Ashamed of my past

[OneBrightHare]

Just looking for some advice from some other women really, as my past has really been getting to me. I have slept with 12 people and I’m in my early twenties, and have just finished University, most of these happened between the ages of 18-20 after I was cheated on by my boyfriend at the time. I have been with my current partner for coming up to a year now and we are great together and I told him about it past as I am a very hontest person and didn’t want to keep this from him, he was upset but he has gotten over it now. I just can’t help but think that my past has tainted me and I’m this awful person for letting myself get into these situations when most of them were failed relationships or I felt pressured that I had to sleep with them. I also hate the fact that a few of them are from my hometown and I am so scared that I am going to bump into them. There is so much media etc going around at the moment that deems women who with slept with a certain amount of people as unworthy of being able to be a good partner which I know isn’t true, but it’s got to the point now where it’s all I can think about ☹️

This, as above.
Take a lesson away with you from us, NEVER feel coerced or compelled to tell any man about your past history. It’s nothing to do with them or anyone else. Bat the queries away. Stay non committal.

Adopt a “need to know” policy in life. Assess from now on whether anyone you ever come into contact with needs to know anything about you.
Partners, friends, colleagues, whoever, take a deep breath and think “does this person NEED to know my business?” If not, keep quiet, be discrete.

Man belongs in the bin.

😂 sorry @StopStartStop, thought I'd mad a massive MN error are was about to get ripped to shreds! They prey on the weak you know... 😂
Oh my body count is absolutely ended, I've got a good one and couldn't be doing with all that if I ended up single!!!

made!

Why is he upset about something that happened before you even met him?

A body count of 12 is not a lot, and he needs to get over his own insecurities.

You’ve nothing to be ashamed of at all and it’s nobody else’s business anyway. Load of tosh that it makes you unreliable etc!

I’ve been married for decades now after having a very varied and busy youth! DH has never asked me how many previous partners I have had and I have never volunteered the info as he doesn’t need to know. Completely faithful and happily married.

I wish I'd slept with more people tbh. I was painfully shy and insecure in my youth and I bitterly regret that. I wish I had lived more. Felt life. Not shielded myself from it. You keep living. And make sure you don't settle.

This is brilliant and absolutely spot on!

OP you have done nothing wrong.
I had this argument with a male colleague years ago.
I asked him to imagine meeting someone that had only had one previous sexual partner, but had ticked off every single box with them, how would he feel then?

Men are fucking idiots when it comes to sexual partners, they want women to be confident and experienced but only to have learned that from 'Jackie' and 'Just 17'...

He's gotten over what? You havent done anything TO him? I also thought people didnt ask how many people they'd slept with after the age of about 19. If it doesnt work out with this one, dont discuss in the future, it has zero relevance but always makes one or both of you feel shit.

It is just a number, and frankly no man worth your time will care. It is only my very early life partners who asked/even talked about a number. I've never had a how many people conversation with my husband, and he has never asked for one. We got STD tested when things started to feel serious, and that was what mattered, not who we had bumped uglies with. Stop comparing yourself with others, and have fun (safely).

If women are being shamed for this then things are going backwards. Hopefully it's just a small number of inadequate incel types doing the shaming.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is the rule for this situation I reckon……

I have a feeling your boyfriend has found incel, MRA, red pill, Andrew Tate esque shite online.

Don't stay in a relationship with someone like that. They'll make your life a fucking misery.

Don't ever tell anyone anything about your past sex life.

If they ask you a question, you will never be able to give them the "right" answer.

Your number will be higher or lower than theirs. Too low or too high.

If you've done anything a bit unusual, they will feel embarrassed that they are vanilla. If you have never done anything unusual, they might worry that they are too "racy".

Don't ask anyone a question about their past either, for the same reason!

(Your total is remarkably similar to mine so I'm sure it's fine!)

Oh, and I've shagged some dodgy/stupid men in my time. All except one are fairly local.

I can honestly say not one of them has ever mentioned me or our (former) sex life to anyone else. Why would they?

This includes someone in my old village and someone I do a hobby with.

I used to worry about this at your age like there was some sort of 'golden' respectable number. I guarantee you that in 10 years absolutely no one will care what that number is including you and your partner. I also guarantee you that all your friends and acquaintances who say their number is '5' are closer to double or triple that. If your boyfriend is making you feel bad about it throw him back you're young lots more in the sea. Next time your date asks just say 'a few' with a twinkle in your eye. You're not being dishonest it's just none of their business!!

“The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there” - LP Hartley

OP, I am older than you (40s), and I'd had sex (I hate the term "slept with") more than 12 people by my early twenties, it was right for me and I'm not ashamed of it. It was a fun time in my life. No regrets.

What ever you did in the past is nothing to do with your current partner.

This man is an idiot - get rid of him and find a man who is not into Andrew Tate and treat women like actual humans

It really doesn't matter how many people you had sex with in the past. If the guy you are dating atm has an issue with it maybe you should dumb him. I am closer to mid 40s and I cannot remember how many men I slept with before my DH and I really don't care, neither does he.

Nope I have no embarrassment from my young shagging days. There were a lot and I met my husband at 21. It's not something I dwell on.

Have been with my husband for over 20 years. We have never compared numbers, but I most likely will win hands down.

I don’t have the faintest idea how many women my husband has slept with & he doesn’t know how many men I have been with - I know vaguely about his most long term/sugnificant relationships and that’s about it! It has absolutely NO bearing on your worth as a person. Don’t be ashamed.

My girlfriends and I all enjoyed our uni years and early 20’s. We’re all happily married to good men now.

the past is exactly that.. there is nothing you can do about it, you can't go back and change it.. it is what it is! I don't understand this need for men to know how many partners you have had.. none of their business, same as you don't need to know how many previous encourters they have had... its done and dusted.. over...

Unless the 12 were children, animals or relatives, nothing to feel guilty about. Presumeably you were with consenting adults. And frankly none of his damn business anyway. Even if it's 112 or 1012 people.
Who does he think he is? I hate the term 'red flag,' but... are you sure you like him enough to put up with this?

12 is not that many!