Divorced with children, hard to accept I'll probably be single forever

[bemoreassertive]

All the advice is that when you divorce with children, the focus should be on the kids and being fulfilled as a single woman - and I am striving to life this way, and I am so much happier than when I was miserably married.

But part of me that feels sad that as a 40-something divorced mother I'll likely never again experience romantic and sexual love (not that I experienced it in my awful marriage!) But I do have previous relationships to compare it to, I know how it can feel.

How do other women reconcile to the reality of very likely being single forever? (those women who in an ideal world would like to meet a lovely man - I know lots of divorced women would never want another relationship)

Aside from the whole "motherhood martyr" angle, I'd say it is very hard to meet someone as you get older.

Early 50's here & single for 5 years - the first 3 were voluntary & then I've been trying OLD, social events, speed dating.

It's all very painful with a very small dating pool & lots of awful men.

It's ok for people to say "get a hobby" but when you have majority care of dependant children, time is a major factor.

Agree with this.

My partner is 12 years younger (30/42) and we’ve been together 2.5 years. He’s brilliant with my kids - yesterday he had my two and three of their friends clustered round him making AI pictures so I could have a bit of time to chat with friends.

my observation is there’s quite a swing in how men a bit younger view women. Much more of an expectation about careers and sharing the jobs around the house rather than the default position of the gen X man

No reason you can't date and have romance, fun and a sex life.

I'd be very slow about turning it from more than dating because of the kids, because blending families or having a stepdad can be so difficult and risky.

But there's a huge middle ground where you can be a sexual being and still ringfence your children's happiness and security.

@category12 “there's a huge middle ground where you can be a sexual being and still ringfence your children's happiness and security”

yes, that middle ground is what I would want ideally (if anything in my situation can be described as ideal)

i cannot imagine a world in which I’d want to bring my children into a blended family, though I know it works out for some.

my ex is an arse, but he’s a hands on dad and we both prioritise the kids.

it’s about a desire to fill the “woman with a pulse” 5% of me when I don’t have the kids, with 95% of me spent on my mummy/ career/friend/daughter role

I think it is absolutely possible to put yourself and your children first AND enter into a new fulfilling relationship. Is it easy no, but
Yes it's possible.

I met someone and we have both put our children first, we are incredibly committed and are homeowners together but live between two properties. This will evolve as the kids age and as our relationship dynamic changes as a result.

I think a lot of the rhetoric you are referring to comes from people who rush headlong into new relationships referring to them as their new partner after 3 weeks of dating.
You have done 3 years of that and you now know what that life looks like and it's absolutely fine to want something different in the future. Its interesting that most of the people giving this advice have walked a very different path.

Sorry it must have been another poster! Well in that case the only thing holding you back are your own prejudices and those of your family! Honestly people also judge women who never get together with anyone else. You're judged whatever you do! Just have fun in life, you only get one!

Don’t lose heart , I was a single parent for 5 years , than I met dp at a friends child’s birthday party ! We had to do a lot of daytime meet ups , as my ex has nothing to do with dd.

I was single for 4 years before I started dating again, I’m 43 and have been with my BF for 8 months, my dc and ex don’t know as they don’t need to yet. My advice would be to try online dating, dip your toe into the water, don’t take it too seriously and see what you think, tell trusted friends what you’re up to but no one else as you don’t need people who meddle to know until you want them to.

43, two kids, one disabled (i'm his carer) i'm disabled, and been 'single' for 7 years.

I am not however 'celibate', been enjoying a FWB/kind-of-poly situation for about 18 months and enjoying it immensely. He's with someone who is trans and asexual, and we have occasional permission to enjoy a weekend together every couple of months, works for all of us. <shrug>

I don't want another partner, living with one isn't ever going to happen again i like and need my space, and no-one really wants a full on long-term dating situation.

Online dating terrifies me, they're all awful locally and no-one wants the plus sized, disabled goth with 2 kids!

No advice, but definitely empathy.

I've been a single parent for a few years now and whilst it was a hard adjustment, I have a great bond with my kids, healthy career, settled home and life.

As I'm stong willed and come across as confident, my family and friends assume I'm happily single. Like you, I feel ashamed for wanting to fulfil that "5%" part of me, and not really sure why. Fear of failure perhaps.

I majorly stumbled unexpectedly last week after my first date in years when I really liked the guy. No spark, from his perspective, and he was really decent about it - but sent my self-esteem plummeting in private as he's the only man I've met in years who I felt open to. The (very) few others have been younger men, where I needed something physical, didn't want anyone to know about it, felt guilty, was probably working through some twisted destructive post-divorce esteem crap etc

If I'm absolutely honest, it probably got my hopes up that I won't be alone forever and get eaten by cats....😂

Even 3 years post divorce can be an emotional roller coaster. I hope you do try dating as at least it will keep life interesting and rich in experiences, even if they're ones you only want to try once 😂

Good lord OP, you need new friends! I'm a single parent to 2 Dc, been divorced about 3 years. My friends and family have been encouraging me to get back into the world again, so I joined Hinge. I'm now dating a much younger man and having a ball. I'm 49.

I’m mid 40s, divorced and have been single for over 3 years now. I’m not against dating though, my children are teens, oldest doing a-levels so I’m not hands on caring and get free time. What stops me is the serious lack of decent available men! I haven’t been able to locate any, I’m average looking, getting older, not much money so I’m not saying that I’m a great catch. The men are probably saying the same lol.

@DownIntheDumpingGround Your post resonated with me so much - I hope you manage to bounce back soon