I need to hear the stories of it not working out with OW

[randommum82]

I'll keep a very messy situation as short as I can. Six months ago exBIL walked out on my sister and two very young children after an affair and very soon after moved in with the OW. He's done the whole script, rewriting history etc etc. The truth is even though they were struggling, to her face he was making all the right noises, going for marriage counselling but never actually planned to save the marriage at all because he was seeing the OW all that time.

I am boiling over with rage for my exBIL and the OW. They have disrupted the lives of four very young children (two in each marriage - she is getting divorced so they can live their grand love) just to get their ends off, not to mention the wider misery they have caused. We are a close family and it has broken everyone's hearts not only to see my sister suffer like this but also to realise someone we loved so much (exBIL) was a deceitful cheat and liar all this time. It's so very shocking.

exBIL went from who we thought was a gentle, calm soul to actually being a very immature and very toxic manchild. If anyone stands up for my sister in their wider circle, he takes it out on her and verbally tears her down. So we all hold our tongues.

Please make me feel better by sharing stories of how badly this went for the cheating dog and their OW. It will give me a lot of satisfaction. I've never wished anyone misery. But I do for my exBIL and his cheap tart.

I think you need to rein it in, you’re going to make a bad situation way worse with all your hysteria. Honestly you come across like you’re loving the drama, stop it now, support her and quit all the cheating dog cheap tart hyperbole.

Sorry I didn't mean to offend by calling her a cheap tart.

They're both twats/selfish pricks/lying scum/immoral ratbags. Take your pick. I will be more careful about the words I, as a woman, use to describe a fellow of member of the sisterhood who had no problem merrily stabbing another woman in the back and ruining her marriage. My mistake! She's probably a wonderful human being right? An expensive confection rather than a cheap tart :P

Anyway, I just wanted to rage as in real life I have to be stoic and solid.

Yea dirty tramp is more modern and down to earth,call her that instead!

I’m sorry you lost me too. If you wished to support your sister you’d have been looking at the future, understanding how it went wrong, why they were struggling, the marriage counselling how to help support the kids, ensure they know they are loved, take the burden and do some child care or cook or whaver.

but instead you’re on line like you’re gossiping about it.

This happened to one of my best friends. It was devastating at the time, she went through 2 years of hell.

Her ex is now very happily married to
the OW (and we went to his wedding 15 years ago), and my friend has met a nice guy.

Not sure hoping the new relationship goes tits up is logical. Surely it’s better if it lasts than if a married was destroyed for a meaningless fling? Sometimes marriages go wrong or peter out. But she definitely went through a completely mental phase of hating and blaming the OW and wishing misery on the pair of them. That’s no way to live.

I agree with this. And I think my DC are doing better for having a happy Dad in a stable relationship.
Time is a healer & only over time have a seen that he wasn’t the man that I thought I married and OW is welcome to him.

Honestly posts like these are so sanctimonious and irritating!
The OP is on an anonymous forum venting about a horrible situation in her family's life caused by two incredibly selfish people.
It's literally the point of a forum like this! She isn't shouting about it in the pub or gossiping about it in the school playground.
Stop being so ridiculous!

People will come along and say that it’s all 50/50 whether it works out with OW. Anecdotally, I really think it does not work out most of the time.

I know someone who cheated on his wife with a work colleague. Left her for said woman. Then cheated on the mistress with another woman, who he ended up marrying and having a child with. He then unceremoniously left her 7 years later (no one knows why).

I know someone who left their spouse (with a toddler) for a man from their work. They were on and off for years with many proclamations of being true ‘soulmates’ (she was desperate for marriage and more kids). Eventually he left her in the cruelest of ways saying she was a terrible mother and he could never have a family with her.

The OP is supporting her sister, she has come on here to let off steam and say out loud things she cannot IRL, to get them off her chest- it is possible to do both!

OP was merely venting and letting off steam. I don't care what she calls the OW - personally I'd have chosen something stronger for both the BIL and OW.

Any person that actively seeks out and has an affair with a married other with young children is particularly low and totally lacking in integrity regardless of sex.

There's a woman in her 60's in our village - think Mutton dressed as lamb, cougar type. She's wrecked many a marriage, no qualms - it is almost a sport to her, pursuing any middle aged man, gullible enough to fall under her spell and she doesn't stop there, she flaunts and gloats this around the poor wife of her latest conquest. Harassing via texts and emails. She's referred to as the 'Slapper' and 'village bike' in our local. A title well deserved. There is little sympathy for her.

Fed up with the old 'misogyny' banner being waived. This woman knew exactly what she was doing.

https://www.standard.co.uk/showbiz/strictly-come-dancing-kristina-rihanoff-ben-cohen-fighting-save-relationship-b1180974.html

@OWRLOSERS and the men, those poor men, victims of the village bike, do they get called names and treated with contempt too?

Men also know exactly what they're doing when they start to fuck around behind their partners / wives backs.

Sounds like you couldn't have been kinder to his wife actually.

Well she made her own choices, like marriages it works or doesn't but people need to own their own choices

I get you love your sister and are upset for her. But anyone reading this would think he cheated on you. You are far too invested in this. Forget him forget the OW and just be there for your sister and her dc while they rebuild their lives.

My exh met someone two weeks after we separated, not even spoken to solicitors yet. The whole thing was awful, everything was so toxic.
I was mainly sad for my daughter when then split two years later. My ex had ingrained her in to our 4yr olds life and then over night if was gone. She really felt that pain and had counselling.
I think for you it’s better to hope it works and that four small children don’t get anymore hurt or messed up. Having been a step parent to my exes daughter with a combination of our three kids under 5 it was such hard work when one isn’t yours. I also left him but was so careful with his daughter that she’s now 17yrs and still in my life.

Here is a story of it not working out. H got together with W when they were 20. They had known each other from school. Ten blissful years of happy marriage followed, cottage in the country, good jobs, dogs, walking, pub with friends, lots of foreign holidays and even an unusual hobby together. Life was sunny.

Then kids came along, baptisms, family parties, photos. The roses continued to grow up the wall of the cottage.

But kids cry, nappies need changing and life just changes for a while. H decided he needed to reclaim his life somehow and found solice in his friendship with OW, someone H worked with, let’s call her D.

H started working longer hours to put money aside for his family. In doing so, he left the house early in the morning and started to arrive home later in the evenings. To compensate for these longer working hours, he needed more ‘ relaxation time’ and took up a new hobby, spending part of each weekend away.

That hobby was shagging D. Eventually W found out and in the space of 48 hours H had left W and his children to move in with D.

Six blissful years of living together in another cottage in a nearby village followed. Dogs, walking, different pubs with different friends, foreign holidays in exactly the same places where H and W had gone, all those years ago. D also took up the unusual hobby with H who got his 20’s back. Living the dream again.

Then D got broody. Kids came along and marriage too. H had an expensive divorce from W who ‘took everything’ so H needed to work longer hours to provide for family number two. In doing so he left the house early and started to arrive home later in the evenings. Eventually he moved in with S and left D and his family number two.

H and S lived for several blissful years in a small cottage in a nearby town. They went walking at weekends, went to the pub, foreign holidays where H had taken W and D all those years ago…etc.

You are understandably hurt and angry and disappointed OP. Your exBIL is not the good person you thought he was and he has hurt someone you love, your sister. By extension he has hurt and let you down as you treated him and thought of him as a brother. Its a huge loss, like the person you thought you knew and could rely on is not only not there anymore - but also was deceiving you all along anyway. The good person you trusted to love your sister has betrayed that trust.

Its really tough and you have my sympathy. I think you should vent here all you like, its important to have acknowledgement for these feelings of anger and disappointment towards your exBIL who has let you down so badly, when you need to be calm for your sister the rest of the time.

rubeexcube, was just thinking Rugby Ben & the Russian Dancer.

His ex (who is gorgeous & had their twins) had a breakdown.
She was advised to maintain dignity & suck it up, at the time.

I sincerely hope she’s having the last laugh now!

Most times it doesn’t work out tbh. The foundations for a loving relationship are just not there. The pain they have caused will every be too much to bear. When they wake up from the honeymoon period and dopamine stops, then guilt creeps in.

I have been there with my ex. My advice to you and your sister is to keep as much limited contact as possible. I know no contact is not possible because of the kids. Process your emotions through therapy or journaling, but make sure you divert your energy to healing and doing nice things. Divert your focus away from these two people. There is no need for revenge etc. They biggest harm is what they have done to themselves.

He won’t I m afraid. When the hormones wear off he will have to face a harsh reality. They both will have to face a harsh reality.
What you say about the hornones is true, however I think most adults can handle it, ignore a simple crash and not allow it to develop to something more.

A few years back I read an interesting reply from someone on this subject, which if true is very unique and in a way very satisfying. A friends husband of this posters had been through the script and announced he was leaving her for the other woman. Instead the wife who had been cheated on, packed a bag, and left the family home herself, leaving him to deal with their children and the home, and everything that entails, so he didn’t get to just swan off and live a bachelor life like so many men get to do, he had to live the life as a single parent while his ex wife had the usual visitation rights the man usually enjoys. In time the OW drifted away, because of course she didn’t sign up for having to deal with the family of her newly won prize and he was left as the single parent. I can’t remember which thread this was on, or even if it was true, but if it was it’s quite a satisfying outcome, of course I understand why a lot of ex wives could not bring themselves to leave the children, but in a way it would be great if more did.

Friend of mine left his wife and two young kids for a woman he'd been seeing for two years at the other end of the country. Had a successful job/quite well off. Wife kept the house.

Married OW soon as divorce came through, split up with her two years later. Moved around a bit, living in different rentals. Moved in with another woman, lived with her in her house. She chucked him out a year or so later.

Got made redundant, ended up in a rented flat working as a delivery driver. Kids are now older, don't have much to do with him. His ex still lives in their marital home, with her lovely partner who's a few years younger and treats her like a queen.

I know people take great pleasure in affairs not lasting but the way I see it having them last is better. I wanted my ex’s new marriage to work as otherwise what’s the point in all that upheaval. Ten odd years later they’re getting divorced but honestly I’m disappointed. I’d rather he was staying married than being let loose again.