I need to hear the stories of it not working out with OW

[randommum82]

I'll keep a very messy situation as short as I can. Six months ago exBIL walked out on my sister and two very young children after an affair and very soon after moved in with the OW. He's done the whole script, rewriting history etc etc. The truth is even though they were struggling, to her face he was making all the right noises, going for marriage counselling but never actually planned to save the marriage at all because he was seeing the OW all that time.

I am boiling over with rage for my exBIL and the OW. They have disrupted the lives of four very young children (two in each marriage - she is getting divorced so they can live their grand love) just to get their ends off, not to mention the wider misery they have caused. We are a close family and it has broken everyone's hearts not only to see my sister suffer like this but also to realise someone we loved so much (exBIL) was a deceitful cheat and liar all this time. It's so very shocking.

exBIL went from who we thought was a gentle, calm soul to actually being a very immature and very toxic manchild. If anyone stands up for my sister in their wider circle, he takes it out on her and verbally tears her down. So we all hold our tongues.

Please make me feel better by sharing stories of how badly this went for the cheating dog and their OW. It will give me a lot of satisfaction. I've never wished anyone misery. But I do for my exBIL and his cheap tart.

Yes definitely. But usually after they have separated and been decent to their ex. Someone who is deceitful is not relationship/marriage material.
But yes, there are some exceptions. Mostly not though.

There's a difference between realising that a relationship isn't working, mutually agreeing that splitting up is the best thing to do and then meeting someone else rather than doing something behind someone else's back. I totally agree that sometimes a subsequent relationship works out better but there is a way to go about things in a decent manner.

@randommum82 how would you have felt towards you brother in law if he’d left the marriage as it wasn’t working for him, but not for another woman?

At the heart of all this are four very young and confused children who each had a parent so desperate to sleep with someone else that they upended their lives

Four children who each had an unhappy parent. Having kids is exactly the reason unhappy parents should leave, not stay. Staying will make the unhappiness worse and worse.

I presume that her feelings would vary according to the way that he had treated her and how he'd gone about it. There are multiple scenarios that could occur where you might wonder how the OP dealt with it. We're discussing the one that actually happened.

And man of course. He also wrecked a marriage.

re this village woman. She obviously has psychological issues.

It works out, a lot of the time, IMO. People don’t leave for nothing. I work in a large office, there’s quite a few, long-time couples that got together as what they call ‘exit affairs’ . They’ve been together much longer than their original marriages/relationships.

Your sister will waste her life if she’s waiting for them to fail, and for karma to hit. There’s every chance it won’t. And to be honest, I don’t really agree that people need to stick out marriages just because they have small children, etc. Clearly, no one should be having affairs, but I’ve also seen where one person leaves without having an affair; people don’t always react much better, there seems to be an idea that no one should leave if there’s small children, regardless of how unhappy they were/if they were having problems.

She’s better to get on with life, rather than live in limbo.

Ignore the holier than thou messages. You're entitled to feel shocked, hurt and angry. We did some name calling when my friend went through the same thing because the ow knew my friend quite well and was 'nice' to her.
That didn't work out and then he tried to crawl back but my friend had her eyes truly opened and told him where to go.
Another friend had a similar experience and he became chronically ill a few months later and she left him. There was no rejoicing as he's a good dad to their kids but it was more of a "SUch a foolish and unfortunate man. He would have had the support of a good wife and family to help him through but he you reap what you sow"

You’ve lost me there

How is the OP supposed to ‘look at the future, why they we’re struggling and why the marriage counselling didn’t work’??

The OP is already supporting her sister and her dcs the best she can. She already said so.
None of what you are mentioning above are things she can be involved with.

But she has to be the calm and strong one on RL and wanted to vent. That’s not gossiping. That’s saying in here the things she can’t tell either her sister nor her exBIL. Im not sure what wrong with it.

It might work out with the OW or it might not but there will be consequences for your exBIL.

His relationship with his kids will likely be compromised and he will no doubt lose his relationships with you and other extended family members.

At the moment it may well look like it's all great for him but it's highly probable that he will experience feelings of regret & guilt at what he has lost and walked away from even if his new relationship works out.

He will have to live with the hurt & upset he caused his wife & kids for the rest of his life. That's karma enough.

@randommum82 is there any way you could block the exBIL?

He was shit. Like most people who cheat.
Id try to avoid him as much as possible.

fwiwpeople don’t always act the same way with different people but the personality transplant is quite staggering. It would make me wonder if all is well on his side tbh.

But more to the point, the best revenge is a life well lived.
For your sister obviously. But you and the rest of the family too.
Ignore, grey rock, be happy. It will always be the best ‘revenge’ iyswim

My ex and ow are still together and from what I can see, happy as a couple so it has worked out in that sense and I suspect they are probably better together than we were. But we had two young kids and he effectively exited his role as a parent as he moved a long way away to be with her. Sometimes there are more important things than your romantic idyll. Ex and I weren't unhappy, we rubbed along well enough like many working parents do and my children would have 100% had a nicer childhood and less emotional distress had he waited ten years til they were grown, or at the very least stayed nearby. I've been in relationship for some years now but it's separate to the kids and we won't move in together until they are grown. We're adults. I don't think people should stay together for the kids if they're miserable together or abusive etc but when it's just "star crossed / soulmate" bollocks it can wait.

Having observed some of these affair relationships I would say that even if they stay together seemingly happy that they are still punished. That is through severe trust issues and insecurity in their relationship. Any friendship/work relationship with someone of the opposite sex causes problems. That's not a good way to live.

my dad is still with the ‘ow’, it’s 30 years later. I don’t actually remember life without her. I’m glad he found happiness, and that it lasted. Otherwise what was the point of leaving my mum and all that entailed.
what i did find hard growing up, was although my mum was very accepting of them and positive, her extended family still see my step mum as the OW and a bitch. It makes for very conflicting life events for me, and ultimately I never get to have my extended family all together for major life events like my wedding. I understand you’re angry and BIL and you should be, but also you need to work on building your sister up and all moving on.

He's blocked on everything by the family, he's not active on social media and neither am I. If I met him again face to face I would of course be civil, but I'm using this space to get some strong emotions out which I can't dump on anyone else involved.

While they were struggling, we offered advice and I told my sister that sometimes marriages just don't work out which is okay. No all marriages are built to last.

Marriages fail. It happens. But really he could have been a man and ended things instead of doing this.

Anyway, this thread keeps getting hijacked by people who seem to think I'm enjoying the utter misery my sister is going through, watching her not eating or sleeping and crying for hours, so I'm not commenting any more. To those who offered support, thank you.

I'm so sorry that you feel you have to leave the thread & it hasn't offered you the space to let off steam that you wanted & needed.

Unfortunately MN is like this these days; people jumping on threads with goady, judgemental posts trying to point score & wrong foot posters.

It's a terrible time for your sister and for you. You have lost a close relationship too and you are having to watch someone you care about fall apart.
There are many of us on here who get it and absolutely get why you were here and the feelings you are all experiencing.
Wishing you & your sister well. There's a long road ahead but she will get through this xx

I know 2 ow that did this. They are in a separate friend groups of mine. I know both their dh too. 1 broke up her own marriage too and 1 was single.

They are both still married to the dh 20-25 years after, so I can’t tell you it did not work out. BUT I, and plenty of ppl still think it was shabby, Their own mothers and relatives do. I think deep down they are ashamed of what they did but put on a front. So much has to be left unsaid and is skimmed over, farcical. I could never be actual friends with them, just group/acquaintance. I know both are to blame as in the man too but I believe it is the woman that gives the green light for an affair. It devastated the first set of dc and of course their mothers, but the dc were fine once out of teens and had their own lives. It seriously financially disadvantaged the first dc, from what I can see. Both mothers left behind, I do not think did too well, not as well as they would have been if it had not all happened, they were older, had dc and that’s quite tough.

@randommum82 ignore the PA posts.

Your ex-BIL is a selfish weak piece of shit.

It's obvious you've come on here to vent, and it's obvious that you are a great caring and supportive sister.
I'm sure it will all be okay in the end, but sadly it just takes time.

A quick summary of what happened to my friend:

Her H left her after many many years for an older woman. (Horrible circumstances, it happened at my friend's business in her home).

He then became a monster to my friend and treated her appallingly. It very nearly destroyed her. As part of her punishment, he also screwed her financially.

He got OW to buy him a brandnew car (he's car mad).

He left OW shortly after she bought him the car. Schadenfreude.

After a few more flings, he realised what he had lost with my friend and that the grass was definitely not greener on the other side. My friend used to do EVERYTHING for him.

3/4 years later he came crawling back (tried to stick his tongue down her throat during their first meeting).

By that time, she had recovered and had met a lovely man, who she's still with and she's much happier than she ever was with her H.

Meanwhile her cheater ex has ended up on his own in a rented cold depressing 1 bed flat. He has lost lots of weight and looks utterly haunted.

The devastation he caused reached far and wide, and for what. Silly silly man, but he always was a bit of a dick in my opinion.

One could almost feel sorry for the man for being so stupid, BUT I DON'T.

Oh I remember another friend. Dh left, broke up with ow after a year, wanted to come back, she tried but ultimately couldn’t. He is estranged from dc and was not invited to weddings or seen gc. He might not care, he gave that vibe but my friend is really happy now and mainly single, she is independent and has her dc and gc in her life.
She is very good looking and had plenty of male interest but I think dh ruined her idea of relationships.

Firstly you're going to feel upset and angry, it's completely normal. This is how things have panned out in my dysfunctional family....

Father: serial cheat. Married I've forgotten how many times. Selfish personality. Flighty and shit father. Kids to different women, then they don't speak to him.
Uncle: cheated and married OW but I doubt he stayed faithful and she may well like the money he brings in. He father a child out of marriage with his first wife. Current OW depends on him I don't think she ever worked. Problems with some of his kids not all. Favoured his OW kids quite obviously. Kids from first marriage seem strong and non phased.
Uncle 2: married second OW. Probably got it all out of his system by now but who knows. If someone said they swing I would believe them.

Complete joke of family in some respects. They think they're amazing. Amazing at deception maybe.

Hopefully they stay together, they deserve each other

thank goodness your sister is free, free of this awful person, free to find someone who does deserve her, to love her & cherish her

if this ex is tearing her apart, I’d suggest talking to her solicitor about the abuse and keeping contact strictly to matters concerning the children

They are tarts too. Turd tarts.

And yet, when an OP on here recently started a thread about meeting someone at work, feeling mutual attraction but not acting on it (she was single, he was married, with a pregnant wife), until after he’d left his wife and the baby had been born, she was subjected to a torrent of abuse for breaking up the marriage. Despite the fact that the husband did exactly what is always advocated here on threads about affairs — ended his marriage before starting a relationship with someone else.

"Hysteria"? I don't get how you came to this diagnosis of OP from a post on the internet, you must be one ace psychiatrist!
Anyway, you are kicking OP whilst she's down and your post is doing nothing only making a hurting person feel even worse! For shame!
OP ignore the patronising and the PA posts; you love your sister and of course you're angry about what BIL and the OW have done to her and the kids! Hurt too and your feelings are valid! You've made it plain you're keeping those feelings to yourself and have come here to express them rather than venting to your DS, and that you're supporting her! Bless you for that! We have to offload negative feelings in a safe manner and that's what you're doing here! TBH the post above has annoyed me so I hope it hasn't upset you, and neither have the other patronising posts? I wish people would keep their own council if when they haven't anything constructive to say to someone who is clearly hurting! He may not have done this to you directly, but he's done it to people you really love and that HURTS! I feel for your sister, my X cheated on me and it's hard to describe how horrible it is, so I'm glad your sister and her children have you! Take no more notice of the nasty posts!

The couple I know of didn't last - the OW went back to her husband. But their children never forgave them and I think they found that the hardest thing. To live the rest of their lives knowing their kids view them as cheating liars.