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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Single mum I like "Isn't ready to date". Advice?

89 replies

BetBetBet · 13/09/2024 22:06

Hi,

Hope it is okay to ask this here, as I am not a parent myself.

Long story short, there is a lady I work with who is a single mum. We work on different teams and don't know each other that well, but she has always struck me as kind hearted, decent, hard working, and I think she is very pretty. She's very quiet and a little on the reserved / shy side. I've asked her out several times over a period of 5 years, but every time she says she "isn't ready" and "parenting is so hard".

I'm not for one minute doubting this. Although I don't have children myself, I have 4 nephews and a niece and a lot of my friends have children. Even with 2 parents in the house it is a struggle, so I can't begin to imagine how overwhelming it must be for her coping on her own. My question really is to any single parents out there - did you ever feel like this, and how and when did things get to a point where you began to think you were ready to date again? Her child is a teenager now and I know they can be a bit of a nightmare!

Part of me (and I know it's my own insecurities - we all have them) thinks, if she really liked me she'd make time and maybe it's a convenient way of telling me she's just not interested without hurting my feelings. But when we bump into each other she is always happy to stop and chat and seems pleased to see me. I guess I'm just trying to get it straight in my head if I should give up on the idea of us dating in the future when she is ready. If I'm wasting my time. I have dated other women during this period, but nothing's become serious and I keep finding myself thinking about this lady again. She's got something about her I really like, and I honestly wouldn't mind waiting if I thought it was just a timing thing. Good things come to those who wait and all that.

Hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too needy!

OP posts:
WelcomeEverythingIsFine · 13/09/2024 22:23

Leave her alone!!! She’s probably scared of shutting you down properly because you’re so persistent and she has to see you a lot.

gamerchick · 13/09/2024 22:24

Would a slap across the face be better hammering the point home OP?

If this is real. Stop being a creep and leave the lass alone.

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/09/2024 22:24

Just leave her be

ChunkyMunky · 13/09/2024 22:24

You really should have stopped asking after the first “no”.

There is nothing romantic about being nagged in to something.

Just because you fancy her, doesn’t mean she has any obligation to date you. Leave her in peace.

Wondergoldenlight · 13/09/2024 22:29

Part of me (and I know it's my own insecurities - we all have them) thinks, if she really liked me she'd make time and maybe it's a convenient way of telling me she's just not interested without hurting my feelings

um no. That’s not insecurities. It’s the really fucking obvious. Do you genuinely think this lady has liked you for 5 years and despite you repeatedly asking her out has felt too overwhelmed by having a child to agree?

tbh your post is bordering on stalker/ obsessional. Stop it

Noseybookworm · 13/09/2024 22:29

She doesn't want to go out with you. Her reasons for not dating are none of your business. Leave her alone, she's said no.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/09/2024 22:29

She wants you to stop pestering her before she has to submit a grievance to HR about your behaviour.

Take the hint.

EBearhug · 13/09/2024 22:32

Dweetfidilove · 13/09/2024 22:20

This could be viewed as harassment. Just stop!

This.

LaMontser · 13/09/2024 22:34

Jesus H Corbett.

What advice are you hoping for here? How to persuade her to go out with you after five years of saying no? You think she’ll have an epiphany and say yes now?

You need a lesson in consent. Take no for an answer and leave her alone.

Urgh.

ToastCrumbsInMyBed · 13/09/2024 22:36

I'm surprised HR haven't spoken to you yet about your harrassment of your co-worker.

Leave her alone.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 13/09/2024 22:36

No means no. Stop harassing her. She isnt interested in dating you.

There is a lady I work with who is a single mum… I've asked her out several times over a period of 5 years
I would have reported you to HR long ago.

AdoraBell · 13/09/2024 22:38

As others have said, you’ve asked her out several times and each time she’s said no. Leave it now.

suburberphobe · 13/09/2024 22:41

I've asked her out several times over a period of 5 years

Talk about flogging a dead horse.....

Are you really this obtuse OP?

NotMyCircusss · 13/09/2024 22:41

Don't mistake chatting with as fancying you. She is just being polite. A lot of men make this mistake. She's a) not attracted with you, and b) literally telling you she;s not ready to date - not everyone wants a relationship. Stop. Just stop.

ChickAndTheDuck · 13/09/2024 22:44

I experienced something similar when I was working. I went out for lunch with this man and he was perfectly lovely as a friend but I didn't want to take things further. He kept being very persistent though and it got to the point where I dreaded seeing him because he was so full on. In the end, a colleague of mine had to speak to him and tell him to leave me alone.

I would suggest just leaving her alone otherwise you could end up in some bother with your job and possibly the law.

MotherOfVizslas · 13/09/2024 22:45

I think you're hearing what you want to hear, and because she is not being totally unambiguous it's giving you a little flicker of hope. I get it.

But, as a woman, I can tell you 100% she is not into you.

Pickle2828 · 13/09/2024 22:47

Gonna go against the grain here and say that while previous posters are correct in their assessment that she’s not into you OP, I think their delivery of that verdict has been too harsh.
I think you have probably been naive in taking her “not yet” response too literally and not reading between the lines. And yes that might be perceived in a certain way by some but I don’t think you meant to come across that way and it was probably coming from a place of admiration and what you felt was respectful waiting. Hopefully she has not felt harassed by the interest you have shown.
Do you have someone in real life you can confide in to help navigate social/dating situations like this? It can be a bit of a minefield and often people don’t say what they mean because of social norms. I think you might get more constructive feedback from someone in real life that you can trust rather than man-hating keyboard warriors strangers on the internet.

LostittoBostik · 13/09/2024 22:48

She's absolutely not into you. Move on before you become a problem.

RedHelenB · 13/09/2024 22:48

I don't think 3 times in 5 years is harassment but I also don't think she's going to change her kind. She may be very but I've a feeling you're less than handsome yourself? So I don't think she's going to change her mind, sorry too be the bearer of b as news.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/09/2024 22:49

Ffs, poor woman.

mommatoone · 13/09/2024 22:50

Leave the poor woman alone You sound unhinged!

ChickAndTheDuck · 13/09/2024 22:52

RedHelenB · 13/09/2024 22:48

I don't think 3 times in 5 years is harassment but I also don't think she's going to change her kind. She may be very but I've a feeling you're less than handsome yourself? So I don't think she's going to change her mind, sorry too be the bearer of b as news.

He said several times which in my view, means a few more than 3.

PrinnyPree · 13/09/2024 22:53

There's two reasons she's nice to you. Either she considers you a friend that she sees completely platonically. (Lots of people have friendships with the opposite gender you know.)

Or she is being friendly as most women have been conditioned to be friendly to disarm men as an unfriendly man, especially one who has unrequited feelings of lust, can be quite dangerous, or if in a position of power at work, can torpedo a career.

But as others have said she's letting you down as kindly and gently as possible. It's been 5 years, please don't ask her out again, not just because no means no but if that doesn't get through to you, you could land yourself in harrassment territory at work with a trip to HR.

She sounds like a nice person, please leave her be and just enjoy your friendly work relationship for what it is.

Baldyheed · 13/09/2024 22:55

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

Wondergoldenlight · 13/09/2024 22:55

I think their delivery of that verdict has been too harsh. I think you have probably been naive in taking her “not yet” response too literally and not reading between the lines. And yes that might be perceived in a certain way by some but I don’t think you meant to come across that way

wow pickle. You sure know a lot about what this guy means

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