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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Single mum I like "Isn't ready to date". Advice?

89 replies

BetBetBet · 13/09/2024 22:06

Hi,

Hope it is okay to ask this here, as I am not a parent myself.

Long story short, there is a lady I work with who is a single mum. We work on different teams and don't know each other that well, but she has always struck me as kind hearted, decent, hard working, and I think she is very pretty. She's very quiet and a little on the reserved / shy side. I've asked her out several times over a period of 5 years, but every time she says she "isn't ready" and "parenting is so hard".

I'm not for one minute doubting this. Although I don't have children myself, I have 4 nephews and a niece and a lot of my friends have children. Even with 2 parents in the house it is a struggle, so I can't begin to imagine how overwhelming it must be for her coping on her own. My question really is to any single parents out there - did you ever feel like this, and how and when did things get to a point where you began to think you were ready to date again? Her child is a teenager now and I know they can be a bit of a nightmare!

Part of me (and I know it's my own insecurities - we all have them) thinks, if she really liked me she'd make time and maybe it's a convenient way of telling me she's just not interested without hurting my feelings. But when we bump into each other she is always happy to stop and chat and seems pleased to see me. I guess I'm just trying to get it straight in my head if I should give up on the idea of us dating in the future when she is ready. If I'm wasting my time. I have dated other women during this period, but nothing's become serious and I keep finding myself thinking about this lady again. She's got something about her I really like, and I honestly wouldn't mind waiting if I thought it was just a timing thing. Good things come to those who wait and all that.

Hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too needy!

OP posts:
Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 13/09/2024 22:08

Yep she's not into you.

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/09/2024 22:08

She's letting you down gently.

Baldyheed · 13/09/2024 22:09

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

ActualChips · 13/09/2024 22:09

You've asked her out several times, just stop. She has to be nice to you because she's at work.

Icanttakethisanymore · 13/09/2024 22:09

Whilst parenting is tough, I’d imagine from what you’ve said, that she’s just not that into you. Sorry.

MoveOnTheCards · 13/09/2024 22:10

You’ve asked her several times and she’s said no. Whatever reason she gave (even if she didn’t give any), you need to respect that and just stop. Back away and go back to considering her a polite colleague, not a potential girlfriend or whatever.

Sheesh.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2024 22:11

She can be happy to know you and pleased to see you and still not want to date you. Do you really not understand that?

Stop asking her out. She does not want to date you. She is trying to be gentle and polite but you are refusing to read between the lines. If you value her as a friend, then be her friend and stop asking her out.

anareen · 13/09/2024 22:11

Heavens. Please leave her alone. Just because someone is friendly doesn't mean they are "into you".

peachgreen · 13/09/2024 22:12

I've asked her out several times over a period of 5 years, but every time she says she "isn't ready" and "parenting is so hard".

Jesus Christ. Leave her alone.

somereallyniceadvice · 13/09/2024 22:13

ActualChips · 13/09/2024 22:09

You've asked her out several times, just stop. She has to be nice to you because she's at work.

She has been extremely kind to you tbh
Leave the lady alone and let her be

PollyDactyl · 13/09/2024 22:16

Leave her alone. Which part of no don't you understand? You are a creep.

If she was my mate and confided in me that you persist in pursuing a romantic relationship with her despite clearly saying no thank you on several occasions over FIVE YEARS, I would be telling her to report you to management for harassment.

Viviennemary · 13/09/2024 22:18

I have to admire your persistence. But I think you need to take that no thanks over 5 years really does mean no thanks.

Okayornot · 13/09/2024 22:19

It's time to move on OP. She isn't interested and the reason why really doesn't matter.

Dweetfidilove · 13/09/2024 22:20

This could be viewed as harassment. Just stop!

FuzzyDiva · 13/09/2024 22:20

Parenting isn’t that hard that over five years you can’t go on a date with a colleague you are attracted to. She isn’t attracted to you for whatever reason, and that’s not going to change.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2024 22:20

If she was my mate and confided in me that you persist in pursuing a romantic relationship with her despite clearly saying no thank you on several occasions over FIVE YEARS, I would be telling her to report you to management for harassment

Exactly this, op. This woman is a co-worker, and repeatedly asking for a date can very well be considered harassment. You need to stop and do a lot of self-reflection here.

pictoosh · 13/09/2024 22:20

"Part of me (and I know it's my own insecurities - we all have them) thinks, if she really liked me she'd make time and maybe it's a convenient way of telling me she's just not interested without hurting my feelings."

That's you acknowledging that she's not interested but refusing to accept it.

She doesn't fancy you. It's one of the harsh facts of life...sometimes the person we really fancy doesn't fancy us in return.

She's nice to you because she's...nice. She may genuinely enjoy chatting to you.
But you've tried...more than once...and she has said no. So that's that. Move on.

LittleGreenDragons · 13/09/2024 22:20

I've asked her out several times over a period of 5 years,

She's turned you down several times already, she won't suddenly change her mind. If you continue to ask her out this will fall under sexual harrasment which is a sackable offence. Leave her alone now.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/09/2024 22:20

You need to stop asking her out or you could be done by HR for sexually harassing her. She is too scared to turn you down and men can get scary when they get turned down.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/09/2024 22:21

(Assuming you're a man as I don't think a lesbian would be this naive but same advice applies if op is female)

LoftyPeachSnake · 13/09/2024 22:21

She's not in to you. You should have stopped asking her out after the first time she said no.

Autumnweddingguest · 13/09/2024 22:21

My advice: Listen to her and believe what she tells you. Can't go wrong there.

BeMintBee · 13/09/2024 22:22

Women are generally conditioned to feel we have to spare men’s feelings and be kind. She’s trying to be kind by saying it’s her not you but you should accept that really she’s not looking to date you now or in the future.

Justcallmebebes · 13/09/2024 22:22

Oh mate

Cheesecakelunch · 13/09/2024 22:23

Gosh can you not take no for an answer?**

And don't you have anything better to do at work...such as doing your work?

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