Single mum I like "Isn't ready to date". Advice?

[BetBetBet]

Hi,

Hope it is okay to ask this here, as I am not a parent myself.

Long story short, there is a lady I work with who is a single mum. We work on different teams and don't know each other that well, but she has always struck me as kind hearted, decent, hard working, and I think she is very pretty. She's very quiet and a little on the reserved / shy side. I've asked her out several times over a period of 5 years, but every time she says she "isn't ready" and "parenting is so hard".

I'm not for one minute doubting this. Although I don't have children myself, I have 4 nephews and a niece and a lot of my friends have children. Even with 2 parents in the house it is a struggle, so I can't begin to imagine how overwhelming it must be for her coping on her own. My question really is to any single parents out there - did you ever feel like this, and how and when did things get to a point where you began to think you were ready to date again? Her child is a teenager now and I know they can be a bit of a nightmare!

Part of me (and I know it's my own insecurities - we all have them) thinks, if she really liked me she'd make time and maybe it's a convenient way of telling me she's just not interested without hurting my feelings. But when we bump into each other she is always happy to stop and chat and seems pleased to see me. I guess I'm just trying to get it straight in my head if I should give up on the idea of us dating in the future when she is ready. If I'm wasting my time. I have dated other women during this period, but nothing's become serious and I keep finding myself thinking about this lady again. She's got something about her I really like, and I honestly wouldn't mind waiting if I thought it was just a timing thing. Good things come to those who wait and all that.

Hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too needy!

I think you're hearing what you want to hear, and because she is not being totally unambiguous it's giving you a little flicker of hope. I get it

horeendous victim blaming. She’s not giving him a flicker of hope. She’s said no several times over at least 5 years. Have a word with yourself.

You work together, she can't tell you to fuck off and stop being annoying can she?

Advice?
Leave her alone.

If you really like this woman, then you need to trust her words. If she says she’s not ready to date and she won’t go out with you because of that, then take her word for it. You don’t know what she really means behind those words. It doesn’t matter. But if you don’t trust her now, then a relationship with her won’t withstand that type of energy when trust issues may come up later.

(I’ve intuitively channeled this message, because that’s what I do. It’s fun. Hope it helps.) You don’t know if she would go out with you if she was already in the dating scene. But it’s not worth chastising yourself, making pretend you’re not good enough for her. So don’t do that. What you can do is be honest with her. Let her know how you feel, in a non-confronting way. Be casual. Say something that shows her you would be interested in a date with her if she does feel ready someday. But don’t wait for her. That’s not kind and fair for yourself. If you two are on the same energy “page”, she’ll invite you out.

Thank you all for your responses. Turns out, all I needed was some perspective and a slap upside the head by internet strangers for being so dumb!

I would just like to reassure whoever it was that I have not asked her out during work time as you were concerned I am not doing any work! Also, I had no intention of asking her out again. I just wondered how likely, if at all, I might find her coming around to the idea of dating. Anything further would have to come from her side and I think we've established that is not going to happen.

Thank you to whoever it was who picked up on the fact it was the ambiguity that was preventing me from moving on. It's exactly that. Now I can. Thank you all again.

There’s no ambiguity in consistent ‘no thanks’

Leave her alone, it's creepy that you keep asking when she clearly doesn't want to date you.She doesn't want to be rude about it because you work together.

Yes to this.

Holy crap. She probably dreads bumping into you at this point.

I think lots of men have this problem.because they themselves are only nice to women they want to have sex with so when a woman is nice to them they think they want them as well or are at least interested.

Let me tell you,

Women are seemingly nice to men for many reasons, a big one is to not put themselves in danger by angering the man in an obvious way.
Another is because most women are nice to people, all people because they're just decent and polite people not looking to get what they can from everyone they bump in to.

People are not beating about the bush because he clearly needs reality to be explicitly spelled out to him.

Blunt doesn't mean harsh. Sometimes it's the kindest way to get a message across.

And enough with that boring and predictable "man hating" bullshit.

Nobody owes anyone a date, or three paragraphs of candy floss.

She said no five bloody times what's ambiguous about that?!?! 🤣🤣

I never said I asked five times. Twice is my limit😂

(Realise now I said several in my original post. Oops!)

Bit of a generalisation there. I'm nice and polite to everyone, it's my upbringing. And I'm not only interested in getting sex from women. I worked out from a very young age I need a connection with someone first. Not all men sleep around I can assure you!

Riiiiight. I confuse twice with several all the time 🤔

I agree with all comments that she's obviously not into you but gonna play devils advocate here and probably get slated but I think some responsibility should also lie with her. Why can't she say 'sorry I'm just not interested but we can be friends'. She's had several years to say it. It's surely not that difficult? By saying she's 'not ready' and 'being a single parent is hard', does she maybe like the idea of you being into her but knowing nothing will happen? I would keep my distance and if there is any change, whether she makes more of an effort to talk to you. If not and she seems perfectly fine with the distance then she's probably thinking 'phew'.

I think you might get more constructive feedback from someone in real life that you can trust rather than man-hating keyboard warriorsstrangers on the internet

I think this is a disgusting thing to post on a thread about a man harassing a woman. Shame @Pickle2828

@BetBetBet you can sleep around all you want with women want to sleep with you. No-one finds this an issue. Bit this one clearly doesn’t. Why on earth do you think you have ‘a connection’

So several means five. Okay.

Why can't she say 'sorry I'm just not interested but we can be friends'. She's had several years to say it. It's surely not that difficult?

because it’s work. Maybe he’s more senior? Or people might judge her.

You're confusing two separate statements. I never said I had a connection with her (on the contrary, I said I didn't know her that well) - I was replying to a comment about men only being nice to women they want to sleep with. I was saying that isn't true.

We work on different teams and don't know each other that well, but she has always struck me as kind hearted, decent, hard working, and I think she is very pretty. She's very quiet and a little on the reserved / shy side

plus he doesn’t fucking know her. They’re not friends. She owes him nothing. He needs to stop harassing her.

When I first read your post, OP, I wasn't sure if you were male or female but as I got further in it was really clear. A woman being told that someone 'isn't ready to date' would back right off. You've tried a few times.

I know you think it was gentle and respectful but it really is tone deaf. Someone who is interested will let you know and if they make an excuse then take it at face value and don't pursue.

Also, this is your only post on mumsnet which suggests you joined to post this. Which screams stalker

Why did you choose MN to ask this?
If you are friendly to women in general why don't you have real life female friends to ask this?

Do you think your unrequited crush is on here?

Listen, mate.

She's consistently told you no, so accept it.

Continuing to ask her could be construed as harassment, and that leads to unemployment.

Get to know her as a colleague before as a friend. Or just plain leave her alone as it ain't happening.

She met you at work so may not want to change the work friendship. Let her go. Plus some people are happy alone and single parenting is a juggle.