Can someone ever learn to communicate better?

[Bee3456]

Ive been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a guy. When I met him we had both just got divorced, we both have nor want kids, I’m 42, he’s 52.

From the beginning it was obvious he struggled to communicate, he would literally shut down and stare into space if anything emotional was discussed. He was the first to say he loved me and has been very loving and caring up till a few months ago

The lack of communication has got worse, and the blaming for absolutely everything started. If I burn my hand on the oven, he won’t ask how I am, just that I should be looking at what I’m doing. I’m constantly reminded that I haven’t put something back properly, put the tea towel how he wants it, made his coffee using all the correct steps or put the pans back in the cupboard at the correct angle.

I tripped and fell down the bottom few stairs today, injuring my ankle. He just turned his head and told me I should be more careful, no rushing over to see if I’m okay, no concern shown whatsoever.

I told him I felt so unloved today. This was via text as he’s told me he can not discuss emotions unless it’s via text from a different room. He replied and said he feels so sad about work issues. No sadness, apologies or discussion.

I literally feel unwanted. He says if I don’t know he loves me then there’s nothing he can do. His ex wife is an alcoholic, and for the last 3 years of their marriage they didn’t speak (I can’t absolutely believe that)

He will refuse to talk and 100% will not consider counselling.

Im about to accept there is no future here, even though I desperately want there to be, but before I do I want to see if anyone has any suggestions of how I can get him to communicate- or even if it possible for someone like this to change.

You can't get him to do anything. You can only control your actions and reactions. He sounds extremely controlling and lacking in empathy. Personally, I think you should leave now. Don't waste your time. This really is as good as it gets. He's not going to change.

The lacking in empathy is probably spot on actually. If I am upset because something happened at work or because my dad is very unwell, he’ll sit in silence. He’ll then ask a totally unrelated question like ‘did your dad get his car fixed the other day’

I have tried to separate before and he has told me he will try his best to show more care and doesn’t want to lose me. But it never happens.
Hes rude and abrupt with anyone he comes into contact with but doesn’t seem to understand that’s how he comes across

Would writing a letter help do you think? I’ve done it before and he actually did burst into tears. But nothing changed. It’s so hard to let go but this will only get worse

Why on earth would you want to have a future with a selfish, controlling, no empathy, man child who refuses to face conversations like a grown up?

Honestly is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

You’re assuming it’s a communication problem but that assumes he has different feelings than the ones he is communicating, which isn’t necessarily the case. It’s quite possible he’s just not very nice

He can be lovely, sometimes he’ll sit watching tv and turn to me and tell me how much he loves me, how glad that I’m his life. But that’s when he has no stress or is worried about something.

I had a very abusive marriage and took a couple of years to pick myself up and build my self esteem and then I met him when I wasn’t really expecting it. He seemed so kind and a real gentleman. Perhaps that was me comparing someone that is actually pretty awful, now I’m writing it down, to someone that was an abuser.

He has told me before that he doesn’t have emotions. Everything seems to be about money - my friends mum had a terminal cancer, his first comment to me was she’ll be in for some money then.

It’s so bloody hard to walk away and start again. But that’s it now, if I walk away, I’m single for the foreseeable- I’ll be just fine alone.

Just end the relationship. Do you live together? Who's home is it?

It is possible, but it requires a desire to change and couples therapy.

To be brutally honest I think you're flogging a dead horse. You're trying to find a way to change his whole personality, and this isn't within your control. What's the point of being in a relationship with someone so cold and unfeeling? Why do you want to stay with him, what are you getting from it? Maybe see a counsellor on your own to unpick why you stay. It's such a lonely place to be.

You’re absolutely right. I hadn’t considered that possibility. Maybe the mask of actively trying to be ‘nice’ is too difficult to maintain and now I see the real him.
Theres an awful lot of compromise from me (permanent ED since meeting, very particular about everything, can’t breathe without being corrected) but very little from him

We rent together but each have our own places that we own (location issues) so potentially could give my tenant notice and go back there

See I think you can learn to communicate better, but it isn’t easy and it takes a lot of time, effort and honestly- discomfort, to change. And I also think it’s not something you can just learn once and then be changed forever. It’s something you have to commit to every day, forever, and obviously that takes a huge amount of willpower and desire to change, especially at his age, because the way he is now is perhaps all he has ever known and so changing that permanently is going to be a constant task for him.

Only he knows if he is prepared to put in that work.

The thing is when you’ve been in an abusive relationship, your bar is so skewed that you meet someone who’s only 70% an arsehole and you see that as an improvement on your last partner and reading your posts I think that’s what’s happened here tbh.

Him just doing stuff that should be standard in a decent relationship inbetween the crap doesn’t actually make him a good guy

He was just so different, I appreciated the small things, he would open doors for me, carry my bags from the car, gave the best cuddles.
He told me he didn’t think like a ‘normal’ person but that I understood him. He was incredibly generous, booking surprise holidays and lovely gifts. He can be affectionate - as long as it’s not in public, I’m not squashing the sofa cushions if I lean over/not scratching the floor if the sofa moves etc etc.

But all of that, it’s just not enough withouy feeling like I have someone to lean on or rely on. I was recently diagnosed with an eye condition and his first response was that it was my own fault for looking at my phone too long or any other number of things.

I just feel so incredibly lonely and alone. But I have to decide if I would actually feel less lonely, being alone

Get yourself out of this shitty relationship where he is almost always horrible to you, co trolling, but very occasionally says a short nice thing. Run an absolute mile from him, he will ruin and shorten your life and happiness. Get away from him. None of what you have described is normal or acceptable. Be brave, you deserve a happy life and he doesn't care or care for you. Care for yourself instead by puttng yourself out of harms way, because that's what this is, he isn't safe or good or kind. Get some therapy and free yourself from him. Take care love.

You need to give notice and move back into your own place. Make sure you do all the exit stuff like providing the meter readings to the utility companies, informing council tax, DVLA ect. Also take time stamped photos on the day you leave in case he trashes the place. Do be surprised if you get suicide threats and sobbing when you leave. Unfortunately, I think you've gone from one abuser to another.

Honestly it sounds awful, and you have no children, so I think you should leave. I’m sorry, I know it’s hard to do, much easier to say.

He’s a relatively high flyer so I don’t think he’d do that - he’s probably likely to send me extravagant gifts or provide me with that scrap of love I’m so desperate for.

I know this sounds really cowardly, but I think the best way is to move out when he’s at work. There is none of my furniture there, only my clothes. I just think I’d be persuaded out of it if he were there

His lack of communication is very LOOD communication. He is avoiding talking about things he doesn't want to.

I have recently been with a guy who was like that. He had a lot of good going on about him but he was emotionally unavailable and had avoidant tendencies stemming from a traumatic childhood.
I lasted 4 months. I couldn’t deal with it longer. I liked a lot of things about him and would support him If he decided to seek counseling but I m afraid I cannot fix him or do the work for him. And I cannot handle these shut downs and the fact I cannot talk to him about my problems.
Thus we split. I don’t know how you managed to last 2.5 years. I found it torturing at times.

OP. I would seriously consider ending it. I had a controlling unpleasant H (cannot bring myself to type DH) who was similar. Literally if he hurt me, banged in to me, stood on my foot, it would be my fault. No apology nothing. Just a criticism. It all left me very hollow and lonely inside. He's an ex now and thankfully so.

Move out! Do it, just do it as soon as you can. Serve an S21 asap to your tenants before legislation puts the kybosh on that. You need your place back pdq.

Get on with it Missus. You’re flogging a dead horse.

Or even, based on OP's posts, that he is a psychopath - not necessarily in the serial-killer sense, but more in the sense of not being wired up to "get" feelings at all except in relation to his own agenda.

Doesn't sound great OP, whatever way you look at it. The thing is that a relationship is meant to be just that: relating to someone other than yourself. Ideally this should come easily because you are mutually compatible. If it's a struggle, not great. If it's nonexistent, move on.

I probably felt sorry for him and wanted to help or work on it with him.
Did your ex try to make it work after you left or was that too much of a stress for him to communicate that

If he is showing no concern for you when you are hurt and haranguing you about every little thing, that's not a problem with communication. He is actually able to communicate his disdain for you very clearly. Funny how it's just respect, concern and compassion he has trouble communicating, isn't it. Occam's Razor applies here- if somebody acts like he doesn't care about you, it's because he doesn't care about you. If he did he would get counselling. He would want to fix this.

The exact same thing happened to me, even including the falling down the basement stairs and no concern expressed. He shut down any discussion and blamed me for everything.
I later found out it was because he was having an affair. I'm not saying your guy is cheating, but I am saying that when somebody shows no concern for you and constantly criticizes you and blames you, this is a person who does not love you. His fear of emotions may well be real, but he is also using it as an excuse to avoid dealing with you.
IMO this relationship is not going to work, and it seems you are coming to the same conclusion. I'm sorry.

I know this deep down. We would have had a very comfortable life together but I can’t sell my soul so I can have nice holidays.
I have a decent income myself so I could still enjoy stuff alone. Just feels so sad when I thought we could make it work