has gotten over it now"

What a fucking melt 🤣 give him something else to be upset about

Were you ashamed before his reaction? You may have acted out of hurt. But you would have learnt from each experience. Be proud of who you are. I’m wondering how many bf has slept with. Because for men there seems to be different social rules.

Abused by men by being pressured into sex they don't really enthusiastically want.

Then abused by men for having had sex.

This is what our young women are still being subjected to, in 2024.