Was I nasty to tell partner that woman coming onto him was probably a joke

[Starspangledbanner7]

My ex was a fit and attractive man, absolutely never fancied anyone more than I fancied him, but 18 years older than me. The relationship ended because he was a total arsehole in various ways. I just reached a point where I had enough of the head games. I’ve been ignoring his messages now for about 6 months but I occasionally get one, usually telling me something I did wrong. The latest was about a comment I made a couple of years in (together a total of 5 years)

He started off the relationship painting himself very differently to who he actually was. A couple of years in he started talking about other women a lot, and how attractive he finds various women in daily life, porn etc, it became a bit much, but I was patient with it. It did take the shine off a bit though. So I’m not sure I was reacting in a jealous enough way for him- although he knew I had eyes only for him, was monogamous, and extremely faithful. So here is what happened:

one night he sends me a text saying, “I was so good last night, you’ll have to reward me tonight” ( can’t believe I didn’t vomit there and then but I was in the love bubble) so I said “oh yeah why?” So he proceeds to tell me that when he was doing charity work a few weeks before, he had met two 18 year old girls, and they’d been really interested in the charity work, and ended up going with him and a couple of others for a drink. They swapped numbers so he could send them some info. He hadn’t sent anything but that night where he’d been “so good”, they had phoned him at 2am and left a drunken voice message saying “hey, we were hoping you’d tuck us into bed” and giggling” he had ignored and sent a message the next day saying “ a bit tipsy last night were you, did you want that charity info” and got a response back saying “well if you ever want to tuck us into bed, let us know”. I started off by saying,” well you are a handsome guy”, but he couldn’t leave it there, and he said “well not many men wouod turn down a threesome”, so I said “well firstly I think many men would when they love someone, secondly they are old enough to be your granddaughters, and thirdly they are just kids are you sure they weren’t just mucking around”

To be honest it was so contrived I was starting to think he’d made the whole thing up and it was one of his many head games. He blew his top and said I was attacking him? That I’m a nasty piece of work. Anyway we resolved the “issue”, but last night I got a text from him saying that I was a bitch and when he told me about the offer of a threesome I shot him down and made him feel like he hadn’t turned something down that he could have had if he wanted to.

I find his texts funny now which is why I haven’t blocked him, so tempted to respond saying he’s a fantasist, but I haven’t taken the bait for 6 months so I’m not going to break no contact. The guy is pushing 60, he’s gorgeous but I just think he was more in love with himself than he could ever be with a woman, and as you can tell from the post, I love an older man, but at 18, would have rather stabbed my eyes out than shagged a 60 year old.

He’d been trying to screw with my head for months before I said what I said with his little fantasy scenario.

so was I a bitch or is he a self absorbed fantasist?

I haven’t seen him for two years, and haven’t been in contact with him for over 6 months. Him helpfully raising things where he was a creep/dickehad, has been healing as I have then reflected on those situations. I didn’t like what he made me at times during the relationship, and I think you should always boost the esteem of your partner. So while on the one hand I enjoy that two years later he is still playing back things that happened that he initiated, I also realise that before him, I could never have got enjoyment out of someone else being distressed about something - even if his distress is fake and designed to reel me back in or attack my sense of self, I am still accountable for the person that I am. I think with true narcissistic abuse, the sense of self is eroded, and the person acts in ways they previously wouldn’t. I’d be interested to hear similar accounts of others on the things the narc did, and reactions they may have had that were contrary to their nature.

🤣 I like this

Barely a day goes past without a couple of 18 year olds offering me, a chubby middle aged man, a threesome. But I wouldn’t boast about it to an ex.

At the moment I find it helpful, I think he just hasn’t yet found someone who he could screw with as much as he screwed with me. If and when he does, the texts will stop, or he will run out of steam having covered every way he thinks I wronged him. Some of these messages I find helpful as it’s like he’s writing a CV for why he was the shittest partner going. I especially enjoyed the one where he kept falsely accusing me of liking other men so I told him I think he might be gay as he has a fixation on men and their private parts, and that there’s no shame in being gay. He could never abuse me with that stuff again, instead he just repeatedly bought up the fact I called him gay. You could see the cogs turning every time he fancied an evening of abusing me with that “oh I can’t say that as she will think I’m obsessed with men” obviously I didn’t think that, and this is what I mean by the fact that I changed when I was with him. It was more about ways of fending off his abuse. That’s no life. Now I don’t respond, as he dredges it all up, I just kind of enjoy the fact that he’s wasting his time and still thinking about the ways I “abused him”

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant

I get that and I understand healing is a long path and not same for everyone. However I think often we end up with toxic people because we are over -focused on the other rather then listening to ourselves and our own needs.
That's why I personally believe that cutting contact and focusing on yourself instead, on what you want and who you are is so important.
It also seemed to me like you're not sure if he or you were in the wrong when it's crystal clear it was him. And too me it's a sign you need to still work on your boundaries rather then risk mind games with that person, even if just over text messages.
I know it's not what you asked for but that's just my perspective based on my experience.

The fact that you’re still doing this and feeling this after two years indicates that it hasn’t been healing.

You’re not going to be able to move on until you actually move on. This would entail blocking him, putting him squarely in the past and getting on with your life.

Is therapy or counselling something that’s available to you? If so, would you be open to it? You might find it helpful.

It reminds me of a joke:

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So , why are you telling me?”
“Oh, I’m telling everybody!”

Why are you giving this so much headspace? Block him, move on.

People like me? If you’re trying to imply I’ve never had a bad relationship with a bad person, that’s incorrect.

It’s been 2.5 years since this relationship ended, you need to block him in order to move on. You have not moved on, but you deserve to.

so was I a bitch or is he a self absorbed fantasist? was your question in your post.

The honest answer is that he is a self absorbed fantasist, and that you are playing into this by willingly receiving his nasty messages, letting it get to you, and posting about him online. He’s relishing in the thought that these messages are taking up head space for you, and your post here proves that they are.

This man still has you tangled up with him after 2.5 years. You’re still playing his game without even having ‘contact’ with him. It’s exactly what he wants, I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear.

I think if I was engaging in any way with his messages then yes it would be prolonging the healing, I see it more as a “what crazy shit is he saying now” he went silent for about 3 months and I was happy, and then it kicked off again. Yes healing is different for everyone. Of course I know he was wrong- on so many levels, but I didn’t like the person it made me. I think a lot of people feel like that when with/after an abusive person, they don’t like the reactions they had, even if they see that the root of the problem were words and actions of the other person. I think the work on my boundaries was done by the relationship itself actually, I think the changes have made certain I would never tolerate that bullshit again. I am ready to block him, it wouldn’t feel sad to me at all, I just haven’t seen the point as there are no feelings there anymore and I enjoy seeing what he comes up with next. When he finally stops I will see it as a fitting end to the one sided correspondence he has going on, that he ran out of steam finally and the bullshit petered out.

In a vacuum yeah it's a nasty thing to say.

Given you were dating an absolute raging tool, no I think he deserved to have a neat little pin put in his ego.

Either way who cares? He's your ex. Stop giving him headspace.

OP I am sad that you are still stuck analysing this toxic relationship.

Sounds like he used to try and wind you up and make you jealous because he is an insecure controlling prick, and you responded by lashing out in return, then getting fed up enough to leave. As most of us would.

So I would take the lessons into subsequent relationships - such as if someone is trying to make you jealous, calmly ask them why they are doing it, tell them to not do it again, tell them what the consequences will be if they do etc.

Could you now maybe block him? He’s fishing hoping you’ll bite and then maybe he’ll get some sex with you again. His attitude to women sounds repulsive.

I do understand how you are still hanging on in a way, as there is one of these types in my past. He did actually apologise 20 years later in person. He hadn’t changed in essentials though. And now I regret the time I spent mulling it all over and think he’s ugly in every sense.

He sounds like not only a mentalist but a serious creep. I daren't even think what could be on his hard drive.

For goodness sake stop entertaining the twit and move on with your life. Block, forget and don't concern yourself with him further.

He sounds like acloset narcissist. Ghost him permenently and move on. You're better off without him

He knows he won’t get sex with me again as I’d only want that in a committed relationship, he knew what I was all about from the start. Blocking at this stage probably is the best idea as there’s nothing new for him to say now anyway

I think the messages are more about that I “discarded” him before he was ready to discard me, and that he couldn’t draw me back in, so he couldn’t leave me with the feelings of shame and rejection that he would have engineered in a break up with me. So I think that’s what he’s attempting to do now. I feel normal levels of “ I didn’t like myself at times in that relationship, it wasn’t the relationship for me” I do feel like he deserved it the times thsy I finally bit back

I also agree with those who said he likely made the whole thing up, as that’s the feeling I got at the time, that it was some little fantasy he had

he went silent for about 3 months and I was happy, and then it kicked off again.

You say this, but then you say you see no reason to block him. If you blocked him, he’d ‘go silent’ forever. That would be it. All done.

If dozens of people, many of whom have dealt with narcissists themselves, are telling you the same thing, maybe consider that there might be some value to what we’re saying.

Do you like the person he’s making you right now? The woman who is making threads about her ex from two years ago, giving him headspace, wanting to talk about him, seeking validation from strangers and defending her refusal to cut contact to those same strangers?

Wouldn’t you rather be a version of yourself for whom he is something in your distant past? The first step to that is blocking. The second is probably counselling.

I would block him and move on. That would damage his ego the most.

Why counselling? Counselling is talking to another person, mostly someone who has no real firsthand experience of what you have encountered? Not everyone is a fan of counselling. For some people it’s enough to have people to share it with who can also share their own insight and things they’ve experienced. I’m someone that takes relationships seriously and I have found my own ways to deal with the fallout. I’m 100% ready to block him totally, that’s not an issue and hasn’t been for the last 6 months. So I haven’t asked for mental help or ways to get him out of my head and heart have I, as I’ve already done that. His messages are small distractions that add weight to my reasons for ditching him

You are picking at a scab @Starspangledbanner7 - free yourself of this sad little man

he is so insecure as to need to talk to you about this stuff? what a sad sack! I'm surprised you weren't inclined to hurl at his messages

why are you putting up with this intrusion in your life, why are you allowing him this access to you? for him to use you to make himself feel better by simultaneously trying to make you feel worse about yourself? Seriously? where are your boundaries? just block the prick.

you need a shake tbh @Starspangledbanner7

Okay. Good luck.

They might have been joking. More likely the whole thing was made up. But what does it matter? Just block him, it’s pathetic.

What? surely he 'knows' you wouldnt want sex with him because you fucking dumped him... with or without commitment he needs to know that hell would need to freeze over - but he doesn't, because you keep scratching his itch

You may not be allowing him to have sex with you, but you ARE allowing him to FUCK with you.

Come on @Starspangledbanner7 you are better than this. Ditch him once and for all. Remember how those silent 3m felt, and make that a permanent peace in your life

How does not replying to a single message for 6 motnhs scratch any itch? I’m confused. Someone mentioned him wanting sex so I responded that he knows I wouldn’t do that unless I was in a committed relationship, and he 100% knows hell would freeze over before I would ever go back to him. I suppose in the main I’ve been curious to see exactly how long he will have this monologue without a response, and I enjoy seeing what shit he will come out with next. I admit that, I enjoy it, it has really helped me see him clearly for all that he truly is.