Ashamed of my past

[OneBrightHare]

Just looking for some advice from some other women really, as my past has really been getting to me. I have slept with 12 people and I’m in my early twenties, and have just finished University, most of these happened between the ages of 18-20 after I was cheated on by my boyfriend at the time. I have been with my current partner for coming up to a year now and we are great together and I told him about it past as I am a very hontest person and didn’t want to keep this from him, he was upset but he has gotten over it now. I just can’t help but think that my past has tainted me and I’m this awful person for letting myself get into these situations when most of them were failed relationships or I felt pressured that I had to sleep with them. I also hate the fact that a few of them are from my hometown and I am so scared that I am going to bump into them. There is so much media etc going around at the moment that deems women who with slept with a certain amount of people as unworthy of being able to be a good partner which I know isn’t true, but it’s got to the point now where it’s all I can think about ☹️

You've nothing to be ashamed of at all. Also there is no need to announce how many men you've slept with to your partner. It seems as though you felt this was something he needed to be aware of. Why did you think that? It's your business whether it's one or 100.

I'm in my forties and married, but I work with people who are in their 20s and early 30s and I'm absolutely horrified when I hear all the strange and stupid dating 'rules' that are fashionable at the moment.

One young woman was telling me how you're supposed to tell whoever you're dating if you're still in contact with your ex (even as friends) - and, in turn, if anyone you're dating is in contact with their ex, apparently that's an instantly dumpable offence. She's still in the same peripheral friend group as her ex and she was agonising about how and when she should tell this to the guy she's been dating. It was their third date!

There seems to be a trend towards this sort of over sharing confessional as a proxy for transparency, trust and therefore 'dateworthyness'.

Our millennial ideas that how many people you've slept with is no one else's business, are very old fashioned. Now, it seems that the ultimate ideal is that you're a virgin who's never dated before. Hmm that old chestnut... Some things never change.

In short, that can all fuck off right into the bin.

OP your boyfriend sounds like a sulky, controlling baby. He can get in the bin too. He has no right to make you feel bad for sleeping with people before you even knew he existed. Is he a bit thick? I'd dump him for that alone.

If you have had bad sexual experiences where you've felt used or coerced, then that is a separate issue and I'm sorry you've been through that. Any misplaced guilt or shame you're feeling about that is being weaponised by your boyfriend to give him power over you and make it all about his stupid hurt man feelings. Tell him to fuck off and then get some counselling for yourself love.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to tell him?
Everyone has a past- honest or not it didn't have to be mentioned.
No body knows how many people you've been with & no one needs to know. When you tell people, you make it something they will make judgement on, silently or vocally- even the people you slept with don't know they are 1 of 12
In my opinion you should have kept it to yourself.

Awww lovely! What are you on about?

Bin the shame. You don’t need any of that eating away at you.

Please please promise me that you will NEVER again have sex because you feel pressured into it?
Not in or out of a relationship- ok?

Sex is fun! It’s supposed to be wonderful and joyful and you should always feel AMAZING afterwards. That is literally the point of it!

Give yourself some love and time, and forgive yourself. And just nake sure this relationship makes you feel amazing- because it should. They all should.

Wow please don't feel ashamed, men don't. This is not 1850 so embrace your experiences and take no notice of the boyfriend. I say this as someone much older than you.

Nobody would think twice if your boyfriend had slept with that amount of partners so why would it make a difference that you have? It is not one bit of anyones business how many you have slept with. Stop even thinking about it.
If I had 2 bits of toast and you have 6 does that make you a worse person than me?

Was your boyfriend pressuring you into telling him how many previous partners you'd had? This is a red flag to me, very immature.
I suppose most would consider me rather conservative (with a small c) but I'm married 32 years, only ever slept with one person, but even so - I don't think 12 people is all that much. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. Your bedpost isn't exactly full of notches and even if it were, so what. At least you know what you're doing, and you know what you like. I hope you are keeping up with your sexual health checks.
It worries me that you felt pressured to have sex with at least one of those 12. And now you're being pressured in a different way. Maybe work on that.

Your past is your business and no one else's. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
I would be concerned about his comments.

I have no idea how many men I've slept with, and nor do I care. It's also no one else's business. Any bloke who tries to make you feel bad about it can go fuck themselves. It's not at if you can go back and undo the past, they just want a stick to beat you with so they can feel like the big man who is doing you a favour and honour.

It’s absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. You’ve had some experiences and that’s all part of life. At least you know who you are and where you’re going now. Close the book and move on with your life.

Men are more likely to be rapist, sex offenders and paedophiles

You are not ment to tell people your number, not ever. It's no-one else's business. In the name of honesty is absolute BS. Don't offer it up, and don't answer if asked.
As far as this one goes, he has no right to be anything about it.
Never in my life have I told anyone, and I've never been asked, there is never a good reason to. 12 isn't that big a number anyway. You should not be giving it any headspace, and get rid of unnecessary guilt.

Please put it out of your mind. It is no-one's business but your own. Tell him that, if you need to.

My advice to young women in today's social climate is 'Don't tell. Ever.' A woman's desire to 'be honest' can leave her open to comments and 'punishment' from partners. When men can't help but demand women's 'body count', it's time to grey rock the lot of them.

I've slept with an awful lot more people than you. Two words of advice -

1. you are absolutely allowed to keep some information about yourself as private. No one, not even your DP, is entitled to know everything about yourself. Keep some parts of you for you.
2. sharing how many people you have slept with in a relationship is rarely a good thing. At best there are no worries or ramifications, but I'd say that's unusual. At worst it does very strange things to people. It's in the past, it has absolutely no bearing on your character or your current relationship so leave it in the past.

You've done nothing wrong OP.

Firstly - no person has any right to make you feel ashamed - especially one who you're in a relationship with
Secondly - you don't owe him, or anyone, any explanations, or how many people you've slept with. That's personal and one of anyone's business.

I've slept with an awful lot more people than you.

Ooh, is this a competition??? I'd lose. But, I bet a greater percentage of my exes are now dead, than those of most mumsnetters. 😂

Sounds like u need to seek some therapy, visit yr gp.

This is seriously nothing to get worried about and is purely a misogynistic myth put into society because men want it all ways.

They want a woman who is willing to have sex with them (& enjoy it and be good at it) but that woman must also be inexperienced and not have sex before finding her future husband 🤯

They want pre-marital sex, but not with someone who has pre-marital sex.

It's set up so women "fail".

And for some reason, if you have sex with one man, 2,000 times, who lied and cheated on you, you're seen as more "pure" or "better" than someone who has had sex 10 times but with a variety of men, as you've dumped them when you found out they're liars and cheaters.

How does that work?

Do men honestly think It's better to be knowingly used by one man thousands of times, than have sex with different men who you genuinely believed were in it for the long haul?

There are so many contradictions in what a "good" woman is supposed to do, it's impossible to meet them all and, quite frankly, who would want to?

It's all bullshit, don't let yourself be ground down by it.

You've got nothing to be ashamed about and your boyfriend needs to get a grip.

Everyone is a package. If someone isn't happy with the package you are that's their problem.

1. Have you accepted or about yourself?

His reaction is unreasonable unless he has a valid concern about STDs - but unless you're a virgin that's always going to be an issue and anyway it's too late he should have asked a long time ago.

However, the fact that his reaction has made you question it is also telling.

Do you regret it? If so, that's ok. If you do regret it then the sooner you forgive yourself the better. If it was consensual sex then it was absolutely fine.

If you don't regret it, or you've got over it then just own it. ' yeah it happened, can't change it now'. It's his problem, not yours. Don't apologise for it.

@StopStartStop not at all! I didn't mean it like that, I simply meant the number was irrelevant and I was trying to make the OP feel a bit better. Possibly clumsily put, granted, but the intention was good.

That's ok, I was only having a laugh! I think I need to pay attention to raising my body count before it's too late. 😂

Early 20's so 21 or 22 or even 23
lets suggest you started at 18
so 4+ years = 3 a year

many relationships only last a couple of months or so

of course you have slept with 12 people !

Someone I shagged when I was 20 is my new neighbour. Our kids play together.

It really doesn't matter when you're with someone that isn't a dick.