Situation with BIL

[Mary243]

There is a huge backstory to my relationship with BIL but I'm trying to keep this as brief as I can.

BIL is a total narcissist, has been with his partner a long time but no children.

We have 2 DC, a few years ago my DS started to really struggle, he was very depressed and had an eating disorder.

He is a lot better now but still sees a therapist and I really believe he has ADHD.

BIL does not believe in ADHD and when DS was struggling he would offer to meet up with him. But it would be "I have a 45min window on Weds for a quick coffee".

A lot has happened in our family the last few years and BIL hasn't been supportive.

So, to my problem. My DH has been diagnosed with cancer. It's going to be a long journey of treatment and life changing surgery.

BIL is very concerned and has been involved with treatment plan and researching things.

In one phone call to me he said " I have been feeling so ill for the last few weeks worrying about this. I know you must be but after all he is my flesh and blood!"

We arranged to meet up with them for a meal just before DH first hospital stay. I must admit I had a few drinks (we had just been given some awful news). BIL began to complain about my son, I snapped and said I don't think he has been very supportive of him and he hadn't been supportive of me either. I had a mental health breakdown in 2022 just as DS was going to uni and was admitted to hospital for 3 months.

We had an argument, DH and SIL didn't say anything. The next day I messaged them and apologised. I said the most important thing was to concentrate on DH care and treatment and let everything else go. They both agreed.

DH had a 7 day hospital stay, I went everyday but BIL didn't visit once. Since DH has been home BIL has not offered any help. He does phone DH every day but no offer to take him out, visit etc. DH cannot drive at the moment or lift so everything has been down to me, including getting elderly PIL shopping.

Although I really don't want to spend time with BIL I'm increasingly getting angry at his treatment of me. I'm so confused why I am feeling this way because I don't like the man and it's a relief not to listen to him.

But I just don't know how to process my anger? And also if I'm justified? Any advice please?

BIL sounds like a tit - i don't think that came across particularly in your initial post but your subsequent replies have made things a bit clearer.

I wish you and DH all the best.

I'm afraid I agree with others that you've made yourself into a bit of a martyr with tasks for PIL and Christmas. It's too much with DH treatment, you need to spend your energy on your own family right now end of.

You don't have to be antagonistic about it. Just say on your WhatsApp group or mass text 'to give you all plenty of notice, we are unable to host Christmas this year for obvious reasons. I know you will all understand and if anyone wants to take it on this year we would really appreciate it.'

She is a young women.

You have a lot on your plate currently. How about seeing if any local restaurants are open for Christmas, if that would be manageable for DH?

Or you could just be a normal person and say " by the way you can all fuck off if you think I am doing Christmas lunch this year and another thing, you BIL and SIL can take over PIL's shopping I've got too much to think about"
Your BIL sounds like a bully and needs to be stopped. If he and everyone else gets arsey, tough.
Stop fretting about your DS and whatever your BIL thinks about his condition. You can deal with that later.

I'm sorry that your DH is going through what he's going through for his treatment but you need to push back in relation to the PiL shopping for example. Simply say to the PiL that you have to focus on your DH and his recovery plan and that BiL and his wife can look after getting their groceries for a while as you're no longer able to do it for them.
Then send a quick text message (and leave a voicemail if you wanted to) with BiL and his wife saying that you've told PiL that you're not going to be doing their shopping for them any more as you have to focus on DH's recovery plan and that they are going to be taking over this task.
Don't ask them - inform them that you're not going to be doing it anymore. Inform them that you've been in touch with their parents and advised them that should they need shopping done that it is BiL that they need to reach out to going forwards.

That will at least take one thing off your plate that really shouldn't have been on it to begin with.

Then you tackle the next thing on the list, whatever that is.

About the first part - that's between your PiL and their son
About the second part - You're not ruining Christmas, you're asserting a boundary that has been lacking. I mean this kindly but what did they do for Christmas before you got together with your DH? They should revert to doing some form of that or try something new.

BIL is more talk than action. So are a lot of people. You won't change him so you need to work on changing your expectations of him and reactions to his behaviour.

Agree with PP's that you can step away from doing PIL's shopping. Tell them and tell BIL and SIL that you have too much on plate and are unable to help with this from now/next week.

Christmas doesn't need to be a thing right now. But if you want to have that discussion then absolutely nothing wrong with saying you're having a change this year and will just be you, DH and the kids. If the kids are adults they can do Christmas with some direction.

Don't expect BIL to step up and support you or your kids. Yes it would be nice if he did, but he's shown that he's not that person. He's speaking to your DH. It's a pity he's not taking any actions but that is their relationship and if DH is OK with that then you can step back.

You've got a lot on, but focus your attention on your nuclear family and let the in-laws sort themselves out.

@Mary243
You said bil doesn't work yet he is a pilot (in relation to the irony of owning an electric car)
Which is it? Unless piloting is his hobby.

I think you’re giving the guy too much head space. I wouldn’t expect any “support” from my bil regarding my children and family problems- he lives his life and we live ours, we’re not responsible for each other.

The cancer is different, but have you asked him for what you need? I thought your OP was going to say he was turning up every day and trying to take over - that’s what I would have a problem with.

@OCaledonia He was a pilot, he took early retirement last year.

The posters that have said BIL is all talk and no action have hit the nail on the head.
I think that is what has annoyed me so much regarding DS and people accusing me of asking for too much from BIL.

The way he talks is like he has bent over backwards helping him. Which he didn't, as I said he would try and fit him in for a coffee for 40mins at the cafe. Then probably cancel.

The shopping thing is awkward because I know it will upset my DH.
Honestly I could go on and on about their family dynamic. It is completely messed up.

When I first posted the replies I was getting made me think I was the one causing problems. It is nice to hear that I'm not just seeing something that isn't there. I do feel stronger today.

With regards to Christmas I feel like I need to please DH. He may not be strong enough to go out, we wont know until closer to the time.

It also could well be our last Christmas and I couldn't refuse DH wishes.

MN is always full of people who can't stand their in laws complaining that they don't see enough of them.

Everything is an interaction and not black and white - so you need to take some responsibility for the dynamics and your reactions.

Bil is quite clearly an arse, DH family dynamics are dysfunctional, unboundaried and entrenched - but you should take 1% responsibility for turning up drunk to a sensitive family meal and snapping - I am sure that this was not helpful to your DH.

You also have to take responsibility to for distancing yourself with indifference rather than holding a hostile stance - its not good for any of you. And lower your expectations of BIL and move on.

Invest in and focus on your own MH especially with the blows your have endured and what you have to face ahead.

Agree about Christmas OP. I think you should host but get everyone to chip in by bringing one of the ingredients prepped.

💐

You sound very stressed OP and understandably so BUT it seems you want BIL's help and input ONLY on your terms, you want him to do x but not Y but he is your DH's brother and has his own relationship with him.
I wish your DH a good recovery

OP, your BIL sounds like a prick and you have been a saint not to have snapped earlier.
Please step back from that relationship and leave your PIL to him.

I know you are trying to please your husband and he is sick, but if you were in hospital for 3 months, you were very ill too.

You need to mind yourself too and limiting the time you spend tolerating that pompous know it all prick, is a good place to start.
Wishing you well.

Telling her DH family to ‘fuck off as she isn’t doing Christmas’ will just hurt DH who is already having a shit time.

@Hiji
Thank you I like that quote about treating him with indifference and not taking a hostile stance.

But I need to say I didn't turn up drunk and start shouting.
We had just had some very bad news. All of us had a bit too much to drink and I only snapped when BIL started complaining about my son. Yes it wasn't the time or place, but I was not going to sit there and listen to it.

I understand. My only point is that we only ever have our own agency and what actions we choose to take and how we prepare to respond (or not) rather than react. You've been through the wars with your own MH, your DS, potentially some undiagnosed and therefore unsupported ND - and then your DH. Thats enough to floor anyone without hostile environments and difficult characters.

Disconnect from them in your head and try to pivot your finite emotional energy on the people who need it. Your issues with BIL are futile. But your DH can choose whatever RS he wants with him. Keep yourself out of punching distance.

@Hiji Thank you, wise words.

People who give it the big “I am” are infuriating anyway.

His way of being isn’t in your “locus of control”. Give your head a literal shake when you find yourself ruminating about him and change your thoughts to something more important.

I think I’ve had maybe a handful of conversations with my BIL in the 12 years I’ve been married to my DH. We have civil generic, “how you doing” conversations at family gatherings, but that’s it. I don’t have his or his partners phone numbers and I’ve never messaged them directly about anything, ever.

My DD was very ill last year, they never asked me how she was, I’m assuming they may have asked SIL as we talk occasionally more or FIL as that’s who my DH would update. They have never taken any of my children out EVER nor have I ever expected them too.

Same with my side of the family, my DH would have last spoken to my DB at a family funeral earlier this year, before that was probably 6 years ago at the last big family party. I however talk to my DB a few times a year. I’ve no idea of my SILs number, I will occasionally exchange a message with my adult nieces and check in on them, but that’s it.

It sounds like your turning everything into it being all about you.

Send SIL & BIL a message stating that your DH wants you to do PIL shopping because he knows they won’t. Let them know that until your DH is well again, your sole focus will be on your immediate family only and as much as you love the PIL, (even if you don’t) you don’t have the time or energy to do this. They can either help their parents with the shopping or set up and online delivery for them.
No asking. Just telling.
Your BIL sounds like an autocratic, sexist arsehole. I can’t imagine him surviving in an airline if he can’t keep his opinions to himself. Did he retire early or did he “retire” early? I bet he was asked to retire.

That's not how our family works thankfully.

I am certainly not making it about me!
@Fraaahnces that's an interesting thought.

Im not sure he is as outspoken at work but he is very much a bore and know it all. It's very much "The Dave show" (not is real name obvs 😂).

What did your BIL say about your DS that made you snap?

Whatever it was, he shouldn't have opened his big mouth at that time imo. It wasn't the right circumstances or the right occasion.

I'm not surprised you snapped tbh.

Just started complaining that he wasn't "fixed" yet and that DS had been avoiding him.