Boyfriend was messaging men on Grindr and having meet ups.

[Ruby2222]

Hi, sorry this is a long post. I have seen some old posts about this kind of stuff but nothing recent so I thought it would be worth a post, as I have no one to talk to really. Bit of background I have no family and 1 main friend I trust with really personal stuff. And I’m so embarrassed to even have a conversation with my friend about this.

I’ve been in my relationship for 7 years, we met when we were really young (19 years of age). To try and cut a long story short, I’ve always had gay & lesbian friends, never been one to judge and always had open conversations about my friends and accepting people’s sexuality choices etc. However my boyfriend from day 1 has always made comments to these conversations that he could never be with a man and it’s “disgusting” etc etc, so as I would think as he claimed all his life I always thought he was straight.

Fast forward 3ish years into our relationship I caught him cheating with another girl (a girl that was very much a big part of my life) I stayed and looking back I know I should of left then, but it was hard for me as I have no family (other than his family) and feared being alone more than the fear of change. He begged me to stay and said he would change etc etc. Again this instant was with a girl, so I still thought he was straight. To my knowledge he’s never been with another girl since. (Not saying that he hasn’t).

Fast forward to the recent 18 months, my partners phone had broke so he was using mine to message his friends / family members when he wasn’t at work. My partner is a quite a big drinker, doesn’t really drink much but when he does it’s a lot (he also had a problem with drinking and taking coke for while, when he would drink). And I wake up to find Grindr on my phone after he’d been drinking and sniffing coke one night. I pulled him up on this instantly and he claimed himself and his friends downloaded it to be homophobic as a laugh. I told him I didn’t find this stuff funny & deleted the app.

However I just had this gut feeling and by god I was right. I re-downloaded the app and signed back in to find 18 months worth of messages of him meeting up with guys on there. Completely random hookups they’d message for maybe 5-10 mins then go and meet up and have gay sex. He had been getting these random guys to pull up on our road and he’d go and have gay sex with them in the car. Even when we’ve been at his moms for family events, he’d wait until I was asleep and go and meet these guys in cars even at his moms! Like wtf I feel completely lost right now on the fact I’ve been lied to and wasted 7 years of my life. Going back on the messages, he was only meeting these guys when he was drunk and had sniffed coke, I can’t find any from when he’s been sober.

I recently messaged a few guys on there and pretended to be my boyfriend, the horror I had when these guys where messaging back saying they want to see him again and that he was amazing etc etc. These men also new about me, and found it funny that they were having gay sex with a man who’s with a women. I don’t get what’s wrong with people? Man or women I don’t get how you find this funny or a turn on????

I pulled my partner up on all of this, even have countless amount of proof and he’s denying it. He won’t tell me anything, says he’s not gay or bisexual and these men are begs and will say anything to get people to meet them. (Even pretend to of met people before to get a hook up). But I’m not that stupid. I know he clearly won’t ever tell me the truth about any of this. And says when he’s “coked off it, it makes him wonder all different things sexually” but never met them. Even though I’ve seen all the proof he has met them. Then denies saying that to me. Any advice on this bit about taking coke and feeling certain sexual stuff? I’ve never took coke so I don’t know and need closure. Is he bisexual or does coke have this effect?

I have ordered an STD / STI test as if these people on the Grindr app and my boyfriend as well was so fast to hook up with random people then how many others have they slept with. It honestly makes me feel so disgusted and embarrassed that I’ve even had to order this when I’ve been with my partner for so long and never slept with anyone else inside our relationship.

I know this was a long story but I’m honestly after some advice, how do I go about getting my partner to tell me the truth about this so I know the full extent? Or do I just leave the conversation alone and never have any closure? I am leaving this relationship our private rented tenancy ends in 2 months so I’ve got to get to then, sell all of our things and move and start again. Again I’m embarrassed I’ve got to start over in my mid 20s and start right at the beginning as I won’t be able to afford the house we have now on my own.

Will I ever be able to trust anyone again after this? I feel like I’ve wasted my life. Our next step was to have children, and now it’s like I’m grieving becoming a mom, as I have to leave this relationship, I feel like I’m never going to have the chance to be a mom, what if I don’t ever meet anyone again or trust anyone? My whole mind is just messed up at the moment and I have so many different emotions.

Has anyone been in the same situation as me? Please any advice or similar stories are really needed right now.

First of all well done in making up your mind to leave him when the relationship is over. Don’t listen to any crying and pleading that he will change because he won’t and all that will happen is he’ll get better at hiding it. He is a deluded young man and it’s not your job to fix him.
Secondly, you are sooooo young. You have plenty of time to grieve your relationship being over and heal from that before you start dating again. You have plenty of time to become a mum.
Concentrate on your career for now so you will never be dependant on a man’s income and grow stronger. I wish someone had said that to me when I was younger .

I don't have a similar story but I do want to say I am very sorry this happened to you. I can feel how upset you are.

I can tell you with confidence that you will not get any satisfying answers from your ex. It simply will not happen. He will deny, lie and gaslight you.

You view it as a failure but it may well be worth looking at it another way. You have found out before having children with him.

Your mid 20s is a good time to work on yourself - do an emotional and intellectual spring cleaning. Have a think about what type of person you want to be, what type of person you want to be with, what type of mother you want to be, and what type of future you want. Then work towards that.

You have plenty of time time - use this GIFT.

This is exactly why I’ve chosen to leave the relationship, my biggest fear would be him getting better at hiding stuff and ending up catching something because he can’t keep it in his pants! Thank you so much for your kind words and a reply I appreciate it so much!!!

What do you mean never get any closure. You have it. You've seen the irrefutable proof for yourself. THAT is closure.

Hanging around, crying, begging for him to just admit what he's done won't give you anything more than you have right now. In fact, you'll feel much worse because you'll have lost your dignity and self respect.

Leave and don't look back, and drop all hope of ever getting answers or an explanation. You will save yourself a LOT of heartache. Have a think about getting some counselling too, you've had a massive shock.

Thank you so much for your reply and advice!!! It really helps when you say it’s a gift and not basically my life ending. I suppose that’s the best way to look at it and live and learn from this. Moving forward I definitely do not want another partner him, I really need time to myself to heal from this and learn to love myself again. This situation has completely ruined my self confidence, that’s my main priority now getting that back.

I never thought of it that way, thank you so much for putting it plainly to me. I thought getting him to admit what he’d done to me would be best option but I suppose it’s not. You are right I had the closure when I seen all the messages. And seen what type of person he truly is.

I’m struggling to see any good points, he’s a trash bag. Get an std test and turf him out/leave asap. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Agree with the above. WELL DONE for biting the bullet and finding out. That must have been gut-wrenching. Well done on ordering the STI tests, too, that's important for your far better and healthier future!

You're right, this is over, and PPs are right that your 20s are a brilliant time to begin shaping your life the way you want it - by yourself, for yourself.

As for further details: you've already had more than enough, from the guys he was with! What a shock. You're handling it so well. Do talk to your friend.

Something similar happened to me, except I was 46 with two children and a hefty mortgage. Your partner is gay (or bi as a minimum), but that isn’t important. What is important is that he’s been cheating on you - frequently, riskily, and without any thought, care, or loyalty to you. You are doing the right thing to leave him. 25 is no age. You have plenty of time to meet new people. You really don’t need any more evidence or to get him to confess. Don’t waste any more of your energy on him. Also, he will beg and plead. Don’t get back with him - he won’t turn into the monogamous straight guy you want.

Why were you with him in the first place when he's homophobic? It's not OK. His views were clearly masking his own sexuality but they're still unacceptable. Obviously dump him, hope the std test is clear. Be single for a while before you date someone else, think about what your values are and if they align.

So sorry you had to go through similar, it’s honestly so hard to find out the person you trusted is a complete nob!!! Thank you so much for your reply, and there is no way I will ever get back him again. This has well and truly shown me he has no love or respect for me at all. I am not chancing or risking catching anything because he can’t keep it in his pants!!!

He never seemed homophobic when I first got with him, he just shared his opinion that he couldn’t be with a man. (Clearly a cover up now) whenever he’s been around my gay friends he never said anything wrong to them. The only time he apparently was homophonic was when he was on Grindr but that was clearly a cover up so I wouldn’t suspect anything. I do not at all find it funny if someone is homophonic and I would be the first to say something. As for that I don’t want to share my partner with a man or a women, no matter what their sexuality or views are. But thank you for your reply. That is my main priority now staying single for as long as possible to focus on myself.

Saying it's disgusting is homophobic though, and you said he's been like that from day one so that's a clear disparity in your values to start with

Tbh I’m thankful for your opinion and reply, but my post wasn’t about if he’s homophobic or not. I was 19 when he said that, if I heard a man say that now after my situation I’m in now, I would be thinking why’s he so quick to say that is it a cover up? Like I said I’ve got gay friends when I’ve said my partner (at the start of our relationship) wouldn't sleep with a man, my gay friends replies have been they would find it disgusting to sleep with a girl. With no offence taken I’ve always had open convos with my gay friends, would I say what my partner said no, would other people say it, they do. People have their types and that’s fine. What’s not fine is what my post was truly about, is lying to your partner and hiding your sexuality or sexual interests and cheating. I was trying to get some advice, on is he gay is he bisexual or is it taking coke and drinking. But thank you for your replies. I do appreciate it! I don’t accept the things he said and done. I just wanted to clear my side of things.

Jesus, how awful! No wonder your heads all over the place. You need to leave him darling, he's gay and he's a liar.

That was my first thought, when I found out he’s got to be gay. But with what he was saying I also thought am I reading things wrong. With the replies on here I definitely don’t think my first thought was wrong. And I am leaving, there would be no way forward even if I did want to stay. I’d drive myself mad. I definitely have tapped out of this relationship every way possible emotionally and physically. Even the thought of him touching me now after all the lies and cheating honestly makes my skin crawl. Thank you for your reply.

He wasn't a good guy from the start and he's shown it now, I hope you're OK though

Regardless of whether he was sleeping with men or women, he cheated on you. He has probably unprotected sex with many others. He doesn’t give a toss about your health as this could clearly impact you and, if you had children, the health of your children. It tells you all you need to know about him!

different circumstances- but I had a seven year relationship that ended at 27. I meet a new guys a couple of years later and we have been together for almost 25 years. This has been a lucky space and you have your whole life ahead of you!

Lucky escape, not space!

Thank you so much for your reply!!! And that was my initial thought doesn’t matter if it’s men or women it’s disgusting to cheat and lie!!! And you’re so right it probably was all unprotected considering they’d message for literally 5-10 mins and then go and have sex. Honestly no self respect for himself either never mind having respect for me. All I can hope and pray now is that my STD check comes back clear. I had one done when I was in 18 before getting into a relationship with him and it was clear so I’ll know for fact it would have came from him if I have anything. All I can do now is look forward to rebuilding myself and a better life for myself.

This is awful and disgusting. I’m so pleased you found out what he’s really like before you wasted more years on him. You’re so young and I understand it’s going to take courage to start again as realistically romantically wise he’s pretty much all you’ve ever known. You sound so strong and you will get through this. And definitely yes to a period of being alone and discovering who you are and your dreams.

Thank you so much for your kind words and reply!!! I really appreciate it. And tbh he’s all I’ve ever really known romantically and sexually. Feel so lost right now but I know in the long run I’ll look back to this moment and be so glad I left him. As for discovering who I am that’s my main priority.

I have a male friend who is gay and he has told me the amount of men on Grindr who have girlfriends, wives is huge, the thing is it's a bit sad for both parties as he is battling with his sexuality however also leading you down a lie of stability and security, which is devastating as you saw your future with this man. I think you should say no matter how hurt you are you can support him if he is gay and won't judge but you just want to know why you was a cover up for all these years when he could of just been gay and let you be able to find your Mr right, don't not trust again it's going to be hard emotionally, physically as yes he could be putting you in danger of STDs as they are rife within gay community due to the drug use, gbh drug meth coke it's very sad this is why I dont trust ppl who take cocaine because it's the devil's drug.you need to allow yourself time to process all this and then make your decision with your self x

Thank you for your reply I appreciate it!!! I also have gay friends but they don’t use Grindr because they say it’s full of guys after hookups not actual relationships. After finding the messages from my partner to other men I kind of gathered that this was the situation that a lot of men in straight relationships used it. As for the drugs I completely agree with you. And an STD check is definitely happening with me. My age range is high for STDs never mind if you are sleeping with both women and men. But thank you again for your reply!

The best thing you can do is grieve him, be angry be sad allow yourself to feel to heal but also don't let it lower your confidence you are a beautiful woman and he probably chose you if your girly/feminine he needed a good cover up so his mates don't suspect his gay etc, think of it as he chose the most beautiful woman on the planet to cover up his deeds, it's horrible because your hurt after years of being with him, but you are strong enough to move on and trust again not all men are in denial x