The "Babyboomers" - reap what you sow?

[Minnette]

My PILs belong to the so-called "Babyboomer" generation (those born after WWII) and I find them incredibly selfish . I've read lots of theories about this in newspapers and magazines and so far they are all ringing true. Just wondering what other mumsnetters' experiences are.

My PILs generation bought their house at a reasonable price. They had children in their twenties because they could better afford to (and weren't "expected" to go to university). Now they are enjoying the sort of lifestyle their parents could only have dreamt of and we will almost certainly never be able to afford either.

My daughter is almost three and in three years, my PILs have given us almost no help whatsoever in her upbringing, despite the fact they live in the same town.

The sum total of their help has been (1) to babysit her once for two hours while I went for a haircut (after lengthy negotiation) and (2) to take her for a walk (once) in her pram after my husband BEGGED for some help while he was working away from home. I suffered PND and my MIL didn't notice, even when I told her I was feeling dreadful.

Our little girl isn't getting any easier as she approaches her third birthday and yet they are asking when we are going to have another baby. I am far too polite to tell them what I really think of them and their generation but I do say I doubt we can cope with another child under the circumstances.

Does anyone agree with me that this generation of grandparents are unhelpful? I certainly hope I can give my own children any amount of support at whatever stage of their life it's required and I can't help feeling resentful when they gloat about their third annual holiday abroad.

And the bottom line is, you reap what you sow. I never thought I'd say it but they aren't getting any younger and I feel unable to forgive their crushing lack of support (or interest) and don't think I will have the capacity or the desire to support them as they reach old age. They say society is breaking down and I wonder how much the baby boomers were actually to blame.

Actually I agree totally with you but you are going to get slated byt the righteous wrath of MN saying why should they help....
Well I think they should like you say they had a lot of help from their parents - what is happening tour generation is we are expected to do it all - work look after kids and then look after elderly parents as well !

DP and I occasionaly have this conversation about our parents.

I should just say that it's not really a childcare issue for us as they have never and would never help us with dd but I wouldn't expect them to.

Financially they had things easier. A better quality of life was available to them. Their parents helped them with us. Yes, they are quite selfish and self centered, and I say that as a calm observation rather than with emotion or bitterness.

regardless of their age or generation,they are not obliged to do anything ! some grandparents are hands on, some aren;t. some interfere, and try to take over, some see their grandchildren as little as possible. have you tried sitting down with them and asking for help? explaining that you had a hard time. and some assistance would be good? some people need to be told , not asked, what to do.

when we took the decision to have children, it was never with the expectation that my parents or in laws would be doing any sort of regular child care or anything like that. they have their jobs, lives, friends, travel, their own things to pursue.

they are invovled, in a lovley way, there is no resentment, they enjoy their grandchildren and the time they have with them.

what were your expectations> did they know what you wanted , or did you just presume?

I think you have some valid points, Minnette.

But I hope you are prepared to get flamed here by many others.

Same here, Broccoli. You said it much better than I did.

I think whether or not they help with chidcare is a completely seperate issue to house affordability for their generation.

Here we go again...another baby boomer bashing thread. Let's blame a whole chunk of society for our ills....

Some of us baby boomers are only just becoming parents ourselves.

I can't talk for all baby boomers, but I didn't go to university because I was from working class stock and wasn't encouraged to do so.

I didn't have my baby in my 20's because I couldn't afford to. I didn't buy my house til I was in my early 30's for the same reason.

I never bought designer brands and I didn't have a car til I was 30.

I don't feel the urge to blame anyone else for my own financial/social problems. I don't blame single parents/non workers or immigrants for any problems that society has. Yes...some people take the piss across ALL sectors of society.

You have every right to be pissed off with your inlaws. Every right to see them as selfish.

But insert immigrants/single parents/homosexuals or lesbians into that thread title and you'd get hammered. Why should you be allowed to piss off every baby boomer on this site with these kind of recriminations.

You think we're looking forward to being in our dotage and having our selfish kids look after us? Or not as is more likely to be the case???

And do you really think that you'll get a better deal when your kids are grown and look back at your actions????

It really pisses me off...

i think you are unlucky enough to have selfish people as inlaws. lumping their faults onto an entire generation is unfair.
you dont mention your own family. why not?
grandparents shouldnt have to help if they dont want to. and yes, you do reap what you sow, but they have already sown their seeds when they took care of their son, they dont have to take care of his kids.

Errrm...my folks and my in laws had kids in their 20's. Yes house prices were cheaper yonks ago but so were wages. Food prices/interest rates/white goods etc were much more expensive.

My FIL won a place at grammar school - he couldn't go, his parents couldn't afford the uniform.

My father had to leave school at 15, his parents needed him to bring in a wage....

I think you are being a tad selfish and more than a little bit immature.

I think the generation who benefitted from affordable housing is a bit older than you Squilly and it does also depend on your parents aspirations for you. I think those who financially has the best opportunity to buy cheapish homes are all now in their 50's and early 60's.

Many of them realise they've benefitted from an economic glitch some don't.

People are people some outward looking some aren't.

I don't have boomers are parents, though. My dad was born at the tail end of the Depression and my mother in 1941.

Their mindset follows along those lines, too.

totally agree with teh last 4 comments.

my landlord is a boomer, though.

but he grew up VERY, VERY poor in Glasgow, and i find his mindset is much more akin to my father's - who also grew up in poverty.

Also my parents married & bought first home young (no sleeping/playing around at all!) and then waited 6 years until they accord to have their first child - ie afford for my mum not to work and live just off Dad's salary.

See I am selfish, I did not wait until I could afford to have dc's2-4 I just thought about age gaps and what I wanted rather than what we could afford, never finished by accountancy qualifications etc etc

both my parents were born in the mid 50's, my mum wouls have loved to go to university but couldnt aford to , my dad left school at 13 because his parents couldnt aford school uniform.
they did marry, buy a house and have me very young and yes their first house was cheap but so were wages, my dad worked day and night to pay for us.

Now that i have my own child i really dont see why it is their responsibility to look after her, or help us financially.
both my parents are in their early 50's now and are enjoying their life, my mum certainly wouldnt choose to have a baby now herself so why should she stop doing things she enjoys to look after mine!

People are selfish because they were born in a time when things were a little easier?

Sounds daft to me, but if that's true then the best thing they can do for you is to let your life be really really hard so that you become more saintly. They are doing you a favour

my dad couldn't afford to buy a home until he was 36.

it is still their principal residence.

he will use everything till it dies, fix it, repair it if he can.

he sees no point in spending money when it's no needed.

my mother got him to gradually remodel the house - a bungalow - and he kept going on about how the new kitchen cost $12,000 more than what he paid for the house back in 1972.

she didn't even bother telling him what the bathrooms, landscaping, new garage, etc. cost.

they did make the home accessible, so if their mobility needs change they won't need to move.

my landlord is the same way.

he left an old lawnmower and the starter cable snapped. but he asked if we can phone the repairman - there's only one around here - to see if he can fix it first.

my mother finished high school in 1959, and girls didn't go to university except to find husbands or become teachers or nurses for the most part.

Yes, we've asked for help, but only when we were totally desperate. We have had many additional stresses in the past three years such that we have considered separating, none of which I really want to go into here and yet despite this and despite having mentioned how we were feeling, they continued to sort of change the subject.

I always assumed we'd have a sort of mutual awareness of one anothers' needs. They had significant help from their own parents when my husband and his sister were young children, so they've had some sort of idea of how families can work.

I always thought we'd look after them in their old age. We used to have plans to build a house with a sort of annexe for them so they could live independently as they got older. We discussed this with them many years ago and they seemed thrilled with the idea. We used to joke that my MIL would unlock our drinks cabinet and nick all the wine while we were asleep. We used to laugh about it.

The point is, we don't feel the same about them since they've done so little to help. I'm glad they can afford a nice lifestyle, I just wish they could also find time to be of some practical or emotional support - anything really. And I don't think it's unreasonable to feel that the level of practical or emotional support I can now offer to them has dimished as a result. I truly feel sad about it and think it's a valid point of discussion even if it pisses some people off.

maybe what you assumed would be nice all round, does not appeal to them now. maybe they want to enjoy themselves and not feel beholden. selfish, maybe, but their lives.

what did you expect? weekly babysitting? children staying with them for weekends?

they might feel that they are doing whta they always intended to do , and don;t know they are not measuring up

they might not know how to deal with depression and you and your DH nearly splitting, it might make them feel awkward or uncomfortable

do your parents help?

i think i'd tell them how i feel.

i'd like to help out with my grandkids if i get them/am around/live in the same country.

They are both 60, by the way.

And my parents aren't around, which is why I don't mention them.

Baby boomers are defined as being born after the war up to 1964. I count myself a baby boomer.

I also have 4 sisters and a brother who are all older than me, so definitely baby boomers. They all worked hard for a living, some bought their houses some didn't, but I'm really proud of them all.

They all fought their way out of a poverty/shite upbringing and have done really well for themselves, without anyone elses help. So yes, I do get pissed off sometimes, probably unreasonably so, when people blame them (us) for the current economic situation and their own poor fortune.

I wouldn't say you were selfish, cargirl for putting off your accountancy qualifications. It's your choice to do that and there's pride in bringing up the family you want in the way you want to do it.

I looked at the financial side before having dd because I didn't want her bought up in the same level of poverty we were (unlikely though that would be these days) and so I waited...too long in the end.

I know that some baby boomers are barstewards, like some youngsters are barstewards, but lordy lordy...when we start tarring everyone with the same brush, aren't we in trouble???