DM not approving of traditional marriage celebration after divorce/ child

[DMDRAMA]

This really getting to me and I feel the need to vent.

(For context, I have DC who considers DP as the only father figure in his life. DP had a relatively amicable divorce, and his EW had moved on to her current partner before we met through OLD. DP has lovely DC we have 50/50. So fairly low drama blended family)

My DM generally very much likes my DP of 5 years. She can't seem to get to grips with his divorce however. She has only recently stopped referring to his ex wife as his 'wife'. She makes comments like 'he has another family', like I'm a mistress.

We are planning on getting married in a church. DM keeps stressing how she would never get married in a church if she had got married before - she would make it a low key thing and go to a registry office. She was discouraging me from wearing white.

She seems to think a divorcee and known fallen woman (as a former single parent) should not be celebrating!. I feel its really putting a downer on things for me.

(DM is still of working age by the way - almost a gen Xer, so I don't think it can be explained as a generational thing)

I’m not sure why you appended that to my quote. I’m of that view too: why do atheists marry in churches. I asked op and she explained she isn’t atheist.

Yes sorry @Calliopespa I quoted the wrong post. Meant to quote the op.

what? why would the vows mean more anywhere else to someone who is an atheist?! he's not bothered about the location, but I am, as someone of Christian faith

Those that God hath joined together?

Bur he's entering into a legal contract in front of (human) witnesses and officiated by someone with the legal standing to do so. It doesn't really matter if there's religion sprinkled on top as long as he's fully understanding what he's signing up to.

I think your post perfectly sums up a lot of people's attitude to religion in the UK. Let's take the bits we like (picturesque church setting) and ignore the rest. I am considering changing my user name to religionsprinkledontop.

Apparently the Queen disapproved of Meghan Markle's white wedding dress. She thought it inappropriate due to divorce but she was 90 year old.

This is an old tradition.
Either you listen or you don't.

This is 2024, people do as they please x

Is this your first marriage OP??

Every time she says ‘You should marry apologetically, wearing a grey suit and carrying a single, slightly withered, flower, in the saddest, most run-down-looking register office you can find’, start talking gleefully about your cathedral length veil, white rose arches, seventeen bridesmaids, couture gown, dove release etc etc.

I find the idea of a second church wedding very odd. I’d don’t understand why it doesn’t feel weird making the same vows, that you’ve already broken once, in the same way. I think the memories of the first wedding would be impossible to avoid and would tarnish the second somehow. If it was me I’d want to do something completely different,

If she doesnt like it she doesn't have to come

@Sandysoles

my fiancé didn’t get married in a church before. Again, I want to get married in a church because I consider myself a Christian

yes like my mother, who doesn't go to mass, who never had an issue with contraception, who isn't bothered about sex outside marriage, reads the guardian ect....but was hugely scandalised when I had an unplanned baby (despite being a working adult)

if it was purely a religious thing for her, then we could look more at annulment, and marrying catholic. but that wouldn't appease my mother because its not religious, i think its more tradition/ middle class morality - something like that

It's easy to find you have views you didn't even know you had from your upbringing. Aged 55 I would say there's definitely a generational element here - the restrictions on where and who you could marry were so much tighter when your mum was growing up, both in laws, religious rules and in social expectations. She was probably quite long married even when it became possible to marry in a non-church/non-register office . On the positive side, she sees your wedding as important and meaningful. Try and be nice but firm.

It was second time around for both DH and I and we set about planning it with the motto "our day, our way".

Neither of us wanted the big white do and we ended up annoying a few family members because we had no guests at all, it was just us and our children.

Lost count of the number of times we had to remind some family members that they were entitled to their opinions on our day, but it wouldn't make us change our mind. We stuck to our guns and had a wonderful wedding day.

The idea that people who aren’t virgins marrying their first love should skulk around in the shadows so as not to offend society is very outdated, and I say that as someone in my 60’s.
The sad aspect here is that your own mother doesn’t support you in doing something which makes you happy.
I think you should shut her down with responses along the lines of she had her wedding her way, and you’ll have yours how you want it.
I did the whole white church wedding first time. It didn’t work out and it ended in divorce. I hadn’t broken any of my vows so I didn’t feel I shouldn’t be allowed to re marry in church, but we had a ‘Hell and brimstone’ minister at the time, and I just didn’t feel comfortable with him.
The registry office staff were lovely.
I was far from being a spring chicken but I had the full works, long dress, veil, etc - in scarlet! If anyone judged me I didn’t care. It was a case of those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
Enjoy your big day.

Don't let a sourpuss spoil your day. Wear what makes you happy and in a place you both choose. It seems there is a lot of love to celebrate so a church would be glad to have you, and white means new beginning not some stupid notion of purity.

Has your mother stepped out of a time machine from 1970? Her views are very outdated.

Be straight with her.

Have a calm direct conversation , tell her you love DP, you have / will have a conversation with the vicar who is cool with it, that you and DP have made your decisions, she may not agree, but her going on about it is dragging you down. So if she cannot simply be happy for you and join the wedding planning with joy, could she please not bring it up again. Than you Mum.

Then when she starts “we had this discussion, no more to be said’ and grey rock , grey rock, grey rock.

If she continues or ramps it up look her in the eye and say “ are you telling me you don’t wish to attend the wedding I am planning? If so let me know now so that I can factor your absence into my plans”.

If she brings it up again calmly leave, say ‘end of conversation, I’ll see you out’ or cut her off on the phone.

Translation: I'm a mean, judgemental person so I assume everyone else is.

I wouldn't roll my eyes and I don't know anyone in my peer group who would. It's 2024, so many people are on their second or third marriages at this point it's just not something anyone who has better things to do than be snidey and judgemental of other people's happiness bats an eyelid at.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage OP, you do whatever you want and have a wonderful day. If your mum brings it up just tell her "that's nice mum, if you ever get remarried you can do it in a blue dress at the registry office. This is what we're doing though, please don't spoil it by being judgemental."

No ones business but yours. Is she paying for it? Anyway you haven't beeb married before so have the whole deal. Enjoy your day.

Congratulations! Have a wonderful wedding and a long and happy life together.
Have the wedding you want, in a place that means something to you.
If i was in your position I would have a gentle but firm conversation with my DM to say I hear your views but this is OUR day and our way so I would appreciate you not commenting. End of.

Actually, ordained ministers have always had the power to marry people in any venue..albeit church would be encouraged or preferred. It was civil ceremonies that had to always be in a registrar's office until early 2000s. And as a very much baby boomer, even I find your mother's attitude archaic. As would all of my same age friends. It's not generational, it's probably her worrying what other people will think or say. It's none of her or anyone else's business. Your day... your way !!!!!

This is what you need to be dealing with. It isn’t the Church- it’s the sabotage.

How about putting that front and centre.
She obviously has some very skewed ideas going on in her head, and your task is to make her articulate them, so that you can say “I disagree, and I find it disappointing that you’re so disrespectful of my life”. She is getting away with not owning her opinions, and you need to politely put a stop to that.