Page 5 | Finding it hard to be at my DP house

Original poster

Sugaraddict12 · 28/09/2024 20:07

achipandachair · 28/09/2024 17:46

You’re not compatible. You’re saying “how could we ever live together?” Like that’s the implicit ultimate goal. She might not want to live with you. You annoy her with leaving things around, making a mess, maybe snoring (probably why she woke you up). None of that is pleasant from her POV, but if she was dying to live with you she’d over look it.

does she ever stay at your place? Is it convenient, clean, pleasant, set up for her to comfortably cook as you seem to do at hers? Or is all the cooking and leaving things lying around always happening at her place, conveniently near your work, eating into her sleep and her down time?

obvs you can’t stay together for the kids and also, yep maybe she’s being a bit mean. But you sound annoying and a bit of a drip. Cut your losses

Wow that's a little mean calling me a drip. I try my absolute best and she doesn't like staying at mine because apparently it feels "creepy" and she doesn't like not being able to do her home stuff. I do tidy up after myself and help out especially with her DD eg. Picking up and looking after when she's busy with work. So it's nit like I'm sitting around doing nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sugaraddict12 · 28/09/2024 20:10

achipandachair · 28/09/2024 18:54

Seriously would no one else be annoyed if sone one key using things that had a different purpose? If you’re one of those families that has a colour each or different guests towels or something is it not ok to say “sweetie can you use the blue towels, because the red ones are for dc” or something?

In the years I've known her, she's never stated this towel was just hers. At mine I give her a clean towel, I'm not bothered about which one she uses. If she wants to use a certain one at mine then fine, I'm not going to make her feel bad for doing so. I recognise people are different therefore I know we do things different. I let things go. Obviously if it's significant then I may say something but I don't sweat the small stuff

OP posts:

MrSeptember · 28/09/2024 20:13

OP, you're getting a lot of vaidation on this thread but I'm sorry, I'm still not convinced. You "help a lot" but th eonly examples you can give are occassionally fetching and carrying her DC around. You sort of drift around her house. Complain things are expensive, but then won't let her pay, and then complain things are expensive.

I really just think you're not compatible. She's clearly ambitious, hard working, driven, and you seem more like you like to drift along with a bit of a victim mentality. So this probably isn't the relationship for you OR her.

ladyland · 29/09/2024 00:20

She sounds pedantic, a perfectionist perhaps. She probably enjoys having her home just right and things done when she planned (lawns etc).

You staying throws a spanner in the works. I realise that the work situation makes staying at her place convenient and you get time together but maybe it's too much.

Can you negotiate set days and stick to them, if you are still invested in the relationship?

I was married for years, now I'm in a relationship that will never move to living together status and I find too much time together at my place frustrating.

achipandachair · 29/09/2024 10:43

Why does your house feel creepy?
Is it a bit grubby? Is there poor lighting? Is it not properly heated? Do you not really have any food in? Is it hard to make tea or coffee and are there not enough comfortable chairs? Are all the glasses and cups a bit grim and poorly washed? Can she not plug her phone in without crawling into a dusty corner and unplugging something else, with dead spiders in her hair? Is the lid of the toilet always up, skidmarks in it and smells of piss?

If you say it's nothing to do with any of that, can you say what "creepy" means?

Her house is nice and comfortable because she puts the effort in. It's also near your work, which is convenient, but more to the point: having nice towels and other things is work and also, making decisions, and adhering to them. Deciding to keep things clean, putting them in certain places, not leaving them lying around, replacing broken things or not fucking breaking them in the first place, and I can tell from "creepy" that you don't do enough of that in your place, and you don't put the slightest effort into not undoing the work that she has done on it at her place.
She doesn't have to live with you. you're annoying and you don't have a right to her labour to make your life comfortable

Original poster

Sugaraddict12 · 29/09/2024 10:45

MrSeptember · 28/09/2024 20:13

OP, you're getting a lot of vaidation on this thread but I'm sorry, I'm still not convinced. You "help a lot" but th eonly examples you can give are occassionally fetching and carrying her DC around. You sort of drift around her house. Complain things are expensive, but then won't let her pay, and then complain things are expensive.

I really just think you're not compatible. She's clearly ambitious, hard working, driven, and you seem more like you like to drift along with a bit of a victim mentality. So this probably isn't the relationship for you OR her.

Thanks for your lovely comment. Just because I stay at my partner's house sometimes doesnt mean I'm not driven or motivated. That isn't the case at all. I began tidying up after dinner the other day and was told to leave it and she would do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sugaraddict12 · 29/09/2024 10:49

achipandachair · 29/09/2024 10:43

Why does your house feel creepy?
Is it a bit grubby? Is there poor lighting? Is it not properly heated? Do you not really have any food in? Is it hard to make tea or coffee and are there not enough comfortable chairs? Are all the glasses and cups a bit grim and poorly washed? Can she not plug her phone in without crawling into a dusty corner and unplugging something else, with dead spiders in her hair? Is the lid of the toilet always up, skidmarks in it and smells of piss?

If you say it's nothing to do with any of that, can you say what "creepy" means?

Her house is nice and comfortable because she puts the effort in. It's also near your work, which is convenient, but more to the point: having nice towels and other things is work and also, making decisions, and adhering to them. Deciding to keep things clean, putting them in certain places, not leaving them lying around, replacing broken things or not fucking breaking them in the first place, and I can tell from "creepy" that you don't do enough of that in your place, and you don't put the slightest effort into not undoing the work that she has done on it at her place.
She doesn't have to live with you. you're annoying and you don't have a right to her labour to make your life comfortable

you woke up in a nice mood and thought to attack me.
I feel you're speaking to me like this as you assume I'm a man and only men could live in disgusting dirty houses. Actually I'm female and take pride in my own home so no that's not the case. My house is rural and older than hers with no street lights

OP posts:

achipandachair · 29/09/2024 10:49

Sounds like your washing up is so bad it's worse than nothing and she'd rather you didn't

Original poster

Sugaraddict12 · 29/09/2024 10:52

achipandachair · 29/09/2024 10:49

Sounds like your washing up is so bad it's worse than nothing and she'd rather you didn't

How about you take your mean comments off this thread and go take it out on someone else

OP posts:

pictoosh · 29/09/2024 10:54

achipandachair · 29/09/2024 10:49

Sounds like your washing up is so bad it's worse than nothing and she'd rather you didn't

Am hearing Fantasy Island in my head now.

achipandachair · 29/09/2024 12:05

what does it matter what i think? no one on this thread really knows, only you. i offer an alternative pov because you don't need any more validation.

saying you're annoying is just another way of saying she's annoyed by you in her house, which is pretty clear.

what you do with that is up to you: be less annoying, go there less, break up and never go there again. Either as a grown up accepting and working on points of friction, or terminal incompatibilities, or as a sad victim whining about how she's mean to you, also up to you

Fastback · 29/09/2024 12:51

achipandachair · 29/09/2024 10:43

Why does your house feel creepy?
Is it a bit grubby? Is there poor lighting? Is it not properly heated? Do you not really have any food in? Is it hard to make tea or coffee and are there not enough comfortable chairs? Are all the glasses and cups a bit grim and poorly washed? Can she not plug her phone in without crawling into a dusty corner and unplugging something else, with dead spiders in her hair? Is the lid of the toilet always up, skidmarks in it and smells of piss?

If you say it's nothing to do with any of that, can you say what "creepy" means?

Her house is nice and comfortable because she puts the effort in. It's also near your work, which is convenient, but more to the point: having nice towels and other things is work and also, making decisions, and adhering to them. Deciding to keep things clean, putting them in certain places, not leaving them lying around, replacing broken things or not fucking breaking them in the first place, and I can tell from "creepy" that you don't do enough of that in your place, and you don't put the slightest effort into not undoing the work that she has done on it at her place.
She doesn't have to live with you. you're annoying and you don't have a right to her labour to make your life comfortable

Assumed the OP was a man didn’t you, decided to make up a load of nonsense and stick the boot in?

Posters like this, venting their own inadequacy, are really cluttering up MN these days.

Original poster

Sugaraddict12 · 29/09/2024 13:07

Fastback · 29/09/2024 12:51

Assumed the OP was a man didn’t you, decided to make up a load of nonsense and stick the boot in?

Posters like this, venting their own inadequacy, are really cluttering up MN these days.

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Exactly what I got from this too. Thank you

OP posts:

QueenBitch666 · 29/09/2024 21:20

Surely being single is preferable to being in this toxic relationship?
She sounds abusive

dotdotdotdash · 29/09/2024 21:54

When people are hot and cold, like your partner is being with you, the inconsistency of their responses can make it more difficult to pull away. You get ground down but then you hang on hoping that they’ll come through and be nice. There’s a good book by Lundy Bancroft called ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ That has a series of questions you can ask yourself to make up your mind. Best of luck

Original poster

Sugaraddict12 · 30/09/2024 15:11

dotdotdotdash · 29/09/2024 21:54

When people are hot and cold, like your partner is being with you, the inconsistency of their responses can make it more difficult to pull away. You get ground down but then you hang on hoping that they’ll come through and be nice. There’s a good book by Lundy Bancroft called ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ That has a series of questions you can ask yourself to make up your mind. Best of luck

Thank you ill look it up.
I text asking why she had been this way recently and what's going on. She text back I'm not feeling well at the minute, I'll text when I am. I was shocked she even said that

OP posts:

beanii · 01/10/2024 18:12

Sugaraddict12 · 30/09/2024 15:11

Thank you ill look it up.
I text asking why she had been this way recently and what's going on. She text back I'm not feeling well at the minute, I'll text when I am. I was shocked she even said that

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Do you REALLY want to carry on like this for the rest of your life?

Seems you like the familiarity and attention more than being happy and moving on with your life.

CheekyPombear · 16/04/2025 22:53

Sugaraddict12 · 23/09/2024 22:04

I've been staying at my partner's house every other week as they live closer to my work and its the week that I don't have my DC. We have been together a while but haven't spent long periods of actually "living" together.
I'm feeling like DP doesn't want me here. I understand people have their own ways but she picks at every little thing. Apparently the way I crushed the garlic tonight wasn't right, I used the wrong pepper, I have to go to bed at 10 because that's when she wants to go to sleep and gets in a mood if I'm downstairs longer. I'm suppose to have a 5 min shower to save.money and she moans if I wash my hair. Apparently I used the wrong towel. I don't make the bed right.
There are lots of other small things like the above and I literally feel I can't do anything correct. Even though I helped her out earlier so she could work and I picked up her DC from school.
Also she's not as affectionate and when I try talk to her I don't feel like she's truly listening and not that interested what I'm saying. However I listen to her rants and about her day.
I don't want to stay but now it's too late tonight so I'll have to leave tomorrow. I'm having a tough time atm with my health and had a bad day at work. Just feel that I don't have a DP really, feel quite alone

You sound really miserable not surprising.
Look after yourself and if your not happy move on.

CheekyPombear · 16/04/2025 22:54

pictoosh · 29/09/2024 10:54

Am hearing Fantasy Island in my head now.

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Didnt tight fit sing that?.

BiologicalRobot · 16/04/2025 23:06

@CheekyPombear - why have you resurrected a six month old thread??