DM not approving of traditional marriage celebration after divorce/ child

[DMDRAMA]

This really getting to me and I feel the need to vent.

(For context, I have DC who considers DP as the only father figure in his life. DP had a relatively amicable divorce, and his EW had moved on to her current partner before we met through OLD. DP has lovely DC we have 50/50. So fairly low drama blended family)

My DM generally very much likes my DP of 5 years. She can't seem to get to grips with his divorce however. She has only recently stopped referring to his ex wife as his 'wife'. She makes comments like 'he has another family', like I'm a mistress.

We are planning on getting married in a church. DM keeps stressing how she would never get married in a church if she had got married before - she would make it a low key thing and go to a registry office. She was discouraging me from wearing white.

She seems to think a divorcee and known fallen woman (as a former single parent) should not be celebrating!. I feel its really putting a downer on things for me.

(DM is still of working age by the way - almost a gen Xer, so I don't think it can be explained as a generational thing)

I consider myself a Christian (albeit a liberal and lapse one!) so to me I feel marriage in a church is nice.

We would be marrying in our local v. progressive COE church so divorce not an issue. It's connected to community hall and orgs which I'm involved with for some years...so is sort of meaningful in that way as well.

My DM knows the church is fine with it, as she has (repeatedly) asked before.

I have talked to Catholic Priest, but I don't want to make atheist DP jump through the many hoops to potentially marry in Catholic church.

My mum thought it was terrible i'd taken my wedding ring off when I started dating my now husband as "I was a widow!" My husband is a divorcee. There were no thunderbolts as I walked down the aisle.
She grew to really like him over the years thankfully.

She also told me at 15 she wanted me to be a virgin when I got married! I was at 15 but not at 18. Then 2 months before my first marriage she asked what contraception I was going to use. I'd been with my fiancé for 3 years and still couldn't bring myself to say " the same as I've used for 3 years"

I think her generation, she would have been 88 now, had different views but sounds like OP mum is probably not much older than me (I'm 61) but I'm maybe a bit wilder!!

That all makes sense. I had the impression you were both atheist…

Actually that is really rude to people who are practising Catholics. Religion doesn’t get “ outdated”; it’s a belief system and many people still practise these beliefs.

@triballeader

Thanks for this, I talked to the Priest about this, and for various reasons I think with a lot of effort it would be doable, but I don't want to pressure DP to jump through a lot of hoops right now, and stir up difficult emotions for something he doesn't believe in.

Our local CoE church wouldn't be a problem.

The beliefs are outdated

So many religious people pick and choose which bits they want to follow

I do think it’s a bit silly when people throw very big weddings multiple times. Repeatedly asking friends and family to buy you gifts, say a different partner is your true love, plus other expenses (big hen/stag, huge bridal parties, international travel involved) should be taken with a level of seriousness. I know someone who had the same best man for his two weddings (5 years apart) and then divorced for a second time. We do wonder if the best man will be third time lucky as he will likely marry again! So I can see the argument for maybe a more demure approach for especially 3rd and 4th marriages.

But for a second marriage where one of the couple has never been married especially - they deserve a lovely celebration too.

And still rude…

Well, the not remarrying doesn't apply if your DP a) isn't Catholic and/or b) didn't get married in a Catholic Church first time round. As far as the Church is concerned, he's a bachelor marrying a spinster of the parish in those circumstances.

Just tell your DM she’s entitled to her views but you don’t share them. And that you don’t wish to hear any more about it. If she tries bringing it up again, be firm. Mum we’ve already spoken about this and I’m not talking about it any more.

My DM was brought up catholic. Never went to church. Had virtually communist political views and once told me if I didn't marry in church, she wouldn't come.

We married just over a year after she died. An analyst would have a field day inside my head.

Plan the wedding you and your DP want and have a wonderful day!

If you and your partner have faith and belief, and the vicar is ok with it, this is fine. Our lovely vicar would have no issue - she is a divorcee and remarried so has an open mind. She would assess on a case by case basis (that applies to first timers too).

Still true

Have the wedding you want, OP. Your situation sounds lovely, by the way. It's heartening to come across a blended family on MN that is working well.

In some churches you can't get remarried in the church. So it's not an outlandish view, but also in a church that does allow then it's not an issue at all!!

Lots of people follow it very strictly. You don’t have to so why be so insulting?

There aren’t many things these days that people tolerate open insults about in terms of lifestyle, tastes or culture so why should Christianity not be afforded that respectfulness.

Oh I'm not limiting myself to Christianity.

All religions have people that pick and choose the bits they want to, and ignore those they don't want.

Religions are chock full of hypocrites. No point denying it.

If this is hitting a nerve with you, then maybe reflect on why that is

I think I know exactly what the raw nerve is actually.

These days there is so much intolerance of opinion and people are encouraged not to say anything to rock the boat. That’s all very well as far as it goes provided it’s genuinely about not causing offence to anyone. But it seems to me - and spending a little time on these threads reinforces it- it would seem that what people really mean is that there is selective silencing. Toffs and religion are still fair game. That’s not rationally logical. It’s bigoted and hypocritical. So that’s the raw nerve.

EW & I married in church, my first her second.

The evidence strongly suggests that she either isnt capable of forming a relationship or entered into marriage for her financial gain.

Were we really married?

I think it´s somewhat odd when people who marry a second time wear full on wedding dresses

Why? If we take the “tradition” out of what white and veils signify, isn’t it just a great opportunity to wear an amazing gown? I’m divorced and wore a red dress for my wedding which was in Vegas but I’d be going for something jaw dropping if I was to remarry.

I don't think it's very nice to just insult people on the basis of religion - where's the evidence and why say it ?

I wonder if your mother is ever really happy for you. I'm betting there's always something, in her opinion, that's not quite right or not very positive about any situation.

That is very true - she sabotages nice occassions

Why would he get married in a church if he is an atheist? Surely the vows will mean nothing to him.

I'm probably a similar age to your DM. I'm 60 so on the very end of the Boomer generation and almost Gen X. When I got married - 1990 - the choice was only church or registry office, and people didn't remarry in church then if one of you was a divorcee - very frowned upon (if allowed at all) - so I think it does have a generational aspect to it. Heightened in this case as your DM is Catholic. Even if she's not practicing it was likely drilled in to her as she was growing up.

I personally do wonder why people marry in church these days when there are so many other pretty venues available, unless you're particularly religious and are a regular church-goer.