Situation with BIL

[Mary243]

There is a huge backstory to my relationship with BIL but I'm trying to keep this as brief as I can.

BIL is a total narcissist, has been with his partner a long time but no children.

We have 2 DC, a few years ago my DS started to really struggle, he was very depressed and had an eating disorder.

He is a lot better now but still sees a therapist and I really believe he has ADHD.

BIL does not believe in ADHD and when DS was struggling he would offer to meet up with him. But it would be "I have a 45min window on Weds for a quick coffee".

A lot has happened in our family the last few years and BIL hasn't been supportive.

So, to my problem. My DH has been diagnosed with cancer. It's going to be a long journey of treatment and life changing surgery.

BIL is very concerned and has been involved with treatment plan and researching things.

In one phone call to me he said " I have been feeling so ill for the last few weeks worrying about this. I know you must be but after all he is my flesh and blood!"

We arranged to meet up with them for a meal just before DH first hospital stay. I must admit I had a few drinks (we had just been given some awful news). BIL began to complain about my son, I snapped and said I don't think he has been very supportive of him and he hadn't been supportive of me either. I had a mental health breakdown in 2022 just as DS was going to uni and was admitted to hospital for 3 months.

We had an argument, DH and SIL didn't say anything. The next day I messaged them and apologised. I said the most important thing was to concentrate on DH care and treatment and let everything else go. They both agreed.

DH had a 7 day hospital stay, I went everyday but BIL didn't visit once. Since DH has been home BIL has not offered any help. He does phone DH every day but no offer to take him out, visit etc. DH cannot drive at the moment or lift so everything has been down to me, including getting elderly PIL shopping.

Although I really don't want to spend time with BIL I'm increasingly getting angry at his treatment of me. I'm so confused why I am feeling this way because I don't like the man and it's a relief not to listen to him.

But I just don't know how to process my anger? And also if I'm justified? Any advice please?

Your BIL is an absolute arsehole with strong narcissistic traits, as you have correctly identified. I guess you are disappointed and angry that he can't even step up for his own brother - he's still making it all about him. In your shoes, I would be relieved that the trash took itself out. Your H is putting pressure on you around his parents. You have too much on your plate and you have to manage your own mental health and wellbeing so you can look after your husband. One way or another you will work out how to say no to unreasonable demands. It would be best if you learned it now because you're going to need to be assertive. You've had some good suggestions on this thread about how to tackle some of the issues. Try taking the plunge and experiment with doing things differently. I really do sympathise. You're in a very difficult situation.

@kittybiscuits thank you so much. I was beginning to think that I was the problem.

It means so much that it's not me x

@Mary243 - If I were in your shoes, I'd have a frank and honest conversation with your DH about what has happened over the past short while. You are still a partnership and just because he has had a terrible diagnosis of an illness doesn't mean that he is the illness now. He can still talk to his brother about how he spoke about his son, he can set expectations with his parents about shopping (I'd echo a suggestion about getting BiL to step up and do most of it but the stuff he won't buy, you'll arrange for an online shop for that, but that's it), and as for Christmas...well...you say you don't want to disappoint anyone but throughout all of this, you're running yourself into the ground here.

Someone will be disappointed but there are others that can and should step up so that the disappointment is minimised.

Why don't you try going away for Christmas so that no one has to cook and everything is cooked for you? Try a new style of Christmas - everyone looks after themselves for Christmas day and on Boxing day, you meet up?

You are a people pleaser, it's leaping out of your posts and at some point in the future, you'll snap (or they will) because you can't please everyone all of the time and they'll suddenly be cross that you are no longer able to dance to their tune. All of the above is said kindly as you have a lot on your plate at the moment and you just need to tackle one thing at a time.

Have a conversation with your DH though. I think a lot of the mental load of what is going around in your head will be halved and you will start to see the wood for the trees. Best of luck!

I’d lose my shit and tell BIL that EVERYONE’S avoiding him because HE hasn’t been fixed - and it’s about time that he realised that HE is the problem.

sorry about your DS and now DH.

You strongly dislike BIL and have said there’s a lot of backstory so it’s inconsistent of you to want him to do / say certain things and to want him around or interact a lot with him and SIL. You seem to want him to change which is unlikely.

Would leave DH to speak to him or if DH feels tired or unwell and you want to update the family use text rather than phone.

Holding my hands up - I haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to post as this hadn’t been mentioned on the first page…. Have you been in contact with MacMillan? They might be a great help to you with practical suggestions and listening when you are angry and upset. They’ve heard it all before.

It’s been years since they helped me but I doubt things have changed much. At that time I was furious with a lot of unconnected things that happened which in normal times I wouldn’t have been. I think I was diverting the rage I felt about the cancer to other things because it felt wrong somehow to be so angry when it wasn’t me that was suffering and the person who had cancer was being so brave.

Not saying your BIL being less helpful than he could be is unconnected to your husband’s illness. Just that maybe your anger towards him is mixed with and increased by your anger about the disease. Maybe he even understands that and it’s why he’s giving you space.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP, it’s a lot. Supporting those we love through dark times is hard.
From what you’ve said your BIL will never be the person you would like him to be. He won’t step up or live up to your standards or expectations.
The problems of the world or your extended family are not yours to solve. Christmas is not your responsibility. This year you are not up to hosting, be honest , if the INLaws don’t like it tough! This year is about getting better and relieving stress .
Your BIL rings everyday , in many families that’s a lot. My H is one of 7 children and they can go months without speaking despite living within a 15 mile radios- families are strange.
Do what you can do , but not what’s expected. If it’s too much to do your PILs shopping , don’t do it- there’s BIL and online shopping .
The world won’t stop because you are priorities are yourself , son and H.
Lower your standards and expectations OP because at the moment they are making you very unhappy

Ha ha I would love to, believe me!

@Lurkingandlearning I have been in touch with them, thank you. I actually spent an hour with them on Friday sobbing. It really helped and the lady was wonderful and kind.

I asked DH about Christmas, I don't think it will be possible to go away but he seemed open to going out for lunch. Going to discuss with the children this weekend.

I Think you are overwhelmed and it is clouding your judgement. You are wrong here and BIL is just living it isn't his responsibility any of it.