Boyfriend was messaging men on Grindr and having meet ups.

[Ruby2222]

Hi, sorry this is a long post. I have seen some old posts about this kind of stuff but nothing recent so I thought it would be worth a post, as I have no one to talk to really. Bit of background I have no family and 1 main friend I trust with really personal stuff. And I’m so embarrassed to even have a conversation with my friend about this.

I’ve been in my relationship for 7 years, we met when we were really young (19 years of age). To try and cut a long story short, I’ve always had gay & lesbian friends, never been one to judge and always had open conversations about my friends and accepting people’s sexuality choices etc. However my boyfriend from day 1 has always made comments to these conversations that he could never be with a man and it’s “disgusting” etc etc, so as I would think as he claimed all his life I always thought he was straight.

Fast forward 3ish years into our relationship I caught him cheating with another girl (a girl that was very much a big part of my life) I stayed and looking back I know I should of left then, but it was hard for me as I have no family (other than his family) and feared being alone more than the fear of change. He begged me to stay and said he would change etc etc. Again this instant was with a girl, so I still thought he was straight. To my knowledge he’s never been with another girl since. (Not saying that he hasn’t).

Fast forward to the recent 18 months, my partners phone had broke so he was using mine to message his friends / family members when he wasn’t at work. My partner is a quite a big drinker, doesn’t really drink much but when he does it’s a lot (he also had a problem with drinking and taking coke for while, when he would drink). And I wake up to find Grindr on my phone after he’d been drinking and sniffing coke one night. I pulled him up on this instantly and he claimed himself and his friends downloaded it to be homophobic as a laugh. I told him I didn’t find this stuff funny & deleted the app.

However I just had this gut feeling and by god I was right. I re-downloaded the app and signed back in to find 18 months worth of messages of him meeting up with guys on there. Completely random hookups they’d message for maybe 5-10 mins then go and meet up and have gay sex. He had been getting these random guys to pull up on our road and he’d go and have gay sex with them in the car. Even when we’ve been at his moms for family events, he’d wait until I was asleep and go and meet these guys in cars even at his moms! Like wtf I feel completely lost right now on the fact I’ve been lied to and wasted 7 years of my life. Going back on the messages, he was only meeting these guys when he was drunk and had sniffed coke, I can’t find any from when he’s been sober.

I recently messaged a few guys on there and pretended to be my boyfriend, the horror I had when these guys where messaging back saying they want to see him again and that he was amazing etc etc. These men also new about me, and found it funny that they were having gay sex with a man who’s with a women. I don’t get what’s wrong with people? Man or women I don’t get how you find this funny or a turn on????

I pulled my partner up on all of this, even have countless amount of proof and he’s denying it. He won’t tell me anything, says he’s not gay or bisexual and these men are begs and will say anything to get people to meet them. (Even pretend to of met people before to get a hook up). But I’m not that stupid. I know he clearly won’t ever tell me the truth about any of this. And says when he’s “coked off it, it makes him wonder all different things sexually” but never met them. Even though I’ve seen all the proof he has met them. Then denies saying that to me. Any advice on this bit about taking coke and feeling certain sexual stuff? I’ve never took coke so I don’t know and need closure. Is he bisexual or does coke have this effect?

I have ordered an STD / STI test as if these people on the Grindr app and my boyfriend as well was so fast to hook up with random people then how many others have they slept with. It honestly makes me feel so disgusted and embarrassed that I’ve even had to order this when I’ve been with my partner for so long and never slept with anyone else inside our relationship.

I know this was a long story but I’m honestly after some advice, how do I go about getting my partner to tell me the truth about this so I know the full extent? Or do I just leave the conversation alone and never have any closure? I am leaving this relationship our private rented tenancy ends in 2 months so I’ve got to get to then, sell all of our things and move and start again. Again I’m embarrassed I’ve got to start over in my mid 20s and start right at the beginning as I won’t be able to afford the house we have now on my own.

Will I ever be able to trust anyone again after this? I feel like I’ve wasted my life. Our next step was to have children, and now it’s like I’m grieving becoming a mom, as I have to leave this relationship, I feel like I’m never going to have the chance to be a mom, what if I don’t ever meet anyone again or trust anyone? My whole mind is just messed up at the moment and I have so many different emotions.

Has anyone been in the same situation as me? Please any advice or similar stories are really needed right now.

Wouldn't say it's that common. Yes we hear about them, high profile cases like Schofield, Ricki Lake's husband, Trisha Goddard's husband, Carrie Fisher's husband, and every now and then on here, but it's a very very small percentage of marriages.

Good grief @yesmen that's horrific. Your poor aunt.

If you speak to gay men re. who they're hooking up with (if they do hookups), it is.

Likewise there's a thread on here on a regular basis with women finding their partner on Grindr or similar.

This situation has completely ruined my self confidence, that’s my main priority now getting that back.

You'd be amazed how much confidence you gain from walking away and building a new, successful life for yourself. Find joy in all the other things you love. Pack your life full of interesting experiences and you won't look back.

Book a full STD screening - bloods included.

I think waiting for him to admit it is futile and won’t help you. You have the proof in black and white so see that as your closure.

You will learn to trust again one day but it will take time.

Hope you're okay op.

I've been there, found out he was going to hook up outdoor meets while I was in labour, while on his way home from work nice and convenient eh. In kids play parks and stuff. Made me sick.

I am several years down the road, still single, have dated, but meh.

I am happier now than I have ever been. So glad I am out of that, and so much made sense after the fog cleared.

Get the hell out, as fast as you can.

My best friend discovered her husband was sleeping with men from hook up sites like Fab Guys. Quite a few of these men were married with kids. One was even a grandfather. She showed me filthy messages between them, joking about how they were hiding this from their families. It's much more common than people realize. My friend was devastated, as you can imagine.

Don’t give it a second thought and leave now. Perfect timing if your lease is at an end. Mid-20s is not too late if you want kids, by any means. You’ve got a good few years to move on from this relationship and meet someone new before you even need to start worrying about fertility.
Walk out with your head held high.

Few years back I discovered I was "the-other-woman". The situation is almost exactly this, I knew he was Bi, we were both seeing other people... then I got a "hey girlie" message and link to his long term partners social media. They'd been together years and she had no idea... wait this guy isn't a musician is he? nervous laugh

really, that's your biggest fear, not that he's going to spend all your money on drugs, continually cheat on you with men and women, all the while being massively homophobic, stringing you along and treating you like a piece of shit?

really, that's your biggest fear, not that he's going to spend all your money on drugs, continually cheat on you with men and women, all the while being massively homophobic, stringing you along and treating you like a piece of shit?

You're only in your mid-twenties. Be glad you found out about this now rather than in another 10 years.

I know you must be hurting right now, but one day you'll look back on this breakup and be grateful for all the lessons learned. Godspeed.

My daughter could have written this. She was at home having been through gruelling treatment to enable them to have a family. BF didn't realise she was not asleep and was trying to meet up with male prostitutes. His particular taste was for trans. He was supposedly homophobic. He came out with the line of it being a joke.He said he had picked the names at random. Odd they were all trans. He denied it all. Even when she produced years of proof. Had it not been for the fact he was far less technically competant than her he would still be lying. She phoned one of his contacts who surprisingly was very helpful and provided dates and times! Still denying anything had happened. Claimed that he never actually showed up for the myriad appointments he'd made. He drank heavily and took coke. Seven years wasted. When she left she had to call the police to get her things.

Run to the hills!

Please don't feel like you won't meet anyone else either. I left a relationship at 27, met my fiance at 29 and I'm 33 now we bought a house a year ago and I have a 9 month old. It's never too late. If you stay and have a child it will be 18 years tied to someone who u will always wonder where he is and wish u left when you could. You can do this I promise

So much life in front of you OP! Mourn it and move on to the life you deserve x

I’ve used a throw away name for this because it’s so embarrassing, but I’ve been/ still am in your situation except I haven’t left and I’m now nearly 40. Why you might ask, and I ask myself the same thing, I guess because I’m stupid and too weak to make the leap and because every time I’ve found something, he always manages to talk his way out of it and pretend there’s an explanation.

I just want to say, he will cry, he will beg, he will tell you he’ll get counselling and change but he won’t.

He didn’t care about you when he was doing it and he won’t care about you next time either.

Please don’t be me and waste any more of your life on him. You’re so young and you will move on.

Even though I try to put it out of my mind, I can never unknow what I know. It’s always there at the back of my mind and all sorts of things remind me. I can never trust him, I can hardly bare for him to touch me, I can’t watch tv programmes that contain gay scenes in case it encourages him to do it again, I can’t talk to anyone about it. And yet still I don’t leave…

So yeah, all I can say from one woman to another, is please don’t be like me.

Hello
I'm so sorry to read your post and I can understand how devastated you must be feeling.
I havnt been in the exact same situation but I just wanted to let you know you are definitely not too old to "start again" so don't panic or worry.
I was with my ex (who treated me horribly) through all of my 20s. I should have left him way before I did but for whatever reason, fear of being alone, believing in being loyal and faithful etc I stayed. When it became too much I left him at 31. It was so scary! I thought my life was ruined. I thought I'd never have children I felt angry I wasted all my prime years on a loser who never really loved me.
If your partner (soon to be ex) can treat you like that then I'm sorry, I know it hurts but you deserve better!!! Don't feel like your alone, your not. You are stronger than you think and things always have a way of working themselfs out.
BTW, I have a daughter now and leaving my ex was the best choice I ever made. I now look back and laugh at how stupid I was for putting up with such crap and not leaving earlier.
Chin up, go out and enjoy yourself, get your sparkle back and enjoy your freedom, who knows what will happen or who you'll meet ❤ xx

It doesn't matter of he's straight, bi or gay.

He is a cheat.
Takes coke regularly.
Is a heavy drunker.

That might have been good enough for 19 year old you but it sure as hell isn't now.

An asshole stupid enough to let you know they are an asshole is a gift. You know and you can left. The clever more manipulative ones are a bigger danger.

When you meet someone better, you'll know the difference.

This 100%

Wow. The op has had her life turned upside down and some of you can't wait to make snarky comments.
Lovely bunch you all are 🙄

Sorry, I don't know if this was aimed at me or in general? I was just giving a brief history of my own situation that I was in her place at age 31 and trying to comfort her tbh... I went through an awful lot of pain and sadness and to say it is possible to come out the other side stronger and happier.

So many red flags here, but as a start seriously why stay with a coke user? They will never make good partner material.

You don't need him to admit it - you've seen the proof on the phone. You know he is a lying cheat.
You are young, have a life in front of you to meet a good man and have a family if that's what you want.
Concentrate on yourself and your career whatever you chose to do. Best wishes for your future.

Girl you are so young and you have so much time to restart your life, find the right person and have babies. I found the love of my life at 29 after the worst relationship of my life, now it's been 9 years, married, have a son and love our lift together.

You are smart to get a STD/STI test.

Pack your stuff and get out of there. Doesn't listen to his crap. Don't expect closure. Just get what you need and walk. You'll find what you need. And also don't look at it like you wasted your time..look at it as a learning experience. You know now what you will and will not put up with.