Is this the end ... ?

[CleverSloth]

So after a 13 month relationship, seeing each other ever fortnight due to childcare and not wanting to rush things with introducing kids due to past relationships.

We've been on holiday etc and have a holiday booked for a few months time.

Never really spoken about feelings just gone with the flow.

weve never had an argument or been stroppy towards each other before.

I've mentioned how I feel as sometimes I feel the relationship is one sided and instead of asking what's wrong ive been told I know where the door is because he's upset that I've questioned his love for me. Somewhat 1st argument and his response had really upset me.

Honestly never felt this way and didn't want to ruin things but I want to feel loved. We have banter towards each other and joke about things but the lovey dovey stuff just is non existent.

He's now saying I remind him of his ex and why can't I be happy and wants some time to think. I think he is unable to see what my problem is. And I don't want to make matters worse by saying I'm hurt by being compared to someone else.

So I've just said "ok, have a good evening. Speak soon" (I really don't like conflict or want to argue)

Have I done the right thing?

If you feel the relationship is one sided, he doesn't take your feelings into account, and he suddenly needs time to think, I think it's pretty clear that he's not as invested in this situationship as you are? Don't waste precious time, and don't try to be quiet about your feelings because you're worried about his! If he's not fulfilling you the way you need to be fulfilled, leave!

Sorry to hear you are feeling unloved. Surely the purpose of any relationship is to feel loved, supported and secure. You are clearly not getting this and when you tried to communicate this to your partner he shows you the door?
I’d walk out of it and not look back.

If anyone said i reminded them of an ex they would be blocked....

What a grump. Sorry you’re left questioning this relationship. Will it get better? Do you want it to be only on his terms?

He's had one sided relationships before which led to domestic abuse so has been scared to commit, and took 9/10 months of dating to agree to a relationship though fear of getting hurt.

He said ages ago the ex changed after he said I love you so doesn't say it often and doesn't show his feelings because he doesn't want to get hurt. I get it. But I'm not her! I've done my upmost to try to be careful not to trigger past emotions but it's come to a point where I want to see him more so will have to let my kids around him so I've asked how he really feels and he wants to run for the hills.

I know I deserve more. This is the first time I've dated after an 18 year relationship. So I didn't know what to expect. I love him, more than I ever loved my ex and willing to go the extra mile to make it work.

I just feel so down and it's hardwork knowing I've pretty much wasted a year of my life.

He lives nearly an hour away and I don't drive. Not due to see him for a fortnight and calls don't happen often as my kids are still awake when he goes to bed with being up early morning for work etc.

Don’t think of it as a waste!
surely the first 6-18 months of a relationship are about really getting to know each other once the mask slips a bit and the initial excitement fades, and to see if you’re compatible.

Communication and dealing with conflict are really important and take some time to show.

I’d be really sad about his response and that he was not willing or able to talk things through calmly and show concern about you being unhappy and want to try and make things better.

it sounds like it’s run its course. You would hope after 13 months there were deeper feelings and more “lovey dovey” stuff and that just hasn’t developed.

but you haven’t wasted time, it seemed promising initially so you invested time and energy.
but it’s important now that you face up to it and admit it’s not working for you before you get too enmeshed and entrenched in each others lives.

I just want him to be able to see things though my eyes instead of saying I'm hardwork and I will never be happy.

Been together this long and he never wants me to cook for him "wants time together rather than in the kitchen" so always orders food etc and wants to make sure I'm fed and watered. I'm never allowed to pay for it.

He says he pays for my food and we've been away. He holds my hand in public and always turns up every other weekend stays over. What more do I want.

I want to be told he's attracted to me, he's missed me or just something. I've spent months analysing whether it's romantic or platonic and just felt the need to say something. And now this heartache 💔

How did his previous relationships lead to domestic abuse?

I guess I knew this all along. Hes had 2 solid relationships in the past. And dated multiple women for a few months relationships here and there. Tells me he's ended every single one. I'm assuming that once they called him out on something he said the same and they left.

Stupid for being so niave and trusting this was the real thing.

I don’t want to be pessimistic but is it possible that what you are actually seeing is a guy who says his ex was crazy or abusive when in fact it could be maybe this man acts in a way that is unhealthy that you are now just finding out for yourself?

So many people come straight out of a relationship and jump into another one shifting the blame often onto an ex so not to work on themselves then go on to repeat the same cycle of attachment with someone new or who was waiting in the winds.

Then once the honeymoon period is over, you see who they really are and sometimes the stories you were told about their past, past relationships may just have been painting themselves in the best light.

I honestly think this is correct in this instant and have thought about that myself.

I feel that @thiscantbemylife is right in what they say , I just wonder if he's telling you that you're behaving like the crazy exs so you modify your behaviour and do as you're told and not question him .
He should still be loved up and be considerate of how you're feeling about the relationship .
It's hugely important to feel loved in a relationship and if you don't after all this time maybe it's not the relationship for you x

It sound like hard work….

I don’t think he is emotionally connected with you or can met your emotional needs.

stop blaming you’re self…. It’s his fault.

let him go and find someone that makes your life easier and is emotional in tune

Did he come straight out of a relationship into one with you? How did it happen?

If he came straight out of a relationship I am
sorry to say he probably hasn’t worked on issues from the relationship before and at worst has used you as an emotional buffer to dealing with it.

If he sees you regularly and you’re intimate why do you need him to say he’s attracted? Is there an insecurity, age difference or do you feel he’s out of your league? How long have you been single yourself? Maybe you need to work on yourself too your previous relationship was a long time and when a relationship like that ends it’s good to find yourself again or you feel you ‘need’ someone to validate you in that way. Saying a lot of this through going through similar myself.

Apparently she changed after a year and when he tried to leave their household he'd get locked in etc so he couldn't leave. So ended up staying for years. So I'm wondering if me being insecure and wanting more lovey dovey stuff is a trigger so he wants to leave before we live together etc. Fight or flight after abuse. I get it. I've been there. But there comes a time to try and break the cycle with a healthy relationship right?

No started speaking to me, 10 months after the relationship but met and dated 3 people in the interim.

The intimacy is one sided too. He likes to be cwtched and held etc but seems half assed when I have to ask to spoon ect cos he always wants to be the 'little spoon' I don't know. I think he is crying out to be loved and don't know how to show it back.

He says he never goes for looks anymore cos they are all just crazy (seeing the pics of many exs hes showed me for some reason i didnt ask, none are lookers lol) so I just want to know there is some attraction is there. Tells me he goes for personality.

I was in a relationship of 18 years. Very similar to what he is described from his ex. Single for 2 years prior to this.

So I'm wondering if me being insecure and wanting more lovey dovey stuff is a trigger so he wants to leave before we live together etc. Fight or flight after abuse.

No. Stop racking your brains to think of excuses for him. He's emotionally unavailable and you were honest about your emotional needs and that he's not meeting them. The minute you expressed a need he shut you down, told you 'you know where the door is', told you 'he needs time to think'.

All of this is manipulative head fuck abusive shit territory. Bin this guy off. He's training you to be terrified of challenging him and to just accept whatever crumbs he throws to you. I'll be honest - I raised an eyebrow over the fact that he doesn't allow you to cook, because it's wasting time you could be together. Who the fuck made him king of all decisions?

You gave it a go, but he's not for you. He's not capable of an adult conversation about where a relationship is going, or about feelings.

Are you sure he’s not using you? Are you more finically stable than him?

Him telling you he doesn’t go for looks anymore because they are all crazy then proceeding to show you pictures of exs he perceives to be more beautiful is absolutely fucked and triangulation at worst.

He said that as he’s with you so saying he doesn’t anymore is horrible and will no doubt have you questioning yourself and his attraction towards you. Ugh sorry throw this one back. He sounds like a child OP

Sounds like he thinks of you as a possession rather than a partner @CleverSloth. You're only there to meet his needs and perform in the manner he wants you to. His reaction to any discussion about how you feel indicates that he is the abuser.

Protect yourself and walk away before he damages your self esteem any further. He's already negging you about our looks and showing you pictures of his exs to make sure you feel he doesn't find you attractive.

Just over a year of fortnightly dating isn't a huge amount realistically, you deserve someone who has time for you and makes you feel loved. 💐

If he is causing you pain, and will not communicate with you to try and resolve things, then you are better off without him. 🫂

He's better financially stable than I am.

I just don't know what to do for the best. Because everything else seemed OK. And we have never had a row. All this seems a little dramatic for our first argument. Not even an argument really just a dismissal of how I feel.

I know deep down, if he really loved me he would want to put the effort in. But I guess maybe now he knows I'm not stupid he will try to find another mug.

He sounds avoidant OP dismissing your feelings. Saying he doesn’t go for looks whilst showing you pics of his exs.. If you add it all together there has been issues before this. He sees you fortnightly at most for a year it’s not progressing enough for you to feel emotionally safe and now you have stated how you feel, which you have every right too he has reacted badly.

You have got to the point of making a thread on the internet as his actions do not add up to you. Not even a year long is it? This is how these kind of people make you feel. Second guessing everything and then you become the fawning type trying to do the right thing by them.

After 18 years is this the relationship you hoped for? It sounds like you want someone who can communicate, make you feel wanted and cherished. Don’t want to burst your bubble as been there myself. But no amount of loving some guys will make them be able to communicate and validate your feelings if they are the type to avoid, shut down and shift blame. Like someone else said you are being conditioned to not question and accept bread crumbs.

Yep, I've been there before where my feelings were invalidated. I guess it just hurts that this time I thought it would be different.

I'll give it some time because atm he is pretty much amute and has gone into complete avoidance. So I've messaged and let let me know when you want to talk.

Ball is in his court now, but I will not roll over and be submissive. If he still don't want to acknowledge my feelings or even try to understand then I will have to let him slip away!

Let this one go OP. I’ve been there. You’ll hurt but will find someone who actually is able to live you the way you want and deserve. All those crazy ex women… I never once met one in my life 🤷‍♀️