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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Give me strength

76 replies

lurker1000 · 10/09/2024 18:16

Give me strength!

You know when you know you are not in the wrong but you feel like you are going mad. My husband is in a huff again and moving back out - he got a flat a year ago and has been back and forward.

Every so often - and this is my fault - he engineers. It so that he goes in a mood (because of something I’ve done or not done) and he uses it as an excuse to flounce back to his flat for a bit.

I’m done. I’ve been letting him back each time and I need a serious kick up the behind. I don’t think he will change. It’s too convenient - I’m here paying bills and he comes and goes. If this was someone else I know what I would tell them but I’m letting myself down - I give in for the kids but I feel like an absolute mug now. Maybe because it’s now a year and I remember being heartbroken this time last year when he moved out. But I’m done. Seriously done.

OP posts:

Original poster

lurker1000 · 11/09/2024 09:29

I recognise so much of this - I’ve left this morning and I have no idea if he will have packed and gone when I get home tonight (I pick kids up from after school after work). I can’t live this way.

I know the narrative - he will have to move out because I’m unreasonable (but no specifics) it will ‘poor me’ etc ‘I tried so hard’ - I honestly wonder if I’m going mad

OP posts:

INeedAnotherName · 11/09/2024 09:54

I know the narrative - he will have to move out because I’m unreasonable (but no specifics) it will ‘poor me’ etc ‘I tried so hard’ - I honestly wonder if I’m going mad

You need to change it around. Stop arguing and start agreeing. It's not as though you are signing a legal agreement, or that others don't already know what he is really like.

Yes dear, I can see I'm a nightmare to live with. I don't know how you manage to cope. I think if I'm that bad and unbearable to be with then you really should leave. Bye!

Let him go, slam that door. Then lock it and throw away his keys. If you really can't let him go, agree to dating but living apart for at least a year (and no sex unless you want it, no emotional blackmail). I think the relationship will soon fizzle out if he has to court you the old fashioned way as that takes effort on his part.

snowlady4 · 11/09/2024 10:04

What was the purpose of buying the flat in the first place?- was this setup his intention? Or was the initial plan to rent it out? If it was bought as a rental I would get on with renting it out and make some money from it- and it'll no longer be available for him to hotfoot to every time he fancies. If it was bought for the purpose of hubbys little bolthole, I'd let him go and I'd be changing the locks when he's next there.
This has gone on far too long and is incredibly unfair on you.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 11/09/2024 10:16

You're not going mad, you're doing superbly! It's all part of his manipulation, keeping you guessing, what's he doing, will he be there when I get home etc.
Make this the last time then get some advice re your inheritance. Is there any way you can set up a trust fund for the kids so he can't get his hands on half of it if you divorce? I have no idea of how it works I'm afraid.

Original poster

lurker1000 · 11/09/2024 10:29

Thanks all - he’s renting the flat - hence why he’s not paying any bills on our home. He has no claim to inheritance - in Scotland it’s a protected asset.

its just mind torture. Not knowing what I’m going home to - I honestly think he believes the world he spins himself….

OP posts:

unsync · 11/09/2024 11:01

He's abusing you emotionally. Good for you for deciding enough is enough.

Luckily he has his own place so he can just stay there. Not sure on the legals in Scotland, but I'd be changing the locks anyway. (This is what I did and when ex complained to the Court, the Judge told him that as he was living elsewhere, there was no reason for him to have a key).

Start proceedings and get your child custody arrangements sorted out. You've got this.

Lovethat · 11/09/2024 11:09

I think I'd beat him to it. Send him a message asking him to have collected his stuff and be gone by the time you get home.
Then change the locks and block him on all platforms. Give him an email he can contact you about the dc but won't entertain any other conversation except about the children via that email address.

gardenmusic · 11/09/2024 11:30

OP, You really need to get some legal advice, because at the moment you cannot stop him from moving back in. He has a legal right to live there.
You need to decide what you want, and if it is breaking up, then sooner rather than later, as you are paying the bills.
Get some legal advice on how to get rid.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 11/09/2024 11:32

@INeedAnothername's idea is excellent. Avoid the arguments, avoid the strife. It means disengaging from him and grieving, but this relationship is dead anyway unless you want to tattoo 'doormat' on your forehead. His personality is maybe nice, but his character is as reliable as a drunk moth.

As others have said, this is terrible for your children.

Opentooffers · 11/09/2024 11:49

Divorce him, then he will have to pay you maintenance as he won't be having the DC's in a 1 bed flat much, if at all. Every month you let this slide you are unnecessarily losing money, money that could be being used for your DC's welfare. It's great that you get to keep your inheritance in Scotland, can't think what would hold you back other than that.
Get solicitor advice and find out if you can buy him out or do some sort of agreement on the house. You should get more than 50% having the DC's residing with you.

INeedAnotherName · 11/09/2024 12:13

gardenmusic · 11/09/2024 11:30

By the same token she has the legal right to access his flat, maybe watch a little TV, get a beer out the fridge, have a fry up. They are married after all (she could have some fun with that if he starts being even more of an idiot). But I do agree she needs to get legal advice very soon and start the process.

hideawayforever · 11/09/2024 12:48

What are you gaining from this marriage? nothing, you might as well be divorced.
Tell him to get out, start divorcing him, make him look after the kids in his flat or take them out. he's getting away with being a proper husband and dad.
he'll have to look after them all by himself once you're divorced.
you're enabling his behaviour by allowing him to come back all the time.

if he was serious about coming back he would have got rid of the flat.
he's having his cake and eating it at the moment. only you can change it.

Original poster

lurker1000 · 11/09/2024 13:42

Thanks all - and I could go to his flat - but I wouldn’t - I would never ever leave the kids. I’ve also never been to his flat - more as a point of principle than anything.

he said when he first left that I should have been at his door ‘begging for him to come home’ - he wasn’t impressed when I said I would never do that. (It’s like he has forgotten I lived hell with an addict for six years) he was one year clean when he moved out and thought I should be proving that I wanted to be with him.

but yes, if he really wanted it to work - he wouldn’t have kept the safety net of it. I’m actually embarrassed to tell my friends and family - I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:

Original poster

lurker1000 · 11/09/2024 19:06

So I've come home - he was still here - more bags packed, but when I try to ask a question (relating to kids movements) I get one word answers.

I think he wants to be so horrible, that I have a go then he has justification for leaving and I am the 'bad guy' - sigh........

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/09/2024 19:10

So this evening why don't you file for divorce on line? Hopefully he will then stay out once and for all.

He's such a man child.

INeedAnotherName · 11/09/2024 19:34

Go and pack the rest of his stuff silently, then go to your laptop and search gov.uk for their links on what to do for divorce including how to start one online. Then search for family solicitors in your area and write down the phone numbers, or maybe email them.

Once you start with the first step, the second and third and fourth follow. Keep plodding forward because doing nothing is causing you hell.

Lovethat · 11/09/2024 21:56

I'd take on the label of being the bad guy, and ask him if he wants a hand putting his bags in the car

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 12/09/2024 16:33

he said when he first left that I should have been at his door ‘begging for him to come home’

Would he beg you?

No? then he's playing a power game and fundamentally thinks you're there to service him.
Yes? Then he expects a relationship based on playing emotional games like a spoiled or troubled child.

He really isn't a keeper, once you see his basic character.

Good luck @lurker1000 You deserve a LOT better than this. So do your children.

Original poster

lurker1000 · 13/09/2024 10:39

Thanks @DucklingSwimmingInstructress he had a real issue that I wouldn't do that - he said 'do you think you are something special?'. Honestly he believes it all himself - that I am the bad person and he is the good one.

I don't think I am something special - I think I am a grown up and if you walk away and set up a flat to leave your wife and kids, I chose not to beg you to come home - for my own self respect more than anything really.

I let him come back because I want it to work - but I think I definitely need to be stronger....

OP posts:

offyoujollywelltrot · 13/09/2024 11:32

lurker1000 · 13/09/2024 10:39

I let him come back because I want it to work - but I think I definitely need to be stronger....

It's not going to work. You need to be rid of him.

Original poster

lurker1000 · 23/09/2024 16:01

Oh I feel like my head is going to explode. He's still here - but he's horrible to me. Won't speak - I've started to grey rock.

I called him out last week (he watched the kids whilst I was working late, came home and place was a tip - fair enough. but the next morning when I got up to get kids ready for school etc, he lay in his bed and I had to sort everything). Me being annoyed about this was 'completely out of order' according to him and he said that he was going to go back to his flat for the night and we 'could take things from there'

I calmly stated (after reading this thread) that it was a one way ticket and if he wanted to flounce off, then frankly I didn't want a part of it. He didn't go, but he won't speak to me. He insists that he will only speak out of the house - I left work early one day last week to have the conversation, but he was getting his car fixed and said it didn't suit him.

I refuse now to sit in a bedroom at night (this was the pattern before when he was horrible), so on Saturday night, I sat with kids in living room and he went and lay in our youngest son room all night watching his phone. The kids totally pick up on all of this.

I'm now living in a the most pressurised atmosphere - I've got the worst back/neck pains which I am sure is down to stress. He won't speak and I just hate it. I honestly hate it, I feel sick. He's outside just now painting a garden fence - it's like I'm going crazy - he's trying to make out he is so reasonable.

I'm sorry for posting - I guess a handhold would be good!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/09/2024 16:25

OK he is clearly being abusive.

Make a log of his behaviour, look to getting an occupation order and file for divorce on-line.

Do no laundry/shopping/cooking for him.

He is horrid and he is damaging you and the DC.

offyoujollywelltrot · 23/09/2024 16:30

Time to speak to a solicitor..🌺

Bookworm20 · 23/09/2024 16:44

Are his bags still packed? Tell him you've decided that actually him flouncing off again is a good idea and would he mind helping you to the car with them.

Or, if you're able, and he won't leave, pack your own bag and check into a hotel for a couple of evenings.
But honestly, whats the point of him? (apart from a newly painted fence). Write down all the things he does that make you feel good, and all the things he does that make you feel sad. And then ask yourself that question again. Whats the point of him?

dothehokeycokey · 23/09/2024 17:03

He's hanging around op because he's realising your tone is changing and he's pushed you too far so now he's playing mind games.

If it was me I would quietly tell him it's time to go now back to his flat and that you are seeing a solicitor this week regarding properties/finances/dc etc as you've had enough of his flouncing and mind games and walk away.

Show him your stronger than the last year of putting up with his shit op

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