Situation with BIL

[Mary243]

There is a huge backstory to my relationship with BIL but I'm trying to keep this as brief as I can.

BIL is a total narcissist, has been with his partner a long time but no children.

We have 2 DC, a few years ago my DS started to really struggle, he was very depressed and had an eating disorder.

He is a lot better now but still sees a therapist and I really believe he has ADHD.

BIL does not believe in ADHD and when DS was struggling he would offer to meet up with him. But it would be "I have a 45min window on Weds for a quick coffee".

A lot has happened in our family the last few years and BIL hasn't been supportive.

So, to my problem. My DH has been diagnosed with cancer. It's going to be a long journey of treatment and life changing surgery.

BIL is very concerned and has been involved with treatment plan and researching things.

In one phone call to me he said " I have been feeling so ill for the last few weeks worrying about this. I know you must be but after all he is my flesh and blood!"

We arranged to meet up with them for a meal just before DH first hospital stay. I must admit I had a few drinks (we had just been given some awful news). BIL began to complain about my son, I snapped and said I don't think he has been very supportive of him and he hadn't been supportive of me either. I had a mental health breakdown in 2022 just as DS was going to uni and was admitted to hospital for 3 months.

We had an argument, DH and SIL didn't say anything. The next day I messaged them and apologised. I said the most important thing was to concentrate on DH care and treatment and let everything else go. They both agreed.

DH had a 7 day hospital stay, I went everyday but BIL didn't visit once. Since DH has been home BIL has not offered any help. He does phone DH every day but no offer to take him out, visit etc. DH cannot drive at the moment or lift so everything has been down to me, including getting elderly PIL shopping.

Although I really don't want to spend time with BIL I'm increasingly getting angry at his treatment of me. I'm so confused why I am feeling this way because I don't like the man and it's a relief not to listen to him.

But I just don't know how to process my anger? And also if I'm justified? Any advice please?

My DH has asked me to do PIL shopping as BIL refuses to get them anything he deems to be unhealthy.
So I do it to make DH happy.

If I refuse to have them for Christmas then PIL won't come. I will be accused of ruining it.

Do PIL shopping online and have delivered. Maybe just for the junk food that BIL won’t buy. Maybe DH could do the ordering?

You can’t expect to host just part of the family at Christmas if they are used to being together. Either BIL and SIL host, or you do and get them all to contribute, or none of you do.

Is Christmas something you could ask for direct help with? "I have so much on my plate and barely keeping head above water. Could you (BIL and SIL) host Christmas this year?"

Or if that would be something they are unlikely to do, could you ask that they at least make a course or cook the meal or something in your place? Or even buy some ready-made stuff if they can't cook!

Sounds like irritation over many years building up, and a lot just falling on your shoulders and you're fed up with it and I totally understand that. Now you maybe feel less able to refuse extra tasks put on you than ever due to your DH's situation as he's dealing with so much and also can't help you as much.

I don't really see why you are being asked to shop for your PILs. Even if you BIL is insisting on buying them healthy stuff, is that so bad? If so, it's an argument they need to have with him. Is the online shopping and delivery not an option for the PILs? Your BIL could at least set this up for them and show them what to do?

You're not coping though.

Anyone would struggle to cope with what life has thrown at you the last few years.

You're going to have to learn to say no sometimes to protect yourself.

BIL will do the shopping, maybe not quite how PIL would like, but that's a conversation to happen between them.

Would it be the worst thing in the world to have an Xmas with just your dh and kids?

Your dh can't keep placing expectations on you and you can't keep placing expectations on BIL.

DH cannot drive at the moment or lift so everything has been down to me, including getting elderly PIL shopping.

My DH has asked me to do PIL shopping as BIL refuses to get them anything he deems to be unhealthy. So I do it to make DH happy.

Sorry, but you're being a martyr here. Tell your husband you have too much going on and you cannot take on anything else, and that includes doing his parents shopping. BIL will have to step up or they can have their shopping delivered. Your husband has to be reasonable.

Tbh I don't know what you expect.
You have known them for a very long time I assume since your son is now around 19/20? Has your son got a bad attitude? He met up with your son regularly.
He's messaging your husband, your husband seems satisfied with this.

From what I gather...you're very stressed and have had a rough few years and this is all directed at your BIL not acting how you want.

I've know my in laws since I was 14. So 21 years in total.
My husband has been seriously ill having seizures etc which has caused multiple dislocations/fractures operations whilst trying to find the reason for seizures and control them and has been in hospital for 1 week stays a few times over the past year.
He'd been too unwell for visitors mostly so his parents only came in once and his sister didn't visit at all. They messaged etc and my family were helping with our little one so I could focus on my husband.
Visiting basically consisted of me sitting holding his hand, giving him comfort and letting him rest and when he was more with it...our daughter coming into see him.
This doesn't mean they don't care for him....they love him, they are worried about him. They just don't know what to do in situations! They are stressed and worried...but don't show it or communicate it much! Is this not the same thing??
Because if it was the other way around I'm quite a practical person and would try and help in any way I could.

They don't have a dining table, their dining room is "the yoga room".

Im going to get this out of my mind and concentrate on my family. My DS suggested going away for Christmas but that is impossible with DH condition.

We can't go to PIL because although their house is massive it's filthy. I or my son could t eat there.

I definitely show signs of ADHD so I guess I have passed this down.

Yes, I think it's years and years of being belittled and treated badly has come to a head.

I don't think it was me that ruined DH last night. I didn't immediately shout at BIL, but I wasn't going to sit there in silence whilst he complained about my son.

BIL complains about how my son doesn't reply to text messages quickly enough, he is a teenager and hardly replies to anyone.

He also lectures us on everything, bought an electric car because of the environment but when I pointed out that he was a pilot he refused to see the irony.

Anyway, guess I'm just been using this to sound off. Going to book a session with my therapist to offload.

Thanks again for your replies and constructive criticism, as made me see things differently.

I think you're fixating on being angry with him because anger is an easier emotion than the fear you must be feeling about your DH. Not that I don't think he sounds a bit shit from some of what you're saying but I think he's a bit of a red herring here. I recognise this from my own feelings about my MIL. She's awful. But sometimes I get enraged with her for things that aren't actually that bad. She's an easy focus for anger because she's hurt and pissed me off so many times. I would work on detaching, realising he's not going to change, and not taking his behaviour so personally. This is SO HARD. But you need to do it for your own peace of mind.
Also, re Xmas, who CARES if you're painted as the one who ruins it? It's not your job to make everyone else's Christmas good and if they can't support someone who's going through these huge things when they say "I can't cope with this" then they're the shitty people, not you.
I would also ask him to take on the shopping. You don't have to martyr yourself. And it's not your responsibility if he won't buy the stuff they like. Let them sort that out amongst themselves. Let go of the sense of obligation!
(It is amazing how much easier it is to dish out this kind of advice than take it... but I swear I'm trying to do this stuff in my situation too! And making progress!)

Have a read of this website - no need to continue to suffer:

https://www.additudemag.com/self-test-adhd-symptoms-women-girls/

I also have ADHD - I now know that I have 'rejection sensitivity' and my emotional reactivity is slightly amplified - so I can percieve things off-kilter and trigger issues.

I now take ownership of that - I pause, react less, accept where I am at and adapt by responding less emotionally. Or letting things slide.

I am v sensitive to particular character types - over bearing, dominant - but I find it much more productive to keep myself away from these types and never lock horns. Life is much more peaceful.

Dont suffer in silence. ADHD gets much worse in peri & menopause

He lives 5 minutes away and doesn't work

How much 'support' is a phone call?

He sounds like a git but you're not going to change him, so you need to change your approach to him. He's not going to be a proper practical support to you and DH. Accept that and be grateful he's not around to further annoy you. Make it clear that you are no longer able to do PILs shopping and will not be hosting Christmas this year. Focus on your DH and his recovery, yourself and your children.

If they don't like it, so what? What can they actually do about it?

Exactly, thank you!

Most of the time it's to do with PIL and complaining about FIL (a whole other thread).

He seems to take delight in complaining about my children. My DD went to see her grandparents the other day straight from the gym. She had gym leggings on and a cropped gym vest.
He phoned DH and said " I hear your DD turned up half naked at mums".

Well, he's clearly a dickhead. Clearly enjoys making snarky comments.

So you either let it affect you or you just think, "Dickhead!", don't engage and walk away.

Or you spend the rest of your life pissed off.

BiL is clearly an arse- selfish, full of himself and an overall waste of space.

However, he isn’t the problem. Your situation is. You can’t host Christmas- maybe go to your family instead.
You can’t do PiLs shopping.

looks to me that your DH was the one to draw boundaries with BIL - especially if he is insulting your DCs. And you.

I understand that your DH is not in the position to change his behaviour now.

But its something that you should consider is very entrenched family dynamic since they were children - the bossy and condescending brother with the enabling parents and you DH (because you are effectively an enabler if you dont stand up for yourself - and even worse for your DW and DCs.

Maybe some of your anger at BIL is misplaced frustration with your DH?

They can have deliveries or pay a carer to shop for them - this is a good time to set some boundaries. As for Christmas then I’d not plan anything as you done know how things will be. Stop causing yourself extra stress.

Seriously at Christmas it's easy. You add everyone you normally have over onto a WhatsApp group. You then send them something along the lines of - I know everyone normally comes to us for Christmas and I love having all the family over, however it's been such a hard year that we are struggling with it. I won't be hosting Christmas this year - I will miss having you all over but if someone else could take the pressure off we'd all really appreciate it. Thanks for understanding guys.

Don't make it antagonistic- tbh I don't think BIL has done anything wrong - just make it civil, decent and not finger pointing. No one is going to respond to that negativity as it would make them look like a dick!

Practically speaking set up an online order for your in-laws. And start saying no to additional tasks where you can.

Your bil probably irritates you more because he spouts off about helping but doesn't actually do it in any meaningful way. It's all a pose.

BIL sounds DREADFUL. And has one of those personalities that it’s easy to focus your anger on. Because he’s dreadful. He’s making me angry just reading about him, and I’ve been pretty chilled today 😂

I think you need to leave your DH to manage his relationship with him, and you just ignore as much of his communication as is humanly / practically possible. Treat him like a stranger.

Practical solution for PIL shopping - get them to write you a list and do a once a week delivery online. Do it the same time every week, so it’s routine. Say this is all you can manage. If they’re unable to do much around the house or get out much, they need to be considering some sort of home help. Could you research if there’s any “girl Friday” type people local to them, that could help for a couple of hours a week? They could do a bit of tidying or a bit of shopping or run them to appointments sort of thing?

As for Christmas. I cannot believe they’re expecting you to host with everything you’ve got going on. Get DH to tell BIL & PIL that you won’t be doing it this year. You have too much going on, so you’re having a quiet one, just you and the DC. Suggest BIL gets his pert little gym crafted butt into gear and books himself, wife and PIL into a lovely restaurant for Christmas dinner. Surely if he’s a pilot he can afford something nice and (s)wanky.

Disengage as much as you can, utilise your therapist, find some space just for you.

Just stop engaging with him. He sounds like a prick and not someone you want to spend time with anyway.

I do think your expectations are too high as you have different family relationships and he'll never live up to them or want to.

You do need to stop taking on so much responsibility though. If there's a family group chat then put on there that you can't do PIL shopping and could twathead and wife please take over.

If he says stuff about your kids, don't reply or acknowledge it. Don't give him the fuel to keep going and know he's irritated you.

You must toughen up with him. It's up to your husband how he communicates with him but you don't have to suck up to him.

You are angry at BIL's behaviour. E.g. that he isn't more involved and supportive with DS when he spent one on one time with him. He's only an uncle. If I was BIL I'd stay away from you (and consequently DH), wondering why you were angry at me when you've had 18 years and haven't bothered to get an official diagnosis. You only think he has ADzhD and your DS is practically an adult now. It seems your anger is focused on the way wrong person.

Does that mean your pil said that? If he wasn't there then they must have described what your daughter was wearing.

@AzureSheep Thank you! You have made me laugh out loud!

@Daschund it was only after spending time in a psychiatric hospital with people with ADHD that I realised and the fact that DS therapist pointed some things out.

BIL spent little to no time with DS, he would arrange to meet him for 40mins at a coffee shop then usually cancel. Never once invited him to his house, DS would not feel comfortable talking in a coffee shop.

We have been invited to their house 2 maybe 3 times in 20 years.

@Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast they must have told him. But she was in her gym kit not some revealing dress. DD doesn't wear revealing clothes. Not that it matters but he likes to have a dig.

That’s actually really alarming that he is talking about a little girl as if she was a woman. I wouldn’t want to be around him at all ever.