Was I nasty to tell partner that woman coming onto him was probably a joke

[Starspangledbanner7]

My ex was a fit and attractive man, absolutely never fancied anyone more than I fancied him, but 18 years older than me. The relationship ended because he was a total arsehole in various ways. I just reached a point where I had enough of the head games. I’ve been ignoring his messages now for about 6 months but I occasionally get one, usually telling me something I did wrong. The latest was about a comment I made a couple of years in (together a total of 5 years)

He started off the relationship painting himself very differently to who he actually was. A couple of years in he started talking about other women a lot, and how attractive he finds various women in daily life, porn etc, it became a bit much, but I was patient with it. It did take the shine off a bit though. So I’m not sure I was reacting in a jealous enough way for him- although he knew I had eyes only for him, was monogamous, and extremely faithful. So here is what happened:

one night he sends me a text saying, “I was so good last night, you’ll have to reward me tonight” ( can’t believe I didn’t vomit there and then but I was in the love bubble) so I said “oh yeah why?” So he proceeds to tell me that when he was doing charity work a few weeks before, he had met two 18 year old girls, and they’d been really interested in the charity work, and ended up going with him and a couple of others for a drink. They swapped numbers so he could send them some info. He hadn’t sent anything but that night where he’d been “so good”, they had phoned him at 2am and left a drunken voice message saying “hey, we were hoping you’d tuck us into bed” and giggling” he had ignored and sent a message the next day saying “ a bit tipsy last night were you, did you want that charity info” and got a response back saying “well if you ever want to tuck us into bed, let us know”. I started off by saying,” well you are a handsome guy”, but he couldn’t leave it there, and he said “well not many men wouod turn down a threesome”, so I said “well firstly I think many men would when they love someone, secondly they are old enough to be your granddaughters, and thirdly they are just kids are you sure they weren’t just mucking around”

To be honest it was so contrived I was starting to think he’d made the whole thing up and it was one of his many head games. He blew his top and said I was attacking him? That I’m a nasty piece of work. Anyway we resolved the “issue”, but last night I got a text from him saying that I was a bitch and when he told me about the offer of a threesome I shot him down and made him feel like he hadn’t turned something down that he could have had if he wanted to.

I find his texts funny now which is why I haven’t blocked him, so tempted to respond saying he’s a fantasist, but I haven’t taken the bait for 6 months so I’m not going to break no contact. The guy is pushing 60, he’s gorgeous but I just think he was more in love with himself than he could ever be with a woman, and as you can tell from the post, I love an older man, but at 18, would have rather stabbed my eyes out than shagged a 60 year old.

He’d been trying to screw with my head for months before I said what I said with his little fantasy scenario.

so was I a bitch or is he a self absorbed fantasist?

OP, @frozendaisy nailed it.

He is a complete and utter pervert and you are so well rid.

You are correct in your assessment of his self obsession and getting older is a real bitch when you are like this.

I met someone like him when I was 22 at work, he was a contractor, nearly 40 years ago and he couldn't believe that I wasn't interested.

I tried to brush it off politely but then just blurted out "ffs please accept its No, you are much older than my dad🤢🤮".

A much older senior colleague happened to pass and stopped in my office. He shuffled on quickly.

He finished up two weeks later and I am not sure, but suspect he was deliberately moved on.

Another older contractor was overheard making a sexually explicit comment about much younger women and was asked would he too was asked would he like to move on, there and then!
He was a very quiet fellow after that!

I came across a bit of it years ago but also a lot of very decent men who shut it down very sharply when they heard it.

These guys are rapey in my view, they certainly give off that vibe.

I think he massively embellished that story in the first place.

I too liked older guys at 18...maybe mid 30's and very fit.

There is no way an 18 year old is looking at a 60 year old like that.

Even Brad Pitt fit.

Don't respond to him.

The fact that you're enjoying the ridiculousness of his messages just shows that, at some level, you still care about his actions and behaviours. You know he's a twat. Do you really need him to keep proving it to you?

The opposite of love is indifference. Why aren't you indifferent to a guy you split with two years ago? Why are you giving him any headspace at all? Just block him and move on with your life. Dwelling on past relationships isn't healthy,

Look, I married an horrendous narcissitic cow of a wife. The abuse is horrific and you managed to escape one early on. I know what they look like. Here... read this! The tell tale signs of a narcissist.The tell tale signs of a narcissist.

Yes he was a narcissist, I spent 5 years with him and yea that is relatively early on. I feel truly sorry for his ex who spent 20 years with him. On some level of course I am sad for being taken for a mug, and the ways he screwed with my mind, this is normal and things take time to process. I think I did the processing for the 1.5years I was responding to him, and the last 6 months of one sided messages from him have been the dregs if that makes sense with him becoming more and more hysterical and accusatory with no response form me, trying every angle to get a response. I do think posters are correct and it’s time to block him so I decide when the end of his messages is

How is he out of your head when you have a post dedicated to the text he sent the other day, about his repulsive teen threesome story, 2 years since you broke up?

I’m just not sure why people like you post? It’s a forum to talk about stuff- why do you get to decide whether someone should or shouldn’t be free to vent, or judge from one anecdote what their state of mind is and judge them accordingly? There’s been some insightful posts on here and anecdotes on others encounters and I’ve enjoyed reading those. Why don’t people who parrot what you’ve parroted above, just scroll on to a question where they have something interesting to contribute?

You're not being honest with yourself.
If it was your ex colleague texting you abuse now and then again for years would you really keep yourself on the receiving end of it just to see what else they might come up with?
Just to remind yourself that you're better away from them?

I think you're keeping the hope alive that one fine day the tone of his messages will change and....

To keep the fire of hate against my ex alive, I wrote down in a list all the ways he was abusive towards me. That list is still on my phone and I haven't even looked at it once. There is no need. In fact, thinking of it now, I should go and delete it - it's like a dirty corner in a room that's disgusting to even touch but life will be so much more pleasant with all the traces of rot gone.

Sometimes people are at the venting stage which is what anonymous forums are for. That ok with you?

There’s no comparison with an ec colleague and an ex partner….ex partners do affect us and it takes time and our own way of dealing with it to come to terms with it. I decided my way of dealing with it. I am content in that, I’m not 100% happy with the person it made me while I was with him, but I am 100% happy that I did things the way I did as it confirmed fully to me through the healing process that he is beyond help and a very bad partner, I didn’t come on here asking whether my way of phasing him out was the right way. I know it was- for me. You do you

Wow! What? Tell me where I said you should not vent? You yourself said he is out of your head. But he clearly isn’t. I am allowed to point that out. Because it’s true. If he was out of your head you would not be posting about him.

If anyone has been judgey here, it’s not me. I refer to your comment ‘people like you’.

I have a list also, a very long one, which has been added to when he has sent messages and reminded me of other events. We all choose the way we extract ourselves from someone and I never once asked whether my way of phasing him out was the right way…..you don’t know me or how I am as a person, or what works for me. Self reflection is always good, I have self reflected that I would never be with someone again that brings out my inner bitch, or tolerate the vile behaviours I encountered with him.

He IS out of my head as a romantic partner, or remembering any good times. I used to think of him all the time, like he was right there with me. I never think of him anymore apart from when I receive a text, which is comical to me now. There are different ways for someone to be “in your head”

By people like you, I mean the armchair psychologists who believe it’s only if you bottle everything up that you are over someone- simply not true

And it’s a stupid comment to make on an anonymous forum; where most people post to get other peoples anecdotes and perspectives, not real life where most myself included would never mention that individual to friend or family, because it’s way past that stage.

@Starspangledbanner7

Well, I did post my anecdote and my perspective.

And true, I don't know you... But he clearly does. Hence he's still messaging you two years later to get his kicks. He knows he can get in your head and for one reason or other he still thinks you're vulnerable. Dunno why you want to offer him the satisfaction but in your own words - each to their own.

No, he's not handsome and most likely never was. No, he wasn't propositioned for sex by any women (or teens). Yes, he was very good at manipulating you, you are his "success story" and so he can't forget. No one else is biting and he's bored.
You were not nasty enough to him.

He’s the kind of guy that had a lot of female “friends”, always communicating with someone, he needed female attention, and he crossed a lot of lines which led to him getting dumped by me. So I would say I’m 100% not his “success story” as I dumped him and phased him out. Thanks for saying I wasn’t nasty enough, I didn’t want to be nasty, I hate that I ever bit back at all. I consider it to be a weakness. At the beginning I struggled so much and still had deep feelings for him. Everyone goes through their own healing process, in the way that works best for them, if they are someone that has insight. I do not take relationships lightly, he was the second person I dated and slept with. So my way of healing and dealing may look very different to yours, and it pays to understand there is no carbon copy way of healing for all people to “attain”

🤣🤢

He probably got his fantasy story from this joke 🤣

You broke up two years ago and yet you’re posting all this? Why?

Time to move on OP. It’s been two years and you’re engaging with him by reading his messages and therefore still thinking about him. You know this. Look forward now, not back.
Good luck.

Well as I said, relationships mean something to me and healing takes time and is a process. I wouldn’t look twice at anyone else unless that process was completed and I happened to meet a rare individual that sparks my interest. That’s why I’ve only had sex with two men, because I loved them and they meant something to me. So I don’t apologise for dealing with it the way that I have, or coming here to vent out the dregs in the hope of reading other peoples experiences. Sometimes this forum is helpful, and sometimes it gets flooded by people with nothing much to say apart from “if you don’t shut up about it you still love him”. Thanks to the posters that offered insight and some laughs.

I occasionally get one, usually telling me something I did wrong. The latest was about a comment I made a couple of years in (together a total of 5 years)

You didn't do anything wrong.

You responded as anyone would to his ongoing sexual references to other women, his preferences, then his apparent offer of a threesome with teenagers and demand for acknowledgement and reward for not taking it etc.

The "need" for attention and validation from a pile of other women .... also a deal breaker. That's called 'too many queens in the castle".

His behaviour was deal breaking.
You broke the deal.

He must be rather bitter indeed to have lost an 18 yr younger women who fancied him and was willing to have a serious long term relationship with him ...due to his sleaziness and self absorbtion and ego etc.

He was also possibly trying to make you feel insecure and grateful with his behaviour.... because he knew he was punching, and was wondering when you'd realise and bin him.
Who could or should put up with that?
Don't pull 18 yr younger women if you're not secure enough to be with them, without trying to make them insecure.

He's obviously relied on his attractiveness to pull women and get women to put up with his shit up til now, but the poor dear is - at 60 - never going to be what he was before again. He's looking at late middle age, heaving for elderly age.

His ability to pull and keep younger women must be waning hugely ...otherwise he wouldn't be sending you bitter "you're a bitch, I can so pull younger women" silly little messages.

He clearly has too much time on his hands and is overthinking and bitter.
If he didn't, he'd be enjoying himself dating and fucking too much to be sending you random messages about how you're a bitch because you doubted his teenage threesome offer story.

He's hit the cliff.

In fact he probably hit the cliff before you got with him, but you were maybe a bit naive, at nearly 20 yrs younger.

He must be kicking himself up the arse and totally bitter that he fucked up a serious relationship with a nearly 20 yrs younger woman he managed to pull, and is now looking at 60, trying to pull her equal.

Let's face it, if he could pull your equal, you wouldn't be hearing from him.

Forget about this over the hill, washed up, silver fox ..... who's too stupid to even stfu enough not to piss off and turn off his 18 yrs younger gf.

It's natural to want "revenge" when someone was a dickhead and acted poorly towards you and is still trying to blame you or say you're a bad person etc.

You're not to blame, he was
You're not a bad person.

If a guy was going on to me about women he fancied and women in porn etc. I'd swiftly tell.him the names of all the porn actors and fitness models I liked abd why I liked those porch actors - amazing physique, 6 pack, 7 inch cock, looks amazing at oral etc etc.

I had a much older man I dated ell me he preferred boobs bigger than mine etc. He suffered from ED. I shagged my ex bf and told him about it when ended the relationship.

Believe me, many women would have reacted way worse.

He's a dickhead. Move on a d stop listening to his self indulgent bitter "it's your fault, you're not a nice person" nonsense.

He's not a nice person.

He was punching, he lost you, sucks to be him, boo hoo.

He needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour.

By 60, if he ain't doing it by now .....

Thank you for this. I think you are right, he knew I adored him and would have always stuck with him, but he made it utterly impossible and just got such a kick out of trying to make me insecure and jealous, or alternatively throwing out false accusations that he 100% knew had zero grain of truth so he could make me cry and try to defend myself. I could have responded to all he’s sent with all the nasty things he did to me. I was totally loyal to him and tried to counter every attack with understanding and love, and all he’s got are the times he made me react to his abuse to throw in my face. Guess what, I just blocked him. I think he’s covered everything he could ever throw at me now, and he can now vent to empty air.

Seriously no. Now if you told him who would want to f an old man with a small shrivelled penis on his was to his grave. That would be offensive.

alternatively throwing out false accusations that he 100% knew had zero grain of truth so he could make me cry and try to defend myself

Ok, that's abuse.

It was an abusive relationship.

It takes time to process any relationship, let alone an abusive one.