Awful Sex

[Mummyto4WM]

Hi all,
Can we discuss bad sex. We've been discussing this for weeks in our little friendship group... and still drawing blanks.

Can a relationship survive truly awful sex? He's clumsy. He's manhood is quite small. He has no idea what to do, despite doing Beducated courses. It's just awful.

How can this be overcome?

Well I don't think it would get that far as it would be pretty obvious but yes I think the finishing things would be better than feedbacking that they did nothing for you in bed especially if you hadn't even discussed sex like that before.

I once hit my thumb with a hammer and a
it swelled up to twice the size.
He could try that. (I was putting a picture up but he needn't do that bit.)

So the woman is completely dependent on the man for good sex because he's the one in control?

I don’t agree with most here. I think if this guy is your soul mate in every other way, you can get past this. But it probably means celibacy, because bad sex is (to me) worse than no sex. If you have intimacy in other ways it’s not too bad. I am speaking as a woman who faced this in her early forties. If I had been younger I would probably sadly have thrown him back in the pond. It would have been a mistake though.

My hubby's first wife told him he was useless in bed. He's had a lot of practice since (whilst single for 25 years) and I would say he's pretty phenomenal. He does like to please though, at everything.

OK, but only after you'd actually discussed it and maybe had a chance to tell each other where it might be going wrong, by the sounds of it.

I know the thought of 'teaching' a man is not exactly super sexy, but how are they supposed to get better at this stuff if someone isn't prepared to let them know where they are going wrong and give them the chance to improve? Porn? That's likely to make it worse. Other men !?!

It’s not your job to teach him, that’s gross from the offset. We all learn what our partners like during relationships but we shouldn’t need a Day One education session. People like to say size matters, but it is much more about what the owner of said organ does with it, plus foreplay and everything else. I once dated someone who kissed like a dishwasher, I am not joking. That was never going to work, lovely guy, married now I believe, but also it was revolting. In the same way I am sure that lots of people wouldn’t fancy my naked body, you have to find the person that fits with you and there are plenty out there.

honestly-if its that bad-theres no round two.

It's more likely he will have an inverted penis if he does that 😂😂

I think really bad, disappointing sex is almost always due to one or both partners being selfish and self interested, or impervious to others’ wants, needs and feelings. Good sex requires some reciprocity - and not just transactional. If that’s not there, the sex will always be awful and you should leave.

Communication is key. There are many who wouldn't care to learn, but many who would want to. I have a very open group of male friends who all say they've never had a good bj, and that when they suggest improvements, they just get dumped because the women have this 'I'm doing you a favour, if you don't like it, bye' attitude. I'd want to know! Imagine waking up one day and finding out everyone has been faking it with you so as not to hurt your feelings.

I'd prefer to have a man who asks what I like, or halfway through says "guide me, it matters to me that this is the best for you". Good sex is very personal anyway. One person's kink is another's 'hell no!' Jackhammering is great for some, or terrible for those who like the slow, romantic style.

I would sit him down and say you want sex, but you have a style/rhythm, so would you mind a more verbal sex where you guide him, because you like him and want it to work.

A lot of people will disagree with this, but I don't think there is such a thing as a man being bad at sex, with the following two exceptions:

• Complete selfishness, not being interested at all in the partner's pleasure and actively not caring about it (and I think very, very few men are actually like this)
• Not being familiar with how female anatomy works biologically

Other than that, it's communication and compatibility

There is some really helpful responses here! Thank you!

I won't respond individually but the general theme.

1. Communication - when we got together, he was very awkward about talking about sex. It's got better as I brought sex question cards and regularly raise it with him. I've been explicit in asking him to do things, I like, and he will do it once briefly, but he'll go back to doing his own thing.

1. His history - so he was married for 10 years, his only sexual partner, he said he has sex around 10 times, in the marriage when trying for a baby. Never had oral sex. Never watched porn.

1. I didnt mean to knock his penis side, I guess I was trying to find an excuse for it... some posts are correct, in some positions i can barely feel him, and if I'm really wet - he'll slip out constantly

1. We've worked through beducated courses together.... but he doesn't actually do, what he reads. His idea of being more exciting was tying my hands with his work tie, and doing the same thing.

1. Definitely elements of selfishness, he feels sex is great. He gets what he wants and is happy afterwards and I'm just like meh.

1. I do love the guy. We go out and have a great time. We have a giggle. We get on well day to day. I just dread bedtime

She already said "beducation" didn't work.

That's a new word that's I'm stealing 😂

Did I say that? No. But I do think the man has the upper hand, yes.

I don't think that's true at all, it's definitely both. But sometimes the chemistry just isn't there, it's not something either can fix.

@Mummyto4WM

"I've been explicit in asking him to do things, I like, and he will do it once briefly, but he'll go back to doing his own thing.

... but he doesn't actually do, what he reads. His idea of being more exciting was tying my hands with his work tie, and doing the same thing.

He gets what he wants and is happy afterwards and I'm just like meh."

Yeah, this all indicates that he's just selfish in bed

"he said he has sex around 10 times, in the marriage when trying for a baby. Never had oral sex. Never watched porn."

Now add in an (apparently) low sex drive.

I say throw him back. I don't think he's interested in either pleasing you or changing his, um, 'techniques'. It sounds to me as if you have a normal, healthy sex drive and need for satisfaction. I don't think he's going to change and I think you'd end up very resentful.

I've been explicit in asking him to do things, I like, and he will do it once briefly, but he'll go back to doing his own thing.

Have you stated this and asked him why?

I’ll admit I cringed when you explained a bit more about him. I don’t believe he’s never watched porn, that’s a straight up lie. Maybe he doesn’t get much out of it, but pretty much everyone has at least watched porn once or twice. He thinks it’s kinky to tie you up with his tie, but do the same boring stuff. And you love him but dread going to bed with him?? Can’t you just be friends?

How old are you, @UmberFinch ? I don’t think
my friends and DH do/have. I haven’t.

Not worth trading for a giggle.

Doesn't sound like you're at all sexually compatible, I'm afraid. And he sounds quite selfish.

Incidentally, many women don't get anything out of PIV - teaching someone how to use their mouth might be more productive. Apologies if that comes across as patronising - I'm sure you know what you like.

The sex sounds dreadful, to say the least. I’d rather read a book with a cup of tea. Not sure you can get over it if he isn’t listening to feedback! I hope it improves for you.

It could be bad as in they ejaculate in about five seconds, but everything else is great. Not in this case of course, but others.