Give me strength

[lurker1000]

Give me strength!

You know when you know you are not in the wrong but you feel like you are going mad. My husband is in a huff again and moving back out - he got a flat a year ago and has been back and forward.

Every so often - and this is my fault - he engineers. It so that he goes in a mood (because of something I’ve done or not done) and he uses it as an excuse to flounce back to his flat for a bit.

I’m done. I’ve been letting him back each time and I need a serious kick up the behind. I don’t think he will change. It’s too convenient - I’m here paying bills and he comes and goes. If this was someone else I know what I would tell them but I’m letting myself down - I give in for the kids but I feel like an absolute mug now. Maybe because it’s now a year and I remember being heartbroken this time last year when he moved out. But I’m done. Seriously done.

Good for you. Stick to your guns. He has absolutely no right to treat you and the kids as disposable like this.

Do you have children? Oh I see you do have children. That's really unfair. Does he actually explain why he must leave the house and go to a flat rather than stay and resolve it.

I'd find this so frustrating and unfair

I'm amazed you have put up with this for a year OP.
So what does he do when he engineers the argument to go off to his other home: does he live the life of a single man and all that entails?
He is having the best of both worlds and leaving you to be the full time parent and adult.
You really should tell him not to bother coming back.

What must the children be thinking about dad coming and going as he pleases? They need some stability and continuity OP. Make this the last time for them if not for yourself.

But seriously, what would you be saying to your sister or your best friend if you saw them being treated this way?!?

That's just it - I feel like my eyes are opening and I am just a mug. He's a gambling addict (two years off a bet) and he moved out a year ago because I was unreasonable (the real reason was I didn't share my inheritance but put away for kids). It's the games he plays, he comes back and everything is good for a few weeks and then I can feel the change. The moods are back and he doesn't really take an interest in me.

The one thing that has changed is that he now is good with the kids - definitely making more of an effort this last time. They love having him here.

This time he is annoyed that I haven't been looking after him when he is sick - I probably aren't great - I don't treat him like a child, I am very matter of fact 'go to the doctors etc' - he's been ill (one thing after another) for two months. He refuses to speak when he is sick.

So now he won't speak to me because I wasn't looking after him, will not engage at all but is being nice to the kids and I found his bags all packed upstairs. Honestly, I feel like a mug.

He leaves me to deal with all the childcare - I don't think he is living a single life 'i.e. going out partying' but to be honest I don't know. Twice over the year, he didn't see the kids (or me) for over three weeks. He usually texts after a week and I am unreasonable if I put my foot down etc.....

Divorce him.

Jesus. That’s an extra child you have there. Nope. Off you go mate.

You’re not unreasonable at all. He can’t dip in and out of family life when he wants. Let him go. Ducks in a row while he’s gone and don’t have him back.

Oh yes. And the title of your thread is all wrong. You don’t need strength- I think you have that in abundance 💐

Thanks @Whalewatching i don’t feel like I have it - I’ve let him literally dictate the last year. I’m here paying all the bills and it’s honestly like the curtain has been pulled back. I don’t know why this time is different but I feel it - I’m still devastated but I’m done.

maybe because I’ve been doing it all for the past year and realised I can???

You really need to start prioritising your children. if he keeps flouncing off and leaving, your children will be in a constant state of hyper vigilance’s mode. This is seems like another chaotic dynamic to what sounds like an already dysfunctional childhood for them.

They deserve better.

Death by a thousand cuts. You’ve just recognised the pattern of his behaviour and you’ve reached your limit.

Silly man. He thought he could keep pushing you forever. He’s done this. This is the result of his flouncing.

Let this flounce be the very last one. Once you get into a routine and figure out your finances etc, it will be a lot easier and less mentally draining. Yes, everything physically, emotionally and financially will be on you, but at least you are under no illusions.

Just end it Op, he's living the life of riley, you don't do as he wants, off he goes again. It's no good for you or your DC especially when he vanishes for 3 weeks at a time. As @BitterAndTwistedClub says, let this flounce be his last one. Onwards and upwards @lurker1000

Tell him he doesn’t have a return ticket, it’s a single journey only and unless he sorts himself out you’ll happily and speedily book it for him.
Either he’s a fully committed husband and dad or he isn’t. There’s no middle way.
Don’t waver on this. You - and you alone - determine your children’s future and your future. He doesn’t have the right to balls it up.

If he goes out this time and you have clearly warned him, you'd be quite reasonable to lock the cat-flap behind him.

Time to change the locks. He's clearly a manchild and you need to get rid of him. Have you got separate finances?

Yeah - he cleared the joint account when gambling and then when he left I set up my own account for bills. So only joint finance is mortgage - which I’ve been paying on my own for a year

I'm sorry OP but my first thought is he comes back because he wants sex, stays long enough for you to start (reasonably) placing expectations on him like chores and childcare or paying for food then off he flounces to teach you a lesson. Stays away long enough until he wants sex again and so it repeats.

Do your children a favour and give them some stability and reliability. At the moment they are going through extreme high and lows due to him being allowed back in. That is a major headfuck to a child. Enough for them to need therapy.

You've got this

Personally I'd flounce off to the flat and leave him to manage the house. Go and have some fun for a couple of weeks!

Consider yourself lucky. He'll be gone without a fuss or drama and you can change the locks and have done. What's not to like?!

This! This just speaks volumes.

The thing that messes me up is that on the surface he acts like a good guy - buying the takeaways, kids toys etc but not the real stuff - the mortgage, council tax etc - that’s all been left to me.

even yesterday I came home and he’s done some washings and painted the fence - but at the same time won’t speak to me, makes himself a separate dinner and has packed his bag. I calmly asked if we could talk and was told no - he is just so cold towards me.

it feels like a double life sometimes - he’s got lots of friends in GA ( which has been brilliant for him) and I’m sure he is really nice to them but we never really see family or friends now - most are scunnered with how he treated me last year when he got the flat and he has no time for them as ‘they didn’t help him with his addiction’.

It’s like he has convinced himself I’m the problem - I’m not perfect like anyone - but I feel like I’m actually ok. I work hard, I try to be a good mum, I pay all the bills but there will always be some issue for him.

i booked a lovely a holiday this year -honestly his face was tripping about fifty percent of the time but he would make out that he was fine

I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend. I can't stand him if I'm honest. I work 28 hours a week and I'm renting a 3 bedroom house and he's living above a takeaway cafe in a one bed flat that he's allowed to rot. I've made my house a home. He gives me silent treatments and lies to me. He sponges of me so he can blow his UC on smoking and never even tries to show effort. Even on payday he doesn't so much as buy a meal for us.

You deserve better. He's not behaving like an adult. Can I ask why you live apart? X

oh hope you ok lovely - we only live apart because last year (after 15 years living together) he moved out. He had been a gambling addict for six years and one year clean he said I was unreasonable ( the real reason was that I put my parents inheritance away for our kids and not his son)

I actually remember you I think.

My boyfriend is an addict too. To anything he can get a high from. At the moment it's pregablins. The problem is with addicts they teach you that you are responsible for yourself! You are responsible for the upkeep! You can't rely on them! But they also teach you that they are vulnerable, fragile and struggling and how dare you lean on them. So you learn to cope and adapt but in side your self esteem is rotting. You feel ashamed, worthless and let down. So you let them come back to end the misery if a silent treatment or a ridiculous argument where you were pushed and blamed for everything. Its never them is it?
I believe most addicts are highly narcissistic. I dont mean they are narcissists. But they tend to be selfish. Lack empathy. Waste money, get into debt, borrow, cheat, lie and never return money. They tend to blame shift and deny. They have learned to make up stories to twist things and you end up with a big pile of WTF this makes no sense!!

I can't take my own advice. But i genuinely don't want another human being to go through what I have. So I really hope you feel strong enough to end it now. He doesn't deserve Any of your inheritance. I can only imagine you'd have slot more money if he hadn't blown it on gambling.