Petty argument - turned physical and now scared.

[Emmajohnson28]

Hi,

Posting here as if I speak to friends/family they may worry or I might be overreacting and it is quite petty to explain.

So getting married in December, usually get on great and have 2 toddlers.

The past 2 weeks partner has got into the habit of telling me to “shut up” or “shut my mouth”. Sometimes i will just be talking or asking general questions. I hate it and he knows. He’s ended up getting into the habit of saying it but sometimes can be aggressive as he shouts.

He hates it when in the past I’ve called him “mental or moody”. I never call him that anymore as I know he hates it.

I’ve now asked multiple times for him to stop telling me to shut up or shut my mouth. He hasn’t stopped. So I said every time you say that I’ll call you mental or moody. This was just to try and make him stop saying it.

Last night he told me to shut my mouth, so I called him mental and he grabbed my wrist and held it so I couldn’t pull away. I was flinching saying no don’t and he punched me in the top of my arm giving me a dead arm. He did it very aggressively and his intention was definitely to hurt me. He’s also 6ft 2lbs and probably 10 stone heavier than me. It really did hurt and I told him that but he didn’t take me seriously.

I was upset and said he’d gone too far, he said ‘don’t speak to me’ and ignored me for a good few hours. Then right before bedtime said “are we friends?” And tried to make things fine. I ignored him and went to sleep.. although I didn’t sleep at all. I was petrified and overthinking. We’ve both been at work today so not seen him but he’s text me carrying on as normal.

Am I overthinking? Any advice on what to do?

I don’t know what to do but I feel scared for him coming home. Nothing like this has happened before.

Thank you so much in advance.

You do know what to do. You know exactly what to do bits it’s scary and hard.

hiw long have you been with this guy?

Bloody hell! You know what everyone is going to say - he is abusive and you need to leave. He hit you! I'd never hit anyone, ever, let alone someone I'm supposed to love. Has he done it before?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, please cancel the wedding he's an abusive bully who will destroy your life one way or another.

@Emmajohnson28 if this is what he is like before marriage, how bad will it be once your do get married???? back away from him now!!

You deserve better, and what's quite concerning is that he doesn't appear to be remorseful at all, as if in his mind you 'deserved' it.

It WILL get worse, there's no will it or won't it, it WILL happen again. Do you honestly deserve that treatment? Do you honestly want that for your children?

You have been blessed that you have seen his hidden side before you are married. What you do with that information is entirely in your hands....
I pray for the best for you and your family.x

Won’t stop at your arm.
Protect your children and yourself. You have no idea how easy it would be for him to make a deadly mistake.

You’ve asked him repeatedly not to be verbally aggressive and instead he has escalated it to a physical attack. It’s time to get out of this relationship, there isn’t an approach that will change him. Do not waste your time on verbal gymnastics trying to appeal to his better nature, he has chosen violence.

Would you tell your children to stay in a relationship that had escalated to a verbal attack? I hope you wouldn’t.

Indeed. And have to wonder if he asked if they were still friends before bed because he fancied doing just that. Using her body. Utter monster

It’s absolutely not petty, it’s all abusive, all toxic behaviour that is only going to get worse.

I realise you love him etc but keep yourself and your toddlers safe and make an exit (or if you own/rent the home in your sole name he needs to leave). You’ll get some great advice on here because so many women seem to have been in that position.

All I can say is that I have been happily married for a decade and my husband has always been kind and respectful to me. This is normal - and what you have described is terrifying. Men can so easily kill us if they want to.

If HE was the type of man you believed he was-what would he tell you to do?
ONE punch.
thats ALL it takes. (to die) seriously, you might pick up black eyes,couple of teeth out,crackt ribs, etc
You should be scared. You have no idea what he is capable of.
Therefore you MUST put yourself and your kids outta his firing line.Immediately.
call womans aid? GET out asap. support be it sil/friends/family is really fantastic. HE did this, over nothing at all,///there literally is no justification.

You don’t need to approach him/consider your approach to him. You don't ever need to see him again.
Contact a local domestic abuse organisation and report to the police. An of course, leave him.

Cancel that wedding asap, tell him until he gets his mental shit together you’re not getting married. Start putting those ducks in a row and book a consultation with a lawyer, say nothing to him about the ducks and the lawyer. Do NOT marry this man, he’s abusive and dangerous.

Imagine if this had happened to your daughter, friend, sister. What advice would you give them? Hopefully your advice would be to leave as soon and as safely as possible. That's the advice you need to tell yourself.

This will only ever get worse. I'm so sorry.

It may be rougher sex next time. Or anal rape. Or deliberately humiliating you in front of the children.
It is very unlikely that he will see the error of his ways and change for the better.

You need to leave him. It's abuse and will only get worse.

You don't need to approach him, you need to leave him, for your own safety and that of your children. And you are more likely to get help and support from your own friends than from someone who may have misplaced loyalty to your abuser.

Leave him. Physically-violent men never stop being physically violent.

This is not the behaviour of someone who loves you. It is abuse. It will get worse. He will pretend nothing has happened and be nice to you. It is what they do.

Please do not marry him, you need to look after yourself and your children. Please take photos of any bruising. Contact your local Women's Aid and they will be able to help with advice and next steps to keep you safe.

I hope you are ok @Emmajohnson28

If a man in the street verbally abused you you, grabbed your wrist and punched you, I hope someone would call the police. OP, you do know what to do.

This man is violent. He’s not sorry, he thinks he has the right to control you by force.

Think how he’ll behave when your children are old enough to stand up to him. But they probably won’t dare, because they’ll be living in fear of him.

Don’t try to discuss it with him. Please follow PPs’ advice, find a safe place to go, and get yourself and DC away as quickly as you can.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!

It will get worse. I would say get yourself somewhere safe or ask him to find another place for the time being. Personally, I would contact the police and ensure they have his behaviour on record.

Because it was your arm and not your face you are failing to see the seriousness in what he has done.

He is acting normal in hopes you will mirror his behaviour and you can both act like it didn't happen.

He absolutely will do it again and it will get worse.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately approaching him will get you nowhere as, per previous posters’ comments, he is abusive.

please read (discreetly) Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (You can download on kindle app or Apple Books, if your phone is private). You will recognise your partner described there, both from this incident and from the silent treatment, the pretence that nothing is wrong etc There will be other things you didn’t realise were part of this pattern before reading the book.

Sadly, if you own a property together and are financially dependent on him you might want to think carefully about whether you do go ahead with the wedding and work through a divorce later. If you do not own a property, and you have a job yourself, I strongly advise you cancel the wedding.

Think about what you want your children to see, what you want them to accept in their own relationships when they are older and how you want them to behave to their own partners.

Did he bruise you when he hit your arm? If so take photos.

💐

"Am I overthinking? Any advice on what to do?"

What do you think you should do? What would you tell a daughter of yours if she was in this position.

You have to leave. You have to accept what he has done to you. It's extremely difficult but glossing over it or minimising it is a massive mistake. Don't look for reasons that you can't leave. Tell everyone what's happened.

Good luck - I hope you have family and friends who can support you

I grew up in an abusive household. Once you are married it will be full on violence. It will also be aimed at your children. Please, for the sake of your children if not yourself, leave now and never go back. Please go to see a solicitor to see what steps you can take to protect yourself and your children e.g. restraining order. Make sure the police know. Tell everyone so they know not to hand the kids over to your husband and never to give him your address. Get as far away as you can as fast as you can. I cannot say it loud enough. GET OUT NOW. Wishing you all the best.

It will only get worse