Finding it hard to be at my DP house

[Sugaraddict12]

I've been staying at my partner's house every other week as they live closer to my work and its the week that I don't have my DC. We have been together a while but haven't spent long periods of actually "living" together.
I'm feeling like DP doesn't want me here. I understand people have their own ways but she picks at every little thing. Apparently the way I crushed the garlic tonight wasn't right, I used the wrong pepper, I have to go to bed at 10 because that's when she wants to go to sleep and gets in a mood if I'm downstairs longer. I'm suppose to have a 5 min shower to save.money and she moans if I wash my hair. Apparently I used the wrong towel. I don't make the bed right.
There are lots of other small things like the above and I literally feel I can't do anything correct. Even though I helped her out earlier so she could work and I picked up her DC from school.
Also she's not as affectionate and when I try talk to her I don't feel like she's truly listening and not that interested what I'm saying. However I listen to her rants and about her day.
I don't want to stay but now it's too late tonight so I'll have to leave tomorrow. I'm having a tough time atm with my health and had a bad day at work. Just feel that I don't have a DP really, feel quite alone

Teach your children properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he or she learning here?. You’re showing your child that being abused and mistreated is what happens in relationships and that person is seeing that currently at least this treatment is acceptable to you. You would not want your child as an adult to be in this sort of relationship and it’s not good enough for you either.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. Be on your own, it’s far better than being in an abusive relationshi like you are describing. Your boundaries here, perhaps already weakened by poor life experiences and or poor relationships are being further got at by her now. Abuse too can take a long time, years even, to recover from.

I have a slightly different view. Her behaviour does sound unpleasant but how does it work that you are spending 50% of your nights at her house? Are you contributing to bills, housework etc? Has she specifically asked you to spend this much time there? She acknowledges she's finding it hard to have someone in her space this much and technically you don't live together, so to me this is a clear sign she's not ready to move in and she feels like you are invading her space.

I think when you are a couple but with separate homes, one of the things that have to be navigated is that it IS your home, or her home, and it's set up for each of you accordingly - your preferences on cleanliness, on cooking, on bills etc. It can be very annoying to have to compromise for someone else in your own home. And when you move into together, this is something you then navigate together and figure out th eright levels that work for both. But if you've sort of moved in by stealth, sh emight well be feeling resentful but doesn't know how to express that.

I have a feeling she is being nice so I will pick her DC up, she mentioned it yesterday if I could

It wasn't stealth, she suggested I do this with my new Job being so close to hers. I pay my way also when I'm here. I help with her DC and pick them up when needed.
I get people have their own way in their home but she seems to have no flexibility and just avoiding me or picking at me, it's getting to me

Only you and her can tell if your contribution is fair and appropriate. I've seen too many threads from women whose partners are semi-moved in and think they're doing a brilliant job because they unload the dishwasher and pay half the food bill. I'm not saying that's you, I'm just saying I can see how this happens.

But it seems pretty clear that this is not working. That you are in her space and she doesn't feel ready to have you an equal partner in her space. I have sympathy because your space is your space (singular) but her space is your space (plural). I would suggest that you go back to spending less time. Perhaps you do 2 nights, then go home for a couple of nights, then return for 2 nights.

Nasty/nice cycle is exactly what's happening. She's being nice because she will benefit from it.

Women get caught in this cycle too often that it's often ignored or minimised like some PPs ate doing when it happens to men, abuse is abuse. When a relationship makes you that uncomfortable and is full of criticism, you need to end it.

Your child needs you to be happy.

Sometimes counselling can help determine whether abuse is going on or not. In some cases it is absolutely clear, but one partner feeling that the other is constantly fault-finding may mean something else.

Something that occurred to me is that when people want out of a relationship, they behave badly - are snappy, impatient, everything the other person does is wrong etc. But they know they are being mean and feel guilty about it, so try to be nice. But they can't sustain the niceness because the core of it is they want out. But they might be nervous of pulling the plug, might also worry that they'll regret it - they too have sunk costs.
But someone has to be brave and admit when the relationship is done and officially end it.

It isn't working, you need to end things.

Your children will quickly adapt and a holiday can be changed.

You cannot stay unhappy for those reasons - the sooner it's done, the easier it will be.

Ok, that’s really unfortunate. Maybe the next conversation will need to be about setting boundaries and understanding consequences.

Is the holiday already paid for ? If so is it refundable? Going on a holiday with someone treating you like shit is horrendous.

maybe more time apart and no plans while she works through her issue is what’s needed.

You don’t have to be partners though?
Just split and remain friends?
No need to throw the baby out with the bath water xx

I’m sorry but she’s abusive. And manipulating you. She knew you were not in bed last night and left you on the sofa. She’s now trued to reel you back in so she can abuse you some more.

end it.

Also she’s a liar. If she really missed you in bed she’d have come down and got you.

She sounds very controlling i would have major concerns if someone treated your child like this what would you say children learn what they live if one parent allows the other to treat them poorly be it through control or dv then they wilm see tjis as normal life and take thzt into tjeir relationships in adulthood i would leave

Oh God, leave. This is emotional abuse (along with everything else you've mentioned, which is very controlling). This particular aspect is called gaslighting - pretending something didn't happen the way it clearly did, and therefore calling your reaction (and you) crazy. It's emotional abuse because it does eventually start making you doubt your own reality and ability to trust your own judgement. (And here you are, seeking advice on MN, instead of knowing for sure that she's treating to awfully.)
Please end this relationship. She won't change.

I have to go to bed at 10 because that's when she wants to go to sleep and gets in a mood if I'm downstairs longer.

This is controlling.

No one should tell you (or manipulate you) what time to go to bed.

You are an adult and not a child.

As an adult, I can stay up all night if I want to.
I can get watch movies, play Xbox, be on MN literally anything I want to, because I am an adult.

Being an adult can be difficult, but the best thing about it is that we have no one to tell us what to do and we have so much more freedom.
Well most of us do.

Why would you want this for yourself.

There is no such thing as staying together for the kids.
That is just an excuse that people use because they’re too afraid at being alone.

You know you need to leave, she's being nice so you will do things for her, this sounds like a very loveless relationship and you're going to get steadily more miserable.

Because they make you feel like life would be absolutely shit without them. It's all part of the abuse. You've spent a long time with this woman, not knowing which way is up. You are already doubting yourself. You feel like you need her, you'd be nothing without her.
I was in your situation six months ago. I got to a point when I realised that he is who I thought he is (a narcissist), and despite promises to change every time we'd split up before, it became clear that they were empty promises. I'd already checked out, mentally, I think, then there was the last straw.
It hurt terriblly for a couple of weeks after I left, then I felt freedom. I went through a phase of not knowing who to trust anymore (that's the fallout of a relationship with someone who's supposed to love you and yet treats you so badly).
But, I'm so glad I'm out. My friends say I'm the old me, again. I'm happy and vibrant.
Be strong. Leaving will be hard for a while, of course, but staying will be harder forever. That is fact.

has she done alist so it at least gives you a chance ?

Leave. It doesn't sound like the children get on anyway, despite what you said. Your life does not have to be this way.

If she's been single a long time beforeshe may be set in her ways. My bf drives me crazy if he's over for too long because he is quite passive on certain things or so either just constantly asks me what to do. I'm like if you see it needs doing then do it.
I'm also 55 and I don't sleep well with menopause symptoms and it is annoying when he wakes me up coming in late or whatever.
The bit she is missing is the bit where you hold your tongue and try to look beyond it. Because it's not nice to nit pick and he is great at other stuff and he's a package deal and frankly so am I. So I gently nudge on some stuff and some I let go and some I pull him up on. I do need my space though so after a few days, he tends to go back to his. This seems to work out for both of us, and we are both happy with the arrangement.
You don't sound happy and she doesn't act happy. So something needs to change.
I'd agree with a bit of space from each other. Don't stay so often and see how you feel. And absolutely don't stay for DC or holidays

Good luck

Sounds fretful and upsetting. I couldn't settle with someone who tells me when to go to bed then gets annoyed if I don't. I'll use whatever towel I please. I am not tolerant of being micromanaged at all. I have no desire to micromanage anyone else either. If there's micromanaging going on we're going to fall out.

She certainly doesn't sound like easy company. You don't have to choose her.

OP, what is your "DP" bringing to your life except that she gets along with your DC? Just reading about your bedroom routine annoys me, it's not your routine, it's hers, and she is forcing you to abide by her ways, that's no life.
as you say, you listen to her rant about her day, but you are feeling ill and she is not listening to you, she sounds a classic narc. Please distance yourself, surely it would be better to put yourself first for a change?

Time to walk away. She views you and treats you with contempt and once that has set in I don’t think it goes away.

Better your child get used to a split now than wait any longer. Plan a holiday just you and your child, you can’t stay in a relationship because you have a holiday booked. Just write the deposit off and start again.

Thanks everyone. In regards to the holiday I got quite up a month ago and stated I didn't know if I could afford this holiday (legal family court bills, change of jobs etc meant I didn't have much coming in). She said she listened and that it was ok we didn't have to go. Now she's saying she still wants to go because she doesn't want to let the kids down and asking how much can I pay. I've stressed so many times I can't afford it but she won't listen. So now I feel stressed and feeling like I need to save every single bit of money I can. Tbh my own home needs redecorating, new carpets, new sofa etc but she ALWAYS wants to be going here there and everywhere. I've told her before can't keep forking out for these mini breaks away or holidays. She doesn't listen though.

I haven't really spoken to her much this week. Her job comes 1st in her eyes. Sometimes before her DD. Which is sad. I've struggled this week with my health but haven't felt much support. Her work colleague that I don't even know has sent me stuff about my health to help. Really kind. DP hasn't done anything like that for me.