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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Give me strength

76 replies

lurker1000 · 10/09/2024 18:16

Give me strength!

You know when you know you are not in the wrong but you feel like you are going mad. My husband is in a huff again and moving back out - he got a flat a year ago and has been back and forward.

Every so often - and this is my fault - he engineers. It so that he goes in a mood (because of something I’ve done or not done) and he uses it as an excuse to flounce back to his flat for a bit.

I’m done. I’ve been letting him back each time and I need a serious kick up the behind. I don’t think he will change. It’s too convenient - I’m here paying bills and he comes and goes. If this was someone else I know what I would tell them but I’m letting myself down - I give in for the kids but I feel like an absolute mug now. Maybe because it’s now a year and I remember being heartbroken this time last year when he moved out. But I’m done. Seriously done.

OP posts:

Hatty65 · 23/09/2024 17:30

dothehokeycokey · 23/09/2024 17:03

He's hanging around op because he's realising your tone is changing and he's pushed you too far so now he's playing mind games.

If it was me I would quietly tell him it's time to go now back to his flat and that you are seeing a solicitor this week regarding properties/finances/dc etc as you've had enough of his flouncing and mind games and walk away.

Show him your stronger than the last year of putting up with his shit op

This.

Just take charge, OP, Tell him that you are beyond caring what his opinion of the situation is - that you are paying the entire mortgage and bills and that you just don't WANT him there any longer. You no longer want to be in a relationship with a sulky cocklodger who doesn't pay his way and who is deeply unpleasant to be around.

Tell him you are done. He can blame who he likes, but basically everyone who knows you realises what he is like. No decent husband and father fucks off to their own flat every time they don't get their own way.

He's destroyed your marriage and he can deal with the consequences. You and the kids are moving on.

SensibleSigma · 23/09/2024 17:38

He’s waiting for you to kick him out so it’s your fault not his.

Tell him his share of the bills for the last however many months.

Stop doing anything for him- cooking etc. have you got separate rooms to sleep in?

AlertCat · 23/09/2024 20:05

lurker1000 · 23/09/2024 16:01

Oh I feel like my head is going to explode. He's still here - but he's horrible to me. Won't speak - I've started to grey rock.

I called him out last week (he watched the kids whilst I was working late, came home and place was a tip - fair enough. but the next morning when I got up to get kids ready for school etc, he lay in his bed and I had to sort everything). Me being annoyed about this was 'completely out of order' according to him and he said that he was going to go back to his flat for the night and we 'could take things from there'

I calmly stated (after reading this thread) that it was a one way ticket and if he wanted to flounce off, then frankly I didn't want a part of it. He didn't go, but he won't speak to me. He insists that he will only speak out of the house - I left work early one day last week to have the conversation, but he was getting his car fixed and said it didn't suit him.

I refuse now to sit in a bedroom at night (this was the pattern before when he was horrible), so on Saturday night, I sat with kids in living room and he went and lay in our youngest son room all night watching his phone. The kids totally pick up on all of this.

I'm now living in a the most pressurised atmosphere - I've got the worst back/neck pains which I am sure is down to stress. He won't speak and I just hate it. I honestly hate it, I feel sick. He's outside just now painting a garden fence - it's like I'm going crazy - he's trying to make out he is so reasonable.

I'm sorry for posting - I guess a handhold would be good!

So now he can do, or not do, whatever he likes around the house and when you point out that this is unacceptable, he will either leave you or emotionally abuse you and the kids with this stuff. And it is abuse. There’s no excuse for this, no reason that makes it ok. He has the flat, so while he is behaving like this, get your finances safe, your important papers (marriage certificate, birth certificates for you and the DC, passports, bank stuff) and then tell him he’s leaving. You and your children are worth so much more.

MayaPinion · 23/09/2024 20:25

Have you said to him, ‘I’m not happy in this marriage any more and I want you to leave. I want to start divorce proceedings because this isn’t working for either of us and we deserve to move on with our lives.’? Do not tell him to go back to his flat because there’s no way he will go. Some people are just twats like that.

Original poster

lurker1000 · 26/09/2024 18:59

I'm so sorry - I just need a handhold. FS.

So last week has been horrendous - I've kept quiet, the twice I've tried to speak - about neutral things re kids - I've been told to F off - yesterday this launched into calling me a narcissist, a bad step mum, emotionally empty (followed by a text listing all my bad faults). I've deliberately not got involved in arguments.

I've come home today and all his stuff is gone. So I'm assuming he has gone back to his flat. I caved and texted him to say how I feel and now I hate that I done this.

I KNOW THIS IS FOR THE BEST. why am I upset? why is my heart breaking? A handhold would be good - sorry xxxx

OP posts:

beenwhereyouare · 26/09/2024 19:19

My hand is reaching out for yours. ❤️

RandomMess · 26/09/2024 19:40

Because he turned it all on you.

The man you loved and hoped he could be has gone and you are grieving.

AlertCat · 26/09/2024 20:13

Sending strength and hand holding.

SensibleSigma · 26/09/2024 21:08

Bless you. Have a virtual hug from me. The optimist in you hoped he’d realise what an arse he’s been and change. Sadly he doubled down and you are finally starting to accept it’s over.

Soon you’ll feel relieved- but it’s ok to take a while to get there.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 26/09/2024 21:10

Perhaps you needed this time of him being with you / not with you to see that the relationship is at a true end?
Now you can see it with clarity, not the upset and tears of 12 months ago and you’ll not have any what if feelings.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 26/09/2024 21:33

Hmmmm he is playing mind games.

Actually at this point I wonder if the best idea is to go back into your old behaviour patterns, let him think things are returning to normal, wait for him to flounce and -then- say it's over. Because he is going to play games with your mind for years if you let him and not leave just to spite you.

He may well also start drawing the children into these games.

If you can, quietly play the long game here. It's crap for your self esteem to behave like this but with some people you just need them out of your life.

iwfja · 26/09/2024 22:53

If all his stuff is gone that means he has moved out.
Stop all this mind game stuff from him by getting to a solicitor asap and starting divorce proceedings.
You need to put a formal end to this hell you are going through. He's been messing about for a whole year. The marriage is over and so the only thing you can do now is to arrange a divorce settlement and end it officially.

Hatty65 · 27/09/2024 13:53

Change the locks.

Do NOT let him come back - you pay the mortgage and it's your place. Change the bloody locks before he returns, smirking, to play some more fucking silly games.

Original poster

lurker1000 · 30/09/2024 17:54

so yeah he did leave - got messages at the weekend telling me that I am emotionally empty and this is all on me. If I had been more loving and supportive, then we wouldn't be in this position.

I'm just broken. Maybe I could have been stronger. Maybe

OP posts:

Hatty65 · 30/09/2024 18:00

lurker1000 · 30/09/2024 17:54

so yeah he did leave - got messages at the weekend telling me that I am emotionally empty and this is all on me. If I had been more loving and supportive, then we wouldn't be in this position.

I'm just broken. Maybe I could have been stronger. Maybe

Oh goodness - don't be silly!

If you'd 'been stronger' you'd have told this pathetic wanker to fuck off long ago. Breathe a sigh of relief and move on with a great life without him dragging you down.

Bananalanacake · 30/09/2024 18:13

See a solicitor about a divorce. Ignore him if he threatens to kill himself.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 30/09/2024 18:25

Oh his emotional games are all your fault again, are they?

Lady, please work out what is your responsibility and isn't. Becuase his mind games aren't.

Catoo · 30/09/2024 18:31

lurker1000 · 30/09/2024 17:54

so yeah he did leave - got messages at the weekend telling me that I am emotionally empty and this is all on me. If I had been more loving and supportive, then we wouldn't be in this position.

I'm just broken. Maybe I could have been stronger. Maybe

If you haven’t seen a solicitor yet, now is the time. You need to know where you stand financially.

You have to divorce this man and move on. All of this is because he wants access to that inheritance. He thinks you will cave in. It’s repulsive and very dark OP. This man is the absolute enemy for now.

Time to fight for your home.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/09/2024 18:36

He's never going to get any better Op, he wants his own way in everything completely forgetting all the things you have done for him and his DC. It's not your job to be his Mother and pander to this manchild. He's gone, this time let him stay gone.

JanefromLondon1 · 30/09/2024 18:39

He's done you a favour by pissing off. Time to be strong and get off this emotional merry go round. Tell him you are divorcing him, you've had enough, you don't want him back and turn to your family for support. Tell him buying a takeaway and painting the fence does not a good husband or father make him and you're going to move your life forward and your kids lives forward. He can be invested loved or not but be strong and stop facilitating his abuse of you.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 30/09/2024 18:40

@lurker1000

ok, you SAID you needed a kick & you said you've been a mug.

🥾 🥾🥾

Get the locks changed so he can't just walk back in.

Let this be the end of it.

Enough is enough!!

you're showing your kids that it's ok to be treat like shit.

you've proven to yourself you can more than cope without the twat.

stop letting him walk all
over you.

you don't need this waste of space & he does not love you.

if the kids miss him they can go & stay with him.

🥾🥾🥾

RandomMess · 30/09/2024 18:42

Change the locks before he comes back to "see the DC", he's being abusive behaving like this.

Original poster

lurker1000 · 30/09/2024 18:43

Thanks all - I think I know it’s done - he’s two years off gambling this week and thinks he is untouchable. He can’t see that walking out again is wreaking havoc for the kids ‘they’ll be fine’.

he was so angry when I told him I’d used some of my inheritance to pay house bills (which he left me with)

he’s just very convincing that everything is my fault - that I’ve not been emotionally available, that I’ve not put him first, that I’ve not been caring enough

OP posts:

JanefromLondon1 · 30/09/2024 18:55

Oh FFS after everything you've been through it's absolutely understandable that you're emotionally unavailable. You're like that because it's human nature to pull back and protect yourself by shutting off.

Wish him well and move on.

Today is the start of your new life.

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 30/09/2024 18:59

You cant argue with unreasonable. Do yourself a favour and dont even try. And stop trying to understand him - he does it because he wants to. You did not cause this difficulty, you cant control it and you cannot cure it. Look after yourself. Check out AdFam.

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