The "Babyboomers" - reap what you sow?

[Minnette]

My PILs belong to the so-called "Babyboomer" generation (those born after WWII) and I find them incredibly selfish . I've read lots of theories about this in newspapers and magazines and so far they are all ringing true. Just wondering what other mumsnetters' experiences are.

My PILs generation bought their house at a reasonable price. They had children in their twenties because they could better afford to (and weren't "expected" to go to university). Now they are enjoying the sort of lifestyle their parents could only have dreamt of and we will almost certainly never be able to afford either.

My daughter is almost three and in three years, my PILs have given us almost no help whatsoever in her upbringing, despite the fact they live in the same town.

The sum total of their help has been (1) to babysit her once for two hours while I went for a haircut (after lengthy negotiation) and (2) to take her for a walk (once) in her pram after my husband BEGGED for some help while he was working away from home. I suffered PND and my MIL didn't notice, even when I told her I was feeling dreadful.

Our little girl isn't getting any easier as she approaches her third birthday and yet they are asking when we are going to have another baby. I am far too polite to tell them what I really think of them and their generation but I do say I doubt we can cope with another child under the circumstances.

Does anyone agree with me that this generation of grandparents are unhelpful? I certainly hope I can give my own children any amount of support at whatever stage of their life it's required and I can't help feeling resentful when they gloat about their third annual holiday abroad.

And the bottom line is, you reap what you sow. I never thought I'd say it but they aren't getting any younger and I feel unable to forgive their crushing lack of support (or interest) and don't think I will have the capacity or the desire to support them as they reach old age. They say society is breaking down and I wonder how much the baby boomers were actually to blame.

oh, yes, because raising a family is such a huge burden and sacrifice.

you wonder why some folks bothered, tbh.

just read a bit more of this - do you think you were hoping your in-laws would fill the gap left by your own parents?

Sad as it may seem their son is the one who married you, not them and so I don't see why they should have any obligation to be an emotional or physical support. It would be nice if they were of course but perhaps they are not that kind of people.

I have just read the rest - sorry

Not childcare Beanstevie.

So they are sixty. Do you think this alone should make grandparents want to help out more or be more involved? Not meaning to rile you, just a simple question

The funny thing is they have lots of friends who are extremely involved with grandchildren, I mean one set who do all the daycare while parents work and one who have actually adopted their grandson.

So I'm not saying that's what I'd want, far from it, but it makes you wonder why they don't sort of compare themselves to that.

I remember them once coming to see us when she was a baby and they hadn't see us for seven weeks and they commented "oh she's grown" and I really should have reacted - could have blamed the hormones and got it off my chest!

OTOH, I probably wouldn't be jumping over myself to help them when they're old in your situation, but I understand that's seen as very uncharitable and cruel.

no, I was saying they were sixty because their age had been questioned/speculated on.

their age is irrelevant as far as I can see (unless they were 90!)

Do you expect to be emotionally supportive to your own children, beaniesteve? (not meaning to rile you)

oblomov
i can easily tell you how i would feel, my grandparents had exactly the same attitude to my parents, they never saw me as a child, never spent xmas with me, never saw me on my birthday and certainly never looked after me or suppoted my parents. i have grown up fine without them, it was their loss.

my pil's have seen my dd once in nearly 3 years, they are currently 'living the life of riley', travelling around the world, my attitude to them is the same as my mums was to my grandparents, its their life and if they choose to spend it in this way its up to them. ultimately it is them that will miss out on my dd not the other way round.

Minette I don't think they are capable of being emotionally supportive. My parents aren't either - and it really really hurts that all they were ever interested in were my "acievements" (hence I rebelled, stopped achieving and started breeding instead).

I am now very distanced from my parents, come to terms with it, forgiven them and am now much much happier.

I disagree. You say you grew up fine without your grandparents and I don't dispute you really are fine but if you've never had a granny to give you chocolate biscuits and soft cuddles and sing you an "old" song then you can't for certain that you wouldn't have benefitted from having had this.

yeah you're probably right about them not being capable

Ho hum, that's life I guess. Just hope they're not still expecting the annexe and the bacon butties on a Sunday morning. My MIL used to say "don't ever put me in an old people's home".

Plus, I wonder how your parents felt about the gp's non interest, in you.
If OP's pils are not interested in gd, I wonder how thta makes OP's dh feel.
Your children are part of your life. And we hope / expect our parents to be interested in us, thus our children, because they are part of us, part of our lives.

I didn't have a close relationship with my GP's and I know my parents had issues with them plus there were loads of GC on both sides most of whom lived much closer etc However I loved them and I do value what they give to me in terms of their time & interest.

I will be emotionally supportive to my own children, yes. But I think I will also be like my mum is (born in 1947) and encourage my children to have some emotional and practical independence too. I don't think my mum will help me with childcare and I wouldn't expect her to even though she only lives 4 miles away.

I have to say here that I am only TTC and so have no children and so no idea how difficult it can be and I respect that you know your own situation much better than me. I don't expect her to love them as much as I assume I will. My mum is not unemotional and not un-supportive but I kind of know that I can't rely on her as much as I did when I was younger IYKWIM.

I guess some people are just like that but I am not sure if it has anything to do with the time they were born.

oblomov, as i said, my pils have no interest in my dd, i know that she has enough love from us and that it is the pils that are missing out. i really dont let it worry me.

My last post was addressed to Nancy, by the way.
Are you so sure, that there is no remorse/sadness at ALL, in you Nancy, for the fact that your gp or parents don't have an active role in your life/the life of your children.
I find it difficult to accept that there is no hurt there at all.

I fully intend to spend any inheritance I get on ensuring my parents get into a decent old peoples home, I am happy to forgo money rather than be involved in looking after them!

It must be very hard to have your vision of an extended mututally involved happy family shattered. I can see how you thought it would be is very very very different to how actually is because they're not emotionally supportive.

Good luck with TTC beaniesteve.

Yes, it's different when they are actually born. Impossible to even describe the level of tiredness and how desperately lonely and depressing it can be at times. Sometimes it's hard to see an end to it. Your childless friends don't really help and the ones with kids are busy coping with their own lives, so parents could be a real lifeline.

You need someone to give you a break, that's all, even if it's just popping in to let you have five minutes to get a shower or something.

So it's not always about paid childcare.

Minette - I'm sending you hugs!
I think I know where you're coming from.

My Mum is 73 (b. 1933) and when I came home from hospital, after 3 days in labour, a botched emergency cesarean and had discharged myself early out of the nosiest hospital in the world (after 5 days and nights in hell), she turned up a few days later and just sat down and expected me to make her tea. I had to beg her to help me - she very reluctantly emptied the dishwasher for me once. She told me that she'd had a normal birth with me and couldn't understand that I'd not been able to push the baby out.

She has babysat (when DD was asleep)1) when I had to go to a friend's mother's funeral, and 2) when I had an appointment with my bank manager (she was late BTW as she is very un-supportive about me running my own business - she never worked outside the home)

Apart from that I've had no practical help at all from any of the grandparents - they do send us pictures of their many and varied vacations (carbon footprints a go go) which is nice for them.

I have ceased to care that they don't want to have a meaningful relationship with my DD, or any involvement in our lives, and I've done a lot of soul searching about what I expceted from them (empathy and interest). I've stopped ringing them with news of our DD - our phone bills were huge - they never call us.

My own mum told me she was 'retired' from babies, held DD a few times, never changed her nappy, and expects me to wait on her hand and foot when she ever bothers to visit - she cancels any arrangement we have if something 'better' turns up.

Funny thing is that I cooked my own meals from 16, worked hard to get a scholarship to go to uni and got a scholarship for a masters also. I worked my ass off every summer holiday I had for anything I wanted to buy. She's actually never given me anything - I wore hand me downs from cousins! I hated living with her actually if I'm honest - she'd hoover under you. I've been reading the 'we took you to stately homes' thread and am coming to the conclusion that my mum is toxic and a narcissist.

It's a bit like your own story possibly. I sometimes wonder if I'm a bitter plum, but I really find the hurt of her insensitivity very hard to deal with. Maybe we've just been unlucky? I can't really believe every babyboomer / wwII person is the same?

I'm glad you had a wonderful grandmother, and it's lovely you sing the songs she sang to you, to your own DD. It's not all bad is it? Maybe you have to skip a generation, and adopt your gran as your mum /PILs?

I hope you are able to find support from other quarters. I have made many mummy friends in RL and here!

my parents do have an active role in my life. its my in laws that dont. as for my grandparents yes i am very sure that there is no remorse at all.

Frankly I am terrified . Terrified of how it effectls all relationships. Hope I didn't upset you earlier and good luck. Have you tried talking to them, maybe they are gadding about a bit but could they also be trying to be chilled laid back In-laws and trying not to interfere?

Surely it's at least partly a generational thing.

My grandparents generation were busy fighting the war. They didn't own property and nor did they aspire to as much as we do today.

By contrast, their children (the babyboomers) not only aspired to own property, they could afford to do so without two incomes.

People of my generation struggle more to afford mortgages and general cost of living is higher (even to the extent we went to university with grants whereas our children will probably look to us for support - which we will readily give). When we got married we paid every penny ourselves (and I mean every single penny) and yet I expect to pay for my daughter's wedding too - life seems pretty expensive!

My PILs generation (on the whole) appear sandwiched between the two generations. I think even my PILs would agree with this because I mentioned it once and my FIL responded

"great, innit?"

No I don't really think it is a generational thing. My parents are a product of their upbringing which has affected who they are emotionally.

Your PIL's have let you down emotionally I really don't think it has to do with them not having experienced the financial constraints that you have.

They are very selfish people but that is not because they've had it easier it is to do with their outlook on life IMO