Can someone ever learn to communicate better?

[Bee3456]

Ive been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a guy. When I met him we had both just got divorced, we both have nor want kids, I’m 42, he’s 52.

From the beginning it was obvious he struggled to communicate, he would literally shut down and stare into space if anything emotional was discussed. He was the first to say he loved me and has been very loving and caring up till a few months ago

The lack of communication has got worse, and the blaming for absolutely everything started. If I burn my hand on the oven, he won’t ask how I am, just that I should be looking at what I’m doing. I’m constantly reminded that I haven’t put something back properly, put the tea towel how he wants it, made his coffee using all the correct steps or put the pans back in the cupboard at the correct angle.

I tripped and fell down the bottom few stairs today, injuring my ankle. He just turned his head and told me I should be more careful, no rushing over to see if I’m okay, no concern shown whatsoever.

I told him I felt so unloved today. This was via text as he’s told me he can not discuss emotions unless it’s via text from a different room. He replied and said he feels so sad about work issues. No sadness, apologies or discussion.

I literally feel unwanted. He says if I don’t know he loves me then there’s nothing he can do. His ex wife is an alcoholic, and for the last 3 years of their marriage they didn’t speak (I can’t absolutely believe that)

He will refuse to talk and 100% will not consider counselling.

Im about to accept there is no future here, even though I desperately want there to be, but before I do I want to see if anyone has any suggestions of how I can get him to communicate- or even if it possible for someone like this to change.

Yes it was huge stress for him. He just can’t recognise emotions and feelings are really triggering to him. He just can‘t express himself.
There is nothing you and me can do about it and it won’t change unless they decide to seek psychotherapy. Better leave and start healing. The sooner the better. It may be a wake up call for him to seek treatment.

Just to echo had the same experience as this PP and same soul destroying mask fade over time- only it took me 4 years trying

I so should have left sooner...

Googled Alexythemia...

Tried everything but just had to go in the end before I lost all feeling as well.

Sorry OP it's not easy dealing with that situation/environment.

when I have tried to separate in the past, and meant it - he will do something like wait at the railway station on the platform for 6 hours as he knows I’ll be on a train but doesn’t know which one.

He seems desperate not to lose me but just can not provide what I need. The weirdest thing about this is he shows such overwhelming care and love to my dog, who he absolutely considers in everything- will we be home on time; is she warm enough, he’ll have things delivered almost everyday to make her life better.

So it shows me he can care deeply. But perhaps just not for me.

He might be a psychopath ( as per others suggestions), I'd be thinking Autistic before coming to the psychopath conclusion.

Whatever is behind it, at this age, and based on everything you've said, it sounds like he is beyond any growth or change.
It sounds really unpleasant for you and he just isn't showing much in the way of wanting to change.
If he doesn't see a problem then there's no hope.

Luckily you're young with ' no baggage ' so that alone widens your horizons for future partners significantly! Look at it as an amazing selling point for you down the line. There will be better experiences for you in the future with someone else.

Yup. Had exactly the same ironic situation.

Complex.

Hi OP I’m normally very much against saying that someone should just walk away from a relationship but yours does honestly sound irreparable.
He sounds ridiculously controlling, when you mention things like pan handles and tea towels not placed correctly, that really is such obsessive controlling behaviour. I fear that if you stay your life will end up so utterly miserable, he sounds like a real narcissist. Don’t be satisfied with the crumbs he gives you to keep you happy, if you can’t even lean over to speak to him without being told off for creasing a cushion surely that shows you he really is not normal. You are accepting the unacceptable it’s time to walk away.

He is who he is and you will never change someone's personality.

He sounds absolutely dire.
I would end it.

They express love and feelings in a very different way. Mine was also very affectionate and would do so many sweet things that showed care and love. But he wouldn’t express feelings. Because he couldn’t recognise them. And when he felt them he would feel overwhelmed, triggered and shut down, withdraw. And of course I wasn’t allowed to express feelings which was suffocating. It was like I had a wall in front of me and found the whole thing draining. And it’s such a shame because we were such a good match in so many other things and had developed feelings for him.
However, the only person who could resolve this is him. He has to seek treatment and want it himself. Otherwise it’s not going to work.
So, we ended it and went no contact. First two months were painful (and I had been with him for 4 months only, it will be way more difficult for you) but I am not in a good place. Hope he decides to get treatment for his own good.

Well given he doesn't want to talk or have counselling, no. I'd leave this relationship, it's doomed. Someone has to recognise there is a problem and do something about it to be able to improve anything

*I am now in a good place.

Just leave, any change, if any, will be short lived.

So you get berated about pans and tea towels and there isn't even any sex because of ED?

What are you doing OP?

OP this is a fantastic post, it's spot on and I really think you should keep it in mind over the coming weeks.

Unfortunately as a pp has said, you appear to have exchanged one abuser for another. I understand it's hard for you to see this but how you're being treated is another form of abuse. It's not physical, but emotional and psychological. It's actually horrendous because this type of abuse is insidious and it makes it so difficult to leave (because you associate love with this behaviour). Please look up trauma bonding and I also advise to do the Freedom Programme so you can recognise different types of abuse easily in future, and avoid it.

This man really does sound awful. I had a similar relationship years ago now and he used some very manipulative yet unsubstantiated reasons to justify his behaviour. Do you actually know if his ex was an alcoholic, or is that just what he's told you? Be very careful about believing their justifications without independent evidence to confirm them. They are likely not true at all.

Also the waiting all day at the railway station to stop you from leaving him is another form of control and manipulation. It actually makes him sound unhinged! Not loving at all. Yes, please don't tell him you're leaving because that's when the big guns come out. Do also look into narcissistic personality disorder as I think that's what you're dealing with here. These types are beyond help and will often present you with a fait accompli - this is who I am, accept it - to force you to put up with their abusive behaviour.

I’m constantly reminded that I haven’t put something back properly, put the tea towel how he wants it, made his coffee using all the correct steps or put the pans back in the cupboard at the correct angle.

Have you seen Sleeping With the Enemy OP?

This isn't a communication issue. Clearly he can communicate fine when he wants to control you. What you need to realise is the absence of emotion or care when you're hurt, physically or emotionally, is because he believes you exist solely to serve him. You are not a person with feelings to him, you are an inferior servant. When you are upset or injure yourself, you are simply failing in your duties.

It could also be narcissism rather than alexithumia/avoidance/autism etc.

Thing is the impact is the same no matter what the diagnosis is, so the OP should leave soon.

Yes. The term narcissism is often overused but from the OPs posts this isn't a need to control due to anxiety stemming from some underlying issue. Autism doesn't mean you don't care when someone falls down the stairs. This man doesn't deserve sympathy or allowances made for his cruel behaviour.

"Theres an awful lot of compromise from me (permanent ED since meeting, very particular about everything, can’t breathe without being corrected) but very little from him"

That doesn't sound like much fun! Don't you deserve to be happy?

What do you want a relationship for? Shouldn't it be about finding someone who sparks joy in you, where together you're more than the sum of your individual selves? Is what you're getting worth compromising yourself?

I don't think these problems are solvable with a commication magic wand I'm afraid. He's just not that into you, regardless of what he says. Look at how he acts.

Op after your updates it does sound like a power and control issue. He wants what he wants but doesn't actually care for you. If he genuinely was unable to show his feelings he wouldn't be showering the dog with affection. He doesn't want you to leave because you provide for him.

Might be worth read 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' or 'Why does he do that'.

This has been going on for 2.5 years. You should still be in 'your best bit', the honeymoon period if you like. I really don't think people are capable of fundamental change unless they are the one driving and leading it.

It might be a good time to reevaluate what you want for you. How do you want to spend your time. What kind of lifestyle you want to have. What kind of people do you want to spend your time with?

I wish you luck OP.

Sounds like you have accepted a 4/10 relationship because it is better than the 1/10 you had. Your bar was too low and this guy will never meet your needs as it’s just his personality. He isn’t going to change in his 50’s and is likely to get worse as he ages. I know what I’d be doing.

I know someone in a relationship like this. Loads of red flags and then he cheated. Only she took him back because he got therapy. Apparently he's a completely different person now, the terrible communication is brilliant now, he's totally changed.

But I wonder if he really has or if it's manipulation and she's just ignoring the bad stuff.

Waiting for 6 hours at a train starting is really creepy. If I split up from someone and they did that I would be so freaked out.

All the nice things he did at the beginning are meaningless. Anyone can hold a door for someone, I do that for strangers.

I agree that it’s not a communication issue. He can communicate fine when it’s about something you’ve done that annoys him. You hurting yourself and him not caring is awful. That’s not a communication issue. You don’t have to go to therapy to learn to ask if someone’s ok. It should just come naturally.

Bloody hell. After reading all your posts and the one where you mention he waited at a train station for six hours, is really, really unhinged and intrusive. The fact that he has to have everything a certain way, also bang out of order.

Please leave him. Move out when he isn't there. Please also book a week or so away somewhere when you move, so he can't bother you immediately. Change your phone number. I know that's a faff but blocking won't work with someone who would stand at a train station for six hours. He'd get around it.

As others have said, this fella reminds me of the film Sleeping With The Enemy. Get as far away from him as you can. Do not hesitate to call the police if he kicks off.

He sounds very much like he could be on the autistic spectrum. He was masking his true self, but has got to the point where he can't or won't do it, so you're seeing the real thing.

I've had relationships with men who turned out to be autistic, but hid it until I was emotionally invested, then kept gaslighting me over their cold, selfish behaviour. If he's another one, then it will get worse, not better.

He can be lovely, sometimes he’ll sit watching tv and turn to me and tell me how much he loves me, how glad that I’m his life. But that’s when he has no stress or is worried about something

I'd argue that he doesn't love you at all, because it's something that's relatively easy to say, but actions speak far louder than words. He sounds damaged from previous relationships or more likely, from childhood experiences. Sadly you will not be able to 'fix' him and staying will just result in more unhappiness for you (and him as well because he can't be the way he needs to be). Sorry OP this isn't going to end well if you stay.