The "Babyboomers" - reap what you sow?

[Minnette]

My PILs belong to the so-called "Babyboomer" generation (those born after WWII) and I find them incredibly selfish . I've read lots of theories about this in newspapers and magazines and so far they are all ringing true. Just wondering what other mumsnetters' experiences are.

My PILs generation bought their house at a reasonable price. They had children in their twenties because they could better afford to (and weren't "expected" to go to university). Now they are enjoying the sort of lifestyle their parents could only have dreamt of and we will almost certainly never be able to afford either.

My daughter is almost three and in three years, my PILs have given us almost no help whatsoever in her upbringing, despite the fact they live in the same town.

The sum total of their help has been (1) to babysit her once for two hours while I went for a haircut (after lengthy negotiation) and (2) to take her for a walk (once) in her pram after my husband BEGGED for some help while he was working away from home. I suffered PND and my MIL didn't notice, even when I told her I was feeling dreadful.

Our little girl isn't getting any easier as she approaches her third birthday and yet they are asking when we are going to have another baby. I am far too polite to tell them what I really think of them and their generation but I do say I doubt we can cope with another child under the circumstances.

Does anyone agree with me that this generation of grandparents are unhelpful? I certainly hope I can give my own children any amount of support at whatever stage of their life it's required and I can't help feeling resentful when they gloat about their third annual holiday abroad.

And the bottom line is, you reap what you sow. I never thought I'd say it but they aren't getting any younger and I feel unable to forgive their crushing lack of support (or interest) and don't think I will have the capacity or the desire to support them as they reach old age. They say society is breaking down and I wonder how much the baby boomers were actually to blame.

Hmm

They've said some things which make talking about the issue a bit difficult. When our daughter was born, my MIL told me flatly

"We don't do babies"

Not much I could say about that, I thought.

Though looking back I can think of a million responses!

I find nancys post :"Now that i have my own child i really dont see why it is their responsibility to look after her, or help us financially",
is typical of these kind of threads.
She can not see past the childcare issue.
But that is not what the OP is tlaking about.
Op didn't say, I expect my pils to look after my kids all the time, for free, so I go and work and have my hair cut, and I expect them to give me loads of dosh, while they are at it.
Is is not just about demanding parents look after your kids. Or the financial benefits of that.
This goes much deeper. To not showing an interest in your children, to not looking after you or showing any real love or concern for your welfare (PND , for e.g)
Why can people not discuss the bigger picture here, without bringing it back to chilcare and money.

My parents died before my children were born. My in laws don't help with childcare, as their daughter has multiple disabilities, she is now 35. If she had been born a few years older I suppose they'd have put her in some sort of institution....

Minette

OMG!! Don't do babies!!! They're not freaky cos they're baby boomers, they're just freaky full stop.

Surely everyone does babies...what's not to do????

that sounds just like the kind of thing my mum would say, but being her daughter i know its a joke.
maybe they are nervous around babies, if there are no other grandchildren it could have been a long time since they had anything to do with a baby, this was certainly the case when my dd was born, my dad was scared to hold her because he thought he had forgotten how!

Good post, Ob.

What expectations did I have?

Occasional babysitting perhaps, and if not then maybe just wanting to see our daughter at Christmas, that sort of thing.

On her first Christmas we invited them to xmas dinner but they said they prefered to stay home so we had them over on xmas eve instead but they just stayed long enough to eat and went home.

Must admit I still feel upset whenever I see people of obvious grandparent-age pushing prams. Like expat I hope to see and help with my own grandchildren if I'm lucky enough. I was very close to my granny and even though she's not here any more I probably think of her every day and sing the songs she taught me to my own daughter now.

oblomov, if you read the op its about how they got to buy a cheap house and how many times they have looked after the child, it seemed that money and child care were an issue

I read Op very differently to you then Nancy.
I don't see that at all.
I see someone who is unsupported In EVERY way, by pils. Someone who has been hurt. Someone who hoped/expected that pils would be interested in gc, and want to be invloved in their upbringing.
But to you, all you read is childcare and money.

I'm a babyboomer (just lol).

My PIL aren't; they were born before WWII but are pretty much the same as yours Minnette. My parents (same generation) are the polar opposite. I don't think the generation we were born in makes a difference. Some people are selfish, some aren't.

I read it the same way, Ob.

Especially when I read that she'd had PND.

A lot of times, when you have PND, you try to mask it or cover it up with other things that seem really trivial.

Money is definitely not the issue. They were blue-collar workers and we are both well-paid professionals. We have never needed or expected any money from them and they have never needed to offer.

The fact remains that family life was significantly easier for them because they didn't both work. My MIL nevr had to juggle a career with a child and a husband working away from home.

She also had her mother for support.

Regarding childcare I would never have asked my MIL to look after my daughter while I worked. I don't think this would have been good for either of them. It simply would nevr have entered my head.

It is about occasional care, interest, involvement, having an impact on their grandchild's life. It's about leaving some sort of memory of themselves.

It's about caring enough to notice when you are being practically begged for support.

Why do people assume it's about money and childcare?

oblomov, if this was about being let down and unsupported then what if the relevance of the cost of the pils first home, or how many holidays they have a year?

Nancy
3 years, and they have helped twice.
I bet they spend no time with gd. I bet they show little interest and do not really enquire into her developments, cute things she says, etc.
They show no interest in their sons child. Do you not think this is hurtful to both Op and, but largely to son( OP's DH) ?
It is a rejection.
And you still think this comes down to 'free childcare' ?

Minette I do think it is very sad that your PIL's are interested in your dc (we don't get a huge amount of interest here either) but it is nothing to do with them babyboomers that is what has got this thread confused.

Big hugs, I can completely understand why you feel so disinclined to look after them in old age like you always thought you would.

Becasue they type of house they live in, holidays they have apaints a picture of the kind of people they are, luxury of their lifestyle.
Its not like mum works flat out and is so exhausted that she is unable to telephone. Or maybe come and talk gd to the park once a month.
She isn't demanding they look after gd one day a week.
She is asking that they show a MINUEST bit of interest in gd.

oblomov
yes sad they are not interested in the child, but i dont see the relevance of all the other stuff, sorry.

The cost of their first home is relevant though isn't it?

My MIL didn't have to go out to work in order to afford the mortgage. Many women of my generation do. The price of houses forces many women to go back to work after having a child. Juggling both is stressful, but she never had to do this.

It means she can't empathise with the additional stresses we feel under, but even when I've tried to talk to her about how I feel the conversation has gone something like

Me "I feel so lonely when DP is working away. He's been away for four days and I haven't spoken to another single person but the baby. It's hard juggling goign to work and coming home and doing everything myself"

Her "Hmm. Oh by the way we're going to Majorca a week on Thursday"

One time he was working away and I told her I was lonely and they actually said they would pop over "about 4pm". They never arrived.

Becasue they are very selfish. Living the life or riley. No care for a dil who is struggling. No interest in gd.
What else do you call that is not selfish?
How would you feel in one of your children showed no interest in your life ?

Your PIL's are emotionally stunted, they can't handle you being honest, not they don't understand how difficult your life is. I don't think they want to TBH

Nancy - it has relevance because it sets the scene and it is a part of the tangle that Minnette is working through. These are Minnette's personal circumstances and she includes details so that we can recognise and relate. I found an awful lot to relate to in the OP and in Minnette's subsequent posts and I may not have done if she had simply written:

"GPs show no interest in us. It makes me wonder why we should bother showing and interest in them when they need us"

"Does anyone agree with me that this generation of grandparents are unhelpful?"

born after the war? You mean around 1950ish? which would make them mid to late 50's? which presumably means they are still working?

Wasn't there a similar conversation on here recently, about younger grandparents?

I think they could be a bit more involved (from what you have said) but if it's childcare you are looking for then it's possibly unfair on them as they are so young and are possibly enjoying a bit of free time after raising their own families.

woops - sorry for sounding like 'the righteous wrath of MN '

if you read the thread you will see it's not about childcare

and I have said they are both 60