DM not approving of traditional marriage celebration after divorce/ child

[DMDRAMA]

This really getting to me and I feel the need to vent.

(For context, I have DC who considers DP as the only father figure in his life. DP had a relatively amicable divorce, and his EW had moved on to her current partner before we met through OLD. DP has lovely DC we have 50/50. So fairly low drama blended family)

My DM generally very much likes my DP of 5 years. She can't seem to get to grips with his divorce however. She has only recently stopped referring to his ex wife as his 'wife'. She makes comments like 'he has another family', like I'm a mistress.

We are planning on getting married in a church. DM keeps stressing how she would never get married in a church if she had got married before - she would make it a low key thing and go to a registry office. She was discouraging me from wearing white.

She seems to think a divorcee and known fallen woman (as a former single parent) should not be celebrating!. I feel its really putting a downer on things for me.

(DM is still of working age by the way - almost a gen Xer, so I don't think it can be explained as a generational thing)

Is she Catholic as in the Catholic faith you can't remarry in a church if your a divorcee

My DM droned on about me not marrying in white as I wasn't a virgin.

I actually had no intention of wearing white but nearly did it to spite her.

It slowly became apparent she was just regurgitating what her mum had told her and her mum her back until the dawn of misogyny.

Congratulations OP on your lovely DP and forthcoming wedding. I hope you all have a lovely day.

She is somewhat rigid in her ideas. I think it´s somewhat odd when people who marry a second time wear full on wedding dresses. I did that once and wouldn´t do it for a second marriage. But then I am 50 now so that colours my judgement. But I would never comment to the person involved, I would tell them they look gorgeous and that´s that. Your mum should keep those ideas to herself and quit pissing on your parade. And if the Church has no problem with you marrying in a church I don´t see what it has to do with your mum.

DM keeps stressing how she would never get married in a church if she had got married before - she would make it a low key thing and go to a registry office

Ok, so if she is in that situation, she's free to do that.

Every time she starts on this, just ignore - easy. Let’s agree to disagree mum/you are entitled to your opinion/thanks for your feedback/Im not talking about this again, we are having the wedding we want.. on repeat.

Is she very religious? Tbh these are quite common - if old fashioned - views for previous generations.

If she starts on about this again I'd be firm and say "Not everyone thinks what you think about second marriages, we are happy, we love each other, and it's up to us how we celebrate that."

If it offends her so much she doesn't have to attend. Sorry she is bringing you down, that's not nice and not fair.

I also had the reverse from MIL 'I wish you had got married in church '

DH had to point out to her that she didn't actually go to church and he was an atheist.

She still grumbled.

People, and especially women as being a bride is somehow a bigger deal than a groom, often have quite fixed ideas about what a wedding should look like and then are surprised when those views aren't shared. Often as it is a big demonstration that you are an adult now and are allowed to have your own opinions.

I wouldn't be having that. We aren't in the 1950s anymore. She needs to get over it.

I got married twice in church, with a white dress the first time and an ivory dress the second time.

But that was only because I really liked the ivory dress.

🤣

<shrug>

Those are her views. She's entitled to them. Ask her to keep them to herself because you don't agree and don't want to hear them. Tell her that repeating them is putting a downer on your wedding planning.

What else is there?

I love people who say this. Wearing white is nothing to do with virginity. If became fashionable when queen Victoria chose white for her wedding dress and it just stuck.
Before that, rich people had a dress made in either an expensive fabric (purple, for example, was an expensive dye) or in a pale yellow of blue (because a light colour will get dirty and possibly not been worn again). Both were a show of wealth.

Less well off (or less frivolous) people just wore their best dress.

I woukd just calmly tell her that she accepts your wedding plans and attends, or doesn’t and won’t be there.

It’s your day, you wear whatever you want.

Mmmmmm

Lets be honest, people can say what they want but if two middle aged divorcees (with kids) get married in a big church wedding and the bride is wearing a big white dress, then people do roll their eyes.

People can claim they don’t, but most do.

However, I’ve never known a wedding that hasn’t upset someone over something. So you just ignore and plan the wedding you want. However, you can’t complain that people will have an opinion on it.

Just don’t talk about your plans with your mother. She isn’t going to change her mind and think it’s appropriate, so just leave her out the loop and don’t get stressed about it. I’m sure on the actual day, she will realise that you’re both happy and that’s the main thing.

@Twistybranch

I'm in my early thirties ;) DP bit older

@Hoardasurass

She is Catholic actually yes but not very practising

thanks!

I really, really doubt that most people under 50 roll their eyes when they see a big white wedding between two people who have clearly had serious relationships before.

But then again, it never fails to surprise me how mean and begrudging people are of other people's happiness.

I don't know anyone who thinks it's wrong to remarry in church.

Both the ministers who married me, the first time and the second, were themselves divorced.

I got divorced from my first husband because he beat me up. When I married my second husband, I still wanted a church wedding.
We go to church anyway, and wouldn't have wanted to marry in a register office.

I would - I would put the same effort in to any wedding, regardless of how the last one ended (I've only been married once, and still together, so my decision may change, IDK)

Are you planning on getting married in a Catholic Church? That might be a problem.

It's the Catholic background talking.

Ignore it.

I'm nearly 60 and I've never rolled my eyes at anyone's wedding, I'm just happy for them.

Funny what people get stuck on, isn't it? My mum - solidly Gen X, not superstitious or religious - was scandalised that I stayed with DH the night before our wedding. She wasn't bothered about the tradition so much as it didn't seem 'proper', with the implication that we'd be having sex - but we'd lived together for 6 years at this point, so I've no idea what she thought we'd been doing til then haha.

Ignore her when she starts, or bat it back to her very calmly with questions - why does it matter? What do you mean, I'm not ""pure"" so I can't wear white? Why does it matter if he gets married again? Who cares what anyone else thinks as long as we're happy? etc etc. That's what I did with my mum and eventually she ran out of answers that weren't "I feel weird about it", at which point I had to say - but that doesn't mean I shouldn't do it? :) And she shut up about it haha.

I think you'd be best to just tell her her views are awfully outdated (and misogynistic) and that you will have the wedding where you want to and wear what you want to. If not, she's going to keep on in this vein and potentially ruin a really happy time for you.

This is true about many people eye-rolling - and also the post above saying that actually strictly speaking from a religious point of view I don’t think you are supposed to marry again in a church if Catholic. So your mum isn’t making this up.
I think the white thing is more custom than religion.
I think these days churches are more lenient ( think they are just pleased people even want anything to do with region at all in an increasingly secular society so they turn a blind eye.) However one thing that I do tend to think is if you aren’t religious and don’t think the “ rules” hold for much, why do you even want a religious ceremony? Is it just the aesthetics? Nice building etc?

The Catholic Church views marriage as one of the seven sacraments, hence your DMs reaction. She may be genuinely worried as she will have been bought up to understand marriage as a church sacrament before it’s a legal contract. However within the cathechism there is some room to manure if the innocent party of a divorce, who worked to uphold their first marriage, is abandoned by their spouse and then divorced, wants to remarry with the churches blessing. If that’s the case then speak with the catholic parish priest about the family situation.

The Anglican Church (CofE) has more wiggle room but it does NOT view marriage as a sacrament. It only has two in the form of baptism and the Eucharist. Banns are read three times for a church wedding and have to have no just impedimental objection before a wedding can happen in a CofE church. Again speak with the CofE priest about your families situation.

Some CofE churches are catholic wing and look rather like most Catholic Churches and have strong links through churches together with nearby catholic parishes . Some are not. You do need to have a link to the parish before you can marry there but again the priest in charge can guide further.

Tell her to shut up or not come. So so rude and outdated.