Situation with BIL

[Mary243]

There is a huge backstory to my relationship with BIL but I'm trying to keep this as brief as I can.

BIL is a total narcissist, has been with his partner a long time but no children.

We have 2 DC, a few years ago my DS started to really struggle, he was very depressed and had an eating disorder.

He is a lot better now but still sees a therapist and I really believe he has ADHD.

BIL does not believe in ADHD and when DS was struggling he would offer to meet up with him. But it would be "I have a 45min window on Weds for a quick coffee".

A lot has happened in our family the last few years and BIL hasn't been supportive.

So, to my problem. My DH has been diagnosed with cancer. It's going to be a long journey of treatment and life changing surgery.

BIL is very concerned and has been involved with treatment plan and researching things.

In one phone call to me he said " I have been feeling so ill for the last few weeks worrying about this. I know you must be but after all he is my flesh and blood!"

We arranged to meet up with them for a meal just before DH first hospital stay. I must admit I had a few drinks (we had just been given some awful news). BIL began to complain about my son, I snapped and said I don't think he has been very supportive of him and he hadn't been supportive of me either. I had a mental health breakdown in 2022 just as DS was going to uni and was admitted to hospital for 3 months.

We had an argument, DH and SIL didn't say anything. The next day I messaged them and apologised. I said the most important thing was to concentrate on DH care and treatment and let everything else go. They both agreed.

DH had a 7 day hospital stay, I went everyday but BIL didn't visit once. Since DH has been home BIL has not offered any help. He does phone DH every day but no offer to take him out, visit etc. DH cannot drive at the moment or lift so everything has been down to me, including getting elderly PIL shopping.

Although I really don't want to spend time with BIL I'm increasingly getting angry at his treatment of me. I'm so confused why I am feeling this way because I don't like the man and it's a relief not to listen to him.

But I just don't know how to process my anger? And also if I'm justified? Any advice please?

What exactly is it that you're so angry about? I appreciate that you've been dealing with enormous stress with your DS and DH's different illnesses and your own mental breakdown resulting in an inpatient stay, but what is it that you expect from your BIL? What did you feel he should have done for your son when he had an eating disorder? What did you feel he should have been doing when you were hospitalised? He's calling your husband daily -- can your DH not ask him on one of these calls to do their parents' shopping, or to come around, if indeed he wants to see his brother? Why is it you seem so fixated on his 'treatment' of you? You don't like him, so surely you don't want him around any more than he is?

Clearly there's a lot more to this, but from what you've said here -

He did meet regularly with your son when he was struggling.

He has been involved with your husbands treatment plan and been supportive.

You had a massive go at him with your husband there the day before surgery.

He's calling and checking in every day.

You don't want him around, which was very evident given the fact you had a massive go, and so he's not around but supporting from a distance.

You don't like him, and don't want his support, but when he's not offering it, you're getting pissed off?

Tbh it sounds like you've had a rough few years, anyone would be cracking under the pressure, but BIL seems to be the focus of your anger for some reason. From what you've said here he hasn't done anything wrong. What is it you want from him?

It sounds like BIL is staying away from you after the argument.

Ask your DH to ask BIL to take PIL shopping when he next speaks to him - it's unfair that you have to take this on right now.

It sounds like you're focusing all your pain and anger on your BIL because you're going through a very difficult time. I'm sorry to hear about your DH.

It doesn't sound like your BIL has done anything wrong. Have you suggested to him that he takes your DH out? I'm sure he will visit.

You might consider getting yourself some talking therapy - privately will be faster, although you can go via your GP or self-refer if you can't afford private. Supporting your DH through a cancer diagnosis and treatment is a huge strain on you. Having somewhere safe to talk through your feelings will be helpful.

You know that you will not receive any support from your BIL.

Feelings of anger are really unhealthy for you. It's like poison and will eat you alive.

Practising emotional detachment from your BIL is the key here. Leaning to stop caring about what he thinks and removing yourself from any interactions with him. Stop expecting anything from him. He clearly drives you up the wall but as you already know, you can't change other people. You can only change the way you react to them.

Stop answering his calls and avoid talking to him for anything other than superficial interaction.

I just think you need to distance yourself from Bil. Stop expecting support from him. He will support your dh in his own way.

He made time for your son and perhaps he was busy so had to fit it into his life somehow by putting time parameters on it.

Just focus on your dh, make sure you have some talking therapy and look after yourself.

Do not look to your bil for support. Do you have friends? Other family?

There is hostile feelings from you towards your bil. Perhaps you expect too much from him but you've diagnosed him as a narcissist so why would you expect help from him?

Yes, I think this is fair. I think some therapy to help you deal with what has been going on, and unpick why you're focusing all your rage at your BIL, would be helpful.

Thank you for your replies. Yes there is a lot of backstory. I know I shouldn't be feeling angry because I don't even like the man but it's hard to process my feelings.

To answer a few questions. He didn't support my son, they very rarely met up. When we said that DS was still in therapy he said "For gods sake it's been 2 years!"

When I explained about the ADHD he replied " do you even know what ADHD is?"

When I was in hospital I was accused of attention seeking. I didn't even get a text message to ask how I was.

I know I need to let this go and I am angry with myself for arguing with him. But it was the final straw when he was complaining about DS. I'm angry with myself but also angry with him as he would never admit to making a mistake.

Sorry that meant to say "do you even know what ADHD means"

My sil / db are like you. Keeps saying their kids have asd / adhd but then never try to get an official diagnosis or manage their terrible behaviour and whenever I’ve called th out on that she targets me
and badmouths me to my dns then complains why I don’t spend more time with them. I get you’re stressed but bil is not the cause of any of this. You need to focus on your energies on your dh and getting a proper diagnosis for your ds.

@Ozanj

He shows all the signs, his therapist has suggested it. I have contacted a private company but DS keeps putting it off.

It angers me because he shows no empathy towards DS.

I know I need to focus on DH, it's not taking over my life. But I'm angry with myself for confronting him and his behaviour since I think is unjust.

Ive put up with his behaviour over the years for the sake of my DC and DH but I'm fed up with him.

I still don't see why your anger is so directed at him. Were he and your son terribly close when your son was younger or something? What kind of support were you expecting him to offer a teenager who was depressed and had an eating disorder? Would you have wanted to be in continual touch with a man you don't like when you were hospitalised for a nervous breakdown? And surely if your DH wants to see him in person, he can ask him, just as you or he can ask him to take over grocery shopping for the PILs, rather than seething because he hasn't offered?

I'm quite fond of my DH's two brothers, but I don't expect either of them to be that involved with me or my DS if we're ill or depressed, and communication tends to be via DH, as they're his brothers. I get on very well with them, and see them regularly enough at PIL's house, but I'd have been astonished if they communicated with me while I was in a psychiatric unit.

There must be far more going on than you've said. Some of the things you say about him sound more like the kind of frustration and anger a wife would feel at a spouse who neglected her and their struggling teenager!

But he's staying away now and that's pissing you off too.

I absolutely get that there's a whole lot of things happened in your family that has been out of your control. You maybe need a tangible focal point for that anger, and that's possibly what's going on here.

Your BIL has no obligation to support you or do anything for you.

It's nice to have family around and support from them but IME they tend to drift off if they think you don't appreciate it and have a go at them.

Yabu for all of the reasons everyone else has listed. It’s like you’re actively looking for things to get annoyed at him about. He’s not done anything wrong op, except not follow the exact script you’ve made up in your head of everything you think he should be doing and saying. He sounds caring and is providing far more support than a lot of family would

I often find that when a person says another is not supportive they have a particular idea of what they require. The other party really might not get that and think they are being supportive.
I don't really know what it is you want him to do OP. You clearly don't like him, so I have a feeling that no matter what he did it would be the wrong thing.
Is your husband happy with the phone calls, is that enough for him?
Do you feel as he doesn't have children he should take a huge interest in yours?
Anyway, perhaps best to just concentrate on doing exactly what you can at present and not take on more tasks.

This is DHs brother, he's supporting him and DH doesn't appear to have complaints, so nobody gains from you creating drama right now.

Ask him to take over PIL shopping and other things for his family. That's all, after that focus on DH.

You are clearly hurting and lashing out, but at the wrong person, best of luck to you and DH.

Ok it seems that I am the one at fault here? I'm not going to flounce off because I'm not hearing what I want, but as I said there is a lot of back story.

Maybe I am focusing my anger on him and I need to readdress that?

I would have thought if my SIL had a breakdown I would have offered some support to her and her children? He has said he is devastated about DH but has not visited him in hospital, offered to take him to any appointments etc.

He lives 5 mins away and doesn't work.

We have hosted them and PIL every Christmas for the last 20 years. They don't even take their plates out let alone offer any help. I have put up with it for a quite life.

Not sure how I'm going to cope this year? If I refuse to host I will be the one making problems.

Yes, I would expect family to help out and take an interest in their nephew and niece.

Maybe it's because I come from a very loving and caring family and my expectations are too high?

I know I need to process this all and focus on DH. I am angry for losing my temper at him, I should have handled it better.

Thank you everyone for making this all a bit clearer for me.

Group message or family WhatsApp - Bil, dh & I are totally maxed out, we need to focus on dhs treatment and the kids. you will need to get your parents shopping from now on. Thanks!

put your phone down, walk away. Feel great that he doesn’t contact you as it’s because he did not like hearing some truths, no he did not. But he deserved it.

Like PP, I’m unsure what you want from BIL.

So you think he should spend time with your DC because he has none of his own? Would you expect less from him if he did have his own?

He sounds like he is supporting your DH so that’s good.

He’s avoiding you because you’ve shouted at him last time he saw you. So instead he’s just speaking with his brother. That’s OK isn’t it?

If your DH wants to go out with DH surely DH will ask him to take him out? If DH has said he wishes that BIL would take him out, you could suggest DH asks BIL directly. Or you could swallow your pride and send a polite msg to BIL asking if he would take DH to cheer him up.

BIL is allowed his opinions on ADHD. You are allowed to disagree and vice versa.

I hope DH makes a good recovery. Please see your GP if you think you need some support. You do sound like you are very stressed and maybe focusing too much on BIL.

💐

I think your expectations are too high...
You are also straying into martyrdom territory a bit..
You don't need to sort out pil shopping,

you don't need to host Christmas

You don't have to deal with BIL at all...

You have a massive amount of stressful things going on.. i would suggest looking for support for yourself... Possibly via local carers network?
Do you have employee assistance type via work..

Focus your effort and energy where you can....

It sounds like you've been going through hell. You are understandably upset and angry. Life must feel like a rollercoaster of difficult events. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

It's hard to tell from the posts whether BIL is being that terrible. You say he met up with your son when he was struggling. Maybe he didn't do as well as you wanted, but it sounds like he tried. He has phoned your husband every single day which giving emotional support and letting him know he's there and thinking of him all the time. He has been involved in research and careplan for your husband.

You obviously have a long-standing dislike of him so perhaps it isn't easy for him to offer direct help to you because your relationship isn't the best. He maybe thinks you don't like him (and it sounds like you don't) and he might assume you don't want him around.

Maybe you need to directly ask for concrete things rather than being angry about whether he offers or not. If he feels you dislike him he might just not know what to offer or what you want. If you ask directly for practical things he might be relieved and know then what to do and be able to help more than you think.

You sound like very different people with different views on things. That might mean you aren't best friends or that certain subjects might bring up tensions, but it doesn't mean you can't be kind to each other as people, as family. You can find practical ways of him supporting, that don't give rise to your disagreements. He could be a bit rubbish at providing emotional support but thinking of what he is good at and maybe asking for help he could provide. As someone said, looking after PIL and getting their shopping is surely not your job, you have far too much on your plate right now. If he doesn't live near maybe he can arrange an online shop for them and take all that off your hands. If you think DH might enjoy being taken out, could you just ask BIL if he would do this? It might not have occured to him or he even might think he is intruding on you and your DH. Could you ask directly for him to visit in hospital? Some people are not good about that, which isn't an excuse, but it's not uncommon.

You need to nurture and be kind to yourself at the moment and not be proud and ask directly for practical help.

I hope things get easier for you and your DH.

Why are you trying so hard to insist that your son's uncle be supportive? Many uncles and aunts are quite peripheral and any help from them is optional, they don't have to support, just because they are related. It's clear he's not a supportive type, and you've decided he's a narcissist, so if that is true then he's never going to give the support you want, and no amount of arguing, pleading or complaining, is going to change that.
I feel for your DH, you made a last meal out before his surgery about you and your feelings, when you should of been the bigger person rather than adding to your DH's stress.
You fundamentally see things differently to your BIL and don't get on, so why on earth would you expect, or look to him, for support while you were in hospital? You are looking in the wrong place for support. Let it lie and find support in others if you need it, or through therapy improve on self-reliance.

Maybe a bit closer to Christmas you send a WhatsApp to the family

‘as you know we’ve had a tough few months and this year I need a little extra help with Christmas. I hope you understand and feel you can help. Either someone else could host. Or may I suggest the following: I will host and I will get the turkey

Bob please bring potatoes prepped for roasting in a foil roasting tray (x potatoes peeled halved par boiled rubbed in salt and oil) by 12 noon
Sue please bring sprouts peeled and trimmed enough for 10 people by 12 noon
Rita you’re on carrots peeled
Fred bring a dessert
Mavis and Dave you’re on washing up.

Feel free to swap tasks.
I think this will be a fun way to each do some of the work. I will provide crackers.

etc

ADHD is genetic - which one of his parents has traits?

If you had a breakdown recently and are drinking to deal with stress - I would pivot your focus inward and do all you can to support your own emotional well-being at this very difficult time of your life so that you can support the two people who need you as best you can right now.

Anger is a secondary emotion as is outward blame - a projection - it is often a denial of very uncomfortable feelings within us - likely fear in your case. Try to find the courage to look at that in the eye with professional help.