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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend was messaging men on Grindr and having meet ups.

101 replies

Ruby2222 · 20/09/2024 04:15

Hi, sorry this is a long post. I have seen some old posts about this kind of stuff but nothing recent so I thought it would be worth a post, as I have no one to talk to really. Bit of background I have no family and 1 main friend I trust with really personal stuff. And I’m so embarrassed to even have a conversation with my friend about this.

I’ve been in my relationship for 7 years, we met when we were really young (19 years of age). To try and cut a long story short, I’ve always had gay & lesbian friends, never been one to judge and always had open conversations about my friends and accepting people’s sexuality choices etc. However my boyfriend from day 1 has always made comments to these conversations that he could never be with a man and it’s “disgusting” etc etc, so as I would think as he claimed all his life I always thought he was straight.

Fast forward 3ish years into our relationship I caught him cheating with another girl (a girl that was very much a big part of my life) I stayed and looking back I know I should of left then, but it was hard for me as I have no family (other than his family) and feared being alone more than the fear of change. He begged me to stay and said he would change etc etc. Again this instant was with a girl, so I still thought he was straight. To my knowledge he’s never been with another girl since. (Not saying that he hasn’t).

Fast forward to the recent 18 months, my partners phone had broke so he was using mine to message his friends / family members when he wasn’t at work. My partner is a quite a big drinker, doesn’t really drink much but when he does it’s a lot (he also had a problem with drinking and taking coke for while, when he would drink). And I wake up to find Grindr on my phone after he’d been drinking and sniffing coke one night. I pulled him up on this instantly and he claimed himself and his friends downloaded it to be homophobic as a laugh. I told him I didn’t find this stuff funny & deleted the app.

However I just had this gut feeling and by god I was right. I re-downloaded the app and signed back in to find 18 months worth of messages of him meeting up with guys on there. Completely random hookups they’d message for maybe 5-10 mins then go and meet up and have gay sex. He had been getting these random guys to pull up on our road and he’d go and have gay sex with them in the car. Even when we’ve been at his moms for family events, he’d wait until I was asleep and go and meet these guys in cars even at his moms! Like wtf I feel completely lost right now on the fact I’ve been lied to and wasted 7 years of my life. Going back on the messages, he was only meeting these guys when he was drunk and had sniffed coke, I can’t find any from when he’s been sober.

I recently messaged a few guys on there and pretended to be my boyfriend, the horror I had when these guys where messaging back saying they want to see him again and that he was amazing etc etc. These men also new about me, and found it funny that they were having gay sex with a man who’s with a women. I don’t get what’s wrong with people? Man or women I don’t get how you find this funny or a turn on????

I pulled my partner up on all of this, even have countless amount of proof and he’s denying it. He won’t tell me anything, says he’s not gay or bisexual and these men are begs and will say anything to get people to meet them. (Even pretend to of met people before to get a hook up). But I’m not that stupid. I know he clearly won’t ever tell me the truth about any of this. And says when he’s “coked off it, it makes him wonder all different things sexually” but never met them. Even though I’ve seen all the proof he has met them. Then denies saying that to me. Any advice on this bit about taking coke and feeling certain sexual stuff? I’ve never took coke so I don’t know and need closure. Is he bisexual or does coke have this effect?

I have ordered an STD / STI test as if these people on the Grindr app and my boyfriend as well was so fast to hook up with random people then how many others have they slept with. It honestly makes me feel so disgusted and embarrassed that I’ve even had to order this when I’ve been with my partner for so long and never slept with anyone else inside our relationship.

I know this was a long story but I’m honestly after some advice, how do I go about getting my partner to tell me the truth about this so I know the full extent? Or do I just leave the conversation alone and never have any closure? I am leaving this relationship our private rented tenancy ends in 2 months so I’ve got to get to then, sell all of our things and move and start again. Again I’m embarrassed I’ve got to start over in my mid 20s and start right at the beginning as I won’t be able to afford the house we have now on my own.

Will I ever be able to trust anyone again after this? I feel like I’ve wasted my life. Our next step was to have children, and now it’s like I’m grieving becoming a mom, as I have to leave this relationship, I feel like I’m never going to have the chance to be a mom, what if I don’t ever meet anyone again or trust anyone? My whole mind is just messed up at the moment and I have so many different emotions.

Has anyone been in the same situation as me? Please any advice or similar stories are really needed right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby2222 · 20/09/2024 07:09

bigethdicketh · 20/09/2024 07:05

The best thing you can do is grieve him, be angry be sad allow yourself to feel to heal but also don't let it lower your confidence you are a beautiful woman and he probably chose you if your girly/feminine he needed a good cover up so his mates don't suspect his gay etc, think of it as he chose the most beautiful woman on the planet to cover up his deeds, it's horrible because your hurt after years of being with him, but you are strong enough to move on and trust again not all men are in denial x

Thank you so much for your kind words I really appreciate it!!! And thank you for the advice too. I think that’s what it would have been as he would be seen as a “lads lad” the last person you would suspect. Even with always having gay friends I wouldn’t have guessed he was.

OP posts:
bigethdicketh · 20/09/2024 07:09

Yes my friend uses it after breakups for shagging basically but the amount of men/straight men on there is rife, it's not fair on the women they have at home 🏡 who think there partners are these perfect people yet they are putting there families at risk i hope you find some closure in what way you need it, i hope the home situation can be as pleasant as possible for the end of tenancy and relationship and wish you all the success with going forward and finally being able to love again xx men not all can be absolutely disgusting but there are a hand picked few who are lovely x

Original poster
Ruby2222 · 20/09/2024 07:10

bigethdicketh · 20/09/2024 07:09

Yes my friend uses it after breakups for shagging basically but the amount of men/straight men on there is rife, it's not fair on the women they have at home 🏡 who think there partners are these perfect people yet they are putting there families at risk i hope you find some closure in what way you need it, i hope the home situation can be as pleasant as possible for the end of tenancy and relationship and wish you all the success with going forward and finally being able to love again xx men not all can be absolutely disgusting but there are a hand picked few who are lovely x

So true!!!

OP posts:
MushMonster · 20/09/2024 07:13

He is:
A liar
A cheat
A disrespectful uncaring person who puts your health at serious risk
And gay or bisexual, who cares?

You have your closure. You found out. Just walk away and walk away fast.
You will be ok, OP.

Original poster
Ruby2222 · 20/09/2024 07:16

MushMonster · 20/09/2024 07:13

He is:
A liar
A cheat
A disrespectful uncaring person who puts your health at serious risk
And gay or bisexual, who cares?

You have your closure. You found out. Just walk away and walk away fast.
You will be ok, OP.

So true!!! And that is my plan walking away and never looking back to him. I’m so over the relationship.

OP posts:
yesmen · 20/09/2024 07:30

Shoxfordian · 20/09/2024 05:12

Saying it's disgusting is homophobic though, and you said he's been like that from day one so that's a clear disparity in your values to start with

I took the “disgusting” as referring to casual sex and meet ups for quickies in cars.

If she finds that grim or disgusting she is allowed to express that.

As the op has just discovered betrayal on an unimaginable scale - let’s leave off with the scolding for now.

Ukhotelsareshit · 20/09/2024 07:40

Oh god, I’m so sorry op. How horrific for you. But honestly, I think the only closure you need is that of the door after you eject this lying, sex addled fuckwit from your life.
It’s fortuitous timing with your tenancy and also fortuitous that you discovered his secret life before you had children with him. You can literally walk away and never ever have to deal with him again. In time, I know you will see that as a blessing (I did!)
In the meantime, be kind to yourself, you’ve had an enormous shock. I think some therapy might be beneficial, to help you come to terms with what has happened and to help you move forward with a healthy outlook on relationships. You are only mid twenties, you’ve got your entire life in front of you. Don’t let this one fuckwit colour it, he so isn’t worth it.

FS90 · 20/09/2024 07:41

You sound very sensible OP. I’m sorry this has happened to you

yesmen · 20/09/2024 07:43

bigethdicketh · 20/09/2024 06:51

I have a male friend who is gay and he has told me the amount of men on Grindr who have girlfriends, wives is huge, the thing is it's a bit sad for both parties as he is battling with his sexuality however also leading you down a lie of stability and security, which is devastating as you saw your future with this man. I think you should say no matter how hurt you are you can support him if he is gay and won't judge but you just want to know why you was a cover up for all these years when he could of just been gay and let you be able to find your Mr right, don't not trust again it's going to be hard emotionally, physically as yes he could be putting you in danger of STDs as they are rife within gay community due to the drug use, gbh drug meth coke it's very sad this is why I dont trust ppl who take cocaine because it's the devil's drug.you need to allow yourself time to process all this and then make your decision with your self x

But why does she have to tell him that?

I feel that a great untold story is one of women, both today and in times gone by, who have been lied to by gay men.

My aunt was one such person. After my uncle died she told me she was still a virgin at 85 after being married for over 60 years. He never slept with her; he always had a reason and even implied it was her fault somehow. For decades she had to take the speculation of people, asking if they would have a family, wondering if she was infertile and so on. She lived the loneliest of lives it turns out.

He stole her life in order to live his.

SunnieShine · 20/09/2024 07:48

yesmen · 20/09/2024 07:43

But why does she have to tell him that?

I feel that a great untold story is one of women, both today and in times gone by, who have been lied to by gay men.

My aunt was one such person. After my uncle died she told me she was still a virgin at 85 after being married for over 60 years. He never slept with her; he always had a reason and even implied it was her fault somehow. For decades she had to take the speculation of people, asking if they would have a family, wondering if she was infertile and so on. She lived the loneliest of lives it turns out.

He stole her life in order to live his.

Show quote history

That's so, so sad.

HazelPlayer · 20/09/2024 08:00

the thing is it's a bit sad for both parties

It's really NOT.

One party is an innocent victim being cheated on and duped.

One is not.

HazelPlayer · 20/09/2024 08:06

he is battling with his sexuality

Someone joining a gay hookup site and having regular hookups is not battling their sexuality lol.

They're indulging it while using a woman as a beard.

If you're bi or gay, come out and be bi or gay. Or at this very least dont pretend you're in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with someone while cheating on them.

You don't have the right to take someone's agency & choice in their life away from them like that.
You don't have the right to deceive them.
You don't have the right to risk their health because they think they're in an exclusive relationship.

None of this is battling your sexuality; it's doing what you fancy, while deceiving, using and abusing another person for your convenience.

Original poster
Ruby2222 · 20/09/2024 08:06

Ukhotelsareshit · 20/09/2024 07:40

Oh god, I’m so sorry op. How horrific for you. But honestly, I think the only closure you need is that of the door after you eject this lying, sex addled fuckwit from your life.
It’s fortuitous timing with your tenancy and also fortuitous that you discovered his secret life before you had children with him. You can literally walk away and never ever have to deal with him again. In time, I know you will see that as a blessing (I did!)
In the meantime, be kind to yourself, you’ve had an enormous shock. I think some therapy might be beneficial, to help you come to terms with what has happened and to help you move forward with a healthy outlook on relationships. You are only mid twenties, you’ve got your entire life in front of you. Don’t let this one fuckwit colour it, he so isn’t worth it.

❤️❤️

OP posts:
twilightcafe · 20/09/2024 08:06

You are stronger and wiser than you realise.
You also have way more time than you think to find a worthier partner and father to your children.

Original poster
Ruby2222 · 20/09/2024 08:08

So true!!! You’ve explained exactly how I am feeling. As much as I’ve tried to be open minded on the whole situation. What you have said is the exact truth. He’s risked my health and wellbeing for 5 minutes of fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby2222 · 20/09/2024 08:10

HazelPlayer · 20/09/2024 08:06

he is battling with his sexuality

Someone joining a gay hookup site and having regular hookups is not battling their sexuality lol.

They're indulging it while using a woman as a beard.

If you're bi or gay, come out and be bi or gay. Or at this very least dont pretend you're in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with someone while cheating on them.

You don't have the right to take someone's agency & choice in their life away from them like that.
You don't have the right to deceive them.
You don't have the right to risk their health because they think they're in an exclusive relationship.

None of this is battling your sexuality; it's doing what you fancy, while deceiving, using and abusing another person for your convenience.

Edited

So true!!! You’ve explained exactly how I am feeling. As much as I’ve tried to be open minded on the whole situation. What you have said is the exact truth. He’s risked my health and wellbeing for 5 minutes of fun.

OP posts:
HazelPlayer · 20/09/2024 08:14

Op, it's awful and painful but sadly you're not the first woman this has happened to and you'll be far from the last.

As a poster said up thread, it's relatively common.

And after reading a thread on here I once looked on a gay hookup site out of curiously and read two ads before I encountered a man saying "don't contact me between x times, only at times I specify, my wife doesn't know about this".

You have found out he's gay/bi, a cheater, and a beard- user before any serious commitments, especially children.

You have dodged a bullet.

You're still very young. You have excellent chances of meeting someone to have a family with when you've recovered.

Don't waste too much time recovering; people tend to settle into relationships more and more as you get through your 20s and onwards, and the dating pool gets increasingly smaller. Don't let him impact any more of your life.

Stade197 · 20/09/2024 08:15

I haven't been in your situation but well done for deciding to leave 👏🏻 the lying cheating and drug taking shows he doesn't respect you and if you're wanting a family further down the line this is not the sort of person you want to do that with

I just wanted to comment and say mid 20s is not too late to start again, I'm 34 & quite a few of my friends my age met their partners in their late 20s/early 30s and went on to get married & have children, in fact although I've been with my partner for 17 years we had our first child when I was 31 😊

Spend some time by yourself, know your worth more than him and in time you will find someone that will love and respect you

Original poster
Ruby2222 · 20/09/2024 08:17

HazelPlayer · 20/09/2024 08:14

Op, it's awful and painful but sadly you're not the first woman this has happened to and you'll be far from the last.

As a poster said up thread, it's relatively common.

And after reading a thread on here I once looked on a gay hookup site out of curiously and read two ads before I encountered a man saying "don't contact me between x times, only at times I specify, my wife doesn't know about this".

You have found out he's gay/bi, a cheater, and a beard- user before any serious commitments, especially children.

You have dodged a bullet.

You're still very young. You have excellent chances of meeting someone to have a family with when you've recovered.

Don't waste too much time recovering; people tend to settle into relationships more and more as you get through your 20s and onwards, and the dating pool gets increasingly smaller. Don't let him impact any more of your life.

Edited

So true! It’s honestly a shame for everyone who ends up in the same situations as myself! And thank you so much for the advice I will take it all on board!

OP posts:
Readmorebooks40 · 20/09/2024 08:17

Your life is just beginning. Be thankful you found out before having kids. I'm so sorry you're going through this but in a few months down the line you will start to feel relief. A year later and you'll look back and think what was I thinking being with him. I had my children.at 35 and 39. You have lots of time to be a mum. Stay strong.

StMarieforme · 20/09/2024 10:45

My make gay friend says that a huge percentage of men who use Grindr are living straight lives with female partners. Awful.
You may never know the truth, but your gut does. Leave and don't look back.

Dweetfidilove · 20/09/2024 10:53

Thankfully you'll be rid of the sexually incontinent ass before you've borne his children.

Closure is overrated. Leave him I'm the dust and go to therapy if that'll help you move on. He's a liar and I'm denial, so cannot help you at all.

DixonD · 20/09/2024 18:33

yesmen · 20/09/2024 07:43

But why does she have to tell him that?

I feel that a great untold story is one of women, both today and in times gone by, who have been lied to by gay men.

My aunt was one such person. After my uncle died she told me she was still a virgin at 85 after being married for over 60 years. He never slept with her; he always had a reason and even implied it was her fault somehow. For decades she had to take the speculation of people, asking if they would have a family, wondering if she was infertile and so on. She lived the loneliest of lives it turns out.

He stole her life in order to live his.

Show quote history

Oh my god what a selfish, horrible man. I hope she found some joy in life after he passed away.

Starbright885 · 20/09/2024 18:46

I haven’t been in this situation and it’s hard for you but thank god you found out now! No kids and nothing to do with him! lot of women aren’t so lucky and invest their whole lives and with children too. All the best

Hatty65 · 20/09/2024 18:56

You'll never get the full story. He'll never admit to all the things he did.

Just get out and block him. Never have any more contact and just move on. I know it's shitty, but you have to accept that he is (probably) gay and ashamed of it and that most of your relationship has been a lie. He's certainly a drug taker, a liar and a deeply unpleasant person. You've actually had a lucky escape.

You've wasted enough time in the past on him - don't waste any of your future ruminating about him or giving him any head space whatsoever.

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