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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding it hard to be at my DP house

120 replies

Sugaraddict12 · 23/09/2024 22:04

I've been staying at my partner's house every other week as they live closer to my work and its the week that I don't have my DC. We have been together a while but haven't spent long periods of actually "living" together.
I'm feeling like DP doesn't want me here. I understand people have their own ways but she picks at every little thing. Apparently the way I crushed the garlic tonight wasn't right, I used the wrong pepper, I have to go to bed at 10 because that's when she wants to go to sleep and gets in a mood if I'm downstairs longer. I'm suppose to have a 5 min shower to save.money and she moans if I wash my hair. Apparently I used the wrong towel. I don't make the bed right.
There are lots of other small things like the above and I literally feel I can't do anything correct. Even though I helped her out earlier so she could work and I picked up her DC from school.
Also she's not as affectionate and when I try talk to her I don't feel like she's truly listening and not that interested what I'm saying. However I listen to her rants and about her day.
I don't want to stay but now it's too late tonight so I'll have to leave tomorrow. I'm having a tough time atm with my health and had a bad day at work. Just feel that I don't have a DP really, feel quite alone

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 28/09/2024 04:39

This is really sad. You sound defeated.

The only person who can change this is you.

Ultimately your children will be happier if you split as they get a happier parent.

Desmodici · 28/09/2024 05:17

Sugaraddict12 · 28/09/2024 04:28

Thanks everyone. In regards to the holiday I got quite up a month ago and stated I didn't know if I could afford this holiday (legal family court bills, change of jobs etc meant I didn't have much coming in). She said she listened and that it was ok we didn't have to go. Now she's saying she still wants to go because she doesn't want to let the kids down and asking how much can I pay. I've stressed so many times I can't afford it but she won't listen. So now I feel stressed and feeling like I need to save every single bit of money I can. Tbh my own home needs redecorating, new carpets, new sofa etc but she ALWAYS wants to be going here there and everywhere. I've told her before can't keep forking out for these mini breaks away or holidays. She doesn't listen though.

I haven't really spoken to her much this week. Her job comes 1st in her eyes. Sometimes before her DD. Which is sad. I've struggled this week with my health but haven't felt much support. Her work colleague that I don't even know has sent me stuff about my health to help. Really kind. DP hasn't done anything like that for me.

Okay, so this constant changing of her mind is also designed to leave you in a state of confusion. My ex did this, as well.
On top of that, she seems keen to knowingly create situations that leave you broke. Why would someone who loves you do that? It's to leave you feeling financially vulnerable so you feel you need her more.
Honestly, you need to leave this relationship. I've been exactly where you are (already commented on your thread twice), and it won't change. In fact the emotional abuse will likely get worse. Every time she treats you like crap, and you allow it, she knows she can get away with more.
She's nasty, and when you do leave you'll really start to see it all so clearly. You'll realise that anything good she did in the relationship was simply to keep you hanging on and hoping that one day it'll ALL be good.
Please, PLEASE, walk away.

pictoosh · 28/09/2024 07:24

She wants to control your bedtime and your finances and your priorities. It's your fucking money and your home.
She's a dominator. Get rid.

cherrysonata · 28/09/2024 07:50

It is well documented that the biggest indicator of whether a relationship will stay the course is if contempt is involved.

Your DP is consistently contemptuous of you. Your self esteem will be ruined if you stay.

Take control of your life OP. You can do this. You will be so much happier when you do. Best of luck.

Original poster
Sugaraddict12 · 28/09/2024 08:03

Desmodici · 28/09/2024 05:17

Okay, so this constant changing of her mind is also designed to leave you in a state of confusion. My ex did this, as well.
On top of that, she seems keen to knowingly create situations that leave you broke. Why would someone who loves you do that? It's to leave you feeling financially vulnerable so you feel you need her more.
Honestly, you need to leave this relationship. I've been exactly where you are (already commented on your thread twice), and it won't change. In fact the emotional abuse will likely get worse. Every time she treats you like crap, and you allow it, she knows she can get away with more.
She's nasty, and when you do leave you'll really start to see it all so clearly. You'll realise that anything good she did in the relationship was simply to keep you hanging on and hoping that one day it'll ALL be good.
Please, PLEASE, walk away.

Show quote history

I did think is she trying to make me poor. If I say I can't afford to go she will offer to pay then I say no it's ok I feel bad and then she won't listen or get in a mood because it's her time off to enjoy doing stuff.
Funny thing is she's a people pleaser and hates confrontation with others. Will let friends treat her badly but with me she's not like that at all. Just recently she has shouted at me a few times and she never used to shout.
I feel like I have 2 sides fighting saying it will get better or you don't want to let your DC down for the holiday but the other side is saying she's horrible to you.

We have split before, I did end it. I can't even remember why now. But I caved and went back because I missed her.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 28/09/2024 08:09

Your DC is going to be more disappointed when you can't afford anything for them because you prioritised an abusive woman.

You are just making excuses to stay now. Most victims do. It won't get better, it will only get worse. You said she doesn't even put her own child first, do you really think she cares that she is affecting yours?

Desmodici · 28/09/2024 08:28

Sugaraddict12 · 28/09/2024 08:03

I did think is she trying to make me poor. If I say I can't afford to go she will offer to pay then I say no it's ok I feel bad and then she won't listen or get in a mood because it's her time off to enjoy doing stuff.
Funny thing is she's a people pleaser and hates confrontation with others. Will let friends treat her badly but with me she's not like that at all. Just recently she has shouted at me a few times and she never used to shout.
I feel like I have 2 sides fighting saying it will get better or you don't want to let your DC down for the holiday but the other side is saying she's horrible to you.

We have split before, I did end it. I can't even remember why now. But I caved and went back because I missed her.

Show quote history

I'm familiar with the feeling of two sides fighting, and also with going back after ending it (because he swore he'd change, or had excuses for his behaviour).
I really hope you find the strength you need. It's not a healthy love, it's attachment. You will be so much happier without her!

Thfrog · 28/09/2024 08:32

I've been staying at my partner's house every other week as they live closer to my work and its the week that I don't have my DC. you don't have to stay there just because you have been doing it every other week.

How about having a break and then you can decide if the relationship is for you. It doesn't sound very healthy tbh

pictoosh · 28/09/2024 08:34

It won't get better. This is how she is and how she's going to be.
That much is certain.

LoveInAWildTime · 28/09/2024 08:38

She sounds really hard work. I'd split with her. You will miss her but that's normal. She won't change.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 28/09/2024 08:39

Maybe just refusing to go/ pay for the holiday will be the start of the end of the relationship…
If you somehow agree to go with her, it’ll drag the relationship on for many more months… I don’t imagine that holiday insurance will cover the break up of a relationship.

It sounds massively dysfunctional and not good for you. She is hanging out the red bunting flags. Controlling, gaslighting etc. please do some research. Plenty on MN or YouTube.

You don’t say how old the kids are, but I’m sure there’s a way of explaining it to them.

You have to think of yourself FIRST.

pictoosh · 28/09/2024 09:19

People who find themselves in this situation often cling to the belief that their controlling, critical partner will somehow eventually see the light and change.

The truth is, they hold you in contempt and they don't love you enough to care about it. They lack empathy and have a fixed mindset pertaining to their own importance.
It's not your fault. She would treat any partner she had this way.

It's a genuine shame to waste your precious time on her.

Original poster
Sugaraddict12 · 28/09/2024 09:43

Funny thing is (well not funny) I've been in a bad abusive rrlationship previously she knows all about it. She said to me when we were having a disagreement "were you like this with ex because perhaps that's why they were the way they were with you" I was shocked. She did apologise straight away but that's not the point.
I used to have counselling but can't afford it anymore. Wish I still had it so I could build the confidence to end it.

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 28/09/2024 10:31

A tip which I used to end a dysfunctional relationship is to tell other people it's over and that you've split up. Obviously this can't happen days before but the day of. I told my family and then I sort of felt I had to follow through then. Wierd but worked for me

Original poster
Sugaraddict12 · 28/09/2024 16:03

Whyherewego · 28/09/2024 10:31

A tip which I used to end a dysfunctional relationship is to tell other people it's over and that you've split up. Obviously this can't happen days before but the day of. I told my family and then I sort of felt I had to follow through then. Wierd but worked for me

I tried this at the beginning of the year and we did split for all of 3 weeks. But then I was lonely and missed her and she cried and I felt bad so we got back together!

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 28/09/2024 16:04

Block her. Delete the number etc
You are in a relationship that is not good for you and will never be

Original poster
Sugaraddict12 · 28/09/2024 16:20

I've stupidly seen her today. Wanted to gage it. Me and DC are back at hers thought we would spend time together. She's just outside mowing the lawn. Yea I know, I know. I shouldn't be here.
Want to leave and not look back but don't want to cause a scene with DC here

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 28/09/2024 16:31

You need space from each other. She specifically said this to you ! Just go home and stay at your own house

Pashazade · 28/09/2024 16:36

Why are you exposing your children to this atmosphere, come on OP you can do this, just say you've come on ill and need to go home. Get out and don't go back. We'll all back you up on here if you have a wobble.

Laszlomydarling · 28/09/2024 16:54

Absolutely go home. I suspect when you leave you'll feel relief. This is a sign you don't belong together.

Laszlomydarling · 28/09/2024 16:56

No need for a scene. Just tell her you want to go home, that you want your own bed, and you'll call her tomorrow.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 28/09/2024 17:09

It sounds a miserable way to live. Could you both agree to sp.it as partners but the children remain friend?

achipandachair · 28/09/2024 17:46

You’re not compatible. You’re saying “how could we ever live together?” Like that’s the implicit ultimate goal. She might not want to live with you. You annoy her with leaving things around, making a mess, maybe snoring (probably why she woke you up). None of that is pleasant from her POV, but if she was dying to live with you she’d over look it.

does she ever stay at your place? Is it convenient, clean, pleasant, set up for her to comfortably cook as you seem to do at hers? Or is all the cooking and leaving things lying around always happening at her place, conveniently near your work, eating into her sleep and her down time?

obvs you can’t stay together for the kids and also, yep maybe she’s being a bit mean. But you sound annoying and a bit of a drip. Cut your losses

Cherrysoup · 28/09/2024 17:50

Genuinely sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship. She constantly wants to control you-you’re not allowed to use a certain towel?! It’s all very extreme. You say you don’t want to break up for the dcs’ sake, but is this a relationship you want to model for them? Bonkers.

achipandachair · 28/09/2024 18:54

Seriously would no one else be annoyed if sone one key using things that had a different purpose? If you’re one of those families that has a colour each or different guests towels or something is it not ok to say “sweetie can you use the blue towels, because the red ones are for dc” or something?