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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single mum I like "Isn't ready to date". Advice?

89 replies

BetBetBet · 13/09/2024 22:06

Hi,

Hope it is okay to ask this here, as I am not a parent myself.

Long story short, there is a lady I work with who is a single mum. We work on different teams and don't know each other that well, but she has always struck me as kind hearted, decent, hard working, and I think she is very pretty. She's very quiet and a little on the reserved / shy side. I've asked her out several times over a period of 5 years, but every time she says she "isn't ready" and "parenting is so hard".

I'm not for one minute doubting this. Although I don't have children myself, I have 4 nephews and a niece and a lot of my friends have children. Even with 2 parents in the house it is a struggle, so I can't begin to imagine how overwhelming it must be for her coping on her own. My question really is to any single parents out there - did you ever feel like this, and how and when did things get to a point where you began to think you were ready to date again? Her child is a teenager now and I know they can be a bit of a nightmare!

Part of me (and I know it's my own insecurities - we all have them) thinks, if she really liked me she'd make time and maybe it's a convenient way of telling me she's just not interested without hurting my feelings. But when we bump into each other she is always happy to stop and chat and seems pleased to see me. I guess I'm just trying to get it straight in my head if I should give up on the idea of us dating in the future when she is ready. If I'm wasting my time. I have dated other women during this period, but nothing's become serious and I keep finding myself thinking about this lady again. She's got something about her I really like, and I honestly wouldn't mind waiting if I thought it was just a timing thing. Good things come to those who wait and all that.

Hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too needy!

OP posts:

samanthablues · 13/09/2024 23:46

You’ve been ‘friend zoned’ OP, greener pastures await….

pottymouth40 · 13/09/2024 23:47

Like a lamb to the slaughter🤣🤣🤣

HiFillyJonk · 14/09/2024 00:00

From personal experience of someone I worked with asking me out (I'd left the job by that point but was out with a group of colleagues from that workplace when it happened) "I'm not ready to date" was the politest brush-off I could think of. I hadn't long come out of a serious relationship so it was credible but truthfully, I wasn't remotely attracted to him in that way and it wouldn't have gone on a date regardless of how long I had been single.

I'm inclined to think this woman doesn't fancy you and is simply trying to give you the kindest no possible.

aurynne · 14/09/2024 00:09

Telling a guy you're "not interested" often results in the guy getting aggressive. "Well you're ugly anyway", "you could at least be nice, bitch", "who the fuck do you think you are?", "No one will ever want you" are only some of the niceties I had coming back to me when I told guys I was not interested in them in reply to their unwanted advances.

So you may be able to understand a bit better why so many women tell you "it's not the right time", "I am not ready", or they make up imaginary boyfriends. All to really mean "I am not attracted to you".

LittleGreenDragons · 14/09/2024 00:20

Pickle2828 · 13/09/2024 22:47

Gonna go against the grain here and say that while previous posters are correct in their assessment that she’s not into you OP, I think their delivery of that verdict has been too harsh.
I think you have probably been naive in taking her “not yet” response too literally and not reading between the lines. And yes that might be perceived in a certain way by some but I don’t think you meant to come across that way and it was probably coming from a place of admiration and what you felt was respectful waiting. Hopefully she has not felt harassed by the interest you have shown.
Do you have someone in real life you can confide in to help navigate social/dating situations like this? It can be a bit of a minefield and often people don’t say what they mean because of social norms. I think you might get more constructive feedback from someone in real life that you can trust rather than man-hating keyboard warriors strangers on the internet.

rather than man-hating keyboard warriors strangers on the internet.

So you think women with boundaries = man hating keyboard warriors? It might be time for you to take a SM break if you seriously think that.

Gonna go against the grain here and say that while previous posters are correct in their assessment that she’s not into you OP, I think their delivery of that verdict has been too harsh.
That isn't what going against the grain means btw.

SerafinasGoose · 14/09/2024 00:26

Leave her alone. Her answer is 'no'. The word is unambiguous and clear; you need to hear it and not try to interpret it as something else.

Mmhmmn · 14/09/2024 00:29

Stop asking. She’s too polite to say she’s not into you. Move on.

DadJoke · 14/09/2024 00:32

Listen to your insecurities.

NiftyKoala · 14/09/2024 00:39

I say this also. To people I'm not interested in dating. 5 times???? Please stop she's not the one for you.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2024 00:43

Wondergoldenlight · 13/09/2024 23:31

Why can't she say 'sorry I'm just not interested but we can be friends'. She's had several years to say it. It's surely not that difficult?

because it’s work. Maybe he’s more senior? Or people might judge her.

Or, more likely, he would interpret "we can be friends" as "play your cards right and we can be friends with benefits."

She doesn't owe him friendship, or a date, and actually, she never owed him an explanation of why she wouldn't date him. But women are socialized to be careful with men's egos, so she trod a fine line, and is probably utterly exasperated and frustrated that he didn't understand what 99.999999% of the people on this thread understood, immediately, and frankly, 99.999999% of the men in the OP's workplace would also understand.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2024 00:49

samanthablues · 13/09/2024 23:46

You’ve been ‘friend zoned’ OP, greener pastures await….

No he hasn't.

"Friendzoned" is a very problematic term and it acknowledges the truth of the statement earlier in the thread that men are only friendly and nice to women when they're trying to get sex.

This woman has given him no indication whatsoever that she wants him as a friend or a boyfriend.

And she hasn't put him in any sort of queue.

samanthablues · 14/09/2024 00:56

mathanxiety · 14/09/2024 00:49

No he hasn't.

"Friendzoned" is a very problematic term and it acknowledges the truth of the statement earlier in the thread that men are only friendly and nice to women when they're trying to get sex.

This woman has given him no indication whatsoever that she wants him as a friend or a boyfriend.

And she hasn't put him in any sort of queue.

Show quote history

That’s true, she doesn’t look like she wants to be his friend either, but I too wouldn’t want to be friends with some guy who keeps me asking out, If I go out with him is because I fancy him, I would be nice and polite every time I bump into him (no reasons to be rude specially if he works at my company), but that would be the end of it. The single mother excuse is a great one when you have a toddler, but when he’s 14 it doesn’t cut it.

rainbowsparkle28 · 14/09/2024 01:08

Oh come on. Asking her several times when she has explicitly said is just harrassing behaviour and she is too nice to say anything else or doesn't feel able to which is unacceptable. She may be nice enough to you but so would probably most humans be cordially polite and chat especially if in public and at work (not that she owes you anything just to be clear). Stop. Leave it and work on yourself and please don't do this to her or anyone else it is not okay, and you have no right to continue to disrespect other people's boundaries because you think you are entitled and cannot see how anyone possibly would say no.

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/09/2024 01:24

aurynne · 14/09/2024 00:09

Edited

I have had similar experiences. The majority of men have either reacted aggressively and abusive or they have persistently tried to change my mind and convince me that they have certain qualities that I should be interested in or wanting to experience.

It can be quite intimidating, sometimes frightening and often just incredibly tiresome and annoying.

@BetBetBet This woman can simultaneously be not ready to date and not interested in you. And unless she specifically told you that she is interested in dating you in the future, she will most likely not want you waiting for her and biding your time till she’s ready to date.

Anyway, I think you get that now. I hope you find someone where there is mutual attraction but is also heading in the same direction as you and wants to date you. Good luck.

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