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Original poster

Awful Sex

125 replies

Mummyto4WM · 21/09/2024 13:45

Hi all,
Can we discuss bad sex. We've been discussing this for weeks in our little friendship group... and still drawing blanks.

Can a relationship survive truly awful sex? He's clumsy. He's manhood is quite small. He has no idea what to do, despite doing Beducated courses. It's just awful.

How can this be overcome?

OP posts:
aCatCalledFawkes · 21/09/2024 22:14

OnceUponATimeInTheWest · 21/09/2024 18:43

OK, but only after you'd actually discussed it and maybe had a chance to tell each other where it might be going wrong, by the sounds of it.

I know the thought of 'teaching' a man is not exactly super sexy, but how are they supposed to get better at this stuff if someone isn't prepared to let them know where they are going wrong and give them the chance to improve? Porn? That's likely to make it worse. Other men !?!

Show quote history

I'm well in to my 40s now, I did the learning stuff with my first boyfriend when I was I was 17, then subsequent relationships including my exhusband and ex partners. Some of them taught me things I didn't know but mainly they were all able to communicate what they wanted.
So if we have talked about it, at what point do you actually give up?

turbonerd · 21/09/2024 22:18

Just read op’s update.

I’d just call it a day. Be friends, go out and have a laugh. And don’t go to bed with him.
Have sex with someone who cares about your pleasure too. This guy clearly doesn’t give a single hoot how it is for you.

OnceUponATimeInTheWest · 21/09/2024 22:18

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/09/2024 22:14

I'm well in to my 40s now, I did the learning stuff with my first boyfriend when I was I was 17, then subsequent relationships including my exhusband and ex partners. Some of them taught me things I didn't know but mainly they were all able to communicate what they wanted.
So if we have talked about it, at what point do you actually give up?

Show quote history

At any point, after you have talked about it and it hasn't worked out. My point is that I really think people should talk about it first, especially when the man is presumably a decent person and it's only the sex that's a bit shit.

XChrome · 21/09/2024 22:23

He can't help the size of his penis, so if that's important to you you're either going to have to end the relationship or live without a big dick.
As for his clumsiness and lack of skill, if he cared enough about your pleasure he'd prioritize learning.
Sometimes being bad in bed is weaponized incompetence. He could have figured out that you don't like his penis size and is getting back at you for that. Any chance that could be it?

A lot of men are bad in bed. They learn sex from porn, which is all about what men enjoy, not women. They stupidly assume that's what it's like IRL. They never learn to get women off because their expectation is that whatever gets men off gets women off.

XChrome · 21/09/2024 22:28

TrishM80 · 21/09/2024 14:20

Why is it always the man that has to be responsible for "good sex"?!

Are you serious? Women do most of the pleasing. A lot of men just expect women to like whatever they like.
As the old joke goes;
After a blowjob, the man says to the woman; "Did you cum, babe?"

The orgasm deficit is on the female side, always has been. So obviously men are not doing as much pleasuring as women are.

XChrome · 21/09/2024 22:35

His history - so he was married for 10 years, his only sexual partner, he said he has sex around 10 times, in the marriage when trying for a baby. Never had oral sex. Never watched porn.

I'd be willing to bet a large sum of money that he watches porn in secret. It's probably how he learned to be so selfish. He thinks porn sex, which is totally focused on the man's pleasure, is the way sex should be.

ForestForever · 21/09/2024 22:43

No matter how much he makes you laugh, if he’s selfish in bed which it sounds as though he is along with all of the other issues you’ve listed then there will be other areas in life he will be selfish in as well. You will end up resenting him and being hateful of the fact you have to put up with all of the normal things that our partners irritate us with but it will be compounded by the fact you’re constantly gagging for a good session and you’ll never get it. You have a normal, healthy sex drive and he doesn’t I’m afraid you’re just not compatible. Sorry OP.

I was with a “nice” man who made me laugh but ultimately it turned out he was selfish in many ways as well as severely lacking in the sex department. It felt like heaven when I finally moved on and got with someone who wanted to please me in many ways not just sexually and still does. You only live once, don’t allow yourself to be tied to shit sex for a man who can’t be bothered to listen to you. That’s not a man who cares about you.

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/09/2024 22:45

OnceUponATimeInTheWest · 21/09/2024 22:18

At any point, after you have talked about it and it hasn't worked out. My point is that I really think people should talk about it first, especially when the man is presumably a decent person and it's only the sex that's a bit shit.

Edited
Show quote history

I feel like you minimising the sex, the "sex that's a bit shit" thing isn't for everyone, probably more so if you have had better than "shit sex" before and I think the OP has said enough that they have talked over these things. Obviously if you really like someone of course you fight a bit harder for them, if the other person is a decent person then he will listen to what you are asking and meet you at least halfway, I wouldn't expect to start from scratch and have to teach them though.

asfar · 21/09/2024 22:45

A lot of sex is about a certain type of confidence IMO. My wife isn’t confident about sex at all, which means our sex life is pretty rubbish and infrequent, I’ve asked in various ways what she likes, what she wants and she doesn’t seem to know. Of course the wrong type of confidence can be really bad, I imagine many women have slept with men who are confident in all the wrong ways and that doesn’t translate to good sex.

Stravaig · 21/09/2024 22:48

timeforanewmoniker · 21/09/2024 22:06

It could be bad as in they ejaculate in about five seconds, but everything else is great. Not in this case of course, but others.

Show quote history

That's something they will already know and should disclose beforehand, so if they didn't, it would be a dealbreaker twice over, sexually incompatible and dishonest!

Messen · 21/09/2024 23:13

Yeah, the more you write, the more I think this a dead loss OP.

you sound like you have a typical sex drive and healthy attitude to sex. He has some sort of hang up in that he can’t discuss sex at all, had sex only ten times in a long marriage, and can’t seem to take on board that you have needs. He goes through the motions to do the things you say you like and then forgets all about that the next time.

Messen · 21/09/2024 23:20

And I think I kind of disagree that it’s about confidence. To a large degree the other person has to ‘get’ you instinctively, and you them. If it’s reliant on either of you over-explaining I think it’s dead in the water.

Cardiganoutsidein · 21/09/2024 23:28

I’d have walked at the mention of teaching cards… too old for that.

im always amazed at the sex lives people have ( not you OP- his marriage)

10 shags in 10 years?!

i Can see why you feel bad, but someone who doesn’t want to pleasure you is just selfish. Throw him back

Fedup369 · 21/09/2024 23:39

My sons dad would last 10 seconds on a good day, then sort of spasm on top of me. It was quite icky.

I had a boyfriend who after crushing on him at work for ages and finally getting together we had nothing in common, I didn't really fancy him in reality and he sweated so much during sex I was drenched after 🤢

Then I binned him and met a guy with a lot more to give but he was a bit too eager, he was really heavy handed, everything was very quick and rough. Sometimes I just wanted him to slow down and be gentle with me. His little guy also bent to the left which was uncomfortable

My now fiancee is perfect, we've been together almost 6 years and it's great, we know what each other want and there's never any issues at all

TenesseeWhiskey · 21/09/2024 23:40

Fuck that!!

Sorry OP but why exactly would you want to settle for that? Sex is amazing, find someone who tunes you to your liking!! Everyone else just bin.. Shit, life is complex enough as it it without having to include shit sex 😩😅

k1233 · 21/09/2024 23:50

I don't tolerate bad sex. You can normally tell right away if you're incompatible. There's no point continuing the relationship IMO as you'll end up resenting them being satisfied while you lie there wondering why you bothered to get undressed.

Notherefortheclout · 21/09/2024 23:54

Tell him to go downstairs lol

Crymeastream564 · 21/09/2024 23:59

asfar · 21/09/2024 22:45

A lot of sex is about a certain type of confidence IMO. My wife isn’t confident about sex at all, which means our sex life is pretty rubbish and infrequent, I’ve asked in various ways what she likes, what she wants and she doesn’t seem to know. Of course the wrong type of confidence can be really bad, I imagine many women have slept with men who are confident in all the wrong ways and that doesn’t translate to good sex.

Have you tried to work out why your wife is not confident though? Is she insecure about her body? Do you make her feel safe and good about herself? Are you encouraging or negative?

Loads of women start out lacking in sexual confidence in a relationship but get in to their stride after a while if they feel safe and loved and can trust their partner.

kkloo · 22/09/2024 00:00

NoHeavenNoMore · 21/09/2024 15:28

I think it's a bit mean to bring penis size into it. Plenty of people with small penises must satisfy their partners.

I guess it's a skill though to improve on and practice practice practice. If you don't want to practice with him, then let him move on to someone else!

I don't think it's mean because although some women might be satisfied by those same men, for others it ruins the sex.
He might not be able to change it but women are allowed to discuss this.

Women also often don't want a penis that's too big because it can be painful or restrictive in some ways, no one ever says that that's mean. They just let them talk about the experience.

Crymeastream564 · 22/09/2024 00:06

Messen · 21/09/2024 19:58

I think really bad, disappointing sex is almost always due to one or both partners being selfish and self interested, or impervious to others’ wants, needs and feelings. Good sex requires some reciprocity - and not just transactional. If that’s not there, the sex will always be awful and you should leave.

^^ this in a nutshell!

Thunderpants88 · 22/09/2024 04:36

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/09/2024 14:22

And that's fine to a certain extent. Sleeping with someone new and talking about what you both want from sex and what turns you on is one thing so he understands you, starting from scratch is another.

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Everyone who now drives started out clueless so I disagree with your statement

Hearmeout2023 · 22/09/2024 04:39

Does he add to the relartionshop in other ways? Are the rest all ticks and this is the only bad thing? If it is yes it CAN work

aCatCalledFawkes · 22/09/2024 05:27

Thunderpants88 · 22/09/2024 04:36

Everyone who now drives started out clueless so I disagree with your statement

Show quote history

But the point is it’s personal choice what people put up with, and what I said is my preference.

Fastback · 22/09/2024 07:16

OnceUponATimeInTheWest · 21/09/2024 15:56

If a man you really liked thought you were not doing anything for him in bed, would you not prefer that he told you why, rather than just dump you?

Show quote history

Of course I’d want to just be dumped rather than be told “you’re shit in bed,” That would annihilate any self esteem I had! 😂

Bad sex isn’t always just something one person does, it’s multifaceted. Lack of chemistry, awkwardness, selfishness, nerves…

aCatCalledFawkes · 22/09/2024 07:25

Fastback · 22/09/2024 07:16

Of course I’d want to just be dumped rather than be told “you’re shit in bed,” That would annihilate any self esteem I had! 😂

Bad sex isn’t always just something one person does, it’s multifaceted. Lack of chemistry, awkwardness, selfishness, nerves…

Show quote history

Yes I agree.
I do wonder how many people replying are in LTRs/married as there seems to be some expectation that men and women who have more recent experience with dating should just put up with bad sex or worst still act like some sort of teacher. Err no thank you I’m in my 40s and can choose who I have sex with and I’m grateful that there are no issues there with my boyfriend.