Finding it hard to be at my DP house

[Sugaraddict12]

I've been staying at my partner's house every other week as they live closer to my work and its the week that I don't have my DC. We have been together a while but haven't spent long periods of actually "living" together.
I'm feeling like DP doesn't want me here. I understand people have their own ways but she picks at every little thing. Apparently the way I crushed the garlic tonight wasn't right, I used the wrong pepper, I have to go to bed at 10 because that's when she wants to go to sleep and gets in a mood if I'm downstairs longer. I'm suppose to have a 5 min shower to save.money and she moans if I wash my hair. Apparently I used the wrong towel. I don't make the bed right.
There are lots of other small things like the above and I literally feel I can't do anything correct. Even though I helped her out earlier so she could work and I picked up her DC from school.
Also she's not as affectionate and when I try talk to her I don't feel like she's truly listening and not that interested what I'm saying. However I listen to her rants and about her day.
I don't want to stay but now it's too late tonight so I'll have to leave tomorrow. I'm having a tough time atm with my health and had a bad day at work. Just feel that I don't have a DP really, feel quite alone

Was she the same when you went away together or was she more 50/50 about things?

Also does she act the same way when she's at yours?

Sounds a bit toxic.
Life's too short for a relationship with that kind of atmosphere

It doesn't sound like it to be honest 😕 and you wouldn't want to live with someone who's always picking at you for any little thing, would you?

Time for a break. She needs space. You need time to consider your options.

I agree it’s time for a break to 1) give yourself space to recover 2) give her time to miss you and reassess her ways, she should rigid and controlling. Or give you a chance to not miss her or staying at her home.

Maybe of you see each other you should actually go on a date on your child free night, see if that helps you reconnect as you are saying there’s no intimacy. When we are child free this is something we jump at ( myself and dp) but even if we have kids it still happens when we know they are asleep :)

Do you think in her mind she thinks you stay just because it’s convenient for work and not really to see her? I am just trying to look at the situation from all angles so sorry if I’m jumping about.

My partner and I do similar to you when we don’t have dc but turn take most of the time, we both have space in each others bedrooms and bathroom for personal belongings. We have d each others keys and feel comfortable in each others houses. She just sounds ice cold or that she’s purposely being horrible.

Why do you have to go to bed at the same time?

This relationship isn't going to go anywhere, she's controlling. Id leave and wouldn't come back.

I have no clue. I went up to bed at 9.45 last night and she was already asleep with the lights off. So I slept on the sofa I couldn't be bothered with the hassle getting ready for bed and then her moan I've woken her. Then this morning she's like a new person came downstairs, woke me up gave me a kiss, asked if I wanted tea. I get so confused I literally don't know what version I'm going to get from 1 day to the next

It sounds like she’s checked out of this relationship and finds your presence irritating. I’d end it. Holidays can be cancelled

Not so much that you ever will but more that you never should. It's an appalling way to treat someone.

Take your DC and go back to your own home and re-evaluate. You told her how you feel which has been ignored. It really doesn't bode well for the future.

Tbh I'm finding it exhausting. I'm suppose to stay tonight too but I'm going home tonight. Have my own space and not feeling like I'm walking on egg shells.
The guilt of breaking us apart because of the children is getting to me. I can see why now people stay together for the children even though they shouldn't

The children are probably picking up on it and putting a brave face on for you. Pretty sure they won't enjoy her kids kicking off. Make the break this really doesn't sound healthy. Happy parent equals happy kids and you aren't happy.

You are being abused by her and your children are too.

End it. She is awful.

Another vote for ending it. It's not working and neither of you are happy

You said upthread that her moods put both you and your child on edge. I suspect your child won't be as gutted as you think, to go home and have some space from all this.

I wouldn't worry too much about the children's friendship - children's friend groups are very flexible when they're young and the kids they are very close up now, is subject to change as they get older and develop new interests. Your dc will be okay. And kids are very good at staying in contact via SM and FaceTime etc, if that's what they truly want. You can help facilitate contact but you shouldn't be staying in this hot mess of a relationship, just for the kids.

The hills are that way ➡️

It does, and with each one of your new posts it looks worse.
Staying together because your kids get on well is madness. They'll soon start feeling the horrible atmosphere and it will affect them. That's if it isn't affecting them already - so many parents kid themselves that the children don't notice.
The children may well miss each other but they'll be ok. Children make and break friends all the time. Families move house or emigrate. Sacrificing your entire wellbeing because you don't want your child to be upset for a while is very unwise. I don't think you've been seeing the awfulness of your situation clearly enough.

Staying in a bad relationship is never better for the children.

Your relationship has soured and you need to end it. Being unhappy for the sake of the friendship your respective children share is a very bad idea. If you stay together your relationship will worsen whereas if you end it now you might be able to stay amicable enough for the children to be dropped off for visits with each other.

There is no guarantee they will remain close friends as their world expands and they meet other children.

And, as is said many times for good reason, you are teaching your children that this kind of unhappiness is what they can expect from a relationship.

Just go home and then end it. If it turns out the children lose their friendship that will be sad for a while but they will make new friends especially if you get your child involved in activities where they will meet other children.

This is really sad. She sounds really nasty, and like she doesn't even like you or want you around even. So what is the point of you being a relationship. If the kids get on well they'll keep in touch on their own amongst themselves. Not only would I go home, I'd end the relationship. You're not getting anything out of it at all, are you, except to be made to feel useless and like you can't do anything right. You're better off alone or at least out of this relationship. She only harms you, she adds nothing to your life.

Maybe it's hard to leave because there are still some good things about the relationship? If you want it to continue, and she does too, your best bet may be couples counselling. At least it might help you understand what is going on, and what part you are playing in the dramas, if any. Can be hard to see that when you are in the middle of a conflict. A personal example from me: if I get irritated with my partner about some small thing, it is often because I feel he's ignored something that I've told him matters to me. He doesn't have to do what I tell him to, obviously, but I want him to remember and acknowledge that we've had a previous conversation about whatever it is. A third party can spot these things and help create a more constructive dynamic; or if not, help you separate in the best way possible for you and the children.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. And there are many types of abuse present in this relationship

This relationship is over because of the abuse she meted out to you and in turn your own child. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Do not stay with here just because of the kids or for a holiday that has been booked, that way madness lies. Do not also get hung up on your sunk costs, the past is gone.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something does not work out. When a relationship does not succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one's life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on a sunk cost creates a distraction from one's inner truth. The sentence often goes like, "I've already invested too much, so I cannot notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship".

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Yes this is the sunk cost fallacy isn't it. Because you have put so much effort and time in you don't want to give it up. I guess it's part of the reason. Part of it is the unknown of single life again. Part of it is my DC. So a few reasons I guess. But I'm not happy always feel confused.

For example just now I've received a nice text from DP saying they love me and that they missed me in bed last night. This kind of stuff messes with my mind because last night she didn't want to know me and was telling me I was doing so many things wrong

That is the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Ignore such attempts of hoovering you back into their dysfunctional world.