Boyfriend was messaging men on Grindr and having meet ups.

[Ruby2222]

Hi, sorry this is a long post. I have seen some old posts about this kind of stuff but nothing recent so I thought it would be worth a post, as I have no one to talk to really. Bit of background I have no family and 1 main friend I trust with really personal stuff. And I’m so embarrassed to even have a conversation with my friend about this.

I’ve been in my relationship for 7 years, we met when we were really young (19 years of age). To try and cut a long story short, I’ve always had gay & lesbian friends, never been one to judge and always had open conversations about my friends and accepting people’s sexuality choices etc. However my boyfriend from day 1 has always made comments to these conversations that he could never be with a man and it’s “disgusting” etc etc, so as I would think as he claimed all his life I always thought he was straight.

Fast forward 3ish years into our relationship I caught him cheating with another girl (a girl that was very much a big part of my life) I stayed and looking back I know I should of left then, but it was hard for me as I have no family (other than his family) and feared being alone more than the fear of change. He begged me to stay and said he would change etc etc. Again this instant was with a girl, so I still thought he was straight. To my knowledge he’s never been with another girl since. (Not saying that he hasn’t).

Fast forward to the recent 18 months, my partners phone had broke so he was using mine to message his friends / family members when he wasn’t at work. My partner is a quite a big drinker, doesn’t really drink much but when he does it’s a lot (he also had a problem with drinking and taking coke for while, when he would drink). And I wake up to find Grindr on my phone after he’d been drinking and sniffing coke one night. I pulled him up on this instantly and he claimed himself and his friends downloaded it to be homophobic as a laugh. I told him I didn’t find this stuff funny & deleted the app.

However I just had this gut feeling and by god I was right. I re-downloaded the app and signed back in to find 18 months worth of messages of him meeting up with guys on there. Completely random hookups they’d message for maybe 5-10 mins then go and meet up and have gay sex. He had been getting these random guys to pull up on our road and he’d go and have gay sex with them in the car. Even when we’ve been at his moms for family events, he’d wait until I was asleep and go and meet these guys in cars even at his moms! Like wtf I feel completely lost right now on the fact I’ve been lied to and wasted 7 years of my life. Going back on the messages, he was only meeting these guys when he was drunk and had sniffed coke, I can’t find any from when he’s been sober.

I recently messaged a few guys on there and pretended to be my boyfriend, the horror I had when these guys where messaging back saying they want to see him again and that he was amazing etc etc. These men also new about me, and found it funny that they were having gay sex with a man who’s with a women. I don’t get what’s wrong with people? Man or women I don’t get how you find this funny or a turn on????

I pulled my partner up on all of this, even have countless amount of proof and he’s denying it. He won’t tell me anything, says he’s not gay or bisexual and these men are begs and will say anything to get people to meet them. (Even pretend to of met people before to get a hook up). But I’m not that stupid. I know he clearly won’t ever tell me the truth about any of this. And says when he’s “coked off it, it makes him wonder all different things sexually” but never met them. Even though I’ve seen all the proof he has met them. Then denies saying that to me. Any advice on this bit about taking coke and feeling certain sexual stuff? I’ve never took coke so I don’t know and need closure. Is he bisexual or does coke have this effect?

I have ordered an STD / STI test as if these people on the Grindr app and my boyfriend as well was so fast to hook up with random people then how many others have they slept with. It honestly makes me feel so disgusted and embarrassed that I’ve even had to order this when I’ve been with my partner for so long and never slept with anyone else inside our relationship.

I know this was a long story but I’m honestly after some advice, how do I go about getting my partner to tell me the truth about this so I know the full extent? Or do I just leave the conversation alone and never have any closure? I am leaving this relationship our private rented tenancy ends in 2 months so I’ve got to get to then, sell all of our things and move and start again. Again I’m embarrassed I’ve got to start over in my mid 20s and start right at the beginning as I won’t be able to afford the house we have now on my own.

Will I ever be able to trust anyone again after this? I feel like I’ve wasted my life. Our next step was to have children, and now it’s like I’m grieving becoming a mom, as I have to leave this relationship, I feel like I’m never going to have the chance to be a mom, what if I don’t ever meet anyone again or trust anyone? My whole mind is just messed up at the moment and I have so many different emotions.

Has anyone been in the same situation as me? Please any advice or similar stories are really needed right now.

My comment wasn't aimed at you x

Bloody hell, good riddance - this man is riddled with issues.

I don't know, I could be wrong here, but I don't think coke would make him do something completely out of character as other drugs might do. If anything, I thinks if makes people bolder and more self confident. It would seem to me that he has deep issues with suppressing his sexuality and taking coke gives him the confidence to explore this side of him.

Sorry, I forgot to add.
He is never going to give you the closure you want. You have found all the evidence about what he's been doing AND he has cheated on you in the past.
I'm sure part of him does love you and he would love for you to shut up and put up, carry on like everything's fine but not enough to be honest with you, loyal, faithful etc. Can you really be with someone after knowing he's done all this???
I know its so so hard to accept this is your new reality but staying and denying the truth is only going to keep you unhappy. Don't do what I did and stick around another 6 or 7 years when I should have left.
I'm sorry but they don't change 😔

Better to find out now than 20 years down the line with kids and marriage.. leave him ASAP n never look back. Could have given you aids!

Have you decided what to tell his DM when she asks why you broke up? He may well turn nasty and dangerous if he has internalised homophobia and realises the truth will be revealed. Given what he has done to you and he is still not being truthful then he should have no expectation of you continuing to hide his behaviour when he is still deceiving you, he has betrayed you and probably risked your health.

Good luck.

From what I've seen, coke like alcohol won't cause a complete personality transplant that miraculously always leads to the same behaviour of casual gay sex with simultaneous miraculous total amnesia and absence of any physical consequences/symptoms/'soreness'. Odd that across all of his 'coked behaviour', there were never any risky heterosexual hook ups and any other dodgy-ness (car racing, bank robbery or .... His behaviour and hope that you'll believe this are both offensive.

Oh wow. I really feel for you.
he will never admit it. It’s probably best just to accept that.
Don’t you for one second think mid 20s is old to start over. I got with my DP at 29, at 30 got a flat (on my own) but also at 30 got pregnant, DP moved in, at 34 am pregnant with our second.
You can do better than someone who cheats on you (with men or women who really actually cares, cheating is cheating), you wil meet someone who deserves you xx

It seems to be the thing to say “:cheating on you with a man or woman who cares, cheating is cheating”.I think it’s in a different league altogether when something as fundamental as attraction and sexuality has been concealed , not to mention the much higher prevalence of STIs amongst gay men. It’s a double betrayal, lies about desire, wondering if you were ever really desired or just used as a cover, and then cheated on into the bargain. I’ve been cheated on ( with an OW) but that’s another level.

Dear OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this, but know that you are not alone. The same thing happened to my MIL - her husband of 20+ years was clearly closeted, but rather than disclose it to her and break things off amicably, he downloaded the apps and met 100s (and I mean 100s) of men. He only decided to disclose it to her because he had an HIV scare…
Your life is not over, but leave and hold your head up high. You have nothing to be ashamed of - it is his behaviour, not yours that has caused this situation.

STI test and just leave the dirty cheating bastard. You've got all the closure you need

I’m not sure what more you want to know from him, or why. He’s a cheating, lying bastard so you need to end your relationship and move on with your life free of the constant betrayal. Also get STI test as he’s been putting your health at risk.

You're only in your 20s.... you have plenty of time to become a mum.
I didn't meet my partner until I was 30.
It is better to leave the relationship, work on yourself and get some therapy to help you through this. Find someone who will be the partner you deserve.

First, well done on coming to your own conclusion that the relationship is over and taking the two months left on your tenancy to plan your next stage. I echo other posters' comments that you will never get a true answer from him - it will a reiteration of the stuff you've already heard. He's hardly a prince among men in the first place so well rid - you're so young with a road full of opportunities ahead of you!

Hi OP just read your post and heartbroken for you. 💐

I have two daughters one around your age and I would be so angry and sad if this happened to them.

Firstly you need to make sure you haven't caught anything from your BF idiotic behaviour. Get the tests done and repeat them after six months as HIV can sometimes not be detected.
Secondly cut that man out of your life have nothing to do with him ever again. He has put you in danger by acting reckless having sex with random people while under the influence. This says to me he is a selfish man who doesn't care about you. You don't need closure from him because he won't give it to you not right now anyway. He is in denial he won't take the opportunity to be honest because in his mind he's not gay. In my opinion it doesn't matter whether he is gay or straight he lied and put your health in danger. He's not to be trusted and the drugs will add to he's reckless choices.
You have so much to unpack and you will in time please trust me you will be ok. You are so young you have a life time ahead of you. I wish you had more support around you I feel you are more vulnerable because you don't have the network.
You are worthy of a loving relationship with trust and respect, you won't get this with your current partner.
I honestly wish you all the happiness xxx

This man is not just a liar and a cheater, but he has a drinking and drug problem.
how do you think he will be as a father?
you and your future kids deserve better.
once you have kids he will be in your life forever and create permanent damage to the kids.
you are lucky you found out now.
you have till 40 to have kids (even later but let’s assume 40) , this is 15 years to find a partner and get to know them!
pls leave asap and start new!

I don’t have much advice here other than you’re doing the right thing by leaving, I would just leave and not waste anymore time with this man, I can’t begin to imagine how hurt you are feeling. I have a gay best friend and the amount of men he was messaging/meeting and later finding out that they were married to women is off the scale crazy, so you are most certainly not on your own here, you’ve done nothing wrong to be embarrassed.

I did just want to say that I started all over again in my late 20’s and I had the same fears as you, I’m now in my mid 30s pregnant and wedding planning after 6 years of taking it slowly. Please walk away and don’t look back (easier said than done I know)x

You don’t need “closure”, love. He’s out there shagging blokes, blowing them, and sniffing gear while you’re asleep in bed. He’s been at it for ages, and it’s clear he’s bloody enjoying it. You’ve got to start valuing yourself, for Christ’s sake! Get some proof—voice notes, screenshots—then blast him publicly so he can’t pull this shite on another woman. The man has ZERO respect for you. You’re worth more than this!!!

Thank goodness you found out now OP, and not at a later date when you might have ben married with children.You sound strong and resolute and have done absolutely the right thing in leaving him.
You already have your closure, you know what he is and you've seen the evidence. There's no need to get him to 'confess' as he would no doubt lie and twist things even more than he has already.
You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you to move on and build a great future. Wishing you all the best.

@Ruby2222 However my boyfriend from day 1 has always made comments to these conversations that he could never be with a man and it’s “disgusting” etc etc, so as I would think as he claimed all his life I always thought he was straight.

Intense homophobia is one of the tell-tale signs of a closeted gay man. Some gay men pretend to be extremely homophobic if they feel ashamed of what they are and want to bury their true feelings as deeply as possible.

Almost all straight men are completely indifferent towards gay people.

I know this was a long story but I’m honestly after some advice, how do I go about getting my partner to tell me the truth about this so I know the full extent? Or do I just leave the conversation alone and never have any closure?

More conversation with boyfriend won't tell you anything that you don't already know.

Please leave and do not look back, you don't need closure from him, you have enough proof. You're only mid 20s, plenty of time to start over but also mature enough to realise this is not where your future is.

Put your mental and physical health first. Good that you are getting yourself checked out. If you're above 25 then make sure you go for your Pap Smear because your partner has been with many others co can also pass on HPV

My previous relationship ended in my mid 20’s (was also a 7 year relationship), i personally believe similar things were happening but never had proof or an admission. It’s hard starting over but better to do it now than in a few more years time. I’m now 33 and have an 18 month old child, you still have time to become a mother. You need to do this for yourself, whether you get the closure or not.

Currently in this situation. Partner uses alcohol and “coke” and when doing this he downloads Grindr, then when sober deletes the app and pretends it never happened and made me feel like it was a lie and never happened etc. I feel for you, it feels like all them years are wasted with someone and you question did they really ever care about you, but at the same time they are all you’ve ever known and it’s scary to go from being with someone everyday to being on your own, but I promise it’s the best thing to do. You”ll get back to yourself again and feel happier, and you start questioning “why didn’t I leave sooner?” Which is the position I’m in now. Keep your head up, you deserve a lot better than that. They really aren’t worth the tears and upset.

Im feel for this OP kinda going through this myself,partner meeting random men on sites for Hook ups,doing god knows what with don't know how many men then coming home as if nothing has happened ,they think we are stupid,got all screenshots of messages etc but don't know how or if I will have the courage to confront him,it's heartbreaking when they don't come near you but say how Horny they are and can't wait to jump out with these men,gets harder to try and be normal knowing what I know ,these men make me sick.

Firstly it’s good that you’ve formulated a plan and have decided to leave him after your tenancy is up so well done on that..you don’t need to get any truth out of him as you’ve seen all the proof with your own eyes so he can’t possibly worm his way out of it. He is disgusting for what he has done to you and i pray that eventually you meet someone who will love and respect you and will treat you how you should be treated. i wouldn’t give him anymore of your time as he’s already wasted years of it. i really really hope you don’t give him another chance after this.

but don't know how or if I will have the courage to confront him

You don't need to confront him.

Just get your shit together and leave.

He'll know why.

No matter what he says, he knows why. He'll just try to lie and gas light because he won't want to lose his beard, and he won't want you outing him to family and friends.

Don't ever touch him, not with a barge pole, again.

Get std testing.

And leave

This is not court. This is life. No-one needs confronted, no-one needs to confess, no-one needs to justify anything, no-one needs to prove anything. You do shag you want, what is best for you.

Just get away from him as fast as you can and recover and get on with your life.