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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to hear the stories of it not working out with OW

124 replies

randommum82 · 13/09/2024 20:08

I'll keep a very messy situation as short as I can. Six months ago exBIL walked out on my sister and two very young children after an affair and very soon after moved in with the OW. He's done the whole script, rewriting history etc etc. The truth is even though they were struggling, to her face he was making all the right noises, going for marriage counselling but never actually planned to save the marriage at all because he was seeing the OW all that time.

I am boiling over with rage for my exBIL and the OW. They have disrupted the lives of four very young children (two in each marriage - she is getting divorced so they can live their grand love) just to get their ends off, not to mention the wider misery they have caused. We are a close family and it has broken everyone's hearts not only to see my sister suffer like this but also to realise someone we loved so much (exBIL) was a deceitful cheat and liar all this time. It's so very shocking.

exBIL went from who we thought was a gentle, calm soul to actually being a very immature and very toxic manchild. If anyone stands up for my sister in their wider circle, he takes it out on her and verbally tears her down. So we all hold our tongues.

Please make me feel better by sharing stories of how badly this went for the cheating dog and their OW. It will give me a lot of satisfaction. I've never wished anyone misery. But I do for my exBIL and his cheap tart.

OP posts:
BeerForMyHorses · 13/09/2024 20:18

Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.

You are understandably angry for your sister, however you seem incredibly over invested in the ex and GF. Put that energy into being positive and supportive to your sister. No good can come from being this angry and bitter, especially when there are children involved.

LondonFox · 13/09/2024 20:22

Ŵell your sister fell for a manchild.
It's not I cannot understand why OW fell too.
Plus point for OW as she already knows hat he is capable for and decided to fuck up her marriage for him.

Focus on your sister and do not spend energy onn a woman that fell for the same tricks your sister did.

Frith2013 · 13/09/2024 20:27

It's probably better that you focus on your own life and supporting your sister in her new life.

Original poster
randommum82 · 13/09/2024 20:33

I understand what you're saying. We are all standing by my sister and helping her and the kids as best we can. She's devastated but getting stronger by the day and she's a great mother who thankfully has her own income. I suppose I am struggling to understand why, really. How could he do this to her, and how could OW do this to another woman, get away with it and live happily ever after. But I suppse it happens every day - terrible things happen and people get away with it and go on to live happy lives, however undeserved.

OP posts:
Mimipoop · 13/09/2024 20:35

Didn’t work out for a friend of mine (OW) after a 3 year affair. The twat ended up getting his wife pregnant and went crawling back to her. I feel bad for my friend though, he really used her (as well as the wife)

Fargo79 · 13/09/2024 20:36

I don't think you sound overinvested. Presumably this is someone who was part of your family for many years and who felt like a sort of sibling to you. That's how I feel about my siblings-in-law anyway. It's understandable that you are angry and hurt, and you are entitled to talk about it. You are venting on an anonymous forum rather than to your sister, as is appropriate. People love to make PA remarks on threads like this and I could have guessed the responses you'd get before I read them 🙄 I'm sure you are focusing on your sister and supporting her perfectly well. It doesn't mean you can't also be sad and angry.

YouCantCallMeBetty · 13/09/2024 20:39

A friend of my DH left his wife and two young children for his OW. She also left her marriage. They moved in together pretty swiftly and tried to blend families (5 kids between them). It did not work.
Fast forward less than a year and they're not speaking and accusing each other of all sorts of horrible stuff.
Tempting to feel some kind of schadenfreude but really all of those kids have experienced horrible disruption and upset and it's just a very sad situation, caused by two very selfish, impulsive people.

Original poster
randommum82 · 13/09/2024 20:43

Fargo79 · 13/09/2024 20:36

I don't think you sound overinvested. Presumably this is someone who was part of your family for many years and who felt like a sort of sibling to you. That's how I feel about my siblings-in-law anyway. It's understandable that you are angry and hurt, and you are entitled to talk about it. You are venting on an anonymous forum rather than to your sister, as is appropriate. People love to make PA remarks on threads like this and I could have guessed the responses you'd get before I read them 🙄 I'm sure you are focusing on your sister and supporting her perfectly well. It doesn't mean you can't also be sad and angry.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding. It feels like a loss since he felt like my brother. In real life I am helping my sister along, and I am fully aware that this post comes across as a tantrum. But I can't have this tantrum in real life, so I'm having it here. At the heart of all this are four very young and confused children who each had a parent so desperate to sleep with someone else that they upended their lives.

OP posts:
DrummingMousWife · 13/09/2024 20:49

It won’t last because neither one will ever trust the other. They lied and cheated and manipulated their way into each others beds - she will spend all her life looking over his shoulder and checking his phone.
you don’t always see karma, but trust me it’s there. They’ll get theirs.

sorry just edited to say …. Your sis needs to be strong and not take this loser back when he tries to return - which he will when reality bites.

ImpossiblePossible · 13/09/2024 20:52

It’s understandable how you feel - and your anger will help you dig deep to help your sister.

Your BIL was the person you believed he was. But hormones and attention and the force of attraction really are powerful. So yeah, be angry but know that those chemicals can really assault your BIL decision making. And OW.

You don’t wish them well, that’s fine. But he is still father to your nephew/niece and annoying as it is, it will be better for them if he is OK.

LoftyPeachSnake · 13/09/2024 21:00

Sometimes it works out with the OW, sometimes it doesn't. But your sisters happiness can't be contingent on their unhappiness. It's actually great that your sister isn't saddled to some terrible man anymore, even if he did seem ok for a number of years.

Ukhotelsareshit · 13/09/2024 21:05

Hasn’t worked out for anyone I know. Most of them crashed and burned in less than a year. I know one couple who are still together 20 years after starting as an affair and my god, they bloody hate each other! He is awful and she is miserable but, because of all the hurt caused to ex parters and children she can’t bear to leave and have it all be for “nothing” .

Tapestree · 13/09/2024 21:06

NC for this because I'm ashamed.
I was the OW.
I met a man and was told by mutual friends that he was in an abusive marriage- his wife was unfaithful, cruel, an alcoholic and emotionally and physically abused him. I got to know him and he started to confide in me about his wife, how scared he was of her etc. We started an affair, but I thought it was different to other affairs because he was a victim of abuse, I was his saviour. I wouldn't have ordinarily believed stories about the mad ex, but I was hearing them from mutual friends too.

He started talking about leaving her and how frightened he was that she'd beat him up or stab him. He got away in the end and came to me. And that's when I started to get to know him properly.

Turned out the whole "abuse" thing was a woman reacting completely normally to being in a relationship with an egotistical nutter. Her "abuse" was confronting him about his many affairs. Her "psycho" tendencies were her reasonable reactions to being gaslit by him about his indiscretions. Yes, she was a drinker, and I couldn't blame her.

He had convinced their whole friend group that she was nuts, which affected her mental health, making them believe him further. It was a horrible, horrible time when the scales fell from my eyes. Gradually, he started saying I was paranoid, nuts etc, and I saw that he was planning to do the same to me as he did to her. I dumped him, but not before he did great harm to my MH.

It was the stupidest, most selfish and cruel thing I have ever done, and I wish every day that I'd been wiser and kinder and hadn't touched him with a barge pole.

I used to think that affairs were wrong except in cases of abuse... Now I just think they're wrong full stop. The one thing you know for certain is that your affair partner is an accomplished liar. That thought will never, ever leave your head.

mindutopia · 13/09/2024 21:08

I’ll tell you a different sort of it not working out. My ex cheated on me 20+ years ago. He and the OW got married 6 months later. He continued to cheat on her for at least the next 3-4 years that I know of (after that I moved away so no idea if the leopard changed his spots but I doubt it!). 20 years on, she is still with the cheating loser. I, however, went on to have a lovely life, met Dh, we have a beautiful family and a very happy life, absolutely no drama, and I trust him completely. It was horrible at the time, but I’m so grateful now that he showed me exactly who he was so that I could move on to the life I was meant to have.

PolePrince55 · 13/09/2024 21:13

I guess he cheated on you all.
The fact he went out of his way to PRETEND to save a marriage he didn't want to save was quite deceitful.
Can't you channel your energy into helping your sister and her kids?
He's not worth it x

AboutVattime · 13/09/2024 21:17

I was the OW to a man with 5 children and I had 3 .. been unbelievably happy with him and 4/8 close to us .for 22 years.. . the 4 with ex wife have been completely poisoned . (She was the one who had the affair 2 years before DH left) ..

suburberphobe · 13/09/2024 21:19

You had my sympathy until you ended your OP by calling her a "cheap tart".

That's just a nasty snobbish attitude. And something that belongs back in the 1960's.

I'm certainly not excusing her but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors in anyone's relationship OP.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.

AboutVattime · 13/09/2024 21:20

Just to clarify.. she didn't leave the marriage because he earned big bucks and she had opted to be a sahm with TWO nannies .. so plenty of time to fuck her tennis coach ..

cardibach · 13/09/2024 21:20

Look at it another way. My marriage ended because of an OW. They are still together, and I’m glad - because what was it all for, if not?
Edit: they’ve been together about 25 years.

FeistyFrankie · 13/09/2024 21:21

suburberphobe · 13/09/2024 21:19

You had my sympathy until you ended your OP by calling her a "cheap tart".

That's just a nasty snobbish attitude. And something that belongs back in the 1960's.

I'm certainly not excusing her but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors in anyone's relationship OP.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.

This.

Such a nasty misogynistic way to end your post.

Pudmyboy · 13/09/2024 21:25

FeistyFrankie · 13/09/2024 21:21

This.

Such a nasty misogynistic way to end your post.

Show quote history

The OP came on here to vent as she cannot in real life, she has been very clear about that, cut her some slack!

Over40Overdating · 13/09/2024 21:28

Sadly just because it doesn’t work out for some, doesn’t mean they will blow up too.

Rather look at it from a ‘hope they get what they deserve’ look at what your sister has escaped - he didn’t become a toxic man child overnight, he always was one. That’s the OW’s problem now.
And the shit they will have to deal with as they go through 2 divorces is going to be miserable and make their lives difficult.

You have to grieve the man you thought you knew to move on.

PullTheBricksDown · 13/09/2024 21:30

People love to pick holes on threads like this. Sure, two people have behaved like twats to their kids and people they were supposed to love, but the real villain here is someone using a badly judged phrase in anonymous chat on an Internet forum, right? 🙄

The OW will get this back because she's now stuck with the arsehole and it won't be the romantic idyll they imagined. It'll be everyday life and all its disappointments. Wait till that sinks in for them. And look up stories on the chumplady website for your sister, there's loads of what you want.

AboutVattime · 13/09/2024 21:32

Ukhotelsareshit · 13/09/2024 21:05

Hasn’t worked out for anyone I know. Most of them crashed and burned in less than a year. I know one couple who are still together 20 years after starting as an affair and my god, they bloody hate each other! He is awful and she is miserable but, because of all the hurt caused to ex parters and children she can’t bear to leave and have it all be for “nothing” .

As much as you don't know anyone for whom it worked out . I know at least 11 couples over 25 years for whom a second marriage has been 'the one true love'

Sometimes people pick the wrong person.

Blackberriesandcobwebs · 13/09/2024 21:33

Selfish BIL had another affair and SIL (wife #2) eventually found out and divorced him. He pretended to OW that he was well off and she moved into the family home. Truth is he not only had to pay a lot of money to divorce exSIL quickly (his wish), but lost more money on some get-rich-quick bitcoin scheme. Now in hock now up to his eyeballs, having to sell his house to repay debts and all his friends gone because he's been hassling to borrow money off them. OW and BIL have had health issues and BIL now on the mend after a big op but looked horrified when I said to him now he's better it's his turn to care for OW (cancer). I predict she's of no use to him now she's unwell and no longer able to care for him hand and foot. He'll move on.