Divorced with children, hard to accept I'll probably be single forever

[bemoreassertive]

All the advice is that when you divorce with children, the focus should be on the kids and being fulfilled as a single woman - and I am striving to life this way, and I am so much happier than when I was miserably married.

But part of me that feels sad that as a 40-something divorced mother I'll likely never again experience romantic and sexual love (not that I experienced it in my awful marriage!) But I do have previous relationships to compare it to, I know how it can feel.

How do other women reconcile to the reality of very likely being single forever? (those women who in an ideal world would like to meet a lovely man - I know lots of divorced women would never want another relationship)

It's difficult isn't it. I'm 38 and feel the same. Realistically any half decent man my age would have his pick of women, and he would choose a pretty, slim 30 year old with no kids. And I wouldn't blame him.

I just try not to think about it. Sometimes I almost panic, I feel like I can't breath knowing that I'll live the next (hopefully) 40 years and die without getting a hug or kiss ever again.

I think women are conditioned to think of a relationship as Meet, fall in love, move in together, marry, live happily ever after and become each others soulmates for the rest of our lives.

I think redefining what a successful relation looks like can help you to find what you are seeking.

When I split up, my children were my focus when they were with me but without them, I was my focus. I became quite happy with almost part time relationships and set my stall out straight away. I didn’t want to see people 7 days a week and didn’t want someone to move in with me or me with them whilst my children were young (They were 12/10 at the time of the split). For me a good relationship looked like this. A day or two in the week of meeting up, a full weekend every other week, messages/calls etc.

I met a few people who ticked this box and who had children themselves. We had fun and it worked out for a while with each before these relationships ended. I then met a guy who had older children at Uni when my two were now 18/16. The eldest at Uni and the youngest at college. We had the same type of relationship until my youngest went off to Uni. We now have a relationship where we see each other more often but to keep the spark alive, we live in our own homes and see each other perhaps once or twice in the week and at weekends. It’s easily the best relationship I have had as it always stays fresh. It’s nonsense that you have to follow the norm to have a happy life. 3/4 nights with a partner and 3/4 nights off to do whatever you want is an absolutely fantastic model, believe me.

You’re only 38! With all due respect and sympathy, it’s a bit dramatic to think you’ll never be kissed again (this would be the case whatever your age tbh). Have you actually tried dating? I think you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised.

There’s no reason you can’t date and find love again. Your mum and sister aren’t in charge with how you live your life. But blended families aren’t easy. So I stay single! Only 2yrs until my youngest is 18 so perhaps in the future but I didn’t want to bring anyone into their life but many do and are happy.

Not having to put up with a man’s shit is a bloody gift. I’ve never met one who isn’t deeply entrenched in misogyny - even the good ones.

Get yourself a FWB (or two) and bask in the glow of having great sex and your own castle, and your own control over it.

I am a plump 47 year old divorcee with one DD13 who has ASD. I got divorced 6 years ago and have dated since. I had one rocky 3 year relationship with a guy in his early 50s. After him I met my current DP who is 48, never married and no kids, proper geek (as am I). He moved in few months back and I’ve never been happier and surprisingly my daughter is delighted to have him here. He is fun and easygoing.

You don’t need to go full nun now you are single. Just make sure you don’t introduce them to the kids too early and keep you blended household expectations real low. If you have EOW free you’ll find lots of middle aged men happy to date you on those weekends and not ask too much more.

@Zanatdy i don’t date to create a ‘blended family’. I date to have a nice time and enjoy myself (and make an emotional connection) after years of marriage. As @Jax78 said above, there are different ways to have relationships, it dosent have to be marriage or even living together.

It doesn't bother me. I've been on my own for over a decade. I don't have a social life, just work, DCs and keeping fit. My brain doesn't have the space for anything else.

Yes at first, make sure they are settled and you need to be ready too but then you can do whatever you want. The children leave home too. I met dp at 46.

I would start getting you family used to the idea that you can and will find a new partner. I'd say things like "when I start dating again" or "when I meet someone". You need to signpost that they have to stop telling you this bullshit. Of course you want to have sex in the next forty years!
I, personally, wouldn't be husband hunting. I'd want to find a man, maybe a couple of men even, for FWB, non serious fun/nights out/sex. Because frankly that is more fun and convenient when you're short on time. Don't worry, even the most casual thing feels like a relationship when you're busy. You don't have to subscribe the what your mum thinks, or even what society thinks you want.
Also, work on getting your weight down as I think it's holding you back by what you wrote and now you are single you control your diet.

I’ve never heard this. Sure if the kids are baby/toddler age you’ll likely not have the time or energy to find someone new but I wouldn’t just accept that you’re going to be alone forever. Do whatever makes you happy, don’t worry about what you think other people are thinking.

Pls stop listening to this misogynistic hogwash OP!

No one tells single dads this. They are encouraged to find a partner!

People tried this crap with me when my husband died, I was similar age to you, with young children. Whereas no one suggested my widower mates should be alone.

Glad I ignored them. I had one two year relationship (he didn't get involved with the kids) and now have DP and we are a blended family.

This is pure misogyny. Ignore them and do what YOU want.

No one tells single dads this. They are encouraged to find a partner!

This is completely missing the point. A single dad looking for a partner could easily find one. Probably a much younger one without kids.

Well get a babysitter then.

Unless the people advising you to stay single and focus on the kids have been in that situation themselves then don’t listen to them, it’s your life so do what you want not what others are telling you.

That being said it is obviously important to put the kids first to a degree and provide some stability for them and yourself.

Im not sure what all the stigma is regarding age gaps, if you meet someone older or indeed younger then so what.

Don’t be hung up thinking you will be single forever, I think that’s unlikely, but it depends if / how you want to put yourself out there.

I wouldn’t be discouraged by the negativity of your family. You sister / sil are not single but if they were, I bet my arse they would try and get into a relationship.
It’s ok not to share your personal life with your kids. You don’t have to tell them and I only introduced my dc after two years. I spend my childfeee weekends and weeknights with dp and that’s actually quite alot of time, He has dc too so sometimes we will do an activity all together with my youngest dc when we have our kids on the weekend.
I was lucky enough to meet my dp online when I was just over 40. He’s 5 years younger. I would say to you that if online dating is a bit too much for you then join some hobby / interest groups and try and meet someone organically. Don’t condemn yourself to a solitary life and deprive yourself of the companionship / love and sex that you need for your emotional well being. Like most posters I kind of compartmentalise my life, it works plus my dc will always come first.

So many kind and useful comments in this thread, thanks everyone

Perhaps I do need to think about my own biases, and be a bit more optimistic (without compromising too much!)

Good luck to all the other single mums out there, it isn’t easy!

Although @Plumedenom I think you have me mixed up with someone else - I really don’t need to get my weight down, I have a fabulous figure! 😂 😉

I know two women aged 44 and 45 who have partners aged 60 and almost 60 (59 I think)
The first woman has a grown up boy and the second one has 3 kids all under 16. She's married him.
I'm just like why???
In both cases these are beautiful women ( more attractive than me I'd say) but neither of them have much in the way of financial stability.
Therein lies it
I can cope financially on my own. I definitely don't want an old man and attractive guys my age wouldn't want to date me with my 48 year old figure and 2 kids. I'm average I'd say.
Sadly getting used to it (reluctantly)

If you want to date, you can absolutely date as a single parent. But you just need to keep what's best for your children in for forefront of your mind whilst they are young. I dated after my split but I soon came to the conclusion that life is simpler on my own and now I will have casual flings but I'm not interested in a full blown relationship currently.

I had my kids at age 37 and 41. Donor sperm (long story) so I was single from the start. Started online dating at age 48. Met my current partner (same age as me) soon after, and we’ve been together 8 years. We don’t live together, and I continue to put my children first.

You won’t necessarily be alone for ever.

I'm in my 40s, have my DC 100% & have been with OH (30s) for nearly 2 years, he has his DC 50% - we have no intention to blend families or live together until they are grown-up...We see eachother about once a week, we make it work for us...There is hope!

I didn't feel I wanted any men in my life when DS was growing up. He had uncles and friends of mine as role models
They are only young once. I met someone and got married when he left home. It's never too late.

Just telling you my story ...

At 46 my husband suddenly walked out of our lives without warning - into the home of the OW of whom I had no idea about. Usual story!

I then had two DC, a DD aged 14 and a DS aged 11. I made the decision not to get involved with anyone as often with kids at home and it often doesn't end well. Their father never had them overnight so there was no opportunity anyway.

The three of us were very bonded - we had some great holidays together.

Fast forward 13 years to now. I retired last year (I know - very very lucky that I had a good job) . The DC have grown into lovely adults who have secure jobs and nice partners.

I finely had time for me so joined a dating agency and have met a lovely new partner. After being celibate for 12 years that streak was broken and subsequently repeatedly so! This was after me saying I'd never live with another man.

Your life is not yet over!

I don’t think I ever reconciled to it, but I did put my kids first, our home and worked really hard on my career and I’m so lucky now to be in a job I love that it pays well.

Now my kids are 17&13yrs I can leave them at home so have slipped back in to the world of dating have a boyfriend of a few months. We went out for the afternoon yesterday which was so nice and then kids announced they were both out too.

What I would say is learn to cut out what other people say. My friends are very nice but I don’t need dating advice from people who are happily married and have no idea what being a lone parent is like on a dating app.