Divorced with children, hard to accept I'll probably be single forever

[bemoreassertive]

All the advice is that when you divorce with children, the focus should be on the kids and being fulfilled as a single woman - and I am striving to life this way, and I am so much happier than when I was miserably married.

But part of me that feels sad that as a 40-something divorced mother I'll likely never again experience romantic and sexual love (not that I experienced it in my awful marriage!) But I do have previous relationships to compare it to, I know how it can feel.

How do other women reconcile to the reality of very likely being single forever? (those women who in an ideal world would like to meet a lovely man - I know lots of divorced women would never want another relationship)

Well one way to guarantee you won’t meet anyone is to give up the apps, stop looking and never leave the house.

I think you sound a bit jaded after being let down. It can be very demoralising. Why don’t you just give yourself 6 months off from trying to find love? Spend that time doing things you enjoy, spending time with people you like and being good to yourself.

then get back into it with renewed vigour..

I think I have seen your posts before. People try and suggest ways you can date - babysitters, their dad stays over, and so on but you dismiss them all. Didn’t you consider getting back with him because you didn’t want to be single any longer?

I don’t think that’s true at all. But I do think some women are too quick to write off younger men, thinking they don’t want anything serious etc when actually many do. My dh is 8 years younger than me. When I was looking to date people there’s no way I would have been considering men in their 40s or 50s. I already had enough difficulties with my ex I didn’t want to date someone with an ex of their own and add that into the mix.

My view is i'd much much rather be a single woman in my 40s cos let's face is most men are a shower of shite. So.many women I know end up being like a Nurse to.men as they get older. I want my own house and space don't want it filled with someone's crap, I don't even want anyone else sharing my bed. If I was lucky enough to meet someone nice I would never ever let someone move into.my home (learnt that the hard way) I like the idea of going on dates and days out but only if it was someone really nice. I'm a heterosexual woman but honestly most men just repulse me.

yes because having my ex stay over and babysit in my house whilst i date is really a realistic option anyway i have no contact with him anymore and neither do the kids and haven’t for 18 months.

@StarDolphins
Donald Trump or the Inbetweeners! 😂you’ve made my night!

@Verydemure thank you, but I’ve explained badly - I’ve not been looking for love, rather I have been focussing exclusively on my kids, myself, my job, making new friends etc- but I’ve done that for three years and now I’m coming to terms with the fact that as fulfilling as this single life is, it doesn’t include a romantic partner and is never likely to.

I think sometimes when you find you find yourself single after a long term relationship you can’t imagine having the confidence to date or to get to know someone new so you say to yourself’ I can’t do that, it’s not fair on the kids’ or ‘people wouldn’t approve’ when actually it’s just a lack of self- confidence.

You are definitely "allowed" to date and have fun.
You might need to define "successful relationship" in a different way that matches your new stage in life. There is a huge range of options, from a fun FWB who is totally detached from your regular life, all the way to the opposite extreme of a remarriage. Work out what will really work for you, but without family pressure or other people's definitions of a success.
Definitely your kids are your priority! But it doesn't mean you can't have other relationships, actually I think you should do.

@Malcevine yes, lack of self confidence is part of it. But also I think a sense of realism?

i would want someone kind ,intelligent, witty, and frankly good looking in good physical shape - and those men do exist, but in their 40s they are all either married (happily or otherwise) or looking for younger women (I’m 44)

My boyfriends have all been 6-9 years younger than me too & (mostly!) been great & lovely. I just find now, they’re either old looking for someone young or the ones younger just seem (to me, anyway) like teenage horny pervs!

Maybe I need to join the library or the running club!

Do you have any child free time? @bemoreassertive?

my dc go to their dads every other weekend. I have a lovely boyfriend who I see on those weekends and a couple of times a week in our lunch hours when we’re both wfh. He has his son all the time so I have met him.
now we’ve been together a year he and his son have met my dc and we occasionally do stuff together if they’re ok with it but by and large I keep it separate from them. It works for us

Sounds similar to my relationship and we've been making it work for five years - I honestly can't see myself living with a partner again for a very long time!!

I'm with you, OP. While no one in my family is going to judge me for wanting to find companionship, sex, after my divorce, I haven't found any so far. Registered on a couple of OLD sites for the past couple of months and haven't had any success finding the sort of people I had hoped I would find. On one of them- only much older men 10 seem to show any interest (and they also seem to look very old, loosely employed etc.)

I need to be ruthless in sifting through profiles since very time poor - intense job, 2 children with me full time during term time, no family in the UK. So can't make time to meet all possibilities. And most men my age (mid 40s) seem married, or in relationships, or looking for someone much younger with whom they could potentially have children with, or don't reply when they hear I have children and short of time on weekends.
I feel I look fairly presentable but size 14- this don't think this gets me very far. Finding OLD quite demoralizing so far and bad for my self confidence.

@bemoreassertive I get you- but 3 years isn’t really that long. I didn’t start dating again until 3 years post divorce. ( didn’t feel ready)

but did meet a long term partner, then it ended and had a few dalliances. Now in what I hope will be a long term relationship.

the pool is very shallow in your 40’s, I admit. But then, there were a lot of shit men around in our 20’s…they just were less likely to have beer bellies, or be overweight and bald. I’m friends with the school heartthrob on facebook…my teenage self would’ve killed for a date. Now, he’s fat and balding and I wouldn’t go near him!

so even if you’d got one of those hot men when younger, they’d be old and fat now!

This is a really good way of putting it @Cardamomandlemons So many of my friends/family/colleagues find my current relationship unconventional because we've been together for five years, don't live together and don't plan to any time soon. It absolutely works for us though. I was lucky enough to meet man in his 40s who shares the same values and relationship ideals as me. And I wasn't looking for a relationship at all, he was someone I knew of vaguely through work and he slid into my DMs a couple of months after I split from my ex.

I bloody LOVE being single. However, paradoxically, I would equally love to meet and fall in love with a decent man who I am both physically and spiritually attracted to.

There's a HUGE amount of stigma still attached to being a single mother and wanting to date IME. I too am in my 40s. I feel and look more attractive than I ever have and my sex drive is through the roof. Yet in 10 years of being single, I have dtd only about a 20 times. I've dated a couple times and was in an on off that started as a ONS! I feel the judgment from all angles.

I have so much else to focus on to worry too much about being single: DC, career, home, healing, myself. Though would easily enter a long term relationship with someone who can meet me in the middle physically and spiritually, but it seems unlikely that will happen anytime soon.

I'm a single mum to DD11 and I'm 32. Been single for 8 years. I had dated people but nothing more than a couple dinner or coffees. I was not ready and had a lot of work to do on myself. I've met someone and he's Amazing. He understands and gets it. I actually loved being single xxx

Agree with your sentiments. Women are shamed for wanting sex. Do men get the same shit thrown at them? No.

More and more I don't care about the labels I've had thrown at me, yet I am scared to go out and date again because of the stigma I've faced. And therefore I won't be able to find the relationship I want, despite being happy single 🙃

I am so happy my DM remarried. We were snippy with him for a couple of years but he never tried to replace DF. She is in her eighties after 40 years of happy marriage, he is an amazing GF. There is hope.

Get yourself online OP. You’ve got another 40+ years potentially. Don’t assume you need to stay single.

I really think your outlook seems unnecessarily pessimistic. I had no plans to date after I separated from my ex (in my late 40s) but after a year of happy singledom, a lovely man I knew vaguely from years ago (same age as me, solo dad to an older teen) started making friendly overtures over social media, we started dating and have developed a wonderful relationship with long-term intent.

My kids are with my ex every other weekend and a bit more during holidays so I don’t have a lot of child-free time but we make it work (do weekday lunches as well, like previous posters).

Don’t be discouraged by all the negativity out there (and within your family). You are very young (I hadn’t even met my kids’ father at your age) and there is plenty of time and opportunity out there.

This ^
So.true sadly.

I’ve been single for 13 years now,
since my youngest was two. She is 15 now and the older three adults.

I’m glad I never had any of the blended family mess but now and again I look forward and I’m on sure I like the idea of being completely alone. Without a partner my finances will be hit once I no longer get the child element of UC so it is going to be hard without a second income into the house. When I watch my friends who have a good partner together I wish for the same and then listen to the moaning ones and feel relieved I don’t have that hassle. I guess I’d be receptive to the right person coming along but not just for the sake of having someone.

Interesting that these views turn out to be mostly from female relatives!

Good to have a think about your own views when you hear about a divorced single mum dating. Because could it be that the negativity is actually from you/your upbringing?

It's true that rushing to make something permanent and bringing another man into your children's lives is a huge deal. But dating and having connections and a relationship doesn't have to be that disruptive.

I think you are really underestimating how much straight men like being with women. That doesn't mean they're all good people or that you'd want to be with them of course. And that 'wanting to be with women' can translate into treating women as essentially interchangeable.

Start to develop a picky mindset. Who's good enough to spend your time with? Look for someone who brings something new or something you really want to the party.

Another one disagreeing with the pessimism @bemoreassertive. I’ve met someone who meets the description above easily, and I’m in my 40s. I’m not looking to get remarried but I’m having a lovely time — and there’s no way I would have gone without companionship/sex forever, especially coming out of a miserable marriage!

Maybe I’ve just been lucky but friends of mine who’ve wanted to meet people also have done — I would say OLD is the main way to do it, otherwise it can be tough.

why don’t you just go on a few dates, when you feel ready? You can’t really make any of the above statements without actually trying it.