Is this the end ... ?

[CleverSloth]

So after a 13 month relationship, seeing each other ever fortnight due to childcare and not wanting to rush things with introducing kids due to past relationships.

We've been on holiday etc and have a holiday booked for a few months time.

Never really spoken about feelings just gone with the flow.

weve never had an argument or been stroppy towards each other before.

I've mentioned how I feel as sometimes I feel the relationship is one sided and instead of asking what's wrong ive been told I know where the door is because he's upset that I've questioned his love for me. Somewhat 1st argument and his response had really upset me.

Honestly never felt this way and didn't want to ruin things but I want to feel loved. We have banter towards each other and joke about things but the lovey dovey stuff just is non existent.

He's now saying I remind him of his ex and why can't I be happy and wants some time to think. I think he is unable to see what my problem is. And I don't want to make matters worse by saying I'm hurt by being compared to someone else.

So I've just said "ok, have a good evening. Speak soon" (I really don't like conflict or want to argue)

Have I done the right thing?

Lots of red flags here, I know it’s upsetting but I’d get out and see this as a lucky escape.

Also, don’t waste more time with him just to justify the time you’ve already spent. That’s a fallacy.

You haven't wasted a year, you’ve said yourself you’ve enjoyed parts of it, so take it for what it has been.

It doesn’t sound like it is or will be fulfilling enough for you so personally I’d walk away and start seeking out a fulfilling relationship, the longer you stay the longer it’ll be until you are satisfied!

He’s not ready for a new relationship. You’re walking on eggshells. And honestly, it’s not supposed to be this hard this early on.

He is a walking red flag and I think you are the rebound.

Reading your posts @CleverSloth, it’s all about him, isn’t it? The food you eat when you are together, his past relationships, his feelings of fear, him wanting to be the little spoon. The holiday destinations…whose choice?

He’s not one for putting his needs/wants behind yours. Essentially, there is no compromise in this relationship. No middle ground. That’s why now that you have finally expressed your feelings, he has rejected them. All would be fine if your feelings matched his own. But he simply can’t or won’t see things from your perspective.

So I think you have 3 choices:

1. Finish with him and move on.
2. Accept that this is who he is and that your emotional needs will not be met in this relationship. Keep the relationship just as dating but with no real future in it.
3. Try to change him and the way he communicates. Regular arguments and angst mixed in.

By saying ball is in his court though you are allowing this. So when he’s in the mood he will pick you up again just to drop you at the first moment you make him feel uncomfortable. The cycle will be something like this, you have fun you start to want to progress things then express how you feel, he shuts down and avoids, you panic and he comes back when you’ve dropped it and ready to start the fun part again.

He will get back in touch and will probably talk about mundane stuff right? Or does he say hey I can’t talk about this right now but let’s fit this in later when I have time for you to discuss this and then does that? I’m going to guess not and he just avoids til you drop things.

Are you guys quite young? Does he have kids sorry if I’ve missed bits, what’s his background. I’m picturing a guy who’s probably recently single hung up on his ex and probably spouts venom about her to mask it and sadly using you as a comfort blanket instead of working through it himself.

Him showing you pictures why does he even have those to hand. It’s all not making him look good OP.

Hope you got some rest it’s no way to live it should be fun the first year not like this.

You remind him of the reasons she couldn't make him responsible and accountable.

All his exes are crazy?? Huge red flag. This is just the beginning. Run OP before he shows you his tentacles.

instead of asking what's wrong ive been told I know where the door is

He's now saying I remind him of his ex and why can't I be happy

he never wants me to cook for him "wants time together rather than in the kitchen" so always orders food

he always wants to be the 'little spoon'

He says he never goes for looks anymore cos they are all just crazy

saying I'm hardwork and I will never be happy.

atm he is pretty much amute and has gone into complete avoidance

He seems extremely black and white and like he needs to have everything exactly his own way or he will sulk or take control.

Men like this are not a good bet for a relationship. I'd take the lesson and leave him behind.

I’ve been here too op and it’s very painful. I recommend reading about attachment styles. Thais Gibson is good. People can change if there’s willingness on both sides to make a big effort, although only you can decide whether he’s meeting your needs enough to keep going.

I’ve only read your first post so far but:
🚩🚩🚩 ‘banter’ 🚩🚩🚩

To me, banter is a huge red flag, as it often replaces serious conversation between two people. It sounds like you have fallen into the banter trap with someone who is unable/unwilling to have meaningful conversations or offer you any security. It’s all on his terms and he doesn’t want you to have any agency, and he doesn’t care about you enough to reassure you. You’ve really just got into a friends with benefits situation so if you want more, it will have to be with someone else. Try and find someone who communicates in a language other than banter.

I never believe men who mention a string of crazy exes. Sounds suspicious to me.
When you add in all the rest of it, it sounds like this relationship has run its course, and he's not going to commit to you.
I'd bin him off personally.
Sorry, OP. I can tell you're upset.

You are an hour apart and you don’t drive , maybe the travel is getting to him after a year

What drives you that you want such a project, such a fixer-upper in this man?

Do you have a need to feel needed? Have you been taught your value only comes through pleasing and looking after others (particularly men)?

This guy isn't very nice to you, and he's negging you with the "I don't go for looks" stuff.

I don't think this is at all a healthy relationship for you.

He might need therapy and whatever, but that's his stuff to deal with. Not yours. Relationships aren't therapy.

He sounds like someone who's got low self esteem and lots of issues. He isn't ready for relationship. Don't waste your time. The outcome is bleak here and you'll be hurt.

So in the 10 months after splitting with his ‘crazy ex’ he had 3 short term relationships then met you?

That’s enough of a red flag for me that this bloke can’t stay single long enough for the bed to go cold but doesn’t want actual commitment.

As a PP said it’s all about him. Ask yourself why you’re jumping through hoops and bending over backwards for him when he’s giving very little in return.

I think you need to forget the sunk costs and walk away before you waste any more time on the avoidant man.

Yes, I think you're so busy thinking how to "save" him that you're not seeing who he actually is clearly.

Oh I read that as OP had casually dated a few guys before him.

But yeah I see this so much with people who are dating no one wants to take time to heal and will often monkey brunch to one person to the next assuming everyone they have been with is the problem.

I learnt the hard way I have yet to actually come across an ex being the crazy one and always found it be in the end that they had a normal human response to being treated badly by often an individual who lacks accountability and compassion.

He's got anxiety but tries to big himself up, always calling himself handsome and recently told me good luck with what you want to find in a man because it doesn't exist. He thinks he's the best at everything and can't deal with being told otherwise.

Yep, 3 short term relationships. One lasting 4 months apparently. So that only gives 6 months to heal and date 2 others. So clearly can't be single.

He says he don't need a woman but wants one. I think I've come to realise he wants all the relationship things (out for food, staying over, intimacy) without the emotional and the deep talks.

It's going to be rough but in all honesty I'm glad I've picked up on this negativity now and not when we've moved in together. At least atm I have my own house and I'm not trapped if you get me?

I think you're right.

I am nothing like this ex though was very much superficial and wanted everything. High maintenance. He knows all I've done is be supportive and show him love. So actually if he wants to be treated like shit that's up to him. But I'm not down for that drama.

That's not anxiety that's narcissistic behaviour.

Whatever it is you are looking for in a man, it exists. It definitely doesn't exist in this one though.

That’s what he’s told you about his ex but i guarantee steel’s a very different story

I dated a guy for a couple of years who told me similar about his ex. I’ve since met her socially and her version of events could not be more different and actually fits with my experiences. He’s apparently told his latest one I was a high maintenance drama queen painting himself as a perfect partner rather than a gaslighting cheating twat.

Its funny how all these man claim to have abusive drama Queen exes - when they’re the common denominator

My ex says I'm a drama queen. I think it's just the way life goes after break ups. Can't work on the problem just the blame game. I can't stand it.

Both take responsibility for what happened and move on and try not to act that way again. Relationships shouldn't have the same resentment from one to the next. It's just that simple.

I don’t think OP is aware she is in triangulation.

She doesn’t know the ex but what he has told her I will assume and she is saying she is nothing like her, she is high maintenance and wanted everything. How does she know that? Maybe the ex also got nothing but crumbs too.

Then what does he do spouts venom about her and at first probably said stuff like wow you’re nothing like my ex you are so special then at the first sight of the OP wanting to discuss things which is a healthy and normal thing, he says she reminds him of his ex. It’s a threat of behave or I’ll leave you like I did my ex.