Was I nasty to tell partner that woman coming onto him was probably a joke

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My ex was a fit and attractive man, absolutely never fancied anyone more than I fancied him, but 18 years older than me. The relationship ended because he was a total arsehole in various ways. I just reached a point where I had enough of the head games. I’ve been ignoring his messages now for about 6 months but I occasionally get one, usually telling me something I did wrong. The latest was about a comment I made a couple of years in (together a total of 5 years)

He started off the relationship painting himself very differently to who he actually was. A couple of years in he started talking about other women a lot, and how attractive he finds various women in daily life, porn etc, it became a bit much, but I was patient with it. It did take the shine off a bit though. So I’m not sure I was reacting in a jealous enough way for him- although he knew I had eyes only for him, was monogamous, and extremely faithful. So here is what happened:

one night he sends me a text saying, “I was so good last night, you’ll have to reward me tonight” ( can’t believe I didn’t vomit there and then but I was in the love bubble) so I said “oh yeah why?” So he proceeds to tell me that when he was doing charity work a few weeks before, he had met two 18 year old girls, and they’d been really interested in the charity work, and ended up going with him and a couple of others for a drink. They swapped numbers so he could send them some info. He hadn’t sent anything but that night where he’d been “so good”, they had phoned him at 2am and left a drunken voice message saying “hey, we were hoping you’d tuck us into bed” and giggling” he had ignored and sent a message the next day saying “ a bit tipsy last night were you, did you want that charity info” and got a response back saying “well if you ever want to tuck us into bed, let us know”. I started off by saying,” well you are a handsome guy”, but he couldn’t leave it there, and he said “well not many men wouod turn down a threesome”, so I said “well firstly I think many men would when they love someone, secondly they are old enough to be your granddaughters, and thirdly they are just kids are you sure they weren’t just mucking around”

To be honest it was so contrived I was starting to think he’d made the whole thing up and it was one of his many head games. He blew his top and said I was attacking him? That I’m a nasty piece of work. Anyway we resolved the “issue”, but last night I got a text from him saying that I was a bitch and when he told me about the offer of a threesome I shot him down and made him feel like he hadn’t turned something down that he could have had if he wanted to.

I find his texts funny now which is why I haven’t blocked him, so tempted to respond saying he’s a fantasist, but I haven’t taken the bait for 6 months so I’m not going to break no contact. The guy is pushing 60, he’s gorgeous but I just think he was more in love with himself than he could ever be with a woman, and as you can tell from the post, I love an older man, but at 18, would have rather stabbed my eyes out than shagged a 60 year old.

He’d been trying to screw with my head for months before I said what I said with his little fantasy scenario.

so was I a bitch or is he a self absorbed fantasist?

He was offended by everything, I think a comment like that would have immediately sent him to his grave 🤣 once he was telling me that no matter how good a man’s sex life is, and how much he loves a woman, he will always want to have sex with other women. I said that that might be true for him, and for many men, but he can hardly speak for all men, just as I couldn’t speak for all women. He said, any man that says it’s not true is a liar. I said, well let’s move on to another topic as we spend a lot of time talking about other women. He said, you just don’t like that I’m a red blooded male. I said, well I just think you invest a lot of time on your dick, when one day it won’t work anymore, and your investment could have gone on something better. He didn’t talk to me for a week- but it was a totally valid point

Having read your response I think that he couldn't fully believe he'd pulled - and would keep - a nearly 20 years younger, I'm guessing attractive woman.

He was wondering whether you'd wake up to the fact he was punching.

His tactics were therefore to try to make you feel insecure and grateful to be with him, by regularly referring to his attraction to other women, and his apparent opportunities with other women.

His second tactic was to make you insecure, put you on the defensive, and make you feel like he might end the relationship because of ABC. Again the intent is to make you feel grateful he hasn't, and to keep you not complacent.

I've been on the receiving end of these and they are not even necessarily conscious/intentional; they're tactics people like him fall into "naturally".

The other thing about the attacks on your behaviour and integrity etc - in my experience - is that their insecurity and fear of losing the relationship leads them to want to devalue you You're not all that, you're not nice, you don't have good integrity, you're blah blah blah. Its partly them trying to salve their fear and potential pain at losing you; they've got to critique you.

The flip side is that if they get you believing you're flawed, or hard work, or lacking, that you're lucky they're with you ... You'll be less likely to leave. They want you insecure, they want you with a reduced self worth.

There is also sometimes a genuine fear that you are cheating, or going to .... Because, again, they're so insecure and feel they are punching. That they pulled someone they'll not easily pull again, if ever. That it couldn't workout for them and they're going to lose it

Sometimes that genuine fear of cheating is also a projection of their own values and behaviour too.

In any case ..... Too insecure to have a relationship without abusing the woman they're with .... That's not relationship material.

Noone should have to put up with that, it's not feasible, healthy, or fair.

once he was telling me that no matter how good a man’s sex life is, and how much he loves a woman, he will always want to have sex with other women

Hmm, I wonder is he a cheater too.

Did he cheat in his marriage?

That could be a big part of the accusations against you.

He's projecting and/or he's paranoid karma will get him.

I'll get flamed but honestly - married men who end up back on the market in their 50s are rarely princes. The opposite.

Their wife just probably got to breaking point or got the kids up and fledged.

I agree with the things you’ve said, as he really did a number on my self esteem but I’ve had plenty of time away from him to truly reflect on everything. He knew how serious I was about relationships, love and sex, and it was no light thing for me. He knew how long I’d been single intentionally before we dated, he knew I told him everything and that my bar for what cheating is was very high, eg I didn’t even have male friends that I spoke to one on one. I didn’t hug men, wasn’t a flirt etc. He seemed to enjoy projecting things onto me and making me feel bad. I sent a picture once to a group we were on after a very long day out with them all. It was of my child fast asleep on the bus. I was wearing cropped jeans and the bottom part of my calves/ankles/feet were in the frame. He said I was showing off my legs and wanted attention. He said I smiled at someone because I fancy them once also, and he accused me of fancying them for months. No truth to any of it. So I think you are right that abusers fall into these patterns, and also I think the devaluing happened when other women paid him attention and he went for it- he had to put us on the same level to feel ok about himself. Thanks for your very insightful comments as they have helped a lot. So from today I will not be receiving any messages he sends and I do feel good about that.

More than likely! Although of course he didn’t paint it that way. Any comments that he might act on his out of control lust was met with disbelief, outrage, and how faithful he is. This wasn’t true though as as the years went by, he drip fed enough for me to know his boundaries with women were poor, and his bar for what is considered cheating was extremely low

Towards the end, I had a very strange dream about his wife. I had never seen a picture of her. In the dream she dropped him off to my house and she was in the car smiling, but in a way like a resigned and knowing smile. He came in and had all his stuff with him, but when I was looking through his stuff there were loads of books about personality disorders. I literally scoured the Internet to find a picture of her after that, and when I did, it was the woman in my dream. It was a warning

It’s not unusual for me to have dreams that come true/ that offer insight, although I know for many they might not understand this part of my post.

I get that, but you did reply, so he just learned that to get what he wants (always about him) is to keep trying.

You should have blocked him the FIRST time he texted you to tell you what you had done was wrong. You are renting space in your head - albeit teeny space - to him.

You discarded him physically, but not entirely psychologically. You need to discard him again. Enjoy the silence knowing that YOU are the one controlling it, not him.

There is no need to keep him around in any way shape or form, you know what he is and what he did, you know he has no use to you whatsoever, you need to lose the warped nostalgia that is at play here and take you life back from him. He needs no agency in your life, he needs no door to telling you what you have done 'wrong'

oh wow! 😱

I think you misread- I responded ON the post- I haven’t responded anything to him at all for over 6 months

oh i see - my apologies, read that wrong then

I have been the one in control of my healing, and how I phase him out and when, and in that way I have taken back the power he took from me in the relationship. I did back and forth text for 1.5years, I think that helped me phase him out, but the last six months he’s been doing a monologue. He’s not had a single word back from me. I do feel like it was all a part of the healing, and he’s blocked from today

This man is in your past. Don't waste you now on then. Block and move on.

He’s blocked

That's good now you can move on to better and better!

Thank you for this vent before blocking, it has helped. I appreciate the comments.

Criticising you for having cropped trousers/jeans on and people being able to see your ankles ....
Is fucking insane.

It's along Taliban lines.

So he thinks it's ok to tell you about women he finds attractive, about women in porn, about how grateful you should be he didn't take up a threesome with teenagers, about how all men want to have sex with women other than their partners. etc.
But he feels entitled to criticise you for wearing cropped trousers?????

Even if mentioned none of that stuff; it would be the behaviour of a controlling lunatic to criticise his partner wearing cropped trousers.

In general his views of women and sex seem very very sexist & hypocritical and the values behind them are .... Not what you'd want in a partner.

You broke up two years ago yet you’re posting about him on Mumsnet. You refuse to block him. Is there any reason why you’re not moving on in your life?

Just read you have blocked him.

100%, it was his hypocrisy that ended up driving my sarcasm and reactionary comments, I started to see he was a despicable creature. I do have a heart for peoples insecurities so if he had been a conservative kind of guy (which he painted himself as at the beginning) I would have not liked his false accusations but would have not looked at them necessarily as coming from a place of malice and manipulation. I think seeing he was a highly manipulative creature who enjoyed head games, bought out the bitch in me. One thing it’s left me with is no tolerance for someone that doesn’t listen to my value system and understand me. Accusations like that, even without malice would make me understand the person doesn’t know me, doesn’t care to, is potentially abusive, may well be projecting, and even if they are just a deeply insecure person, I’ll be sorry for them, but wouldn’t want to be with someone like that at all. I think I was initially too tolerant which led to things escalating. We weren’t a good fit and I don’t think he’s a good fit for anyone. I told him once that he deserves instead to be with someone exactly like him so that they can have their battles together and it’s fair- a woman who genuinely is lapping up attention from other men and fancies other men. He was outraged and said “so you want me to be with a slut”

He called himself a slut basically- I think that was the day when I started finding him funny and was ready for the breakup.

I'm just laughing he tried to convince you he's a red blooded male 🤣 men who over do it with the sex thing...you don't have to worry. You'd rather dump them...

I know, he seemed very eager to do so, it all started about 2 years in. I mean I totally thought he was gorgeous, and very passionate- but he “went weird” like some of them do, but I believe it’s called showing their true colours

FGS end it. Sounds like a hideously toxic relationship.

Well done! That is a corner well turned :😅

He would have had a hideously toxic relationship with a paper bag, so I don’t consider it to have been a toxic relationship, but a toxic individual