Divorced with children, hard to accept I'll probably be single forever

[bemoreassertive]

All the advice is that when you divorce with children, the focus should be on the kids and being fulfilled as a single woman - and I am striving to life this way, and I am so much happier than when I was miserably married.

But part of me that feels sad that as a 40-something divorced mother I'll likely never again experience romantic and sexual love (not that I experienced it in my awful marriage!) But I do have previous relationships to compare it to, I know how it can feel.

How do other women reconcile to the reality of very likely being single forever? (those women who in an ideal world would like to meet a lovely man - I know lots of divorced women would never want another relationship)

All the advice is that when you divorce with children, the focus should be on the kids and being fulfilled as a single woman

I don’t know where you’re reading this. But it wouldn’t be my advice. Yes you're a mum but you’re also a woman and there’s absolutely no reason not to try dating when you feel ready.

Your DCs’ needs should come first whenever possible, but their whims should not. And you don’t need to martyr yourself to make them happy. Happy mum = happy kids so you should also be looking to build a life for yourself. They won’t be young forever - mine are late teens/young adults now and are barely at home. I’m not sitting around waiting for them to get home so that I can dote on them. I’m 50 with a long term relationship under my belt since I split with their dad 12 years ago. Currently dating again and enjoying my life as a woman not just a mum.

I wish I knew.
I've resigned myself to being single now. I just don't see how it can happen for me again now.
Late 40s, with two kids who will need me most of the time for at least another 4-5 years.
There are no decent single men my age who don't want a woman 10 years younger.
I won't date a geriatric and I'm nobody's nurse with a purse.
Even if there was a man who wanted me, I don't have the time with work and the kids.
It makes me really sad actually.

Reconcile?

I bask in the wonderful peace of being single. I love it. No desire to be in a relationship ever again.

My BF is 4 years younger than me. Last DP was the same age as him too.

FWB I had last year (and who regularly messages to see if I’m single again!) is 10 years younger.

i’ve read the same as you tbf op, i’m a lone parent and i’ve been single and celibate for 7 years, if i so much as talk about having sec again i’m told to concentrate on my kids! i’m 35 and have been celibate for 7 years don’t know many 35 year olds that haven’t had a sexual relationship in 7 years but it’s like i’m expected to accept that’s my lot now even though i didn’t choose to be single should add no signs of that changing for many years!

How old are you though? Just asking because if your username. @SnowflakeSmasher86

I’m 50, overweight and not particularly well off! I have a nice face and I’m generally quite kind and caring, so I have that on my side, but I’m no trophy that’s for sure!

(Not born in 86 - it’s a song reference.)

Who’s telling you this nonsense? Will focus is always on kids no matter if you are divorced or not, you should have a life.

Thanks all for your thoughtful responses.

@SnowflakeSmasher86 That's the steer, both on mumsnet and IRL as@Clumsy12345 says. The view is that it is selfish/idiotic to want another relationship, while also pathetically unrealistic to think you'll ever find someone.

I had one very short fling with a younger man which was good for my self-confidence in the short term, but in hindsight it was poignant as he of course was looking for someone younger without kids (not that I wanted to be in a relationship with that particular man, but it just underlined that very few men would want to be in a relationship with me)

And I do have standards, as @Autumnblackberries mentioned - so it's definitely not any man at any cost!

@Autumnblackberries @Secondstart1001

Actually, the more I think about it, the more it's my family and some of my friends who tell me this, rather than mumsnet....

Who is telling you this? You are only 35!

Of course, your kids are your focus. But it doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship. It’s more that any relationship needs to fit around you and your kids lifestyle.

get yourself on the dating apps. Although it’s like the Wild West at times. There are nice men out there who want to date someone about their age.

I'm 33 and feel I will be single forever. I just don't have time for dating and don't feel I will ever be able to get back into dating if honest.

I've had shit experiences with men and I've lost faith. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why are you paying any attention to these people? Of course you can have another relationship if that’s what you want. Loads of people remarry after divorce, or date casually and don’t introduce their kids. I divorced in my thirties with three young kids and let someone else a few years later. I have friends who have similar experiences. Obviously it can take time and effort to meet someone new but it’s absolutely possible.

Dont worry, my mum is the one that makes me feel guilt if it’s my childfree weekend and I’m going on a short break away with my dp. I was just over 40 when I got divorced and met my dp, You don’t have to take things fast, move your partner in ect. I still haven’t done this as I don’t think it would be fair on my dc who are 13 and 18.But you can have a life .., do your kids go to your exes?

So, single mum here for last 17 years. Obviously not found a lasting relationship in all that time, despite the effort. Had some fun along the way though. Not sure if the emotional ups and downs were worth it, the sex was though.
I suppose keeping your DC's out of it and also using OLD to find people, it's no surprise that things don't last - poor quality on there. I've had a few 2-3 year relationships and some shorter flings. Is it essential to have a relationship? I'm less sure the older I get. No harm with a bit of fun on the side of main life whether it does or doesn't turn into a big thing doesn't really matter either way.

@Secondstart1001 yes they do go to their dad’s.

So I could go on dates in theory, I just don’t think I could mentally. weirdly I’d feel guilty and ashamed, that it would be something I’d have to keep secret (my mother is a great believer in guilt and martyrdom!)

plus of course the painful reality of aging and the dating pool - I have no idea how I’d find someone

Where on earth are you getting this from?! It’s nonsense. If you want to date and find someone else the chances are good that you will. Lots of people choose not to date, for many different reasons, and that’s fine too but being divorced and / or having children absolutely does not mean you are destined to be alone forever if that isn’t what you want.

I have been married twice. I met my now dh when dd was 5, we met online. We’ve been together 14 years now.

i’ve had it on mumsnet and other parenting online sites (facebook etc) my children don’t see their father and i don’t get time “off” from parenting so i asked for advice on how to date as a full time lone parent and how i can make it work as i can’t be the only one in this situation but got told not to and to concentrate on my children.

I can only say that I do not know how divorced women do it but they seem to find new partners easily. Even more than single childless women. It is what I see all the time. Do not loose hope but never put a man before your kids. Give yourself time and space. You are very young.

I split from my husband at 39. I was never a dater before. We met when I was 17 and he was 22 and i married at 22, him 27. We had 3 kids. When we split I was quite sure as I didn't use dating apps or want blind dates that I'd be alone a long time till someone amazing possibly came along. Kids were 4 10 and 14 at the time. I actually started chatting more to a widower at footy practice who had a son who was friends with my oldest child. We went on a date after about 4 months and hit it off. Kept it quiet from the kids for a year...Fast forward another 11 years and we get married in 5 weeks time! Apparently he had fancied me for 5 years but knew I was married. Who knew! I don't have a type tbf and a lot of people were surprised but he is absolutely what I needed then and what I need forever. Keep the faith! I really believe there is someone amazing out there for everyone.

@Pigeonqueen to give an example of where I get it from, both my sister and my SIL often talk about what will happen when my ex meets someone (and good luck to that woman 😉) It is taken as a given he will meet someone and that I won’t.

If I said to them “I’d like to meet someone eventually ” it would be a record scratch moment and not in a good way!

It’s all very well
saying ‘well, you meet someone if you want’ but unless you’re a desperate ‘I will lower my standards & just take anyone’ you’re pretty much left with Donald Trump or someone from the Inbetweeners. I had many gorgeous & lovely boyfriends in my 20’s but the choice in your 40’s is absolutely not the same. I see my friends convincing themselves they’ve got a good ‘un when in reality they’re settling.

Sorry not much help op!🤣

Oh ignore that- it’s all nonsense! I have lots of single parent friends who date or have found new partners.

are your kids at school? Could you manage a few first dates having a coffee during the day, or lunch?

have you heard of Frolo? It’s an app for single parents and does meet ups. They do have a dating section, but is mainly good for arranging social events for all single parents.

its a nice way to meet single parents in your area. Could be good place to meet other single mums in same boat. You could maybe arrange babysitting swaps once you get to know them.

also, nice way to meet single dads too!

I split with my ex husband when I was 36. I've been in a relationship with my current partner for five years now - I only stay at his house when my kids are at their dad's (usually every other weekend) and he never stays at mine when my kids are at home. We'll also see each other once or twice a week when the kids are at school (depending on work).
My children are absolutely my first priority and my partner's children are his. We don't have any plans to live together until the kids are grown up.
We have a great, committed relationship but are both first and foremost parents to our own children.
I think you can absolutely dip your toe into casual dating and I wouldn't even tell your sister and SIL unless you meet someone you really like and it turns into anything more serious.
I kept my relationship quiet for a few months and he didn't meet my kids for 5 months!