Petty argument - turned physical and now scared.

[Emmajohnson28]

Hi,

Posting here as if I speak to friends/family they may worry or I might be overreacting and it is quite petty to explain.

So getting married in December, usually get on great and have 2 toddlers.

The past 2 weeks partner has got into the habit of telling me to “shut up” or “shut my mouth”. Sometimes i will just be talking or asking general questions. I hate it and he knows. He’s ended up getting into the habit of saying it but sometimes can be aggressive as he shouts.

He hates it when in the past I’ve called him “mental or moody”. I never call him that anymore as I know he hates it.

I’ve now asked multiple times for him to stop telling me to shut up or shut my mouth. He hasn’t stopped. So I said every time you say that I’ll call you mental or moody. This was just to try and make him stop saying it.

Last night he told me to shut my mouth, so I called him mental and he grabbed my wrist and held it so I couldn’t pull away. I was flinching saying no don’t and he punched me in the top of my arm giving me a dead arm. He did it very aggressively and his intention was definitely to hurt me. He’s also 6ft 2lbs and probably 10 stone heavier than me. It really did hurt and I told him that but he didn’t take me seriously.

I was upset and said he’d gone too far, he said ‘don’t speak to me’ and ignored me for a good few hours. Then right before bedtime said “are we friends?” And tried to make things fine. I ignored him and went to sleep.. although I didn’t sleep at all. I was petrified and overthinking. We’ve both been at work today so not seen him but he’s text me carrying on as normal.

Am I overthinking? Any advice on what to do?

I don’t know what to do but I feel scared for him coming home. Nothing like this has happened before.

Thank you so much in advance.

He’s horribly abusive, sweetie. It will only get worse. I don’t have any practical advice but you are not overthinking this.

How difficult will it be to leave him? I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Please don't marry this man.

The verbal abuse is bad on its own, but physical abuse too.

Serious red flags are flapping!

So so sorry to hear this, do not accept this behaviour from anyone. You need to throw him out now, let him feel like you will forgive him and soon he will be beating you whenever he feels like it and possibly worse. Don't let your children grow up in an environment like that. Even his words to you are deplorable and warrants you ejecting him from your life immediately. Don't become his punch bag. Call off the wedding and get him out your life. Sending massive hugs. It isn't easy to take the next steps but you absolutely must. To protect yourself and your children.

I’d report him to the police. And leave him. Fucking abusive bastard.

You need to call the police my love, it will only get worse from now on and you have children you need to protect from a violent, aggressive man as well.

Please do the right thing, and whatever you do, don't marry your abuser.

You need to leave. Contact your local domestic abuse organisation and get advice on how to leave safely. He's trying to bully you into being quiet and not challenging him and his behaviour will escalate.

So getting married in December

After reading the rest of the post, why?

Of course you’re not overreacting. Telling you to ‘shut your mouth’ is unacceptable. Grabbing your wrist and punching you is violent criminal behaviour.

Have you family or friends you can go and stay with?

You cancel the wedding, for a start. Do not chain yourself to a violent man. Abuse often starts as soon as the man thinks you can't leave ie when the marriage certificate is signed or the babies are born.

Call Woman's Aid and ask for advice. Report the assault to the police.

You need to think quickly how you can get yourself plus 2 DCs to safety. Where can you go? Parents? Siblings? Or do you co-owner the house, in which case you want him to leave.

Your relationship is over, he thinks he can physically beat you into submission

Leave

It doesn’t matter how much he hurt you. He wanted to hurt you. I don’t think you should minimise this at all, especially as he’s started being mean verbally too.

I would ask him to move out to reflect on how he’s treating you. You can use this time to weigh up your options and decide if he gets to come back.

Are you aware it takes an average of 80 physical altercations before a woman leaves a domestically violent partner

80

Leave

Oh no no, you are worth so much more than living this for the rest of your life.
You must leave, be honest with yourself, you know it will get worse.

I don’t even know how to approach him. He seems to be acting normal and think things are fine. Sister is going through a bad pregnancy so I don’t want to shade her any stress and my parents are on holiday. I just don’t know what to do.

his sister in law is really reasonable so I might call her for help.

thank you so much all. You have no idea how much I appreciate this xx

That was just for starters.
And he wasn't even sorry.
Sounds like you will stay with him, so expect a few beatings in the future.
Good luck.

Sounds like he is using the opportunity of you being a little more isolated from your key family and support network to try and control you. Don't let him. The advice about the police is good advice. Womens Aid can also help you navigate this. You are not alone. You have support, and you are stronger than you think. You can do this and save yourself from becoming the victim x

Course he’s acting normal and that everything’s fine. They all do.

But let that first hit to the arm be the last. I know it’s easy for me to type but take it from someone who’s been there and walk away now. You’ll be saving yourself years of misery. It won’t get better, he won’t change.

Please please please do not marry him.
Plenty more I want to say but you really need to decide this.

IT'S NOT NORMAL, IT'S ABUSE
Yes he can help it.
No you shouldn't accept it - ANY of it.

Tell everyone. Don’t let him hide in plain sight.

'Are we friends?' Dear sweet baby Jesus. Does he think it's ok to go about punching his friends? I'll fucking bet he wouldn't dare.

You must not stay with this violent, abusive bastard. And don't cover up for him - tell all your friends and family what he did. You need their support and protection. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking 'it wasn't that bad'. It really was that bad and it will get worse, no matter what he says. Please, please do not marry this man.

This is linked at the top of the board, but worth a read xx
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

He’s showed you who he is…..believe him.

things will only go downhill from here and escalate.

if you stay you have shown him that this behaviour is acceptable and he has gotten away with it and it will just continue.

He HIT you, actually HIT YOU.
I am sure its very shocking but unfortunately every woman who is assaulted by her partner is rarely hit just the once. This will be the first time
You cannot marry a man who you are scared of like that

Call off the wedding and leave him.

He'll get worse.

NO, you are, if anything, under reacting. this is totally unacceptable. he's not even doign the fake, "I'm so sorry, I'm such a terrible person, I can't believe i hurt you" dance. He's just sitting quietly and waiting for you to get over it knowing that if you do, he's now one step closer to a situation where you never ever question him. The telling you to shut up, shut your mouth was the first step in ensuring you dont' question. it hasn't worked, so he's escalating. He'll continue to escalate.

You need to get out. Is it at all possible to tell him not to come home or are you too scard? If you can, do. If you can't, that, in itself, is yet another massive red flag.