Petty argument - turned physical and now scared.

[Emmajohnson28]

Hi,

Posting here as if I speak to friends/family they may worry or I might be overreacting and it is quite petty to explain.

So getting married in December, usually get on great and have 2 toddlers.

The past 2 weeks partner has got into the habit of telling me to “shut up” or “shut my mouth”. Sometimes i will just be talking or asking general questions. I hate it and he knows. He’s ended up getting into the habit of saying it but sometimes can be aggressive as he shouts.

He hates it when in the past I’ve called him “mental or moody”. I never call him that anymore as I know he hates it.

I’ve now asked multiple times for him to stop telling me to shut up or shut my mouth. He hasn’t stopped. So I said every time you say that I’ll call you mental or moody. This was just to try and make him stop saying it.

Last night he told me to shut my mouth, so I called him mental and he grabbed my wrist and held it so I couldn’t pull away. I was flinching saying no don’t and he punched me in the top of my arm giving me a dead arm. He did it very aggressively and his intention was definitely to hurt me. He’s also 6ft 2lbs and probably 10 stone heavier than me. It really did hurt and I told him that but he didn’t take me seriously.

I was upset and said he’d gone too far, he said ‘don’t speak to me’ and ignored me for a good few hours. Then right before bedtime said “are we friends?” And tried to make things fine. I ignored him and went to sleep.. although I didn’t sleep at all. I was petrified and overthinking. We’ve both been at work today so not seen him but he’s text me carrying on as normal.

Am I overthinking? Any advice on what to do?

I don’t know what to do but I feel scared for him coming home. Nothing like this has happened before.

Thank you so much in advance.

Can you stay at your parents house for a few days?
The future you thought you had is gone. You have two options right now and leaving looks a heck of a lot better than staying. Good luck

You don't need to work out how to approach him. You get support when it's safe for you to do so, you can contact Women's Aid, they have an online chat service if you're not able to call. They will advise you the safest way to get out and what steps you take next.

This is happening, it's real, there is no excuse. Do not marry a man who tells you to shut your mouth, who grabs you and hits you, who scares you in your bed at night.

You don't need to marry him. You need to get you and your children out of the situation that you find yourself in, that's now your priority. Not him, not why he did it, or how you make amends. There are no amends to be made, you need to ruthlessly put you and your children first, he will never and this is just the start. It goes downhill from here my love, nothing good will come of hanging around to find out.

Time leave. The verbal abuse was bad enough but now he has got physical. Leave him you aren't married thank god so break it off now. Get support from women's aid.

Oh love. This is abuse, physical, verbal and emotional. You need to contact your local Domestic Violence outreach and seek support from them. Get help, tell people close to you what is going on and under no circumstance are you to go ahead and marry this man. Things will not get better, they will get worse and take that from someone who has been there. If you have somewhere safe to go, please do so immediately and report him to the police.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. He was being verbally abusive and has now escalated to physically abusive. He will escalate further, they always do I'm afriad.

That's the first time yes hit you. If you stay there will be more. It will escalate. He had no remorse but I'd consider it crocodile tears even if he had. So, a punch in the arm last night. What's next? A split lip? Broken nose? You need to leave. 1.2 women a week are murdered in this country by violent hateful bastard partners. Run while you can. Women's aid are bloody fantastic. Get the hell away from that monster.

Get out whilst you can. Dont marry him. Im just trying to divorce my H and its a fucking minefield. Dont get trapped. Hes gone from verbally abusing you to now DV testing water with a wrist hold and dead arm. How long before hes raining punches down on you or the kids? Get out and quickly

So he held you so you couldn't get away & them punched.

Couldn't be any more deliberate could it?

This is how it starts.
Name calling knowing it upsets you.
Shouting at you.
Now it's grabbing you and thumping you, physically hurting you.

Next time you make him angry- a black eye? A kick? A beating?
The only acceptable amount of violence is none.

He has shown you what he's like- listen!

When your parents get home, you must tell them.

Do Not Marry This Man. If you don’t care about yourself, think about your kids. Who knows what he will do next time.

Get your children away from him now. If not you're at risk of losing them. Is he worth that? By staying with him a day longer you're putting them at risk.

You're not overthinking. Please get yourself and your DC out of there before he does something worse.

Contact women's aid if you need help to leave

Ps if you have any bruises on your arm take photos for evidence x

The first time it happened to me I was kneeling on the floor sorting something in the living room and he demanded why I hadn’t put the bin out.

I said you can do that yourself and he pushed me down to the floor with his foot.

I was like you, was shocked but then it’s wasn’t a fist to the face was it?
I probably shouldn’t have been rude should I? Saying it was abuse was ridiculously over dramatic considering women got badly hurt every day.

Anyway, he was acting like it didn’t even happen and I had just bought a house with him. Plus he was really stressed with ‘ real problems’.
Best to leave it and stop being silly.

Every single thing that people are saying on the thread came true for me.

My self worth, logic and instincts got so erased and twisted he didn’t even need to say anything I would erase every one of my boundaries myself.

Twenty years later I finally left him and I now know the woman in the mirror.

Please, my friend, do not be me, value yourself now.

He's abusive and violent.

Wait until he starts doing it in front of your DCs. They will think this is normal behaviour and reenact it.

You know that if you marry him it WILL esculate.

Listen to this advice. You are scared of him and you are right to be. Don’t confront him or try to make it right. Contact women’s aid. They will help to make sure you and your children are safe.
You can worry about all the rest of it later. You are strong and smart. Your children deserve to be raised in a safe home. You can give that to them.

🚩 🚩 🚩
Call the wedding off, separate and move on with your life. You are worth so much more than this!

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

He is an abuser both physically and emotionally!!

You need to leave him.

You've got to leave him ❤️ it will only escalate from here. Protect yourself and your children.

It started off with petty stuff with my ex-husband too. Throwing things close to my head because I hadn’t heard what he said and asked him a couple of times to repeat himself. Throwing a chair across the room because I was trying to breastfeed a newborn, while he was trying to have a nap on the sofa but our three year old was crying and wanting attention I couldn’t give him because I was feeding. Putting his fist through a hotel wardrobe door because we’d been having a conversation with his sister two hours before and I’d apparently “taken her side”. Putting his fist through a pane of glass because I had morning sickness and didn’t want to make him dinner because I felt close to throwing up just from the smell of the food. Throwing a big heavy cushion at me with our three year old on my lap because my mum was very ill and I’d wanted to spend Christmas Day at her house for the first time in 3 years rather than his mum’s. Thankfully I stuck to my guns on that one because she did in fact pass away just a month after that Christmas. I asked him to leave on New Year’s Dy following that Christmas. His entire family knew about this behaviour but still accused me of having an affair when I found the courage to leave because “he’s not that bad” and “he’s never actually hit you though so what’s the problem?”
He begged me to reconsider and signed up for anger management classes in an attempt to get me to let him come back. Once he knew my decision was final and I wanted a divorce, he cancelled his place on the course so it was never done with the correct intentions anyway.
Trust me when I say this will only get worse. My ex started off with just shouting etc but soon moved onto throwing and breaking things. I knew it was only a matter before he started physically hurting me. Thankfully I ended the marriage before it moved onto that.
I think you know yourself that this is not acceptable behaviour but I know how difficult it is to just up and leave when you have young children. Please, please start planning to end things now and getting things in place as soon as you possibly can to leave.

Report this to the police and leave him before he kills you. This man is very, very dangerous.

OP he assaulted you and you should report him.

You need to leave safely before you do and when he is out. Go and stay with family. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and be honest about why. Don’t hide this. They will be there for you. Women’s Aid will help.

Cancel all the wedding plans.

He will escalate.

💐

It may well be the first time he’s ever physically hurt you but I promise you now, if you stay, it will not be the last. His behaviour is already escalating, he’s become verbally abusive and now he’s become physically abusive. Women are seriously injured or killed by their partners every single day, and plenty of them have probably had the thought process of ‘well I guess I shouldn’t have done xyz to wind him up/it was ‘only’ my arm, maybe I’m overreacting/he’s normally so lovely’ etc etc etc. I’ve been there myself. Get yourself out while you can, you deserve so much better.

@Emmajohnson28 Please do not marry this man.

It's so wrong that he hit you.

Yes, it's wrong that you both verbally abuse each other {as described by you} but hitting crosses a boundary.

If you marry him, the assaults are very likely to continue, now he's crossed that Rubicon.

A lunch in the arm today will be a punch in the face next time if you let him get away with this assault.

I'd call the police but if you won't do that, at least split up and never ever be alone with this man again.

I say 'man' but he's far from being one.

Cowardly and aggressive piece of shit.