The "Babyboomers" - reap what you sow?

[Minnette]

My PILs belong to the so-called "Babyboomer" generation (those born after WWII) and I find them incredibly selfish . I've read lots of theories about this in newspapers and magazines and so far they are all ringing true. Just wondering what other mumsnetters' experiences are.

My PILs generation bought their house at a reasonable price. They had children in their twenties because they could better afford to (and weren't "expected" to go to university). Now they are enjoying the sort of lifestyle their parents could only have dreamt of and we will almost certainly never be able to afford either.

My daughter is almost three and in three years, my PILs have given us almost no help whatsoever in her upbringing, despite the fact they live in the same town.

The sum total of their help has been (1) to babysit her once for two hours while I went for a haircut (after lengthy negotiation) and (2) to take her for a walk (once) in her pram after my husband BEGGED for some help while he was working away from home. I suffered PND and my MIL didn't notice, even when I told her I was feeling dreadful.

Our little girl isn't getting any easier as she approaches her third birthday and yet they are asking when we are going to have another baby. I am far too polite to tell them what I really think of them and their generation but I do say I doubt we can cope with another child under the circumstances.

Does anyone agree with me that this generation of grandparents are unhelpful? I certainly hope I can give my own children any amount of support at whatever stage of their life it's required and I can't help feeling resentful when they gloat about their third annual holiday abroad.

And the bottom line is, you reap what you sow. I never thought I'd say it but they aren't getting any younger and I feel unable to forgive their crushing lack of support (or interest) and don't think I will have the capacity or the desire to support them as they reach old age. They say society is breaking down and I wonder how much the baby boomers were actually to blame.

beaniesteve, don't be terrified, just be prepared (like a girl guide ). It WILL affect your relationship and you will need to find all sorts of reserves you didn't realise existed but your little child will (hopefully) make it all worthwhile in the end. When I'm asked about being a mum I say it's the best and worst thing I've ever done, all rolled into one.

Zazen - ta for the hugs. Some days it all seems so overwhelming and dealing with a 2-3 year old is so exhausting you need some support don't you? Mumsnet can be great for that - just knowing someone else feels the same.

And there's a positive - the "oldies" have forgotten how bloody hard it is - at least MN brings advice and support from others in the same boat, so yeah, it's not all bad.

you're welcome Minette - you are right: having a child is the best and worst together - but the worst gets less and less and the best gets better. My DD is 4 this year - it gets easier!

BLOODY HELL!! What is it that makes people think that everyone in a certain generation is the same.

Not all baby boomers are financially well off and emotionally distant.

Not all oldies have forgotten how hard it is.

Not all current generation families are struggling to any greater degree than their parents did.

I've read this thread right from the beginning, trying to understand the hurt and empathise with the posters. And I do!

I understand the feeling of being on my own because my mum is emotionally distant to the point of being unreachable. (my mum, not my gran or my inlaws, my own bloody mother).

I now, as an adult, understand that she struggled so much raising her family, both financially and emotionally, that she invested very little in us, trying instead to distance herself from us.

Do I worry that this will affect my child? No.

Do I worry that her lack of involvement in her grandchild's life will affect her my daughter? No.

I realise that she had her life and lived it as she saw best and now I have mine. I live it my way. I learn from what she did wrong and hopefully, my child won't have emotional distance to contend with as one of her problems.

I'd love more support, but I struggle on my own and I sort out my own problems. It's part of being an adult. And I teach my child, as she grows into a lovely young girl, that she stands alone. That we love her and we support her, but at some point, she must stand alone.

And I also teach her that we all make mistakes. We all cock up sometimes and that's part of what makes us human. And that forgiveness is the best virtue she can have, because she'll need it, so she can live her life without bitterness or regret.

I hope that she will look back at me as a parent and as a grandparent and realise that yes, I have done things wrong. I haven't always met her needs. But hopefully, she'll realise that I did what I thought was best.

I hope that your kids do the same with you and you don't end up the subject of 'generational' posts to come on some mumsnet of the future.

Such a sad thread - the best/most loving/most supportive relationship I have ever had was my beloved grandmother (tears now thinking of her she died last April) - she adored me (and my brother and sister) and helped my mum practically and emotionally (and financially)- she is my dads mum....she was a wonderful stubborn awkward funny loving lady and my relationship with her was vital to me .....
AND thats why its bloody important not the money or the childcare but having a gran...
My parents are a bit hopeless really practically but at least they care and that is good enough for me (and my mum says a lot how she couldn't have coped without my gran)...that is why I have gone out of my way to maintain my DD's relationship with MIl even though H and I seperated cos DD1 adores her nan (DD2 only 16 weeks) - she helps me practically as well but that is not the most important thing though TBH it does bloody help!!

OK

First, i understand minette that perhaps your dream of a cosy extended family for your chldren has been crushed.

However

The babyboomers were - in alot of cases raised by fathers who were emotionally and sometimes physically damaged by the war. (if we are talking wwII), and mothers who were so stressed, and had to go through enormous hardship.

THEY were raised by parents who were emotionally and physically damaged by WWI.

I think some people have nothing left to give.

During the first part of the 20th century, there were 2 consecutive generations that had to deal with these 2 wars. It had to have left a mark, and I think for some older people, it is that they FINALLY put themselves first.

Like I said, maybe its just that they have nothing left to give.

Minette, I can see what you're saying but don't think you can label a generation like that. My ILs are in their 70s and 80s, FIL is only 10 years younger than my own grandma. They all lived through WW2, yet they are all totally different. My ILs are like yours, very selfish and think that the world should revolve around them (to the point of throwing a hissy fit when it doesn't). My Grandma (and my Grandad, until he died in 1994), felt that if you wanted something, you had to put some effort in to get it, and that you had to put that effort in right though your lifetime. That included showing an interest and caring about people. My ILs, while they might have worked until their retirement, seem to have "switched off" their caring gene. They think that because they've done their bit, they no longer have to show an interest or make an effort, and that extends to my DDs- the only grandchildren they've got. My parents will ask how DDs are, my ILs won't (they've also been "ILs from hell", which is why I have little contact with them). And because I don't visit, DDs don't either. This is really where they're "reaping what they've sown". My ILs will bleat on about how people "don't care", yet they themselves show that they don't care much about other people. For me, it's their loss and it's not only about "reaping what they've sown", but also "treating others how you'd like to be treated yourself".
I'd say your ILs selfishness is more down to just who they are as people, rather than down to when they were born.