Petty argument - turned physical and now scared.

[Emmajohnson28]

Hi,

Posting here as if I speak to friends/family they may worry or I might be overreacting and it is quite petty to explain.

So getting married in December, usually get on great and have 2 toddlers.

The past 2 weeks partner has got into the habit of telling me to “shut up” or “shut my mouth”. Sometimes i will just be talking or asking general questions. I hate it and he knows. He’s ended up getting into the habit of saying it but sometimes can be aggressive as he shouts.

He hates it when in the past I’ve called him “mental or moody”. I never call him that anymore as I know he hates it.

I’ve now asked multiple times for him to stop telling me to shut up or shut my mouth. He hasn’t stopped. So I said every time you say that I’ll call you mental or moody. This was just to try and make him stop saying it.

Last night he told me to shut my mouth, so I called him mental and he grabbed my wrist and held it so I couldn’t pull away. I was flinching saying no don’t and he punched me in the top of my arm giving me a dead arm. He did it very aggressively and his intention was definitely to hurt me. He’s also 6ft 2lbs and probably 10 stone heavier than me. It really did hurt and I told him that but he didn’t take me seriously.

I was upset and said he’d gone too far, he said ‘don’t speak to me’ and ignored me for a good few hours. Then right before bedtime said “are we friends?” And tried to make things fine. I ignored him and went to sleep.. although I didn’t sleep at all. I was petrified and overthinking. We’ve both been at work today so not seen him but he’s text me carrying on as normal.

Am I overthinking? Any advice on what to do?

I don’t know what to do but I feel scared for him coming home. Nothing like this has happened before.

Thank you so much in advance.

You cancel the wedding now. And you phone Women's Aid and the police. Don't go home until you've spoken to the police and told them you are scared to go home because he hit you last night and he's now pretending everything is ok.

It is not ok. Ask them if an officer can accompany you home and if they will remove him.

OP you must report this to the police. You'll regret it later if you don't. Reporting it now will be your proof further down the line when you're trying to stop this violent man having unsupervised contact with your children.

Do not get married.

Tell everyone about him.

Start making plans.

See plans through.

Have a wonderful life.

@Emmajohnson28

First thing you do is take a deep breath. Second thing is to realize that you are NOT being unreasonable in thinking this is something you cannot ignore. Third thing to do is, if you aren't ready to completely break it off, at least postpone the wedding.

He's now turned physically abusive, a few weeks before that he had turned verbally abusive. Think back to even before that and examine the relationship carefully. These things generally don't come out of the blue. There are usually little comments or actions that seem small but in light of the escalation now appear as big red flags. Think about your behaviour patterns. Were you walking on eggshells so as not to 'upset' him? Were you choosing 'the right time' to speak to him about things to avoid the fallout? Did you defer to him, not because you truly wanted to, but to avoid him getting angry or pouting? Sometimes we think 'all is well' and we are happy, but on thought we realize that we are only 'happy' because they aren't angry with us and that we aren't being true to ourselves. Absence of fear doesn't equal happiness.

Something to remember is that abuse escalates. You've already had that (verbal to physical). But physical violence escalates, too. Today it's grabbing your arm and punching it, but tomorrow it may be punching your face, choking you or worse. My abusive exH never laid a hand on me until after the ring was on my finger. So you've been forewarned. At least you've seen it before marriage, so it will be a little easier to 'unentangle' yourself and get away than if you had to go through the legalities of divorce.

I understand not wanting to cause your sister stress. But your parents are 'only' on holiday. If you were my child, I'd want to know. Even if I didn't cut short my trip I'd want to be there for you emotionally and be able to act as a sounding board.

He's not going to want to talk about this. I don't know if you should even try. Personally, I think you should 'act normal', think deeply, then make a decision and act on it.

If you want to, is there anyway you could go to your parent's house and stay there, if only to catch your breath and have some peace?

Cancel the wedding. I started to suspect my ex was abusive before we got married but I didn't call it off because I wasn't sure it was real and the idea of having to tell everyone the wedding was off was mortifying. I lasted 15 months married the abuse ramped up. He hurt our child which was why I left. Then had to spend thousands battling him to keep MY house.

FO MOT MARRY HIM. He is the one who should be ashamed not you you are doing nothing wrong. In fact by not ending it you would be failing your kids so hold onto that thought.

Phone the police and report what happened. They won't do shit I expect but you need to think about evidence all the time going forward because you need evidence to protect your children in the future

You cannot marry him.

Please don't marry this man. He's shown you very clearly who he is and that isn't someone you should stay with. For your sake and for the sake of your children get away as quickly as possible.

I would reconsider your relationship with him to be honest. This situation was similar to mine 20 years ago (although I didn’t have kids). I went ahead and pushed my concerns to one side and got married. My husband first hit me on my honeymoon and then continued to verbally and physically abuse me for the next 20 years - the verbal abuse you mention is v similar to what I experienced. My ex delighted in doing exactly what I told him I hated him doing. As we went on to have 2 children it got more and more difficult to leave.

We finally split up last year after 19 years of marriage after I found out he’d been serially unfaithful to me for years. I’m so much happier now and I look back and think I wish I had been stronger at the start of our relationship to end it.

Don't marry him whatever you do

Don't whatever you do marry this man @Emmajohnson28.
It's time to separate because there's a fair chance now he's assaulted you once he will do it again.
Tell a family member or friend you trust and I suggest you contact Women's Aid for support in leaving.

When you realise you are on the wrong train get off as fast as you can

Staying on is only prolonging the journey and will cause more aggro in the long term

He punched you. You need to leave him. This will only escalate. It will get worse if you marry him. Then escalate further if you get pregnant or have a baby. He punched you. He was angry . He intended to hurt you. That is not love.

Tw DV

Trust me. I had a boyfriend that started by throwing things, then punching walls and doors. Then punching me,

Then he threw a mirror at me while I was naked in the bath. The glass cut as it settled in the water and everytime I moved. I've got scars up my legs. They are still visible after 25 years. He then locked me in the house and took my phone so I couldn't get help.

It took about 8/9 times leaving to actually leave and stay away. I honestly was traumatised for years by it.

Don't marry him. Don't bring a child into it.

Please don't marry this man. He's shown you who he is. He won't change. The abuse will only get worse.

Nothing I can say adds anything to the advice you are getting on this thread, but I will just add my voice to everyone else's - PLEASE DON'T MARRY THIS MAN. If you do it will be so much harder to unentangle yourself down the line, and you WILL have to. This is only going one way.

So, what ever else you do (and that should be to leave or make him leave), just don't get married.

He assaulted you.
You call the police.
You get this violent bastard removed.
You do NOT marry this prick.
You tell all your family that you will not marry him and the relationship is over because he is a violent man.
He knew well what he was doing.

Your poor children deserve so much better than this.
Report him to the police.

This is domestic abuse.
I am so sorry.

What should you do?

You end your relationship, take your children and leave him.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwja57GbsM-IAxWDVUEAHa2oAGIQFnoECBYQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt

Why does he do that?

Should we try to remember the play book..
firstly it's seeing how far you can be subjugated.... tick.
Secondly it's dismissing you.... tick
Then it's a small physical telling off... tick.
Then it's not apologising... tick
Then it's a cycle of the above until he's bored with the same old.
Then it's demeaning you infront of the kids
Then it's physical and mental attack after attack.
Then it's using your body.
Then it's attacking in front of the kids.

Depending at which point you try to stop this depends on how he gets his 'revenge'.

Am I wrong?

You must start by making the children and yourself safe which means reporting him to the police and finding a safe place to stay where he can't get at you. You'll need support in doing this and you'll need to tell people, not keep it secret. Perhaps your sister will be stressed knowing what is going on for you, but she will be less stressed knowing that you're safe than if you were still with him. Get advice from women's services. The only way your relationship can resume (assuming you want it to) is if he gets proper help in controlling his temper. Some men do find a way to change, but not my pretending that nothing happened. Good luck.

Only read OP. All I needed too.

I think you should end this non relationship now. Telling you to shut up and shut your mouth is horrible. Then he's got physical already. Just get it finished.

Take photos of your bruises. Cancel any wedding plans you have booked, hopefully you haven't spent too much already. Tell everyone you know how abusive he is.

That would be the end of the relationship for me. I would call off the wedding. He hit you on purpose. He held you in place to do it. If it’s been escalating over the last couple weeks he may increase in intensity - he’s hurt you physically once now. If you put up with it that’s it, there’s nothing to stop him doing it again and getting worse. It’s not petty. Others will give you better advice on how to leave safely. He’s not your friend any more. I’m so sorry.

Advice? Your relationship sounds toxic. Are you both adults?

Please do not marry him. He is horrible and does not care for you as he should.

You don’t need to approach him, you need to take your DC and leave. This will not stop. This will happen again and again. Regardless of what he says, you are no overreacting. Go now if you can.