Can someone ever learn to communicate better?

[Bee3456]

Ive been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a guy. When I met him we had both just got divorced, we both have nor want kids, I’m 42, he’s 52.

From the beginning it was obvious he struggled to communicate, he would literally shut down and stare into space if anything emotional was discussed. He was the first to say he loved me and has been very loving and caring up till a few months ago

The lack of communication has got worse, and the blaming for absolutely everything started. If I burn my hand on the oven, he won’t ask how I am, just that I should be looking at what I’m doing. I’m constantly reminded that I haven’t put something back properly, put the tea towel how he wants it, made his coffee using all the correct steps or put the pans back in the cupboard at the correct angle.

I tripped and fell down the bottom few stairs today, injuring my ankle. He just turned his head and told me I should be more careful, no rushing over to see if I’m okay, no concern shown whatsoever.

I told him I felt so unloved today. This was via text as he’s told me he can not discuss emotions unless it’s via text from a different room. He replied and said he feels so sad about work issues. No sadness, apologies or discussion.

I literally feel unwanted. He says if I don’t know he loves me then there’s nothing he can do. His ex wife is an alcoholic, and for the last 3 years of their marriage they didn’t speak (I can’t absolutely believe that)

He will refuse to talk and 100% will not consider counselling.

Im about to accept there is no future here, even though I desperately want there to be, but before I do I want to see if anyone has any suggestions of how I can get him to communicate- or even if it possible for someone like this to change.

The realisation and coming to terms with it are hard. As is the grief for the lost dreams. Be kind to yourself OP. Can you take anytime off while he is away.

What does the house feel like when he's not there? For me it is about imagining yourself being vulnerable and knowing how he would react to that. Would he have empathy. Would he help or hinder. Are you frightened to be in that position or worse again.

Great that you've got the time to gather your thoughts and make a plan.

We have, of sorts. But he’ll be very matter of fact and organised about it - he’ll say ‘you have to give me an hours notice to take meds’ if I ever so much as suggest sex. He’ll also ask me to give him notice before bed if I’m in the mood.

So yes, a whole lot of compromise on my part- and I totally get it’s not his fault if he has a medical condition, but the compromise is a whole lot more on my side than it is on his.

He knows I’m done with this now, and he’s just said what a horrible person he is and it’s all down to him etc, going for the sympathy card but is unwilling to change anything and just says he can not communicate and it’s not his fault.

Aint my fault either though….. we are just incompatible

Yes you’re right and I think it is the lost dream that’s the sad part.

He’d freeze if I was vulnerable or upset. He’d stare uncomfortably into space and not know what to say. He wouldn’t help but is more likely to suggest why it’s my fault ‘see I told you shouldn’t have done xyz because this would happen’ or ‘that’s why you should do this not that’

I just feel so alone when I’m with him. He’s like an island that no one can get near. Everyone he works with think he’s odd and a control freak. I’ve seen him make a junior male work colleague cry when he’s actually trying to be nice, but worded it in a clumsy and unthoughtful way, and then I had to dictate a sorry message to try and smooth it over.

I do love him, but I’m not willing to set myself on fire to keep him warm anymore

It seems like you are saying he would resent you or actually be angry with you if you were vulnerable again. Do you think he just sees you as a house keeper/nurse rather than a partner?

I think he would resent me as it would make him feel uncomfortable and he wouldn’t know what to do.

In my mind he sees me as someone he wants to keep close, but don’t cross the boundary into his feelings or ask him to do anything he’s not comfortable with. He is logical and not emotional and it is very possible that he’s thought I’d be a good option to keep around to look after him in later years/have a similar income to him so on paper makes sense, rather than loves me madly.

Id say it’s a case of loving me because he needs me rather than needing me because he loves me if that makes sense

He knows I’m done with this now, and he’s just said what a horrible person he is and it’s all down to him etc, going for the sympathy card but is unwilling to change anything and just says he can not communicate and it’s not his fault.

Everything you have written here is manipulation. He's sorry - not sorry because it's not his fault.

You sound like an amazing and considerate person OP. You could have such a lovely life

That’s such a lovely thing to say, Thankyou

Good for you, OP! You made a wise decision.

It begs the question "what attracted you to him in the first place?"

he sounds so unloving, detached and lacking in any normal human connection if he can't ever give you any comfort when you're worried about your father, or you trip and hurt yourself.

it comes across as him not giving a damn about you, so why be in a relationship with him, he doesn't exactly enhance your life does he.

You can't change him. He is unwilling to even contemplate change by seeing a councillor. But what I think is a major concern too is his lack of flexibility. He has no interest in even slightly seeing things from your way. You can't possibly get along, long term with someone so rigid, and with no inclination to change. The lack of meaningful conversations will drive you up the wall years down the line. As will the lack of empathy. He is missing vital components of what makes us happy, and when the passion and excitement of a new relationship fades after several years, you will grow to despise him. Finish it now and don't waste any more years on this soul less person.

After my declining of the holiday invitation yesterday, this morning he deployed the big guns , text and decided it’s time to buy a house together and why don’t we make an offer on a house we have seen for sale.

Honestly, there are no words, he has serious issues, and you've thankfully realised you need to spin on your heels and walk away.

don't invest a second more of your life on him, it's pointless. When you get to the point where being apart from him is a blessed relief, you know time's up.

It’s not unusual for women who have been in abusive relationships to go straight in to another abusive relationship. And it does sounds abusive, my ex has zero empathy. I could be in floods of tears or of hurt myself and he still would have been awful.
He sounds very controlling and not a lot of fun, if he’s only nice you 10% of the time, it’s too little.
I would ask yourself if he is consistent? Do you know what kind of mood he is going to be in when he gets home or are you treading on egg shells hoping he’s going to be in a good mood?
I certainly wouldn’t buy a house with him.

Everything seems to be about money - my friends mum had a terminal cancer, his first comment to me was she’ll be in for some money then.

This is horrific. It’s not even the kind of thing you think but know better than to say out loud, it’s the sort of thing that you don’t even think if you’ve got any empathy.

There’s a gulf between being unable to talk about emotions and not being concerned when someone you love hurts themselves.

He could learn to communicate better, he might even learn how to act caring when you are in pain but he can’t learn how to actually feel it. It’s either a natural response someone has or not.

For me having to have conversations via text in separate rooms would be reason to end it. If he’s that damaged or emotionally stunted he needs professional help. But I don’t think even professionals can fix someone who is devoid of any compassion